When is a good time to raise my concern that hes losing interest?

[kendahke]

At the early stages it's like me initiating 20 and them 80. So yeah I just prefer guys doing most of the initiating so I gauge their level of interest. I make sure I response positively.

 

After we have established something, i will start to initiate more, like 50/50.

 

But do you understand that men do the same thing--they gauge your level of interest by how much you arse yourself?

 

Your tack is telling him you're not only not really interested, despite what you may say, but you've got entitlement issues, too, and that will turn some men off really easily if he gets even a whiff of "princess mentality" in the early stages.

 

More wont' be forthcoming until you do step it up to 50+... keep your margins closer to 65/35 and stop being so rigid... that's what breaks.

Edited May 14, 2019 by kendahke

[basil67]

h0000, I'm confused. You said in your opening posts that you're going out on dates and generally seeing each other - so I can't work out why you're still stressing about a lack of texts. Is he disinterested on the dates? Are the dates not frequent enough?

[The Outlaw]

Don't bring it up but keep observing. Should it become more of a frequent occurrence, then he might be pulling away. But if he seems more than interested during the one on one time you have with him, I'd say you have nothing to really worry about. It's probably just a thought.

[stillafool]

My daughter gets hung up when she starts "talking" to a guy if he doesn't text her within the amount of time she expects and automatically assumes he's losing interest. When she says something to him about it, that's when she really does get dropped like a hot potato for being too clingy.

 

I'll tell you what I've told her. In my day, we didn't have texting, FB, Instagram, Snapchat, etc., to "measure" the intensity of our relationships (thank God!) I sometimes went days (not hours) without seeing or talking to someone I was "talking to" and yet, the relationship advanced.

 

Personally, I think this "instant gratification" technology-driven environment we live in is doing more harm than good for relationships, especially in the early stages.

 

EDITED TO ADD: All of that being said, I don't know how everyone my daughters' ages are able to navigate relationships in this digital age. It's too hard and they put too much pressure on each other about who texts when, how long to wait between texts, etc.

 

I couldn't agree more. Back then I don't remember anyone being anxious about communication. It was welcomed but unless a couple was married or living together I don't remember that every day communication was required. I don't understand why younger people aren't busier with their friends, out doing fun things instead of looking at their phones. I would be bored stiff.

[h0000]

h0000, I'm confused. You said in your opening posts that you're going out on dates and generally seeing each other - so I can't work out why you're still stressing about a lack of texts. Is he disinterested on the dates? Are the dates not frequent enough?

 

Because he used to text me everyday and I got used to that pattern. Then suddenly I didnt hear from him for a day and had to reach out to him the next day, only to have a brief convo. So I got anxious and started thinking he's losing interest. I was like " he didnt text me, and didnt sound keen when I texted him, Im sure if i hadnt reached out he would just disappear in my life". And even though we have set up a date, 2 dates actually, for this week, I believed he was just going to cancel the date, or slowly fade, or ghost. Then I got restless and just felt like saying "oh just tell me the truth and end it already, I cant keep this guessing game"

Edited May 14, 2019 by h0000

[olivetree]

I initiated texting yesterday just asking what's up since I haven't heard from him the day before. He said hes been busy visiting family and working.

 

Did you actually say "What's up? I didn't hear from you yesterday."

 

If so, that is communicating that you expect it to be all up to him / you're disappointed somehow.

 

Even though in my experience guys have never cared if they were always the one initiating early on, you still don't want to insinuate that you expect this from him, especially when you're not even in a relationship.

Edited May 14, 2019 by olivetree

[h0000]

So he did initiating text and all that again and the dates are happening. So it could be that I was being crazy about the "losing interest" thing.

 

I feel like im suffering PTSD from all previous disastrous men I dated so now every little mishap is going to cause me distress. And many times when I feel the communication was slowing down, the guy did end up going away. so I'm more convinced my instinct is right. and next time i might get more anxious..

[Redhead14]

I think you're probably right about the PTSD-like response here. It's not fair to him or to yourself to make current prospects pay for the sins of others.

 

But, more than that, you need to embrace the fact that you simply can't allow yourself to become so emotionally invested in a dating prospect so quickly and accept the reality that there will be "false starts" period. Learn to take that part with a grain of salt. Manage your expectations and above all, don't put yourself on hold for any guy ever. Don't expect a guy you've only been dating for a month to be acting like a boyfriend either. You don't want them to be over the top with their pursuit or too lackluster. Balance is key in communicating as well. Let them do more for a bit then start upping on the reciprocation and initiation. You pick up the reins for a bit then give them back so that you each can feel and share the interest level.

