Author blueeyesblue Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 How did they feel about her when she was alive? My sister's in-laws are similar. Her BIL was married for quite a while, and his parents bashed his wife every chance they got. They got divorced, and a short time later she committed suicide. All of a sudden she was an angel, they refer to her as their daughter, son's wife (not ex or former), and same thing--their house is her shrine. I think it's guilt on their part. His mother refers to her as her daughter. Just today she posted another picture of her and someone commented "who is she?". She wrote "my daughter...my son's deceased wife...most wonderful person ever". Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 (edited) That is pretty passive aggressive unless she has absolutely no social skills at all..... Edited June 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueeyesblue Posted May 29, 2019 Author Share Posted May 29, 2019 (edited) The only way to deal with this is to ignore them. Try to interact with them as little as possible. Overtime, they'll realize nobody gives a **** about their parade of "love" and "dedication". If you can't ignore your social media feeds, don't go on social media. I'm a true millennial who spends more than half my time awake on a computer, but I don't have social media because its cons outweigh its pros for me If you have to, close down your social media. Otherwise, only go on it if you need to message someone or specifically need to check on someone. Social media is only toxic if you allow it to take control of your life. I think you're on point. Thank you and everyone else who took their time to help me see straight! Edited May 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 His mother refers to her as her daughter. Just today she posted another picture of her and someone commented "who is she?". She wrote "my daughter...my son's deceased wife...most wonderful person ever". This about her. She seems needy, awkward and ignorant of the social cues most people pick up pretty easily. It only becomes a problem if you make it about you. She's not posting with you in mind, she's serving her own maladjusted priorities. Put her on ignore unless you have to see her, and then act as though none of this matters. Which, in the big picture, it doesn't ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 I have a friend who’s brother-in-law passed away at a rather young age. He had a wife and three young children at the time. His wife has since remarried. His parents struggled to deal with their grief such that they were never able to accept the second marriage and cut this woman and her children - their own grandchildren - from their lives. They died without reconciling with their daughter-in-law and they missed out on seeing their grandchildren grow (despite the fact that the daughter-in-law sent them pictures and tried to encourage a relationship with the grandparents). That’s one end of the spectrum when dealing with grief and loss. It’s not easy, for some it’s darn near impossible... in this case, their behaviour is more a reflection of their inability to cope with the grief and accept the changes that have occurred. As difficult as it is, remembering that may help you to be a little more forgiving... (not saying that you haven’t been forgiving). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I had a dear friend who died 10 years ago in his early 30s from cancer. His widow remarried in about two years. I remember at the time I was a little shocked because I somehow it made me feel like I had to grieve him faster, or something? But here's the big "BUT" . . . I was happy for her. He wanted her to be happy. He wanted her to have kids. He told her to find someone else. So was I going to make her moving on about me? Of course not. To this day she still posts things to my deceased friend on FB on special anniversaries. She has managed to keep his memory alive while also moving on joyfully and fully with someone else. It sounds like your future MIL and SIL are very self-absorbed people. This is all about them having a reason to garner sympathy from other people. It's foolish and sad to ignore and disrespect the living in order to honor the dead. If your BF's deceased wife was as wonderful as they say she was, then she would have wanted him to move on and to be happy. They are disrespecting her memory by using it to alienate you. But you know what, this just sounds like the type of people they are. If they didn't have a dead DIL/SIL to make a big fuss about, it would be something else. So keep your boundaries strong. Don't expect emotional support or closeness from them. Build a wall around your heart. If you can be polite to them, great, but if not, let your BF handle it. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Am I the only one here who doesn't buy this "grief" claim? In a harrowing six-year period, I lost two parents and my two older brothers. My dad and my brothers died within 22 months of each other. I was crushed, devastated. My mom died in 2009 Early on I visited my mom's grave a lot ... and then visited the same site when my dad died. Over time, though, the process of grief and healing--the real action!!!--has shifted. I don't take pix of my mother's headstone and post it everyday. Instead, I recall the wise things she said that slipped my grasp at the time. I try to connect with her confidence in me so that I feel confidence in myself when I'm not feeling so great. I think of my parents (and my brothers) each and every day. I won't be posting online weekly about how great they were. I'm instead in the process of internalizing and integrating their lives, their values, their accomplishments into my life. I do share stories of my family, when relevant with friends. Bottom line: I don't buy that this family is deep into grief. Or lemme say it this way: this family is stuck in a kind of emotionally stunted kid-like grief. I know that's tough. There's something weird and odd going on. If they're so into this deceased woman, create a scholarship in her name, do something good in her name, in her memory. The year after my mother died was brutal ... but what got me through was this. I knew exactly what she wanted for me because we had talked about it when she was alive. She wanted me to live a rich and fulfilling and helpful (to others) life. And she sure as heck wouldn't want me posting her gravestone constantly on FB. She was insistent that I was to keep living forward. I find this family's obsession to be strange. If this DIL was so great, then surely SHE would have wanted her husband to date again ... marry again ... And she's certainly not want her husband's new partner to have to face a family that repeatedly brings her up in the most clumsy, awkward, immature way possible. This family is definitely emotionally limited. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
