elaine567 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 I guess this is cultural issue and I guess "Machismo" is at the heart of it, the OP being an American living in a South American country with a South American husband... Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 I guess this is cultural issue and I guess "Machismo" is at the heart of it, the OP being an American living in a South American country with a South American husband... If there are cultural elements at play here, that might also explain why the OP seems to think that the amount of money being spent on her is indicative of her "worth". There was a lot of that stuff going on in my culture, too. I think that at the end of the day, it's fine for gifts to be ONE of the elements that makes you feel loved and valued. I would be lying if I said I didn't feel incredibly touched by, say, H gifting me a fantastic phone while using a budget phone himself. But if a person feels compelled to literally tell their partner to give them a gift and to also specify the dollar amount that must be spent on that gift... there's something deeper that's wrong with the relationship and they would be better served in figuring out what. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 This is not even a “gift”, but they’re spending their joint pool of money on some discretionary stuff. It would only be fair if each sets aside a fixed annual amount for his/her own discretionary expenses. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 This is not even a “gift”, but they’re spending their joint pool of money on some discretionary stuff. It would only be fair if each sets aside a fixed annual amount for his/her own discretionary expenses. Yeah, that's why I asked the OP about that. Does she not have access to the money to buy it herself, or is it only meaningful to her if it's a "gift"? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 If there are cultural elements at play here, that might also explain why the OP seems to think that the amount of money being spent on her is indicative of her "worth". There was a lot of that stuff going on in my culture, too. Yes, he got free rein to come back with something that signified her worth to him and he put her worth at $150, having already set his own worth at $3000. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 That kind of ignores any context on his side, like was he waiting years to get the golf clubs, been saving aside with them in mind, celebrating a milestone or his birthday, as opposed to the gift of the handbag was just because she asked out of the blue. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 (edited) Even if asked out of the blue, the H agreed to getting that specific bag then goes and gets something else and lies about its value. That's not cool. Instead of thanking him (or even passive aggressively asking for a pricey bag in the first place), OP should be having a conversation about the roles and responsibilities in her marriage. If she doesn't like the answer, she can either rethink her position as a SAHM, or rethink her entire marriage, or she can accept her fate and accept the bag she got. Action, not overthinking, is what will help her out of this mind ****. Edited May 31, 2019 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 That kind of ignores any context on his side, like was he waiting years to get the golf clubs, been saving aside with them in mind, celebrating a milestone or his birthday. What makes you think there is more context? It’s possible it was an impulse buy... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Even if asked out of the blue, the H agreed to getting that specific bag then goes and gets something else and lies about its value. That's not cool. Nobody is entitled to anything. Particularly when it’s a gift - not cool to say, “I want you to buy me a gift and it must cost this much money...” Silliness. If anything, making an extravagant purchase in response to your partners extravagant purchase is a rather irresponsible and immature thing to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 She's not entitled but the H said yes. If he thought she wasn't entitled, he should have said no to the pricey bag straight away. This whole thing is riddled with passive aggressive behaviour, poor communication and lack of action on both sides , imo. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 This whole thing is riddled with passive aggressive behaviour, poor communication and lack of action on both sides , imo. I would agree but instead of lack of action, I would say lack of respect for each other and some rather selfish and misguided priorities... I work too hard for my money to spend it unwisely - particularly if I have children and I am a stay at home mother... but, that’s just me. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Because the purse I paid $200 for 25+ years ago now retails for over $600. Inflation. Thank you for the reply. I'm not sure what it has to do with the question though??? We don't know what kind of purse the $150 one was so in 25 years it could be worth $550. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 There's nothing wrong with liking luxury items. It's also unfair for your husband to spend 3K on something for himself and then spend very little on you. That behavior is selfish. Some people give and receive love through gifts. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Perhaps it would help people view the situation objectively if we removed a zero from the equation. The husband spent $300 on golf clubs. The wife wanted a purse that costs $100, but he returned with a purse that costs $15 and thought she would be happy with that. Some of the responses here are doing exactly what the OP's husband is doing . . . imposing their own definitions of what someone should want or should spend on another person. The only question really is if they can afford it and if they are meeting their other financial goals. The key to a long happy marriage is not to expect your spouse to conform to what you think they should be and do and want. The key is to embrace who they are and cheer them on, as long as they are not doing anything unhealthy. And I know far too many people with $1k purses to claim that is an unhealthy desire. So if what has happened here is that OP's husband has spent money they didn't really have to spend, then he could have said, "Honey, I should have consulted with you before buying those golf clubs. I wasn't expecting you to want to spend money too, which isn't fair. I'll return the clubs and we'll work on a budget that includes spending money for both of us." There are plenty of things I would never spend money . . . plastic surgery, manicures, hair coloring, luxury cars, country club membership, private schools. Does this mean I should poo poo anyone who values these things? There are other areas where I do spend money, and since we can afford it, it's no one's business how I came to my priorities. I don't work, but this doesn't make our money any less my money. Assuming the spending is reasonable