Welp guess that’s it!! Crushed!

[where do i begin]

Stay off social media. Social media destroys everything. Everyone thinks that everything everyone posts is somehow about them,...especially if they are insecure and suspisious. It happens constantly.

 

Yesssssssss. I couldn’t agree more. I am dumping my accounts shortly!

[FMW]

Just a snip it of what he wrote:

 

I said I would talk

the past few days I haven’t thought about it cause it adds stress if your looking for a quick resolution I can’t say that will happen

I know I’ve been less stress past few days “

 

That would be enough to make me give him all the space in the world. You seem desperate to hold on to him, constantly worrying he's going to dump you. What you should worry about is why you are so willing to deal with his erratic and undependable interactions with you for the foreseeable future.

 

He can't be bothered with your health, he's stressed out by having to deal with you in general. Really? Blech. Seriously, you can do better.

[where do i begin]

Well, OP and other females 'piling on' the ''he's breaking up so move on'' train, it sure ain't that way with me. One of the most frustrating things I've found with the women in my life is that they make life-changing evaluations in what is, to me, a short-term time frame - days to a couple of weeks. I don't work that way, I question if most men do, and I suggest that women give 'us' more time. Give us at least two weeks to come to our senses, more if the stress is high or continuing (when is his court appearance?) Otherwise you're turning your back on a man who may very well take it as kicking him while he's down.

 

TL/DR - if I was the guy in this drama, I'd want my woman to a) give me more time to stabilize and b) come to me with 'Your actions, shutting me out, are hurting me. I want to be there for you. Will you talk to me about it as soon as you can? Now, if possible.'

 

Hi and thank you for your feedback. I do appreciate it.

 

To answer your question, his court date already happened. His ex took him back to court 4 years after for more financial obligations because he is making more money with a job promotion. The court date was just last week. We talked throughout the proceedings. I have been very supportive and want to continue being supportive no matter what happens here.

 

As for woman jumping the gun too soon, I can only speak for myself, but I will admit; that’s totally me. The last time that I actually spoke with him was on Sunday. I left Sunday night after an 8 hour or so day date where he was feeling very defeated i guess you could say because of his daughter’s lack of wanting to spend time with him, but always holds her hand out for money. He invited her to meet up with us since she was right around the corner and she declined. The whole tone changed at that very moment. Knowing that i had to leave for my own children we walked back to his place, where i let him know that i was sorry and will be there to talk if he would like to. He isn’t much of a talker ( indicated in other posts) so I. D.o.n.t pry. Came home let him know i was home. And i got a thumbs up. I responded with how i had a great day and let him know that I’d be up for a little if he would like to talk. I never got a response. Some stupid social media crap was brought up in between there and here. I’d rather not discuss because of the shame in social media BS( which i totally agree with, i am not a big SM poster.

 

The pattern shifted Monday morning when he didn’t text or call as he always to say good morning. Long story short, i know to pull away when he is like this, so i didn’t hound him. Text him at lunch to see how his day was going and got a quick short answer. Normally i would see him on Monday nights, not having heard from him i asked if i was going to see him and his response was no, need to clear my head.

 

Okay, got it. Nothing all day Tuesday and figured I’d give him until today. I think you are all caught up. We decided to meet to talk tonight. I honestly have no clue if we are over, but I’m pretty sure we are. He informed me that I have added more stress ( not at all what I ever wanted to do), and I honestly tried not to do that. His words to me where if your looking for a quick resolution I can’t say that I have one. I have no clue what he is thinking...he needs more space to clear his head or ( don’t hate me for saying this) play the field for a little while. I think woman are born communicating, where from what I am gathering men maybe are not ( lesson well learned) my thing is, I can give him space and time if that’s what he needs, but how do I know if I am being played. I am just speaking honestly here, please don’t bite my head off. All I am saying is that why not just say give me a week, two weeks to figure stuff out. As someone said, his approach would have been much more appreciated or understood had he just said, I love you but I’m treading water and about to sink, I need some time. But to go radio silent isn’t fair.