[h0000]

well imo it depends on if your multi dating or the type to focus on one at a time to determine how to deal with guys who stop pursuing

Generally I dont multi date because I dont have time. When I see someone it's usually twice a week. That's pretty much all the time I can give for dates. With this guy, he told me on our 2nd date he's not seeing anyone else and I just said yeah me neither. Not exactly the exclusive talk but still feels like I cant see anyone else now..

 

now I know your concern is whether your idea of consistency is being unreasonable or not. me personally bottom line I only say yes to exclusivity to guys who call everyday and ask me out every week if we are talking about bare basics. dont get me wrong he can miss a day or two or a weekend for good reasons

 

I think my boundary is similar to yours. So I guess when he misses a day or two, I should chill first and dont assume the worst. Until it's been a week, then I will react.

 

So is it really bad to say things like "do you still want me" "are you still keen"?

[basil67]

Yes, it is really bad to say things like that. Not only is it needy and undignified, but you're giving away your power. All in all, it's not really about whether they are losing interest - it's about whether or not they are meeting your needs. Thing is, even if he reassures you he's interested but then still doesn't meet your needs, you're no better off.

 

You must have had that date now. What was the vibe? Did it feel like he was drifting?

[Curiousroxy86]

So he did initiating text and all that again and the dates are happening. So it could be that I was being crazy about the "losing interest" thing.

 

I feel like im suffering PTSD from all previous disastrous men I dated so now every little mishap is going to cause me distress. And many times when I feel the communication was slowing down, the guy did end up going away. so I'm more convinced my instinct is right. and next time i might get more anxious..

 

I get it. if you had guys disappear and fade-away in the past its easy to become fearful when a new guy doesnt text in a day when he texted everyday. I believe someone else on ls have those same kind of fears of guys pulling away and they second guess their actions because of it.

 

its more freeing to just kind of expect that BS is going to happen in dating in general. just be your most attractive self and know that guys who are not right for you WILL fade away or you will do away with and the right guy will stick instead of being so fearful everytime a prospect comes your way that he is going pull away. he may anyway even if your perfect for reasons thats irrelevant to you and if your fears manifest in a way that he can perceive it then unfortunately it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy where he does pull away because your showing your insecurities about him pulling away. so its better to just not be scared of it. expect that it more than likely can happen/will happen at some point if you date long enough and just recognize the man that sticks. and whats ironic is when you have that confidence in your self and you show no f*cks given about the outcome in dating many guys do tend to stick on their own volition. good luck Op

[h0000]

Yes, it is really bad to say things like that. Not only is it needy and undignified, but you're giving away your power. All in all, it's not really about whether they are losing interest - it's about whether or not they are meeting your needs. Thing is, even if he reassures you he's interested but then still doesn't meet your needs, you're no better off.

 

You must have had that date now. What was the vibe? Did it feel like he was drifting?

I think he seemed normal, like usual

[Curiousroxy86]

Generally I dont multi date because I dont have time. When I see someone it's usually twice a week. That's pretty much all the time I can give for dates. With this guy, he told me on our 2nd date he's not seeing anyone else and I just said yeah me neither. Not exactly the exclusive talk but still feels like I cant see anyone else now..

 

 

 

I think my boundary is similar to yours. So I guess when he misses a day or two, I should chill first and dont assume the worst. Until it's been a week, then I will react.

 

So is it really bad to say things like "do you still want me" "are you still keen"?

 

I too only have two nights out of my week to see men and I still multi date. multi-date is just communicating/getting to know more than one guy and saying yes to a date when your free to whoever asks that your also interested in. If somebody ask and your not free you simply say "I should be free Saturday".

 

but to address your very important question...

 

Op it is VERY VERY BAD to ask a guy if you still want me or are you still keen.

