Marrying a widower - can't stand his family's behaviour

[Blanco]

No offense OP but they sound like trailer trash.

 

Haha, sorry to say I thought the same thing.

[BettyDraper]

Subtle?????

 

Good point.

[BettyDraper]

Forget about this ... this is depressive, self-demoralizing thinking.

 

Yes, I could ask for a chocolate ice cream cone and the person in the ice cream store could think I'm greedy and a glutton. I could tell a woman I really like her, and she might think I'm desperate.

 

So what?

 

The point of communicating is to try to establish a line of connection. Communication isn't one moment. You try your best, so what if they think you're insensitive? They're already treating you like dirt! It can't get any worse. Even if they think you insensitive, they might back off and treat you with more respect.

 

I agree with this. Standing up for oneself is usually increases respect.

[Amethyst68]

Hi OP, I don't think you're going to be able to change anything, if you try they're going to write it off as jealousy. No - this is going to have to come from your fiance. Start with how he's hurt that his daughter's photos aren't being put on display, I'm assuming the rest of the grandchildren have pictures out.

 

Then move on to the big one, how he's moved on and it's time they helped celebrate his new life. Time to maybe pick one picture to remember her by, to reassure then he's not forgotten her but that he's a father now, he's going to a husband and they have to respect that.

 

If that doesn't work then have a frank conversation with your fiance that while they're welcome to visit you at your home you won't be going somewhere where you feel you (and your daughter) are disrespected.

[Mr. Lucky]

Yes, we do have a great relationship, me and my husband to be.

 

Then it's not an act of love to put him in an untenable position with his family.

 

Were it me, I'd smile pleasantly, act cordially and let my eyes rest elsewhere when visiting. I'd also limit those visits in time and frequency.

 

This only becomes a problem if you make it so...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That grave thing is bizarre. My sister and I planted flowers at our mom’s site and it looked gorgeous but neither one of us whipped out our phones to get pictures.

 

No offense OP but they sound like trailer trash.

 

I’m surprised they don’t have pictures up from the funeral.

 

Am I the only one who doesn't think taking pics of a headstone is that weird? I mean, it's a memorial....nothing to be ashamed of. I've taken pics of my dad's headstone. It took us forever to get it and includes a phrase on it he was famous for saying. I wanted people to be able to see it who would never make it to the cemetery. Also, I rarely get to visit his grave because I live over an hour away, so it's nice to have the picture to look at from time to time.

 

Today being Memorial Day, my Facebook feed is full of headstones!

[FMW]

My grandmother took pictures of family gravestones all the time, even had a few photos of family in their coffins from the funeral. So for some people it's not unusual.

 

My personal feeling is that I don't want to remember a family member by their gravestone, it reminds me of the loss and the grief experienced at the time of their death. I want to focus on the photos of happy memories of when they were alive and we were together.

[Turning point]

I think the family's behavior is not directed at you so much as it is self-preserving the cathartic power they had when presuming to support the grieving widower. That seems to have given them purpose. Getting the tattoos for example, isn't an act of grief - it's a mission statement.

 

They are personally over-invested in your fiance's role as a widower. Perhaps he can preserve their sense of purpose if he can redirect the singular fervor they hold for the former wife to a more general support of a charity working to cure that cancer. If they gain an appreciation for the totality of how many lives are changed by that disease the intense mission that is this one woman's memory might diminish.

 

The good news is they're probably not hostile - just inept at moving on. Yes, I agree these people are acting out of the norm. Their problem doesn't have to be your problem however. When you stay in that room at their house you can put the picture in a drawer, and reset it before you leave. You can filter or unsubscribe to their social media feeds, etc. You can see them as human beings with their own limitations rather than focusing on trying to change them.

 

You are who you are. You are who your fiance has chosen. This is why the wedding vows include: "from this day forward..." You can move on even if they can't.

[Timshel]

What I'm not fine with is posting a picture of them or their wedding, which was 10 years ago, or a picture of her grave (this to be is horrid). It's been 7 years and they do it very often, to this day, when he has obviously moved on and is with someone else. Yes, we do have a great relationship, me and my husband to be. Guess this obsession of his family with her really got to me and I needed to vent.