 

Again, I totally appreciate your feedback and quite honestly, I value it. I am interested in hearing more if you’d be so obliged.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[nospam99]

@OP you're welcome

 

But unfortunately I don't know how much more I have for you to hear. Like I wrote, I followed your thread while it was on RD. And I projected myself into your description of your man's situation. I do think that 'us' men, for either cultural or biological reasons, fall into the behavior of dealing with stress differently than 'you' women. I can only generalize because I'm not him. I relate to the way you say he's dealing with stress ... putting up walls, 'circling the wagons'. But I'm not him and I'm not living the specific situation he's in (his daughter sounds like a bitch-and-a-half but my own kids have been 'challenging' at many times). Divorce and co-parenting are hell. I ducked the worst of it by staying in a toxic marriage. The price I paid was time - years of time.

 

You sound like a good woman who cares about this guy, dare I say loves him. I hope for both your sakes that he understands and appreciates it. Being a sucker for a happy ending, I also hope he can respond by meeting you half way and your fears turn out to be unfounded.

[where do i begin]

Thank you all for listening to me Babel on. We did meet this evening and honestly it was pretty smooth.

 

I said what I wanted to say, told him that I was extremely insulted by is comment regarding my health. I am actually healthier than him, lol. I told him that I was so insulted bc I had worked so hard these last almost 2 years at getting and remaining healthy and that I thought that was an hurtful thing to say.

 

I joked as I usually do when I’m nervous about little things. Think it took the edge off. I thanked him for the great memories, told him that I was looking forward to this summer with him, but I understand. I also told him that if and when he is ready to talk about things going on in his life I was just a phone call away. And I meant it. I know what he is going through isn’t easy.

 

I’m not going to lie, I was hoping he would stop me from leaving, but he didn’t. We hugged and off i went. : ( Sure it hurts and I am sad, but I have to say, I feel a little relieved. No clue what to tell anybody tho because I feel like an ass.

[Lotsgoingon]

I joked as I usually do when I’m nervous about little things. Think it took the edge off. I thanked him for the great memories, told him that I was looking forward to this summer with him, but I understand. I also told him that if and when he is ready to talk about things going on in his life I was just a phone call away. And I meant it. I know what he is going through isn’t easy.

 

You know ... you can break up with someone with dignity and confidence ... without doing the "I hope everything goes well for you" move. I think you want to be authentic in a breakup ... State if you're disappointed. State if you're surprised ... Express mixed feelings ... I was hoping this was temporary, but I'm sensing it's not. You don't seem like you want to continue.

 

Just my thought: you don't need to work so hard to be positive during a breakup ... I learned that I feel better if I TRULY express what I'm feeling and thinking.

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

Sure it hurts and I am sad, but I have to say, I feel a little relieved.

 

...and so you should

Next time do NOT get involved with a fixer upper.

He and his problems sucked you dry and then he discarded you anyway.

All that effort you put in, all that caring for him, all that understanding of his issues and problems, all that putting him first, a complete waste of your time...

[where do i begin]

All that effort you put in, all that caring for him, all that understanding of his issues and problems, all that putting him first, a complete waste of your time...

Yes, I agree with you. But I did learn from it. So not a complete waste of time honestly. Just trying to stay optimistic over here. That’s all I’ve got : (

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

I’m not going to lie, I was hoping he would stop me from leaving, but he didn’t. We hugged and off i went. : ( Sure it hurts and I am sad, but I have to say, I feel a little relieved. No clue what to tell anybody tho because I feel like an ass.

Why in the world would you feel like an ass?

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[stillafool]

No clue what to tell anybody tho because I feel like an ass.

 

Why? You've done nothing wrong. Why do you need to tell anyone at this point unless you want to confide in a close friend.

[where do i begin]

Why in the world would you feel like an ass?

