Welp guess that’s it!! Crushed!

[where do i begin]

OP, You need to understand that at the moment, it is not about you.

 

Yes, I agree, but he never told me what it was! I have no clue if it is me. Someone mentioned that he should’ve said something like, “ it’s not about you, but I need some space to clear my head”. It’s to the point that he Is a project for me, yes I came here to vent and looking for answers so I do appreciate all of the feedback. I just am not a person that sees black and white. I always try to understand and always without doubt question the why oart.

Edited May 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Redhead14]

but he never told me what it was! I have no clue if it is me.

 

 

You need to balance your emotions with logic for now. What you do know is that he has been struggling with his divorce and issues with seeing his kids and being pulled on for money. Put yourself in his shoes. It would be overwhelming at best. I don't care how strong you are, this kind of thing would wear on a person.

 

So where does that leave you? Don't assume it's about you. Don't pull on him. Ride this out for a while and when/if he does reach out to you again, you let him know that you know how difficult his situation can be and explain how the way he handled this made you feel in a calm and respectful yet caring way.

 

All that being said, if it goes days without contact you can do one of two things: a) reach out gently and check in on him and see how he responds or block and delete him. If he goes that long without reaching out to you, I don't think any explanation or confrontation is necessary or worth it.

 

If this is habit with him that you can't deal with and he isn't willing or able to make adjustments for you, you need to move on. It's not him being a jerk. It's just how he deals with things. Some women could handle this, a lot couldn't.

Edited May 21, 2019 by Redhead14

[where do i begin]

You need to balance your emotions with logic for now. What you do know is that he has been struggling with his divorce and issues with seeing his kids and being pulled on for money. Put yourself in his shoes.

thank you. I really do appreciate it. Edited May 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[TheFinalWord]

I don't think it's you.

 

He's just not in a place where he can have a healthy relationship right now.

 

You may not want to be so harsh if you break up. If you are open to it, he might want to come back later when he has this stuff sorted out.

 

We men only have so much emotional energy. We aren't as emotionally resilient as women. We get drained by emotions a lot quicker. It sounds like he's dealing with multiple women drawing and quartering him, emotionally speaking.

 

He can't just turn all that off and act happy with you. It isn't you, IMO. It's the situation.

Edited May 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
fixed spacing

[elaine567]

Where are you in all this?

His issues, his ex, his kids, his court case, his stress levels, his ego, ... on and on and on...

[where do i begin]

I don't think it's you. He's just not in a place where he can have a healthy relationship right now.

 

thank you. I am glad to hear a mans perspective on this. I appreciate your input. Edited May 22, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[where do i begin]

Where are you in all this?

His issues, his ex, his kids, his court case, his stress levels, his ego, ... on and on and on...

 

What do you mean? Where am I emotionally, physically? Emotionally, I think the daughter is using him, I think that if she were my child I would have a damn fit, but I. D.o.n.t day any of that to him. All I say is I am sorry that you are going through this and that I am here. But I didn’t expect to be pushed aside either. Where I am emotionally is obviously, I am a damn mess. And hope that he won’t just disregard me like a 5 year old. I would like some explanation in this whole thing. If you are referring to physically, I have my home and my own children that reside with me and have a very good relationship with my ex husband. I truly am such an understanding person with communication and I always see both sides and if it’s something that I am doing or have done, I have no problem adjusting things as I or he seems fit, but he does communicate. But I have to say, we have never gone this long with no contact. It hurts and I am a mess right now because I know this is it and I will never see him again and not having any type of closure will haunt me forever.

[elaine567]

What I mean is where do you really fit in?

You are apparently twisting yourself into knots trying to accommodate all of his problems, who is looking out for and supporting you?

[where do i begin]

What I mean is where do you really fit in?

You are apparently twisting yourself into knots trying to accommodate all of his problems, who is looking out for and supporting you?