 

 

This is understandable but still must be handled with grace. Your fiance is the person to have a conversation with his family. I hate to say it, but this situation will be very telling for your relationship going forward.

 

 

He does not have to change their minds but you can spend less time there and he can tell them that he has moved on and wants them to embrace you as family. That is something that your future husband should not be too put out to do.

 

 

The question really is your fiance ready to move forward with a life with you. If you believe this is true, his family should be left for him to manage except for polite kindness on your part.

 

 

When a picture is left in your room, it may be turned down or put in a drawer.

[Doorstopper]

Am I the only one who doesn't think taking pics of a headstone is that weird? I mean, it's a memorial....nothing to be ashamed of. I've taken pics of my dad's headstone. It took us forever to get it and includes a phrase on it he was famous for saying. I wanted people to be able to see it who would never make it to the cemetery. Also, I rarely get to visit his grave because I live over an hour away, so it's nice to have the picture to look at from time to time.

 

Today being Memorial Day, my Facebook feed is full of headstones!

 

I think depending on the culture, it can be very common. We had a cousin In the US from "the old country". They were in town, near us, only for one night. One of the must do items, was taking pictures of my dad's grave.

[basil67]

I have sent them pics of their grandchild/niece but there's not a single one on their walls. I also sent a pic of the three of us at her baptism (which they did attend), but it just went to the drawer. I'm not saying it's on purpose, but...

 

I didn't sent them pictures so that they would frame them and replace her pictures with ours. But I notice they're nowhere to be seen.

 

I think it's fair to surmise that they don't like you, and by proxy, your daughter.

 

As much as you don't like what Elaine had to say, I suspect she's correctly channelled how they feel. What you do with this information is the next step.

[BTDT2012]

Did he have children with his first wife? Do they have pictures of the other grandchildren on display?

[bathtub-row]

I fully agree with you that his family’s behavior is not only odd but it’s extremely disrespectful toward you. Not to mention how it continues to stir things up for your husband. You’re probably never going to be close to these people and I’m sure that with time they’ll stop this foolish behavior.

 

If I were in your position, I’d share very little with them. If they ask about the wedding plans, instead of screaming at them to shut up about what the previous woman did - which would also be my instinct - you might want to mildly say, “You know, I’d rather not talk about it because every time I do, I get compared to [fiance’s] previous wife.” I’d be curious to see their reaction. Lol.

 

I also agree that your fiancé should say something to them about it but I really think that time will dissolve this situation. If it doesn’t, then just keep your distance.

[bathtub-row]

I have an odd thought. Are you certain his wife died from cancer, or that you fully know the circumstances? I have to wonder if your fiancé’s family blames him in some way for her death and they’re punishing him for it in a very passive-aggressive manor. Or perhaps they felt he treated her badly during her illness. I doubt it but maybe it’s worth consider.

 

Maybe you should ask your fiancé’s family to tell you all about the former wife, her illness, etc. Perhaps they need to feel that you understand. Sometimes when we hear people out, when they feel understood, their behavior will suddenly change. As Oprah once said, “...I would tell you that every single person you ever will meet shares that common desire - they want to know, "Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you?"

 

Perhaps they just need to know you ‘get it’ in terms of their feelings about the previous wife. I think you do get it but maybe they just need for you to hear their side of it. After that, maybe this issue will die and they’ll be able to open their hearts to you.

[blueeyesblue]

Trailer trash, someone said...YES! I was going to use a similar expression but nowadays everyone gets so easily offended that I chose not to ? but yes. We have nothing in common. Totally different cultures, education, beliefs.

 

No, they did not have kids together. She was way too sick most of the time they were together. Someone asked if I'm sure she died of cancer. Yes. And he was very present and do this day he contributes to fundings to raise awareness and investigation.

 

I guess like many of you said I'll just have to learn to navigate around this. I do have an amazing person by my side but it does upset me a little that he won't mention anything to his family. He says he can't tell people what to post and that they would only be mad at him and think poorly of me. Which is probably true but still.

[BTDT2012]

Trailer trash, someone said...YES! I was going to use a similar expression but nowadays everyone gets so easily offended that I chose not to ? but yes. We have nothing in common. Totally different cultures, education, beliefs.

