At what point do you give up?

[JuneL]

l can feel another 20 pager coming on

 

Plus another 200 threads.

[elaine567]

All ZA Dater needs is an injection of joie de vivre, a devil may care attitude, a strong and willing woman, and a fair amount of alcohol.

Until he learns to "loosen up", nothing is ever going to happen.

[NuevoYorko]

Only because I realised it's senseless trying to buck the trend so I might as well do to others what is done to me.

 

At least one would hope that you'd have a good understanding of why it's fruitless to date people one is definitely not attracted to - yet, you seem to expect women you think are hot to "buck the trend" and go out with you.

 

Why should they?

[ZA Dater]

People are typically between 5-6' tall.

 

 

A cellphone is about 5 inches x 2".

 

 

Please explain how a person might hide behind a phone and why that makes them impossible to approach?

 

 

 

 

 

Easy because they sit there on their phones constantly. So tell me how you would approach someone like that?

[chillii]

All ZA Dater needs is an injection of joie de vivre, a devil may care attitude, a strong and willing woman, and a fair amount of alcohol.

Until he learns to "loosen up", nothing is ever going to happen.

 

 

l think these were my first tips god knows when way back, the man will not touch a drop.

[some_username1]

Plus another 200 threads.

 

Each containing the phrase “I am giving up”

[some_username1]

...an injection of joie de vivre, a devil may care attitude, a strong and willing woman, and a fair amount of alcohol.

Until he learns to "loosen up", nothing is ever going to happen.

 

Hey that’s my time-honed recipe for the perfect first date- don’t give away all my secrets!

[elaine567]

l think these were my first tips god knows when way back, the man will not touch a drop.

Mine too, but it is worth trying every now and again...

[some_username1]

l think these were my first tips god knows when way back, the man will not touch a drop.

 

Yep, the crux of a ZA Dater thread is a lot of “I won’t” and “she must”. She must compromise because he never will.

 

Another 200 threads later and it will still be the same.

[basil67]

Easy because they sit there on their phones constantly. So tell me how you would approach someone like that?

 

I agree with you ZA. Being on the phone is a great way to send a signal that you don't want to be bothered because you're otherwise occupied.

 

That said, I maintain that cold approaches are really low result for high effort. Better to meet people in social situations.

[littleblackheart]

You need the real life equivalent of LS to hold your hand every step of the way. I say that in the kindest way possible.

 

No new advice will be given here; it's all been said before in different tones and styles and various degrees of patience.

 

Basically, you need a non-virtual support system that will guide you in the flesh.

Edited May 7, 2019 by littleblackheart

[elaine567]

Basically, you need a non-virtual support system that will guide you in the flesh.

 

We have all told him that as well, but coaches and counsellors are all apparently the devil's spawn...

[Normm]

Easy because they sit there on their phones constantly. So tell me how you would approach someone like that?

 

 

Sure, off the top of my head.. I'm in a local Starbucks and I see a hottie sitting there on her phone. I walk up to her and say "excuse me but I couldn't help noticing you are the cutest girl in this place and I bet I can talk about something more interesting than whatever you're reading on your phone, why not give me 5 minutes to prove it. I'll even buy you a cup of your favorite coffee if I lose. Even if I win".

 

 

What's the worst that can happen?

[littleblackheart]

@elaine I don't mean counsellors and therapy; I too have learned my lesson on that front.

 

I really just mean real people in whatever set-up OP feels comfortable with. I don't know what South Africa has to offer in terms of community groups and it feels like as someone on the other side of the planet, I lack a level of cultural awareness.

 

I guess someone from Capetown) would be able to give more personalised advice? I get that the situation may be universal, but maybe not the answer?

[JuneL]

@elaine I don't mean counsellors and therapy; I too have learned my lesson on that front.

 

I really just mean real people in whatever set-up OP feels comfortable with. I don't know what South Africa has to offer in terms of community groups and it feels like as someone on the other side of the planet, I lack a level of cultural awareness.

 

I guess someone from Capetown) would be able to give more personalised advice? I get that the situation may be universal, but maybe not the answer?

 

People have told him to get a dating coach, get a friend to make observations, or get his date to give him honest feedback. Did you not read how he brushed off his date’s honest feedback only a few pages ago?

[littleblackheart]

Yes JuneL, I did read that, and quite a few other threads too. This isn't about the quality of the advice given LS in case you took that personally...

 

All I am saying is that someone who lives in Capetown or has better insight into the cultural/society scene there may help better. Not a dating coach, not a friend, not a date who would give him feedback...

 

A comunity group type of thing who would provide support in the flesh on tap beyond 'dating'. Maybe like a local drama / theatre group?

 

I'm just thinking out loud for OP's benefit, really, like every other poster here.

[JuneL]

Yes JuneL, I did read that, and quite a few other threads too. This isn't about the quality of the advice given LS in case you took that personally...

 

All I am saying is that someone who lives in Capetown or has better insight into the cultural/society scene there may help better. Not a dating coach, not a friend, not a date who would give him feedback...

 

A comunity group type of thing who would provide support in the flesh on tap beyond 'dating'. Maybe like a local drama / theatre group?