 

I know and idk why I never figure this stuff out. I am 100% empath. One of my biggest down falls. And I have this huge problem rationalizing things. Ugh I just don’t know anymore. I have this whole anxiety attachment thing going right now Thank you for listening to me. I think my biggest fear is that he strung me along and now perhaps found a new interest.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're interpreting his distance as rejection ... when his distance right now is based on feeling useless, unappreciated, unloved by his children ... He's not just experiencing the predictable teenage distance and and rebelliousness ... No, he's feeling full-scale rejection by the kids. That's hard!

 

He's likely feeling that all of his love, all of his authority, all of his concern for them .... has led to naught. Nothing. Zilch! Very few of us ... could feel such distance from the kids, such a sense of rejection, and still have our emotional hearts and energy open to romance. Very few of us. And he's got the ex pushing his buttons in new ways and an ex who is poisoning the mind so his kids. You wanna talk about feeling hopeless? Depressed? Weak? ... Defeated? ... He's likely feeling all of that.

 

If you really want a relationship with this guy, use some of that empathy you say you have to step up and try to imagine why he's feeling like dirt right now. He's probably coming home, dropping on a couch or chair and sitting in front of the tv/computer all night ... He's that empty and demobilized. He's probably calling up every bit of energy in his body to just get through the work day.

 

You want some connection with this guy? ... Send him some love and concern that goes right to the vulnerable, hurting place he is right now. If you can't do that, then this isn't the guy for you/you aren't the woman for him. I mean that neutrally! Sometimes we cannot give others what they need. That's what dating is designed to discover (at its best).

 

There's no guarantee that if you do that, things will turn out right. But you keep talking about feeling "discarded." He is nothing to give you right now. He's feeling discarded himself.

 

But if you can't see beyond your own pain, then yes, this thing will be over.

[Amethyst68]

Sorry, I don't agree with the other posters.

 

 

 

OP, if I'm correct, this is your first relationship since your divorce and you're still counting in months. You have a right to your feelings, to bring treated with a modicum of decency. Yes this man may have a lot on his plate just now but it also sounds like he is sulking, a grown man can take 2mins out of his day to let you know how/where he is, he doesn't need to be in contact continuously. It's common curteousy nothing else.

 

 

As for you, you need to detach from the situation. I'm not saying break up but definitely pull back. Do not give your all and certainly do not chase this man, let him come to you when he has worked things out. Try not to get so invested although I realise it's probably too late. Unfortunately I don't think this man is anywhere near emotionally ready for a serious committed relationship.

[where do i begin]

Just as I thought he would. The good the bad and the ugly.

 

I saw the red flags, that’s the good. The lack of affection, the not staying over during the night after we attended functions together. The texting conversations started to dwindle with him citing he was busy at work.

 

He claims he’s been overly stressed with everything from the ex, the kids, having to revisit court 4 years after the divorce. Claims he didn’t want to have to worry more about my health since I wasn’t doing everything that I could ( I am a newly diagnosed type 1 diabetic in really good health) just have to watch things. He says since not speaking for three days he is less stressed. We are going to meet and do the whole his/her exchange tonight. Ugh. I’m already a nervous wreck.

 

Just a snip it of what he wrote:

 

I said I would talk

the past few days I haven’t thought about it cause it adds stress if your looking for a quick resolution I can’t say that will happen

I know I’ve been less stress past few days “

 

 

I’ve accepted this, although I think he is lying

about things especially my health, bc I am in better health now than I have been in the last three years. Kind of below the belt excuse if you ask me. I’m upset and crushed and can not believe this. I know I’m better off knowing now. But come on, really?! We were fine until his daughter started using him.

[elaine567]

Maybe he thinks if he gets rid of you, his daughters will be back on side.

[stillafool]

So did he break up with you or did you break up with him? His daughters will always come first but I imagine you already know that. How much of your stuff does he have that you need to collect? This is why it isn't a good idea to leave your stuff at a man's house or his at yours. If he broke up with you you should just leave your stuff there and not look back.

Edited May 22, 2019 by stillafool

[Lotsgoingon]

There is a contradiction here.

 

You're reacting with deep hurt and pain to the possible end of your relationship with this guy ... actually at a bump in the road with this guy ...

 

It makes sense to react with such a sense of loss ... if the relationship has been great and if he has been, til now, a fantastic partner.

