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Girl I'm dating made a comment about my hair, now I don't want to talk to her again

HumanMachine

By HumanMachine
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todreaminblue Established Member

todreaminblue

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i feel that you should tell her how you felt about her comment ....after she made that comment she told you she thinks you are handsome.that sort fo signifies to me that she knows she made a mistake so confront the elephant in the room and tell her privately when you get a chance that her comment in front of others hurt your feelings..... dont stop talking to her because she made a mistake...forgive her and move on...if she does it to you again....deal with it immediately ....pull her up if she embarasses you in front of others....ask her why she feels the need to say what she said immediately.on the spot....she may just have poor social skills and an off joke radar....i wish you well.....deb

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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My first 80's perm: boyfriend was so appalled that he couldn't even look at me. People can't always fake how they feel. These days, if hubby doesn't like my hair, he just says nothing. Obviously saying nothing would have been an improvement on your girlfriend's reaction, but sometimes things do blurt out when we're shocked.

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LivingWaterPlease Established Member

LivingWaterPlease

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My first 80's perm: boyfriend was so appalled that he couldn't even look at me. People can't always fake how they feel. These days, if hubby doesn't like my hair, he just says nothing. Obviously saying nothing would have been an improvement on your girlfriend's reaction, but sometimes things do blurt out when we're shocked.

 

Not to t/j, basil, but I got my haircut and a perm around that same time and a friend's husband took one look at me and blurted out, "Your husband's going to kill you!" :lmao:

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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My first 80's perm: boyfriend was so appalled that he couldn't even look at me. People can't always fake how they feel. These days, if hubby doesn't like my hair, he just says nothing. Obviously saying nothing would have been an improvement on your girlfriend's reaction, but sometimes things do blurt out when we're shocked.

 

Lol, I got my hair cut last week. My boyfriend likes it long, but it’s summer and I like it short. So, we cut it a little shorter for summer...

 

Anyhew, he knew that I was going to get my hair cut and he said nothing when I got to his house. The next day, all my coworkers noticed and made nice comments. So, I teased him - asking why he didn’t notice when everyone else had... his response, “Oh, I noticed. But, I didn’t like it. So, I didn’t say anything...” :lmao:

 

OP, was her comment insensitive? Sure. Did she put her foot in her mouth? Yes. But, who hasn’t said something truly stupid or insensitive at one time or another. Surely, not I. To be in a relationship is to show kindness and patience with your partner, even when they frustrate you. It’s important to keep perspective and let the little things go. This is a little thing - let it go.

 

Gosh, if you are this reactive and unforgiving with a poorly worded comment about your appearance, I can only imagine how you will respond to a serious issue in a relationship.

Edited by BaileyB
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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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Well, I do think your ego seems a little too fragile if that one comment is enough to cause you to want to break up with her..I honestly wouldnt care if people say my haircut is weird (and Im a girl) because I just think they have poor taste.

 

But reading your other comment saying your ex was abusive..then I sort of understand why you are having self esteem problems and being hyper self conscious. But yeah, you are overreacting. Dont let tiny little things like this hurt your feelings.

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h0000 Established Member

h0000

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Gosh, if you are this reactive and unforgiving with a poorly worded comment about your appearance, I can only imagine how you will respond to a serious issue in a relationship.

 

Yes..guys this petty is very unattractive.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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OP, it was an unfortunate choice of words. She probably regretted her comment the moment she said it, and saw the look on your face. Who hasn’t said something they wish they could take back...

 

I sincerely doubt that she was intentionally trying to be spiteful. She was not disrespectful, there was no harm intended. Unlike your response to her, if you don’t respond to her her attempt to make amends.

 

The simple truth is, these kinds of things happen everyday in relationships. If I had a quarter everytime my boyfriend said something stupid... ;) You tell him, I don’t appreciate that comment. He says “sorry.” Or vice versa... And, life goes on... if you are going to get your nose out of joint over every little thing, you are going to have a difficult time with relationships...

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bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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I think if you've been with someone who was verbally abusive before, then your instincts are kicking in. While it may seem like you're overreacting, the truth is you know her comment was rude. If this is her basic MO, then she's testing you to see how much you'll tolerate. Instead of her sending that text, she should've called you and apologized. That would've set a completely different tone. Personally, I wouldn't blame you for walking away from her over this, and I don't blame you for not responding to her last text.

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Marc878 Established Member

Marc878

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Not sure if she's rude or stupid. Maybe both.

 

If this was a short term thing I'd drop her.

 

You know her better.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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OP, how long have you been dating this girl and what has her behavior been like prior to this one unfortunate comment? Has she been kind and considerate to you, or has she been rude or inconsiderate in other ways...

 

As a one-off, this should be no big deal. Everyone should be allowed a little leeway to be less than perfect, some of the time. But, if it is a pattern of behavior, that is perhaps another story...

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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So, I teased him - asking why he didn’t notice when everyone else had... his response, “Oh, I noticed. But, I didn’t like it. So, I didn’t say anything...” :lmao:

 

Exactly. Getting offended at someone's truth is pointless. Of course, if the partner is constantly working to undermine you, it's a whole different story.

 

Edit to add: I just read your history. It would seem that cutting people off is how you are most comfortable dealing with disagreements or real/imagined slights. Unless you are seeking to change, you may as well continue as you have been.

Edited by basil67
h0000 Established Member

h0000

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she's testing you to see how much you'll tolerate. Instead of her sending that text, she should've called you and apologized. .

 

One comment and she is abusive and testing how much he can tolerate?