 

what I want you to do is have an unapologetic love and acceptance and confidence in your self. why? because men find that sexy and they dont want a woman thats not sure of her own self. if your not sure of your own self why should he. if you ask that question he would be more inclined to second guess you when he was sure about you and is going to be so turned off and think "do I really want this girl"? lol

 

dont get me wrong im not saying you dont love your self when you ask this question. I get your trying to gage his interest. its just those type of questions can easily be perceived that you dont think highly of yourself (even if thats really not the case). instead of thinking does this guy want me your mindset should be that any guy that pursues you is one lucky SOB and any guy that falls away is his loss lol. now dont think your better than anyone else and everyone is beneath you of course. my point is do think highly of yourself and continue to think that throughout your dealings with men and it will show in a way that is attractive and respected by men so that you are properly valued accordingly.

 

also if you want to gage a mens interest then you pay attention to his consistent actions towards you over time. alot of guys tell you how they feel about you by his actions. if he does not contact you at all in a week well theres your answer. he is no longer interested. if he stops being nice to you and is being disrespectful or mean well theres your answer. he is no longer interested. if this is the case you dont ask "do you still want me". you leave. if he still contacts you, is affectionate, asking you out well theres your answer. he is still interested. but say he dont contact you in a day. we dont know if he is interested. but we still dont ask that question. why? because we will have our answer tomorrow lol (aka over time). he dont contact tomorrow? next day? the answer is he is not interested enough or at the least not interested to our liking (judging that we have the same boundaries lol). his actions tell you all the information you need. act accordingly. and be sure of yourself. good luck my friend.

[d0nnivain]

This is part of the problem with the modern trend. In the beginning people now think there is some obligation to be in contact with the new person daily so people do these good morning texts or other daily contact but it's an unsustainable chore. After a month or so it gets old & they relax but then the other person freaks out.

 

In the old days nobody would have dreamed of initial daily contact & somebody who attempted it would have been labeled needy, clingy or smothering.

 

When I am 1st getting to know somebody I do NOT want to talk to them every day. It diminishes the mystery / excitement / anticipation.

 

If you go back to a more regular old fashioned pace of 1-2 dates per week & 2-3 contacts in between it will take the pressure off, keep the relationship fresh & force you to get to know each other in person rather then over a device.

[Redhead14]

Yeah, it's kinda funny isn't it? Way before there were cell phones and texting and we only had landlines and couldn't talk on the phone until after school or work and letters to write, people were dating and getting married anyway. LOL

 

 

And, they were enjoying the experience more because there was a little mystery. Now everyone wants a crystal ball to tell them if it's going to work or not before the first date is even finished and they want non-stop validation. Too much self mind-Fing goes on because of texting habits and social media, etc.

[Curiousroxy86]

I could care less about texting. I have no boundaries against it. a guy could never text me and im fine. but I do think its reasonable for a guy to take time out of his day to call on days we dont spend time together. and most guys I have dated/in a relationship with do call

[kendahke]

I feel like im suffering PTSD from all previous disastrous men I dated so now every little mishap is going to cause me distress.

 

Then you're not emotionally ready to be in an exclusive relationship. That should have been sorted long before you started dealing with this guy. How unfair.

 

You've got all these unexpressed expectations that you're not letting him in on, which you unfairly use to then look down your nose on how often he's texting you when you're not doing anything to up what your interest level looks like to him.

[olivetree]

So is it really bad to say things like "do you still want me" "are you still keen"?

 

You think you're being a direct communicator, but this is what it sounds like:

 

"You're treating my badly as if you don't want me. That's okay with me though, as long as you do want me and want to date me."

[preraph]

Yeah, it's kinda funny isn't it? Way before there were cell phones and texting and we only had landlines and couldn't talk on the phone until after school or work and letters to write, people were dating and getting married anyway. LOL

 

 

And, they were enjoying the experience more because there was a little mystery. Now everyone wants a crystal ball to tell them if it's going to work or not before the first date is even finished and they want non-stop validation. Too much self mind-Fing goes on because of texting habits and social media, etc.

 

Amen. These days, people act like the first date is a marriage proposal. I wish people could get it through their heads that you cannot really know a person without seeing them and interacting with them face to face. And that dating isn't any sort of commitment. It's how you get to know someone.

[h0000]

Amen. These days, people act like the first date is a marriage proposal. I wish people could get it through their heads that you cannot really know a person without seeing them and interacting with them face to face. And that dating isn't any sort of commitment. It's how you get to know someone.

 

Oh trust me I know first dates arent marriage proposals, arent commitments, are just to get to know them..but they arent job interviews with no feelings attached either. I still feel hurt, angry,upset etc...