 

But if he's been such a fantastic partner until a few nights ago ... then your instinct should be to be a little patient ... knowing that this behavior is not who he really is ...

 

Now you're saying there were red flags all along ... So sounds like you attached to him too soon and too deeply ... despite the red flags ... Interesting ... This is a little, or a lot, confusing to me. This isn't the end of the world--you know that right?!

[Redhead14]

He says since not speaking for three days he is less stressed.

 

I think he is lying

 

He's being honest. This guy is confirming exactly what we've been telling you: He is not in a good place mentally and emotionally to maintain a relationship. As for mentioning your health, stress is a big deal for a person with diabetes and you cannot deny that all this has been stressful for you as well. He's not being a jerk. The hard reality is that she is his daughter, like it or not and forever. Whether she is using him is not is not any of our business and he needs to deal with that in whatever way he chooses. So, even if you two didn't part ways, that situation would exist for quite some time and you would always be back seat and stressed out too.

 

 

Don't be nervous. Do what needs to be done and do it with grace and dignity with the realization that this just wasn't the one.

[where do i begin]

Now you're saying there were red flags all along ... So sounds like you attached to him too soon and too deeply ... despite the red flags ... Interesting ... This is a little, or a lot, confusing to me. This isn't the end of the world--you know that right?!

I do know that this isn’t the end of the world. The red flags I am referring to are more recent, meaning within the last two weeks or so. But I chose to sit back and not mention them to him because I knew he had so much going on. Funny thing is, I didn’t want to add to his stress. But I know I’m my heart that the few reasons that he stated are not true reasons. They just don’t make sense to me. I just wish for once the dumper would just be honest instead of beating up the dumper emotionally. My health should not be a reason to dump me. I am a type 1 diabetic, I do not have a fatal illness ( I mean it could be some day, but I keep everything in check) according to my doctor I am a phenomenal study and in great health. So that just doesn’t make sense to me.

I will however accept that I may have added stress for him because I wear my heart in my sleeve and although I did not discuss what was bothering me with him, I’m sure he sensed it.

[where do i begin]

The hard reality is that she is his daughter, like it or not and forever. Whether she is using him is not is not any of our business and he needs to deal with that in whatever way he chooses. So, even if you two didn't part ways, that situation would exist for quite some time and you would always be back seat and stressed out too.

I 100% agree with you with his children and as do my children his should always come first. I never voiced my opinion, in fact all I would usually say is that I am sorry you are going through this. I know you’re a great father. And that I am here for you. I never voiced my opinion. I never felt that it was my place and honestly, our relationship in my opinion was not that far ahead to be making any judgement calls. My Illness should absolutely not be a problem for him. I mean, yes if I didn’t take care of myself, and I do.

 

Actually upon diagnosis 18 months ago my A1C was 10.7 and to date it is now a 5.3. I am actually a very diligent diabetic. Yes, I have lost weight, which they can’t seem to figure out why since I am on insulin, but it’s only been at the most 8 lbs. I never ate much and honestly I am a very petite person that doesn’t weigh a lot anyway. They are only concerned about my weight bc they feel I should be gaining on insulin, but I am active. Anyhow, I. D.o.n.t hold anything over his head with his children. But personally I think his one daughter doesn’t like the fact that he had a serious girlfriend.

 

But I do think the one thing that is keeping me from jumping is the fact that I realize this isn’t just something that will go away over night especially when children are involved.

 

But thank you, I love reading your input ❤️

Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[where do i begin]

So did he break up with you or did you break up with him? His daughters will always come first but I imagine you already know that. How much of your stuff does he have that you need to collect? This is why it isn't a good idea to leave your stuff at a man's house or his at yours. If he broke up with you you should just leave your stuff there and not look back.

 

He wants to meet to exchange our stuff. And said this “if you’re looking for a quick resolution I can’t say that will happen” that’s a nice way imo that he is done. I think anyway.

[Curiousroxy86]

Op I like that your not taking his BS comment he made about your health. Whether it’s a petty scapegoat excuse (many men do this to make excuses for their bad behavior or to breakup btw) or whether it really is something that bothers him that he never voiced I’m just happy your not accepting it as a problem with you!

