Girl I'm dating made a comment about my hair, now I don't want to talk to her again

[some_username1]

some_username1 wrote:

"Guys are just expected to put up and shut up because...well, because they're men."

 

Well kind of true.

Men are the dragon slayers.

They are not really supposed to be thin-skinned over a hair cut...

 

BUT

The OP was "triggered" here.

He needs to do some more work on his self esteem.

Partners are always going to throw some barbs, he needs to be able to shrug them off.

 

Well, it's entirely about context and intonation. If it's "Oh it's sooo weird!" in a playful way and the girl has no previous history of being callous then it's far easier to see as a joke. If it was delivered in a cutting way and is in entirely in keeping with her character then I don't think a thick skin should be required as far worse will inevitably follow and gender should not be an excuse for poor behaviour and men should not be expected to *make* such excuses purely by dint of their genitalia.

Edited May 23, 2019 by some_username1

[JuneL]

I'm wondering how she took the news of the breakup....

 

If it was just a one-off tactless remark, then she actually dodged a bullet. Don’t think many people (men or women) can handle such an overly sensitive soul.

 

I really hope the OP can come back and tell us whether she has the tendency to make such insensitive remarks.

[Jay1971]

I think a lot of people are really missing the point here. The issue isn’t his haircut or that she didn’t agree with him. It’s about her tactless put down in front of others. What she did was incredibly disrespectful and showed her lack of social skills. This is the type of person who would have no problem arguing in public or around friends. Then, to worsen things, instead of admitting she blundered and simply apologizing, she tried to cover it up with superficial words. Everything she did in those few moments was wrong and spoke volumes about her character.

 

Exactly this.

[JuneL]

Exactly this.

 

Jay: I saw your thread. The remark made by your boyfriend was beyond insensitive. Personally I would break up with him. I just can’t imagine how you can still feel any attraction for him after his saying something like that.

[Ruby Slippers]

thefooloftheyear, I see your point, but some people are naturally more sensitive than others and simply don't respond well to mean comments.

 

I could easily swipe back at someone who criticizes me, but that's not my nature. I'm kind, gentle, and sincere (fierce and ferocious in a positive orientation when necessary), just don't get along with people who are sarcastic, critical, and rude. All my friends also have kind, gentle natures. I even work at a nonprofit with an ethical mission because I do so much better around NICE people. It's worth a great deal to me.

 

You can call me thin-skinned - but personally, I have no desire to grow a thick, tough hide. It's not who I am.

 

As Jewel says in one of her songs: "I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way."

[HumanMachine]

I think a lot of people are really missing the point here. The issue isn’t his haircut or that she didn’t agree with him. It’s about her tactless put down in front of others. What she did was incredibly disrespectful and showed her lack of social skills. This is the type of person who would have no problem arguing in public or around friends. Then, to worsen things, instead of admitting she blundered and simply apologizing, she tried to cover it up with superficial words. Everything she did in those few moments was wrong and spoke volumes about her character.

 

This is exactly it. I simply don't need to be with someone who I feel is inconsiderate. There are plenty of women out there!!

 

I'm wondering how she took the news of the breakup....

 

We were only 'dating' for 3 weeks, we weren't in a relationship. I just told her that I wasn't feeling it, she has messaged since but I haven't bothered replying.

[guest569]

I'm curious to know how a male haircut could be so weird.

 

The most important question here is..

 

HM, how do you feel about your haircut? Is it what you asked for?

[fishlips]

This is exactly it. I simply don't need to be with someone who I feel is inconsiderate. There are plenty of women out there!!

 

 

We were only 'dating' for 3 weeks, we weren't in a relationship. I just told her that I wasn't feeling it, she has messaged since but I haven't bothered replying.

 

I think you did the right thing. I might have thought you were being overly sensitive if she actually apologized, but it doesn't sound like she did. Maybe I missed something, but it sounds like she was just covering up her mistake without actually admitting it. I hope you find someone nicer next time.

[HumanMachine]

I'm curious to know how a male haircut could be so weird.

 

The most important question here is..

 

HM, how do you feel about your haircut? Is it what you asked for?

 

It's slightly shorter around the back and sides than I'd usually go for, but we're talking about a centimetre here. It's really not that extreme, my hair grows quickly so it'll be back to its former glory in a month or so. ]

[d0nnivain]

We were only 'dating' for 3 weeks, we weren't in a relationship. I just told her that I wasn't feeling it, she has messaged since but I haven't bothered replying.