 

I agree with all the right strategies here, "just choose the consistent ones, the others arent right anyway so let them ghost" or "you are just getting to know each other, if it's not right, end it", sounds like no big deal but it's not that easy to just drop this one and pick up the other one and not feel anything..And just because I know they arent the right one, doesnt mean I dont get hurt.

 

Maybe I catch feelings too quick? A month of dating (10 dates spending 1 on 1 time together) is enough for me to grow feelings and miss them and feel very sad if things go south with them. Maybe others need 3 months or even longer to start really feel things. Dating is probably easier for them..

 

Having said that, I do need to manage my anxiety problem..

[LoverOfDance]

Op, there is nothing wrong with asking someone if they are still interested in you. It saves you TIME and ENERGY. You don't want anyone who is easily turned off just because you say this or that.

 

These posters here don't know it but some of them are teaching you: how to trap a guy 101. Be more confident, do this, do that. Some of these posters are teaching you the dating game. Almost everyone is playing the game yet they won't admit that they are playing it. Like i said before, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

 

If your confidence is a little low right now, that is ok. You don't have to be "super confident woman" in order to find a good man. People will tell you: "go and work on yourself first and then date when you're done working on yourself". There is no end to self growth. You will ALWAYS have work to do on yourself. You can date WHILE working on yourself. Stop listening to other ppl's dating rules. There are no actual rules.

 

Also, if you are going to work on yourself, do it outside of dating. Don't do it so that men will stick around or so that you can have better dating prospects. Do it for YOURSELF and for the people you love.

 

To the ppl talking about how technology has made everyone anxious about communication, this may be true but the world HAS changed. Deal with it guys. Technology HAS gotten better and communication technology from what i can see has more positive effects than bad.

 

Finally, i want to leave you with this Op: If you ever have to question a guy's feelings then they probably aren't there OR they may be there but not in the way that you want. I understand that you've grown feelings for this man after 10 dates. You are human and caring about someone is NEVER EVER a bad thing. People should not be easily disposable. Although this new world will tell you that they should be. If you find out that a man isn't right for you, don't beat yourself up for developing feelings too fast. Take your time to heal and then move on.

 

I do hope you find the right guy eventually if this guy isn't it. When you start dating Mr. Right, i honestly don't think you would feel the need to make any posts on here about whether or not we think he is still interested.

[Curiousroxy86]

Op ignore everything we say and show this guy and all the men you meet how anxious you really feel on the inside. Do whatever your emotions tell you to do. please do it and report back here and see how that works for you

[LoverOfDance]

@curiousroxy I want to be as direct as i can. I am glad you know that some of the things i have said are referring to your posts. SOME but not all.

 

Op, the most important thing is that you understand what i am saying. I'm ok if other ppl interpret what i have said wrongly. The important thing is that you get my message.

 

I am trying to help get you to a place where you are not looking for other ppl's opinions or following other ppl's rules but rather are simply putting in work on yourself internally and TRUSTING that you are on the right path.

[d0nnivain]

Op, there is nothing wrong with asking someone if they are still interested in you. It saves you TIME and ENERGY. You don't want anyone who is easily turned off just because you say this or that.

 

the most important thing is that you understand what i am saying. I'm ok if other ppl interpret what i have said wrongly. The important thing is that you get my message.

 

You also referenced things I said and took them out of context. I want the OP to be confident in her approach. I am not suggesting she play games, waste her time or TRAP a man. I am happily married & certainly never trapped any man to be in a relationship with me.

 

However there is a confident way to open a discussion with somebody when your needs aren't being met in a relationship & there is weak, clingy way of doing it that screams needy & unattractive. To point blank ask, "are you still interested in me?" of somebody who is still taking you on dates solely because the pace at which that person texts you telegraphs the idea that you think you are worthless & incomplete unless you have somebody -- anybody -- to boost the confidence you lack in yourself. It is so much better to take a more diplomatic & tactful approach from a secure place of self caring. If the OP insists on having this ill advised conversation, she needs to phrase it differently. Something like "Hey I really enjoyed it when you used to text me daily. I have noticed that changed. What's going on in your life these days & can we go back to the way it was?" The word choice alone speaks to her value rather then turning her into a beggar.

[JuneL]

“Op, there is nothing wrong with asking someone if they are still interested in you. It saves you TIME and ENERGY.”

 

^^^ I’m afraid this is wishful thinking. When a guy is being put on the spot like that, he’s not going to tell her that he has indeed lost interest.