 

Honestly I want this talk done and over with lol. Every new post I see the title and think ok something happened but then it’s just a small distant response and now it’s we finally are going to talk but nothing actually happening yet lol.

 

I don’t like the idea that your waiting on him to breakup. I don’t like the idea that your allowing this guy to let your life just hang in the balance. But this is what you choose to put up with so we shall see how this turns out

[where do i begin]

Op I like that your not taking his BS comment he made about your health. Whether it’s a petty scapegoat excuse (many men do this to make excuses for their bad behavior or to breakup btw) or whether it really is something that bothers him that he never voiced I’m just happy your not accepting it as a problem with you!

 

Honestly I want this talk done and over with lol. Every new post I see the title and think ok something happened but then it’s just a small distant response and now it’s we finally are going to talk but nothing actually happening yet lol.

 

I don’t like the idea that your waiting on him to breakup. I don’t like the idea that your allowing this guy to let your life just hang in the balance. But this is what you choose to put up with so we shall see how this turns out

Thank you, although I appreciate everyone’s feedback, this is how I see it. However, I’m pretty sure the breaking up part already happened. I know this may sound crazy and some will think I am nuts, perhaps, but it just boggles my mind thatvhe would use my disease as an excuse! Like, wow?! Really?! If I was over weight and ate crappy, or didn’t take my meds, I’ve lost weight and can’t keep it on. Omg!! I. D.o.n.t have an eating disorder or anything, just don’t always have an appetite and I’m nauseous often, so I take my zofran and deal. I mean wth? So for me to say that doesn’t make sense isn’t a stretch, leading me to believe that it’s one of his excuses! But why?! That’s what gets me every time, just freaking tell me why you are using that as one of your reasons!! Ugh

[stillafool]

He wants to meet to exchange our stuff. And said this “if you’re looking for a quick resolution I can’t say that will happen” that’s a nice way imo that he is done. I think anyway.

 

I agree with you. Why would you still want to be with a man who wants to fly the coup because you have Type I diabetes? It is a serious illness that can have severe complications, he knows this and doesn't want the responsibility. He is only concerned about his own family and I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't end up back with his wife.

Edited May 22, 2019 by stillafool

[PRW]

Stay off social media. Social media destroys everything. Everyone thinks that everything everyone posts is somehow about them,...especially if they are insecure and suspisious. It happens constantly.

[nospam99]

Male here. I followed this thread in RD and kept my mouth shut. I figure it's 'now or never' to throw in my opinion cuz I don't follow BBU.

 

I may have missed it but I see nothing in his behavior that he wants to break up, nothing that I wouldn't do in the same situation even if I wanted to maintain a months-long relationship with a woman. What I see is he's stressed and reacting to that stress by internalizing, same as I would do. The big stress for me in his situation would be going back to court. I also may have lost track but it sounded to me that his 'shutting' OP out is a phenomenon of days.

 

Well, OP and other females 'piling on' the ''he's breaking up so move on'' train, it sure ain't that way with me. One of the most frustrating things I've found with the women in my life is that they make life-changing evaluations in what is, to me, a short-term time frame - days to a couple of weeks. I don't work that way, I question if most men do, and I suggest that women give 'us' more time. Give us at least two weeks to come to our senses, more if the stress is high or continuing (when is his court appearance?) Otherwise you're turning your back on a man who may very well take it as kicking him while he's down.

 

TL/DR - if I was the guy in this drama, I'd want my woman to a) give me more time to stabilize and b) come to me with 'Your actions, shutting me out, are hurting me. I want to be there for you. Will you talk to me about it as soon as you can? Now, if possible.'

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

One of the most frustrating things I've found with the women in my life is that they make life-changing evaluations in what is, to me, a short-term time frame - days to a couple of weeks. I don't work that way, I question if most men do, and I suggest that women give 'us' more time.

 

I dated someone a few years ago and when we met up months later because he asked me to do some work for him he told me he didn't even think we had broken up on the night we actually did...... I was quite sure of it and wanted it and thought he did too, but apparently he just thought we were taking a break until days stretched into weeks with no contact.....