 

I'm just thinking out loud for OP's benefit, really, like every other poster here.

 

I don’t think the vast majority would take anything in this thread personally Of course I have no doubt you’re trying to be helpful, like anyone else in this thread. But knowing him well, we’re just trying to tell you how he would reject every single one of our suggestions.

 

The dating coach, his friends, his dates were/would be all from Cape Town and they all have “better insight into the cultural/society scene.”

 

In you mind, how do you think the community group can help him?

[ZA Dater]

Sure, off the top of my head.. I'm in a local Starbucks and I see a hottie sitting there on her phone. I walk up to her and say "excuse me but I couldn't help noticing you are the cutest girl in this place and I bet I can talk about something more interesting than whatever you're reading on your phone, why not give me 5 minutes to prove it. I'll even buy you a cup of your favorite coffee if I lose. Even if I win".

 

 

What's the worst that can happen?

 

 

 

Please have someone film that and put it onto youtube. My guess is if you are a great looking guy this might actually work but for 99.% of people I think total rejection will be the outcome.

 

 

Big respect for guys who do that sort of sales pitch because I certainly cannot.

[ZA Dater]

Yes JuneL, I did read that, and quite a few other threads too. This isn't about the quality of the advice given LS in case you took that personally...

 

All I am saying is that someone who lives in Capetown or has better insight into the cultural/society scene there may help better. Not a dating coach, not a friend, not a date who would give him feedback...

 

A comunity group type of thing who would provide support in the flesh on tap beyond 'dating'. Maybe like a local drama / theatre group?

 

I'm just thinking out loud for OP's benefit, really, like every other poster here.

 

 

 

That's pretty much the direction I am headed, except I am leaning towards creating contrived, largely meaningless dates because fundamentally they will be a sham. At least if I do this there are the following advantages

 

 

1: I have a much better ability to choose who I go on a date with.

2: I wont ever see the person again so what they think of me doesn't matter

3: I'd be forced to try and find some degree of confidence.

 

 

The very large downside of this is that the entire thing will be contrived. The other downside is a very limited value add but maybe the vicarious part of a date like this might offset the very poor value add.

[JuneL]

That's pretty much the direction I am headed, except I am leaning towards creating contrived, largely meaningless dates because fundamentally they will be a sham. At least if I do this there are the following advantages

 

 

1: I have a much better ability to choose who I go on a date with.

2: I wont ever see the person again so what they think of me doesn't matter

3: I'd be forced to try and find some degree of confidence.

 

 

The very large downside of this is that the entire thing will be contrived. The other downside is a very limited value add but maybe the vicarious part of a date like this might offset the very poor value add.

 

Please excuse my lack of reading comprehension, but how is the above related to littleblackheart’s suggestions? Did you join a community group and date girls within the group?

[littleblackheart]

Confidence booster, mainly, and a perspective that does not revolve around 'dating'.

 

My friend leads a local theatre group and was saying that most people would benefit from taking part in these things, particularly people who are (or feel) a little isolated in their lives, because it gives you an instant supportive family. But I don't know whether this is an option in Capetown.

 

This is why someone from SA may give better, more pragmatic solutions to the one-size-fits all stuff we say here (no offence...). I don't personally feel like I know OP well at all beyond what he writes on LS but yes, ultimately it's all up to him. Sure LS is a fairly supportive community, but it's still only virtual.

[JuneL]

Confidence booster, mainly, and a perspective that does not revolve around 'dating'.

 

My friend leads a local theatre group and was saying that most people would benefit from taking part in these things, particularly people who are (or feel) a little isolated in their lives, because it gives you an instant supportive family. But I don't know whether this is an option in Capetown.

 

This is why someone from SA may give better, more pragmatic solutions to the one-size-fits all stuff we say here (no offence...). I don't personally feel like I know OP well at all beyond what he writes on LS but yes, ultimately it's all up to him. Sure LS is a fairly supportive community, but it's still only virtual.

 

I can easily preempt ZA Dater, but I’ll let him respond to you himself

[elaine567]

ZA Dater,

Do you mean paying for dates?

[ZA Dater]

ZA Dater,

Do you mean paying for dates?

 

 

 

I essence yes. At this point its the most often given piece of advice to me so I have started to think about it as an idea to try. Its not an idea I particularly like but when I compare it to yet more people I don't find attractive then it does have some appeal, purely because of the choice aspect of it.

[ZA Dater]

Confidence booster, mainly, and a perspective that does not revolve around 'dating'.

 

My friend leads a local theatre group and was saying that most people would benefit from taking part in these things, particularly people who are (or feel) a little isolated in their lives, because it gives you an instant supportive family. But I don't know whether this is an option in Capetown.

 

This is why someone from SA may give better, more pragmatic solutions to the one-size-fits all stuff we say here (no offence...). I don't personally feel like I know OP well at all beyond what he writes on LS but yes, ultimately it's all up to him. Sure LS is a fairly supportive community, but it's still only virtual.

 

 

 

Interesting you mention this because yes the club I administer has given me a boost of sorts, its not really very useful for dating but it has given me a confidence boost. People ask why I call out dating coaches for profiteering using no science, its because of this one size fits all advice which frankly does not work.