When is a good time to raise my concern that hes losing interest?

[Redhead14]

You're worrying about losing someone you don't even know is worth worrying about losing . . .

 

Get your anxiety in check and let him show you where he's at. Don't reach out to him no matter what now. Push through this. It'll make you stronger for the next time. Go about your life and stop focusing on him.

[kendahke]

I'm seeing a guy, fresh relationship, about a month.

 

Previously he would text me pretty much every day and we see each other pretty consistently.

This week however, he just stopped initiating texts.

 

Before you let your insecurity off its leash, you might want to initiate the texting yourself instead of sitting back waiting on him to text first. If you want to hear from him, pick up the dang phone and text him. Did it ever occur to you that he's watching how little you arse yourself to contact him first and he's figuring that you must not be interested because you never show initiative first?

 

This is a nothing problem you're inventing. This looks like game playing already and you're only a month into this.

Edited May 13, 2019 by kendahke

[h0000]

So to answer the above questions, I'm not afraid of losing him. That's not why im anxious. Im anxious because I don't know what's going on and dont know what's the right thing to do. If he tells me he doesn't want to continue anymore, I'll be fine. I'll be relieved from all the guessing and wondering.I just don't want to do the wrong thing?

 

I initiated texting yesterday just asking what's up since I haven't heard from him the day before. He said hes been busy visiting family and working. Well he gave an answer which didn't really answer anything. Anyway I expect him to shoot me a text today or tomorrow , otherwise it will be 2 days of NC and it never happened before..

[stillafool]

That's not why im anxious. Im anxious because I don't know what's going on and dont know what's the right thing to do. .

 

"what's going on" with what? and "the right thing to do" about what?

[h0000]

"what's going on" with what? and "the right thing to do" about what?

 

What's going on as in is he checking out? Is he just getting comfortable ? Is he just busy?

 

Right thing to do as in should I initiate? Should I be more patient and observe? Should i not react be cool and just live my life? Should I just stop over analyzing(if I am) or should I say something and not waste my time

Edited May 13, 2019 by h0000

[preraph]

This is your insecurity showing and you're wasting it on a guy you don't even know. STOP. Chill. out. This is how you run people off, being too needy and insecure.

[h0000]

What's a secure person will do?

[Redhead14]

So to answer the above questions, I'm not afraid of losing him. That's not why im anxious. Im anxious because I don't know what's going on and dont know what's the right thing to do. If he tells me he doesn't want to continue anymore, I'll be fine. I'll be relieved from all the guessing and wondering.I just don't want to do the wrong thing?

 

I initiated texting yesterday just asking what's up since I haven't heard from him the day before. He said hes been busy visiting family and working. Well he gave an answer which didn't really answer anything. Anyway I expect him to shoot me a text today or tomorrow , otherwise it will be 2 days of NC and it never happened before..

 

The right thing to do is to stop thinking about this and let him come to you if he's going to. When a person isn't sure about what to do in a situation, it's best to do nothing.

 

It's a matter of maturity and emotion/anxiety management. Stop worrying about this guy and get on with your life. If he reaches out great, if he doesn't, that's fine too. He's not obligated in any way to you. So treat it like that. No big deal either way.

[basil67]

What's a secure person will do?

 

A secure person will remind themselves that dates and having good 1:1 time together is still happening.

[h0000]

It's not realistic to think that things will always be the same every hour, every day, every week, etc. You can't fall apart every time there's a little blip. If it happens one day, ok. If it goes on for a bunch of days, yeah, you might worry a little. Even then, you sit back. You've only been dating this guy for a month. Don't put a strangle hold on him.

 

 

If he's losing interest, you're aren't going to boost his interest by imposing yourself on him. Be receptive, be responsive. Yes, you should start initiating some so that he doesn't feel like he's doing all the work but right now, you're feeling anxious, so let him show you a bit more. One of these days, though, you should invite him somewhere and pay . . . Don't reach out to him because you're anxious. Reach out with "quality".

 

ok I think this is good advice..It always always happens when I start dating someone, they'd always chase me, I'd always respond positively, but then they'd always stop after some good weeks/a month, then I'd start to feel anxious and confused. I'd think "Shouldn't honeymoon phase be longer than just 1 month? He gotta be losing interest rather than getting comfortable"..

I really want to break the pattern ...so, is it me??

[kendahke]

OP, is there a reason why you won't pick up the phone and initiate phone calls/texts with him instead of waiting for him to do it?

[Redhead14]

ok I think this is good advice..It always always happens when I start dating someone, they'd always chase me, I'd always respond positively, but then they'd always stop after some good weeks/a month, then I'd start to feel anxious and confused. I'd think "Shouldn't honeymoon phase be longer than just 1 month? He gotta be losing interest rather than getting comfortable"..

I really want to break the pattern ...so, is it me??

