At what point do you give up?

[ZA Dater]

You will eventually realize that in life you don't get what you want, you get what you deserve...

 

FY

 

Then I will have nothing. Because nothing is better than someone I don't find attractive in any way at all.

 

Nobody I know dates people they aren't attracted to.

[thefooloftheyear]

Then I will have nothing. Because nothing is better than someone I don't find attractive in any way at all.

 

Nobody I know dates people they aren't attracted to.

 

 

Great, then quit whining about it and patiently wait for your unicorn...

 

I imagine that they don't...But then realize that they may not have delusions of grandeur when it comes to what they want or find desirable...A lot do...And they waste their best years striking out, only to realize that the more time they waste on this effort, the less of a chance its going to happen, because as people age, if they don't lower their standards, then that unicorn just gets harder and harder to find..

 

If you have been actively searching and haven't been able to find a single woman that meets your standards that is willing to give you a chance, then the answer is very simple...You've set yourself up for what is virtually unattainable...You are fishing for Largemouth Bass in the ocean..If you can't come down from that, then you will forever be in this position...

 

TFY

[Normm]

if they cannot appreciate honesty then so be it.

 

 

There you go again. It's all their fault for whatever reason you want to tag them with. They don't appreciate honesty, they don't like nice guys, they won't date a guy who doesn't drink, they don't give you a chance, they're superficial and shallow, they've got nothing to say, they go for the bad boys, etc.

 

Meanwhile at the end of the day you're still alone and complaining about it.

[JuneL]

There you go again. It's all their fault for whatever reason you want to tag them with. They don't appreciate honesty, they don't like nice guys, they won't date a guy who doesn't drink, they don't give you a chance, they're superficial and shallow, they've got nothing to say, they go for the bad boys, etc.

 

Meanwhile at the end of the day you're still alone and complaining about it.

 

ZA Dater: But if they’re all that, why would you be attracted to them anyway?

[ZA Dater]

ZA Dater: But if they’re all that, why would you be attracted to them anyway?

 

 

 

Never said I agreed with Norm. I don't actually but I do think one needs some sort of intangible quality to make dating work, some sort of intangible level of attraction.

 

 

Look some guys really have this and sometimes I wish I did too, I wish I could go on great dates, learn things, experiment, lean what I like and what and I don't but for me dates are me mostly trying to like someone I am not attracted to.

 

 

A friend of mine dates very attractive ladies, why, he has an amazing gift for charming them and making them laugh, he also has supreme levels of confidence even though he says he hasn't. I cant strike up random conversations but he can.

 

 

So yes I guess I am inherently at a dis advantage because of my personality traits and yes I would like things to work different, so much of what I do outside of dating is trying to do the really difficult, trying to make difficult projects work that maybe I look at dating with the view that ok I can go and be myself and maybe I can get the impossible to work.

 

 

Reality is I am looking at 15 wasted years, my choices get worse and worse to be honest, I regret not having fun in my 20s but I am too shy for that so got rejected a few times, got laughed at when I did try charm people and generally has crap experiences.

 

 

I am looking at ROI here and there just isn't any, I chased people and got nowhere, I went on dates with physically unattractive people, I met extremely attractive people but they never looked at me as a viable date and really why would they? Logic say they wouldn't.

 

 

Am I ever going to find the answer to this, I don't know but I do know single moms and obese people are not the answer to this. Somehow I need to put myself out there more, where I don't know and how I don't know, that's probably the only way to get some sort of contented medium.

[Foxhall]

The Bruce Springsteen song "Better Days" came on the radio while I was driving today,

 

 

an apt song for this thread perhaps.

[JuneL]

“A friend of mine dates very attractive ladies, why, he has an amazing gift for charming them and making them laugh, he also has supreme levels of confidence even though he says he hasn't. I cant strike up random conversations but he can.”

 

That’s the best illustration of your fixed mindset. I urge you to look up the meaning of a growth mindset. Good luck!

[ZA Dater]

Great, then quit whining about it and patiently wait for your unicorn...

 

I imagine that they don't...But then realize that they may not have delusions of grandeur when it comes to what they want or find desirable...A lot do...And they waste their best years striking out, only to realize that the more time they waste on this effort, the less of a chance its going to happen, because as people age, if they don't lower their standards, then that unicorn just gets harder and harder to find..