 

Oh gee.

 

For some reason I thought you had been together longer. I'm still VERY Proud of you for voicing the breakup rather than ghosting but for pete's sake if she has foot-in-mouth tactlessness 21 days into this, you are better off jettisoning her. At this fledgling stage with her friends around, her comments do read more like a power-play her trying to look cool / tough or something in front of her friends at your expense.

[basil67]

I asked hubby about this. He thinks you take yourself too seriously.

[HumanMachine]

Oh gee.

 

For some reason I thought you had been together longer. I'm still VERY Proud of you for voicing the breakup rather than ghosting but for pete's sake if she has foot-in-mouth tactlessness 21 days into this, you are better off jettisoning her. At this fledgling stage with her friends around, her comments do read more like a power-play her trying to look cool / tough or something in front of her friends at your expense.

 

Thank you!

 

I asked hubby about this. He thinks you take yourself too seriously.

 

Yes I do, but I also know what I want and what I don't. I don't need to settle for anything less!

[d0nnivain]

I think some of the people who are still expressing concerns are worried about your initial reaction. You initially said you were not going to speak to her again. You didn't do that. You did do the honorable thing & spoke one last time to tell her it was over. That remains a mature decision.

 

Knowing what you want & enforcing your boundaries is also a good thing.

 

What the critics are suggesting is that perhaps there may have been a way to defuse the situation, extract an apology from her, cause her to think before she speaks in the future & perhaps salvage the relationship.

 

She's a lost cause but next time somebody hurts your feelings, tell the person they hurt your feelings. Sometimes comments are just thoughtless. IMO you can work your way back from an inadvertent slight but when you recognize a pattern of not caring or worse intentional harm, then walking away without looking back is the best option.

[anika99]

Just read the whole thread and see that posters are at polar opposites regarding this matter.

 

I'm one who thinks words and tone matter. Some people are saying that the girl was just being honest but I don't agree. Being honest would be more along the lines of waiting until she was alone with him and then telling him she preferred his hair longer. "That's a weird haircut, did you ask for that" is not just expressing an honest opinion, it's an insult, and to say it in front of others that are strangers makes it extra offensive.

 

I say she either intended to insult him, maybe to show off to her friends or she is just tactless and severely lacking in proper social skills and the OP is allowed to have a preference for women who are a little more sensitive and articulate.

[thefooloftheyear]

I dunno….

 

Life is just sooooo much easier when you don't take everything so serious, or view trivial things automatically as insults......The world has enough things to be serious about, someone finding a new haircut looked "weird" definitely isn't one of them...

 

Without starting a gender debate, this is also about "being a guy"....Practically no woman is going to view a guy positively if he gets bent out of shape about little stuff. ...One of the many positives about being male is how guys tend to let these things pass without issue, or joke it off as insignificant in the grand scheme.....I know all women aren't the same regarding this topic and its a good reason to be safe about what you say to one, especially when it comes to physical appearance, but the women who are the same as guys in this area are true treasures...

 

TFY

[Woggle]

I dunno….

 

Life is just sooooo much easier when you don't take everything so serious, or view trivial things automatically as insults......The world has enough things to be serious about, someone finding a new haircut looked "weird" definitely isn't one of them...

 

Without starting a gender debate, this is also about "being a guy"....Practically no woman is going to view a guy positively if he gets bent out of shape about little stuff. ...One of the many positives about being male is how guys tend to let these things pass without issue, or joke it off as insignificant in the grand scheme.....I know all women aren't the same regarding this topic and its a good reason to be safe about what you say to one, especially when it comes to physical appearance, but the women who are the same as guys in this area are true treasures...

 

TFY

 

 

Maybe this is about being a guy but no guy should put up with stuff that would be labeled verbal abuse if the genders were reversed. Letting this slide is how men end up in marriages with women who treat them with contempt and have fallen out of love. You don't wait until she has lost all respect for you to put your foot down.

[ChatroomHero]

I think obviously she was out of line to insult you like that and at the same time you probably overreacted and took it harder than you should have, but that is understandable.

 

 

I expect that two things were involved in your reaction:

 

 

1. You weren't sold on her and when you are not 100% into someone, if they slight you, you'll take it a little harder. If you were totally into her, you'd probably look the other way or down play it and it would be easier to let go. Not being way into her something like that will tend to tip the scales.