 

Dating is a process of exploration and observation to see if a particular person is going to be right for you. It's not an event -- you meet, you go out, you're committed. It takes a little time. And, the reality is that there will be more people that aren't your cup of tea and vice versa than ones that are a good match or close even. It's just the way it is. The honeymoon phase doesn't start unless and until there is a good, quality connection between two people. That can't really happen in a month. I don't care what people say, there isn't often a case of love at first sight. If you're feeling like it's a honeymoon period that soon, it's just endorphins and excitement of the hope and vision you have for a relationship in general not that particular person usually. Don't get caught up and forecast out into the future with new dates. Be in the moment and paying attention to see if that guy is meeting your early dating needs, is interesting, is listening to you, etc. And, don't be expecting them to behave like a boyfriend or treat a new dating scenario like it's a relationship until it actually is.

 

There's nothing wrong with you and there isn't anything wrong with them. It's just that it wasn't right the right match up period. I will say this though, unbridled anxiety can put a damper on a new dating scenario. Even though you think it's not obvious, whatever, most people can sense when anxiety is just under the surface. It comes across in ways you don't realize sometimes. Learn to relax and let things happen as they will.

Edited May 13, 2019 by Redhead14

[h0000]

OP, is there a reason why you won't pick up the phone and initiate phone calls/texts with him instead of waiting for him to do it?

 

At the early stages it's like me initiating 20 and them 80. So yeah I just prefer guys doing most of the initiating so I gauge their level of interest. I make sure I response positively.

 

After we have established something, i will start to initiate more, like 50/50.

[Redhead14]

At the early stages it's like me initiating 20 and them 80. So yeah I just prefer guys doing most of the initiating so I gauge their level of interest. I make sure I response positively.

 

After we have established something, i will start to initiate more, like 50/50.

 

So, sit this out for just a bit longer and see if he reaches out. If it's fairly soon, then I would suggest that you ask him out for something this time.

[h0000]

Dating is a process of exploration and observation to see if a particular person is going to be right for you.

 

Be in the moment and paying attention to see if that guy is meeting your early dating needs

 

And, don't be expecting them to behave like a boyfriend or treat a new dating scenario like it's a relationship until it actually is.

 

So when guys stop chasing after a month, that's technically not meeting my dating needs. But does it mean they are not the right person, or rather I'm having unrealistic expectations??

 

By chasing, I mean them initiating communication and dates 80% of time, consistently till we establish something more concrete.

[preraph]

Expecting guys to chase you to keep you feeling secure is not good. Because you're expecting them to do it on your anxiety schedule. And if someone has stopped asking you out for say a couple of weeks, then it's time to move on.

[Redhead14]

So when guys stop chasing after a month, that's technically not meeting my dating needs. But does it mean they are not the right person, or rather I'm having unrealistic expectations??

 

By chasing, I mean them initiating communication and dates 80% of time, consistently till we establish something more concrete.

 

 

It's not realistic to expect a guy to be in chase mode forever. That's high-maintenance. At some point, say after 3 or 4 dates, you need to up your initiating level some so that he doesn't feel like he's doing all the work. Sometimes a guy feels like he's doing it all and he drops off because he's not getting enough of a confirmation from the woman. The whole contact in between dates thing cuts both ways. You want 80% from him to feel secure. So on the flip side, if he's only getting 20% from you all the time, he's not feeling that secure about it.

[d0nnivain]

You have shown us you have a pattern. In the beginning you expect an 80 / 20 split to feel secure. After about a month of this the guys you date get sick of your lack of response & fade. Then you get anxious but you refuse to step up & reassure the guy that you like him. Being "positive" when he contacts you is not cutting it. The man wants to see effort from you.

 

Do you understand that you are causing these problems? The dynamic you create does not work. It's time for a change.

 

If you want him to be more responsive whatever you do, DO NOT ask him if he's losing interest. I can't stress enough how much this Q will cause him to bolt.

 

Instead, be brave. Pick up the phone & organize a date for the 2 of you where you pay. You need to get to 50/50 a helluva lot faster then you have been. Try to remember that the guy you are dating is human too; he has his own insecurities & could use a lot more reassurance from you that he's not wasting his time pursuing a lukewarm woman who is only using him until somebody better comes along. Apply the Golden Rule & treat the men you date the way you would like them to treat you. When you stop sitting on your hands, testing them, making them prove they are worthy of you, the men will be warmer & you will finally have the relationship you crave. It will be based on mutual kindness.

[Curiousroxy86]

So when guys stop chasing after a month, that's technically not meeting my dating needs. But does it mean they are not the right person, or rather I'm having unrealistic expectations??

 

By chasing, I mean them initiating communication and dates 80% of time, consistently till we establish something more concrete.

 

well imo it depends on if your multi dating or the type to focus on one at a time to determine how to deal with guys who stop pursuing

 

if your like me and multi date then you just allow guys to initiate contact and ask you out when they want to and you just choose the guy that is being naturally consistent. if one guy is not consistent or he stops being consistent well then it dont matter. live your life and keep dating other men until there is one guy that stands out from the rest who is consistent and remains consistent. simple as that. others will eventually take their own selves out because they stop contacting you, the guy who is being consistent takes up your focus naturally, or you stop responding to a guy because he hit a boundary or no longer interested in pursuing the possibility of a relationship with him.