relative to income and savings, there should be no restrictions on the spouse who earns less or nothing at all. Have there ever been two spouses who earned exactly the same amount, who spent exactly the same amount of time of housework and child-rearing? Should there be a master tally of who did what and a corresponding dollar amount awarded? I don't think so. That's no way to live. When we were first married, I bought our condo. I paid off my husband's debts. I earned more, and we tried having separate accounts and dividing up the bills, but somehow he always had spending money and I didn't because the bills I was covering were higher. So we made everything joint. And now that he makes a lot more money than the two of us combined made back then, and now that I have health problems that make returning to work problematic and incur a lot of expenses, I'm glad that when I had "the upper hand" I realized that if we were going to make this work, we had to be in it together. He's doing his best. I'm doing my best. We appreciate each other. We thank each other for what the other does for the family. If he wants something, we try to make it work. If I want something, we try to make it work. It's not a contest; it's a family. The issue here is the ease with which people like to trash those who live relatively privileged lives. It's such hypocritical nonsense because heaven forbid anyone criticize the less fortunate. I will never understand the "Make your own money" argument because I always assumed that married couples shared money regardless of employment status. I can't imagine living in a marriage where absolutely everything had to be split down the middle. That's not a partnership-that's a pair of roommates. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Perhaps ask if he will go with you to the store so you can show him the bag and he can purchase it right then? Honestly, men are oblivious to this kind of stuff, just as we are to some of the things they like. He probably just remembered you wanted a purse and brought you one home. That is a treasure, too, bc it is from somewhere he has traveled. I like good bags. I bought a used D&B in perfect condition from Poshmark for under $200, which Poshmark was able to authenticate. Retail, it was over $400. I’ve also used gift cards from my bosses to purchase pricy purses, a treat for me. Good bags last forever, cheap ones fall apart quickly. And as stated already, have some resale value. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) oops, somehow posted to the wrong thread... Edited June 1, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 (edited) I don’t get why people are criticizing this woman for wanting a $1000 bag. If they can afford it, who cares. It’s their business. If he can afford to buy $3000 golf clubs, then she can afford to buy a $1000 bag. Not sure why she has to have him buy it for her. She should just go buy it for herself. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Also, there absolutely can be a huge difference in quality between a $1000 bag and a $150 bag. I own a bag that cost around $1000 over 10 years ago. I carry it almost every day during the work week and don’t baby it. And it looks practically brand new. I’ve also owned bags that are more in the $125-250 range. And none of them have held up as well. The luxury bag is made with much higher quality materials and is better crafted. And no, my luxury bag isn’t gaudy, flashy, or trendy. There is no monogram, exterior logo, gold or anything. Only people who are really into fashion would have any idea how expensive it is. And you know what else, it was probably made in Italy by an actual craftsman who makes a decent living doing what he does. Not by underpaid workers in China. So enough with the judgements of people who like nice things and can afford them! Edited June 1, 2019 by Veronica73 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 I don’t get why people are criticizing this woman for wanting a $1000 bag. If they can afford it, who cares. It’s their business. If he can afford to buy $3000 golf clubs, then she can afford to buy a $1000 bag. Not sure why she has to have him buy it for her. She should just go buy it for herself. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Hard to make an assessment without context, the OP (who's never returned) has simply said her H makes "good money" while she's a SAHM. That could be $50K or $500K, none of us know. Which also makes $4K worth of sporting and luxury goods either a drop in the bucket or a budget buster, simply need more info... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 True, but to me, it seems like $3000 on golf clubs is fine, but because she’s a SAHM, she shouldn’t be able to have a $1000 purse. And then the discussion of why *anybody* would buy an expensive bag. Plus, at least where I live, just paying the fees at the public courses is expensive. A season pass for one person is $1500. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 True, but to me, it seems like $3000 on golf clubs is fine, but because she’s a SAHM, she shouldn’t be able to have a $1000 purse. And then the discussion of why *anybody* would buy an expensive bag. Plus, at least where I live, just paying the fees at the public courses is expensive. A season pass for one person is $1500. Exactly. There’re plenty of healthy physical activities that don’t require nearly as much money, if they’re not financially well-off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 I don’t get why people are criticizing this woman for wanting a $1000 bag. I don't get that either (and I don't even own a bag) but I also believe it's besides the point in this particular context. This couple is not communicating well; that's the long and short of it, imo. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 I wonder if people criticize others for buying a BMW instead of a Honda, if they can afford it. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 I wonder if people criticize others for buying a BMW instead of a Honda, if they can afford it. Probably not but they might frown about it if the hubby bought them a Honda and they were p.o'd because he didn't buy her a BMW. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 (edited) Exactly. There’re plenty of healthy physical activities that don’t require nearly as much money, if they’re not financially well-off. Exactly! They should have sex - it’s free and it will hopefully bring both partners closer and improve the relationship. Win-win! Edited June 2, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 Just a thought: OP views the golf set as her husband spoiling himself but if indeed he makes 'good' money in South America then I assume he makes his money being in business, and businessmen make their deals on the golf course often, so it's in his interest to not show up there with a run down golf set. I think OP doesn't feel valued in her marriage and therefore as a distorded view of the golf set purchase. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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