 

Is it me or people here are really making a big deal out of (almost)nothing?

 

I guess we just cant tell our true opinions anymore

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GeorgiaPeach1 Established Member

GeorgiaPeach1

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When this sort of thing happens to us women, we're told to quit being overly sensitive and get over it.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Is it me or people here are really making a big deal out of (almost)nothing?

 

People here are really making a big deal out of almost nothing... ;)

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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Exactly. Getting offended at someone's truth is pointless. Of course, if the partner is constantly working to undermine you, it's a whole different story.

 

Edit to add: I just read your history. It would seem that cutting people off is how you are most comfortable dealing with disagreements or real/imagined slights. Unless you are seeking to change, you may as well continue as you have been.

 

And the best part is - I didn’t actually care! I knew he wouldn’t like it, but I’ve been wearing my hair the way he likes it for two years now... I wanted a short summer cut! It’s hair, it will grow back. I knew he wouldn’t like it, but I wanted something different and it was my decision. He could have made the comment in front of others, I could have cared less.

 

Goodness, last week I made an attempt at humour and accidentally ended up telling my family that my boyfriend had been complaining that we spend too much time with them. Oops! I’m sure he didn’t like that either, but he didn’t say anything... because, that’s what you do when you love someone. You give them the benefit of the doubt, and you don’t sweat the small stuff.

 

C’est la vie. But, if this is your MO in relationships OP - to become easily offended and then walk away rather than communicating and resolving conflict with your partner, again... you will find relationships are going to be very hard for you.

Edited by BaileyB
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Veronica73 Established Member

Veronica73

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I haven’t read the poster’s other threads. But based on this one comment, I thought it was rude and insensitive. Especially considering she said it in front of a friend. Almost sounds like a “neg” like PUA creeps like to do. (Not that girls tend to do that sort of thing).

 

Which was why I said that whether he was overreacting or not, depended on how long he had been seeing her. He said they had been “dating”. What does that mean? If it had only been three dates or so, I feel that it’s perfectly reasonable to stop seeing somebody over something like that. It’s insensitive and rude. At that point people should be on their very best behavior, and if they can’t avoid sticking their foot in it at that point, it’s a red flag. And red flags at that early of a stage are certainly worthy of immediate dumping if you don’t feel like dealing with them.

basil67 Established Member

basil67

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I guess it comes back to some of us being more sensitive than others.

Veronica73 Established Member

Veronica73

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Yeah, I agree. I would be curious as to what exactly she thought was weird about it.

guest569 Established Member

guest569

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And the best part is - I didn’t actually care! I knew he wouldn’t like it, but I’ve been wearing my hair the way he likes it for two years now... I wanted a short summer cut! It’s hair, it will grow back. I knew he wouldn’t like it, but I wanted something different and it was my decision. He could have made the comment in front of others, I could have cared less.

 

I agree it was rude of her but this would be my take too. To hell with her opinion, work on your self esteem. I've had more tactful versions of this from partners, and I note their likes and dislikes but I'm still my own person. Definitely not something to break up over, in my view. But if there are other instances of this then I would start to take note.

BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

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Waaay overreacting. Wow! I"m worried you can't be in a long term relationship if such tiny offenses make you break up with your significant other.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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She bruised your ego.

There you were fresh from the hairdresser, feeling good about your new haircut, no doubt spurred on by good comments from the stylist - "Suits you sir" and your gf burst your bubble, by injecting some honesty into the equation.

Tact is not her strong point, I get that, but do you want people to tell you the truth or do you want to surround yourself with sycophants?

bathtub-row Established Member

bathtub-row

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One comment and she is abusive and testing how much he can tolerate?

 

Is it me or people here are really making a big deal out of (almost)nothing?

 

I guess we just cant tell our true opinions anymore

 

You need to really think about what it took for her to make such a thoughtless and hurtful statement to him in front of other people. Most people wouldn’t do what she did. I didn’t say she was abusive. What I’m saying is that if she is, this is exactly how they operate - they throw out little insensitive comments to see how much you’ll put up with. Then they ramp it up over time. He’s been there and knows what it’s like. At the very minimum, she’s extremely unskilled socially and that in itself is concerning. You can’t fix people. What you see is what you get. If she shows that kind of behavior in that situation, she’s likely to do it again.

 

It’s not about her true opinion. It’s about her lack of discretion and respect toward him. Her remark was completely inappropriate. Then, when she realized she blundered, she tried to cover it up with flattering comments instead of calling him and apologizing profusely.

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BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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She said - “That’s a wired haircut? Did you ask for that?””

 

Is that really thoughtless and hurtful? Or, just a very stupid thing to ask?

mightybop Member

mightybop

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Change your appearance even more for the next time you see her. Start growing a mustache and wear very different clothing, maybe some jewelry too, but act completely normal. When she comments on how weird you look again, call her out for being so rude and insensitive and then stop talking to her.

 

Kidding, of course. But I know that feeling you got when she made that comment. She obviously knew she said the wrong thing because of her compliments afterwards. However, if she keeps up with that type of insensitivity, talk to her about it.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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I remember a thread a couple of weeks ago where the woman asked her bf how he liked her hair and he said "fine, but it is not yours". People were quick to tell her how inconsiderate and what a jerk he was for telling her that about her weave. Just because OP is a man doesn't mean that women can rib him about his appearance and it's okay because it was said by a woman. She was rude and callous to say that to you about your hair, in front of other people OP and; I would drop if I were you. It's summer and there's plenty more women out there who love a short haircut.

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