 

if your the type to focus on one guy at a time before exclusivity (which I dont recommend) well then you would be more sensitive to a guy who stops pursuing. I guess if I was to date one at a time () then I would have specific boundaries. if a suitor stops contacting me for a whole week then I would ignore him and open myself up to someone else. if a suitor doesnt show reasonable consistency after a month of us talking and going out then I would ignore. If he doesnt ask for exclusivity within two-three months I would ignore.

 

if the suitor I ignored wants to know why then you let him know only if he asks "hey Joe im sure your a great guy but I am looking for a guy that calls and asks me out consistently and that doesnt seem to be your thing. No hard feelings hun" and keep it pushing. if he wants another chance then you can (dont have to) give him another shot. if he drop the ball again cut him loose for good.

 

so you have to decide what your boundaries are. try to be more specific. but also keep it reasonable. you want to give guys room and the autonomy to step up, pursue, and choose you but at the end of the day you choose the guy that shows you the consistency your looking for. simple as that.

 

now I know your concern is whether your idea of consistency is being unreasonable or not. me personally bottom line I only say yes to exclusivity to guys who call everyday and ask me out every week if we are talking about bare basics. dont get me wrong he can miss a day or two or a weekend for good reasons but if he is flaky or become flaky in general before exclusivity im not going to stress over him Op. that just mean he more than likely wont be my boyfriend and I will be choosing someone else and/or ignoring him. good luck.

[LoverOfDance]

Smh, i think it's sad that some ppl on this thread are focusing on the fact that you are anxious rather than on what it is that is causing the anxiety. OP, it is ok that you are feeling anxious. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. You don't have to do ANYTHING to keep the right ppl around. For the right ppl to stay, all you have to do is be yourself.

 

I am not a dating expert and neither are the rest of the ppl here. This man does not sound like someone who is interested in something substantial/meaningful with you BUT if you want to date him, go ahead and do so. Stop letting strangers on the internet label you as faulty and "needy". There's nothing wrong with you. Go and live your life. Date this man or don't date him. It will all work out the way it is supposed to regardless.

[Curiousroxy86]

Op do what you want. but I dont agree with everyone else. I dont initate contact unless a guy asks and there has been like two I think that have said hey I would like it if you contact me sometimes. and I did reciprocate with them because they asked. never had a complaint with everyone else. and guys who are consistent remained consistent throughout the early dating stages and to exclusvity. now I will say that I am very responsive and affectionate and flirty. I believe in being open and encouraging. I dont play games. I dont do hard to get and act like I dont care. so I dont buy that the reason guys drop off from contacting you is because you dont initiate contact if you truly are responding positive and returning their affections and showing interest. now of course we only go by what you tell us but I have a feeling there are other things at play as to why guys stop contacting. some may not have anything to do with you and if it does have something to do as far as what could be turning a guy off I would bet its your anxiety showing when they dont text you in a day or few days. could be wrong but thats my story and im sticking to it lol.

[smackie9]

I totally get where you are coming from....things should be amping up not cooling off. It may not be because he losing interest, he could getting lazy knowing he has you and the effort isn't necessary. One on one is great, but it's the in between time you want things to get saucy/sexual build up before the next time you see them.

 

But if the content of the messages are just about their day, and the weather...then I can see it drying up.

[Curiousroxy86]

Smh, i think it's sad that some ppl on this thread are focusing on the fact that you are anxious rather than on what it is that is causing the anxiety.

 

yes Op should choose guys who dont make her anxious....

 

but there is wisdom in not showing her anxiety. anxiety will kill an attraction even if the guy is a great guy. period.

 

its okay to feel what you feel but one should take accountability and manage their feelings so it doesn't effect them negatively or other people

[vla1120]

My daughter gets hung up when she starts "talking" to a guy if he doesn't text her within the amount of time she expects and automatically assumes he's losing interest. When she says something to him about it, that's when she really does get dropped like a hot potato for being too clingy.

 

I'll tell you what I've told her. In my day, we didn't have texting, FB, Instagram, Snapchat, etc., to "measure" the intensity of our relationships (thank God!) I sometimes went days (not hours) without seeing or talking to someone I was "talking to" and yet, the relationship advanced.

 

Personally, I think this "instant gratification" technology-driven environment we live in is doing more harm than good for relationships, especially in the early stages.

 

EDITED TO ADD: All of that being said, I don't know how everyone my daughters' ages are able to navigate relationships in this digital age. It's too hard and they put too much pressure on each other about who texts when, how long to wait between texts, etc.

[Redhead14]

When I text him, our conversation is fine. But when I don't text him, i don't hear from him . . .We have a date tomorrow.

 

 

This excerpt is from her opening post. They had a friggin date scheduled!!! She was antsy about him not texting as much this ONE time in between the next date. And, he was at least responding to her. Maybe he's busy, maybe he's been wanting her to do more. She needs to chillax.