 

 

 

What makes your fiance so different from the people who raised him?

[JuneL]

Trailer trash, someone said...YES! I was going to use a similar expression but nowadays everyone gets so easily offended that I chose not to but yes. We have nothing in common. Totally different cultures, education, beliefs.

 

 

In that case, why does it matter anyway? The disrespect is mutual!

[bathtub-row]

Your fiancé probably already knows that talking to them would be an exercise in futility.

[blueeyesblue]

In that case, why does it matter anyway? The disrespect is mutual!

 

Lol. I may think their behaviour is trashy but I treat them politely and show consideration, which I think mostly everyone deserves.

[blueeyesblue]

What makes your fiance so different from the people who raised him?

 

He just is! He left when he was 18 because he wanted to study and progress and then graduated and worked in a completely different environment. Never went back to the town he grew up in (to make a living, I mean).

[amaysngrace]

How often are you in their company and do you need to sleep at their house when you visit?

 

Maybe a good option would be to limit the time you spend there.

 

The way they’re behaving could be considered toxic so limited contact would be in order. It’s not only unfair to you but also to your husband and your daughter. It seems your husband already has established healthy boundaries when dealing with them by cutting the cord at a young age and knowing which fights are worth fighting.

 

Maybe it’s time you get a plan in motion that will allow you to be in their presence while not allowing the way they behave affect you so much the way that your husband has done.

 

I’d also ask if your husband would like a picture of his deceased wife in your own home, if you’re comfortable with that.

[JuneL]

Lol. I may think their behaviour is trashy but I treat them politely and show consideration, which I think mostly everyone deserves.

 

More often than not, your body language can betray you

[BTDT2012]

He just is! He left when he was 18 because he wanted to study and progress and then graduated and worked in a completely different environment. Never went back to the town he grew up in (to make a living, I mean).

 

 

He must have maintained strong ties however if they were so close to his deceased wife.

[SJS]

How did they feel about her when she was alive?

 

My sister's in-laws are similar. Her BIL was married for quite a while, and his parents bashed his wife every chance they got. They got divorced, and a short time later she committed suicide. All of a sudden she was an angel, they refer to her as their daughter, son's wife (not ex or former), and same thing--their house is her shrine. I think it's guilt on their part.

[niji]

My sister's in-laws are similar. Her BIL was married for quite a while, and his parents bashed his wife every chance they got. They got divorced, and a short time later she committed suicide. All of a sudden she was an angel, they refer to her as their daughter, son's wife (not ex or former), and same thing--their house is her shrine. I think it's guilt on their part.

 

 

Exactly my thought as I was going through the conversation.

Those who truly loved and cared for the deceased typically are not the loudest at the funeral, nor the most ostentatious at showing grief after it's passed. It's rare to see even parents mourn their child, or children mourn parents, or siblings mourn each other, the way your in-laws are mourning your fiance's previous wife. As you can see - not even he is mourning his past wife this way, and I would think he was closer to her than his family was. Could be wrong, but this is typically how things are. Maybe when she was alive, they didn't treat her as well as they should have. Now that she's dead, they feel massive guilt and want to let the world know "I LOVE HER SO MUCH". Natural, real grief are usually a lot more private, not the in-your-face display. That's why adults are adults and most functioning adults don't show grief the way a 3-year-old child does. Of course everyone processes grief differently, and I'm not saying if someone grieves loudly and openly, that the love wasn't real, but the whole tattoo-ing and posting on social media, in spite of your presence, is either guilt or "grass is greener" syndrome (aka you're alive, so you'll never measure up to a dead person and what you can't have anymore is always better than what you can have), or both.

 

 

The only way to deal with this is to ignore them. Try to interact with them as little as possible. Overtime, they'll realize nobody gives a **** about their parade of "love" and "dedication". If you can't ignore your social media feeds, don't go on social media. I'm a true millennial who spends more than half my time awake on a computer, but I don't have social media because its cons outweigh its pros for me If you have to, close down your social media. Otherwise, only go on it if you need to message someone or specifically need to check on someone. Social media is only toxic if you allow it to take control of your life.

Edited May 29, 2019 by niji