 

 

2. It's a trust thing. If I am dating someone and they embarrass or insult me in front of others, I lose trust really quickly. If you are dating and looking for a partner and someone on your side, the last thing you want is someone you feel will insult you again or is not really on your side and is 'against' you. If I'm dating someone and she sides against me it's easy to feel she doesn't respect me and I can't trust her to be on my side. I don't want to date someone that would be critical of me in front of friends and other people.

 

 

It sounds like you handled it well. I expect you were on the fence enough where her slight tipped the scale and wrecked the interest you had. Maybe her comment was a one off, a bad joke, came out harsher than she meant it to...whatever. Either way, it killed your interest. In that sense it may have been an overreaction to the comment, but you were eventually going to lose interest and that was just a catalyst.

[guest569]

It's slightly shorter around the back and sides than I'd usually go for, but we're talking about a centimetre here. It's really not that extreme, my hair grows quickly so it'll be back to its former glory in a month or so. ]

 

Short back and sides is very trendy at the moment. Doesn't sound weird to me!

[basil67]

Maybe this is about being a guy but no guy should put up with stuff that would be labeled verbal abuse if the genders were reversed.

 

You seem to have forgotten that some women have been posting about their similar experiences and how we laugh it off. If the genders were reversed and there was talk of this being verbal abuse, I'd talk about what *real* verbal abuse is.

[Woggle]

You seem to have forgotten that some women have been posting about their similar experiences and how we laugh it off. If the genders were reversed and there was talk of this being verbal abuse, I'd talk about what *real* verbal abuse is.

 

If a woman made a thread talking about how a man mocked her appearance then most people would tell her to dump him. In this thread some say different in order to tell the OP that he is overreacting but that is because there is an agenda behind it.

[JuneL]

If a woman made a thread talking about how a man mocked her appearance then most people would tell her to dump him. In this thread some say different in order to tell the OP that he is overreacting but that is because there is an agenda behind it.

 

What agenda?

 

I’m one of the few who could see both sides of the arguments. I could understand how a guy would be hurt if the girl he’s dating said he’s useless or insulted his intelligence — please see my response to one such thread just yesterday, in which I told the guy to have some dignity and don’t act like a doormat.

 

Many men of quality couldn’t care less what others think of their looks.

[basil67]

If a woman made a thread talking about how a man mocked her appearance then most people would tell her to dump him. In this thread some say different in order to tell the OP that he is overreacting but that is because there is an agenda behind it.

 

If a woman made that thread and it was apparently a one off case of 'foot in mouth' on his part, I'd suggest she be a little more forgiving. I'd also suggest context in terms of some self reflection about the times when she's done the same by accident. None of us is so perfect as to never say something wrong.

 

What is this agenda of which you speak?

[thefooloftheyear]

If a woman made a thread talking about how a man mocked her appearance then most people would tell her to dump him. In this thread some say different in order to tell the OP that he is overreacting but that is because there is an agenda behind it.

 

Did she really "mock' him, though??

 

I mean, if a guy said something like "where did you get those shoes?, they look funny"....That would be the equivalent, Id like to think..And while there does seem to be a better than normal amount of very sensitive people on here, I don't know many women that would get too jerked over that type of thing...Even if it meant a period of the silent treatment, it wouldn't be something that resulted in a termination of the relationship..

 

Like I said previously, he could have diffused it entirely by making a joke about it.. but he felt insulted....No way would that be enough to insult me..

 

TFY

[basil67]

I might add that people who get very offended by an accidentally rude comment are going to find it tough to maintain a relationship. There seem to be some very thin skins around here.

 

I think that what the OPs girlfriend was getting at was that it was weird to see him with a different style but it came out wrong.

[Woggle]

Did she really "mock' him, though??

 

I mean, if a guy said something like "where did you get those shoes?, they look funny"....That would be the equivalent, Id like to think..And while there does seem to be a better than normal amount of very sensitive people on here, I don't know many women that would get too jerked over that type of thing...Even if it meant a period of the silent treatment, it wouldn't be something that resulted in a termination of the relationship..

 

Like I said previously, he could have diffused it entirely by making a joke about it.. but he felt insulted....No way would that be enough to insult me..

 

TFY

 

If a man said something about that some women would be ready to drag him. If a thread like that was on twitter you would have every gender warrior on there treating him like the worst misogynist ever. It is certainly nothing to cry about but if are dating a woman for not that long and she is already making this kinds of comments take it as a red a flag. You won't wait until the building collapses to leave a place with a weak foundation. The agenda that I speak of is to somehow portray men with self respect as being oversensitive men who can't take a little ribbing.