 

Oh lord, if you only knew my family. I’m the youngest of 4, and the only divorcee of the sib’s. It’s hard with them. I know it’s my life and I’m old enough to live it my way. Just hate all the questions. ?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Awww, I understand that .

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[where do i begin]

Si we never broke up after all. I gave him his space and supported him through his stressful time.

 

As I mentioned in another post, His daughter shut him out and only came around when she wanted money. His job is a high stressed job, but I stood by his side, listened and always offered to help in anyway. I hate to even admit but social media played a part in our fights and break up. Please, please, please look beyond Facebook.

 

Started with vacation pictures that he posted, my birthday dinner photos....he received numerous texts from the daughter about his outings. I took that as the daughter was mad that he was in a serious relationship. In the 10 months that we were together I never met her, I did meet his son and he liked me. Today was the first day that I met the daughter and it wasn’t bad. Except for him checking in on social media with them and not me. He hasn’t checked in with me in about a month now. Thought it was not to add salt to the wound. I never said anything because I thought he wasn’t posting about me or checking in with me because of the daughter, but I met her today and was there with them and he blatantly ignored me, ignored that I was even there.

 

Clearly it wasn’t the daughter that he was “hiding” us from. I. D.o.n.t ever make a big deal about social media, but today I was excited about being there with them and he just left me out. It hurt and I was crushed. I saw his check in and was dumbfounded and he asked what was wrong. The kids weren’t anywhere near us, but I told him how I felt about that. I explained that I thought for the last month it was because of the daughter and clearly that wasn’t it, so who was he hiding me from?

 

He totally turned it around on me. I sat there with them for another hour and a half and couldn’t do it anymore. I very politely said goodbye and left. He text me and told me to take my things from his house. I’m crushed and heart broken. Please no bashing because I am already beside myself. And forget that this is even about social media, but honestly how would any of you feel being excluded from them while sitting right there with all of them? Again, please look beyond the fact that I am even referring to social media, it’s not that, it’s about feeling excluded from such a special day.

[mejustme]

Oh sweetie I am so sorry. I would’ve been hurt as well. The thought of him excluding you from such a great day was low. You did the right thing by letting him know that it hurt you, I am just sorry that it got so ugly.

 

I’m thinking had you stayed until everyone left things wouldn’t have been so bad tho. I’m sure you felt isolated and left out so why even be there? Am I right? Hang in there. Take some time and try to heal your heart ❤️

[where do i begin]

Oh sweetie I am so sorry. I would’ve been hurt as well. The thought of him excluding you from such a great day was low. You did the right thing by letting him know that it hurt you, I am just sorry that it got so ugly.

 

I’m thinking had you stayed until everyone left things wouldn’t have been so bad tho. I know and this is why I am kicking myself in the rear. The first day that I met his daughter!!! They weren’t around and I played my exit off smoothly, but I’m sure I ruined the day. I just thought it was best to leave when I did because it was written all over my face. I’m sure you felt isolated and left out so why even be there? Am I right? Hang in there. Take some time and try to heal your heart ❤️

 

Something I will regret for a long time I am sure, but in my heart I did the right thing. I mean I was right there with them and he blatantly ignored that fact.

[Normm]

I'm thinking that social media has nothing to do with your problems nor does the fact that he's a law enforcement officer engaging in dangerous undercover drug operations.

[where do i begin]

I'm thinking that social media has nothing to do with your problems nor does the fact that he's a law enforcement officer engaging in dangerous undercover drug operations.

 

Thanks for your feedback Norm. You are probably right. My problem is with being excluded. Let me ask you; if there wasn’t any socia media and you stood there next to your girl or boyfriend and people walked up and he/she introduced everyone but you, how would you have felt?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks for your feedback Norm. You are probably right. My problem is with being excluded. Let me ask you; if there wasn’t any socia media and you stood there next to your girl or boyfriend and people walked up and he/she introduced everyone but you, how would you have felt?