adna89 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 (edited) you have to accept this is a thing with marrying widowers.a friend of mine married a widower and he is still after 5 years a big part of the late wives familiy,they visit each other and all.he posts stuff on facebook when the anniversary comes to her death(she died a tragical death).Would i be ok with it? No but thats why i would never date a widower..might be wrong but the young Love god took from You Will especially in old age become more important.i know a grandpa at age 88 on his deathbed kept calling his late wife name.she died when he was 28 so ages ago...no idea IF he was seeing her maybe? I an open to the idea of a life after death heh.but i hope grandma next to him was not hurt though Edited May 31, 2019 by adna89 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Here is what I believe I would do in this situation. - Unfollow anyone who makes these types of posts (don't unfriend them) so you don't have to see it. - When you are interrupted by talk of "that's what she would do or wouldn't do", respond with, "I'm sorry, is this discussion upsetting you? This is a very special time for us, but if it's making you feel sad about ..... we don't have to discuss this in front of you." - I would be honest and tell your fiance that you don't feel welcome in their house, and until he has an open and honest conversation with them and sets some boundaries, you will not be going over there. That's the only way I could personally find a compromise between showing respect and compassion for their grief, while still establishing strong boundaries about what you are willing to accept for yourself. Personally, I couldn't cope with having all that flung in my face. Your fiance is responsible for dealing with his family and showing you more support. He is letting you down by not at least attempting to make this situation more comfortable for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 His mother refers to her as her daughter. Just today she posted another picture of her and someone commented "who is she?". She wrote "my daughter...my son's deceased wife...most wonderful person ever". What in the world?! Among other reprehensible actions, this makes it very clear that your fiance's family is purposely trying to hurt you and let you know that you will never measure up in their eyes. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. Your fiance has to stand up for you. This disrespectful nonsense can't continue. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 That latest FB update is appalling. I would not marry into this family. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 General consensus: this is not normal grief behavior. But again, your fiance needs to put a stop to this. If he doesn't, run. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 But again, your fiance needs to put a stop to this. If he doesn't, run. Why wouldn't the OP just live her seemingly happy life with her husband-to-be and keep her focus on those things in her control? Neither she nor he are responsible for or in charge of the actions or social media postings of relatives. Not much impact on her life unless she makes it so... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 So sorry you are facing this. If your fiancé doesn’t draw a line and tell them to back off and him protect you, I’d walk away. You may never find support in this family. His family may get better in time, but may not. They may be crazy. How do they act with regards to other life issues? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 They already have a child together, so this family is forever familia. OP's fiance may have a word with them but this seems so dysfunctional a mix of less exposure (block them from your social media) infrequent contact, do you need to sleep over their home? and controlled reaction, as in don't, may have to do. Op, it's clear their game, do not engage. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 As frustrating as it may be, you have only two choices... your husband can talk with his family and ask them to be more respectful or you can limit contact with his family. I agree with what has been previously shared, people only have as much power as you give them... Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Why wouldn't the OP just live her seemingly happy life with her husband-to-be and keep her focus on those things in her control? Neither she nor he are responsible for or in charge of the actions or social media postings of relatives. Not much impact on her life unless she makes it so... Mr. Lucky It impacts the OP if it impacts her child and any future children. If the ILs treat them differently because they don't come from the first marriage. OP has already posted about photos of her daughter being shoved in a drawer and not being put on display with the rest of the family photos, including the multitude of the first wife. I actually wonder if they treated fairly badly and now they're over compensating due to guilt. Or it could be normal depending on their cultural background. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 That latest FB update is appalling. I would not marry into this family. I don't think I could either. However, the OP has a child so that might make it harder for her to walk away. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 I think OP you are mistaken when you think all this is aimed at you. If they had that behavior since she died then that behavior was there long before you. I also think what they do is not because they're still mourning, I think all they do on social media is to attract attention. When she died they got a lot of 'oh poor you' attention and they've been feeding on this ever since. I would not give any of this special attention. I would hide their posts, I'd turn over pictures in their guests room, and I'd brush it off. If they don't want to give special attention to their grand-child then too bad I am sure your parents and siblings will be happy and compensate. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 It impacts the OP if it impacts her child and any future children. If the ILs treat them differently because they don't come from the first marriage. OP has already posted about photos of her daughter being shoved in a drawer and not being put on display with the rest of the family photos, including the multitude of the first wife. It's at best a minor, secondary issue in the OP's life and the lives of her children, present and future. You don't walk away from a good relationship with your child's father because the rest of the family tree bears some strange fruit... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 It's at best a minor, secondary issue in the OP's life and the lives of her children, present and future. You don't walk away from a good relationship with your child's father because the rest of the family tree bears some strange fruit... Mr. Lucky It's only minor if her fiance has the same mindset. I think he has to step up and support her. Personally I don't do social media but if I did I would either block them or just no longer follow them. It's a lot of pressure and hassle just before a wedding though, especially when your ILs are waxing lyrical about your husband's dead ex! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 2, 2019 Share Posted June 2, 2019 Personally I don't do social media but if I did I would either block them or just no longer follow them. Given the circumstances, both reasonable approaches... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author blueeyesblue Posted June 3, 2019 Author Share Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) So sorry you are facing this. If your fiancé doesn’t draw a line and tell them to back off and him protect you, I’d walk away. You may never find support in this family. His family may get better in time, but may not. They may be crazy. How do they act with regards to other life issues? Their reactions are, to me, very poor overall. I have mentioned before they these people have nothing to do with me, although I can live with that because we don't see them THAT often. But, for example, I've spent this last week staying home because my daughter was sick, she had a bad fever for a few days (she's better now). During those days I talked to my husband's mother and sister via skype and whatsapp a couple of times. I told them my daughter was staying home because she was sick. I sent them pics of her. His sister replies to any picture I send, with a picture of her own daughter. Same for his mother. She will say, at times "my beautiful girl" or something along those lines. They never bothered to ask "how is she feeling today?". Days went by...and nothing. I understand we don't live very close and they're not as close to her as they are to their other granddaughter, but I mean...I have work colleagues that sent me a message asking me how my daughter is, some of them haven't even seen her in person. I don't think they do anything on purpose to hurt me. I don't. I just think they have a trashy behaviour, lack of education and are just clueless. All your opinions are really valuable to me. I do feel a little let down that my husband won't do anything. As I've said, he says he's only going to get people to get upset at him (they won't understand) and resent me, as they will feel that I'm behind this. Well, I am. I am because I deserve respect too and they show none. I recognise he's probably right though and it's not worth it. I think I really must learn to ignore those people. I'm not giving up on my husband who is really decent and kind because of them. (regarding those tasteless facebook posts, you know those stupid games "see what someone in Heaven wants to tell you"? They play it all the time, and post the results, with her name - she has a memorial page so facebook obviously knows who has passed away...lol, it's so extreme and so ridiculous that thinking about it just made me laugh...laugh not to cry!). Edited June 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) I'm wondering if the OP's in-laws can sense that she looks down on them. This could partly explain their behavior. Edited June 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote of deleted post removed 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 3, 2019 Share Posted June 3, 2019 (edited) Their reactions are, to me, very poor overall. I have mentioned before they these people have nothing to do with me, although I can live with that because we don't see them THAT often. But, for example, I've spent this last week staying home because my daughter was sick, she had a bad fever for a few days (she's better now). During those days I talked to my husband's mother and sister via skype and whatsapp a couple of times. I told them my daughter was staying home because she was sick. I sent them pics of her. His sister replies to any picture I send, with a picture of her own daughter. Same for his mother. She will say, at times "my beautiful girl" or something along those lines. They never bothered to ask "how is she feeling today?". Days went by...and nothing. I understand we don't live very close and they're not as close to her as they are to their other granddaughter, but I mean...I have work colleagues that sent me a message asking me how my daughter is, some of them haven't even seen her in person. You will need to adjust your expectations with your in-laws. They are not going to become loving and caring just because you want them to be. You will always come second to your husband's late wife and so will your daughter. I know those are hard pills to swallow but I believe that accepting those realities could go a long way in helping you deal with your in-laws. I am on your side. I don't think that your in-laws' behavior is appropriate at all. I just don't think they will change. Edited June 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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