 

That is pretty crappy . I wonder why he did that.

[where do i begin]

That is pretty crappy . I wonder why he did that.

 

I have no clue. I laughed it off at first, but I am thinking it was more of a snarky laugh bc he asked what was wrong and I simply asked him why he would have left me off the post. Again, more to this than social media and validation. It was rude and disrespectful. Like I said for the last month he was posting things and leaving me out, but I thought it was because of his daughter and since now I met her and we seemed to be hitting it off I thought wow, when I saw the post without me in it. Anyone on here can call me crazy or insecure and say that I have issues, but truth be told there was a reason why he hid me yesterday, and I’m going to say because of social media and him not wanting some other woman knowing he is taken. Intuition, red flag!!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I have no clue. I laughed it off at first, but I am thinking it was more of a snarky laugh bc he asked what was wrong and I simply asked him why he would have left me off the post. Again, more to this than social media and validation. It was rude and disrespectful. Like I said for the last month he was posting things and leaving me out, but I thought it was because of his daughter and since now I met her and we seemed to be hitting it off I thought wow, when I saw the post without me in it. Anyone on here can call me crazy or insecure and say that I have issues, but truth be told there was a reason why he hid me yesterday, and I’m going to say because of social media and him not wanting some other woman knowing he is taken. Intuition, red flag!!

 

But, while you were out, did someone approach you guys and he introduced everyone else but you?

[ChatroomHero]

I had an ex fiancee that was like this. It wasn't the FB that really triggered anything, but gave backup to things I suspected. Everywhere she went she would check in and post probably 20 pictures. Any time I was there she would never check in or post pictures with me. Eventually I noticed she was clearly avoiding pictures with me near.

 

Honestly, I guess I recognized it happening on FB but didn't really think or care about it until other things started happening. So after a while things weren't adding up and I started to notice it and pay attention. In her case, it was because she was still in contact with an Ex and was 'hiding' me. It became the final nail in the coffin. I look at it like this; if whether on FB or in person someone is 'hiding' you, it is either they are embarrassed of you or there is someone they want to make sure doesn't see that they are dating you. So I expect either an ex or someone they would rather date than you.

 

Since you met this guys kids already and he didn't check in with you but did with the kids, my first guess would be he doesn't want his ex or another woman to see he is dating. Once the kids meet you, there really should be no downplaying that you are together. If I was dating someone and they mentioned that to me and mentioned that they were hurt, I wouldn't turn it around on them, I'd just say let's take a picture of all of us and i'd post that and tag everyone.

 

Someone else mentioned maybe it is because of his job, but if that were true he would not be checking in with his kids.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I disagree with much of what you said, CH. I've been divorced since 2010 and have dated, but I've never posted about it on social media. I'm a pretty private person, I guess. Some people are the exact opposite and post all of the intimate details of their life on social media, including every relationship success and failure. I think this is a particularly sensitive "area" when it comes to divorced people with kids. I just don't want everyone knowing my business.

[where do i begin]

But, while you were out, did someone approach you guys and he introduced everyone else but you?

 

No, I was just using that as an analogy because some may just see that this is about Facebook, but it’s not.

[where do i begin]

I disagree with much of what you said, CH. I've been divorced since 2010 and have dated, but I've never posted about it on social media. I'm a pretty private person, I guess. Some people are the exact opposite and post all of the intimate details of their life on social media, including every relationship success and failure. I think this is a particularly sensitive "area" when it comes to divorced people with kids. I just don't want everyone knowing my business.

 

I am not much for social media either, but there is a reason why he didn’t include me when I was right there with him and the kids. I hardly ever post anything. And I too keep it very private.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I am not much for social media either, but there is a reason why he didn’t include me when I was right there with him and the kids. I hardly ever post anything. And I too keep it very private.

 

What do you think the reason was? Did he have a pattern of "tagging" other women he dated before you came along? Is it possible he just doesn't advertise his dating life on Facebook?