 

If you have been actively searching and haven't been able to find a single woman that meets your standards that is willing to give you a chance, then the answer is very simple...You've set yourself up for what is virtually unattainable...You are fishing for Largemouth Bass in the ocean..If you can't come down from that, then you will forever be in this position...

 

TFY

 

 

 

I prefer to chase what I want and sure I have never has any success but at least I knew I was chasing what I really liked versus trying to force myself to like someone I do not.

 

 

Actively searching, not really because despite what the internet tells you people don't meet their miss or mr fantastic at a book store or in a shop isle. Nobody can tell me where to search, that's half the problem. Ok so I go to a club, great, I don't drink so that's the end of that, I don't dance so that's the end of that so rule that place out. I go to car shows, no single ladies so rule that out, I go to the office, no single ladies so that's out. People hide behind phones at coffee shops so that's out too.

 

 

You tell me where I should look and PLEASE don't tell me a hiking club full of divorced women or a book club or a meet up event. I accept most people meet people at college or university, I didn't so don't suggest that either. The only option I have really is OLD and that's gets me terrible matches, all I can do is really work out see if that helps and I'd need to carefully rehearse a very set date routine structured around what people what to hear versus who I am really am because heck in 15 years I learnt nobody is actually interested in me at all.

 

 

That all being said even if not one person ever goes out with me again I can at least say I did go out with some I really did think were amazing and I felt really good around them. So overall if I have to suffer the loss at least there were some small wins.

[ZA Dater]

The Bruce Springsteen song "Better Days" came on the radio while I was driving today,

 

 

an apt song for this thread perhaps.

 

 

 

I quite like that song.

[ZA Dater]

“A friend of mine dates very attractive ladies, why, he has an amazing gift for charming them and making them laugh, he also has supreme levels of confidence even though he says he hasn't. I cant strike up random conversations but he can.”

 

That’s the best illustration of your fixed mindset. I urge you to look up the meaning of a growth mindset. Good luck!

 

 

If I did not have that I would not be able to work at all. So no, I don't lack that, I do lack anything vaguely resembling charm! He can sell anything to anyone, using charm, laughter, fun and people have fun around him so its not hard to see why he is successful.

 

 

But you know what Wednesday will be another birthday spent on my own wishing I had someone "wow" around but maybe the reality is I cant have that, maybe I can only have average but I wont ever accept that probably because I relish adversity because it gives me something to challenge.

 

 

I can believe I can have wow though, don't think I will stop believing that ever.

[littleblackheart]

What's a 'wow' person?

[JuneL]

If I did not have that I would not be able to work at all. So no, I don't lack that, I do lack anything vaguely resembling charm! He can sell anything to anyone, using charm, laughter, fun and people have fun around him so its not hard to see why he is successful.

 

 

But you know what Wednesday will be another birthday spent on my own wishing I had someone "wow" around but maybe the reality is I cant have that, maybe I can only have average but I wont ever accept that probably because I relish adversity because it gives me something to challenge.

 

 

I can believe I can have wow though, don't think I will stop believing that ever.

 

One can have a growth mindset in one area and a fixed mindset in another. What’s stopping you from becoming someone with charm, laughter and fun with some hard work?

[ZA Dater]

One can have a growth mindset in one area and a fixed mindset in another. What’s stopping you from becoming someone with charm, laughter and fun with some hard work?

 

 

 

Hard work at what exactly. I am always going to be the straight talking to the point person.

[MeadowFlower]

Why don't you ditch the idea of dating someone who you find attractive. Also ditch formal dating. Instead, the next single woman you find interesting in some way, or just something about her makes you want to get to know her or spend time with her, or you have a common interest, then hang out with her. Do things, talk.

 

Don't date so much as get a friend. Might get jumped on for this idea. But try it. Forget the attraction thing, to start with.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Normm]

The Bruce Springsteen song "Better Days" came on the radio while I was driving today,

 

an apt song for this thread perhaps.

 

 

I was listening to Tom Petty stringing it to "Even the Losers [get lucky sometimes]".

[chillii]

l dunno why you keep bangin on about obese single mums, you've at least tried some suggestions lately that we give and looked further a field , met some of what you did really like, like the swede, the yoga chick , few others just this year alone if l'm not mistaken.

Ok , they didn't like you back in that way , ok, it happens, but you did meet them and you got to go out with them.

You can still take a lot of positive from that, it shows you they are out there and you can get a chance with them, that's a big thing.

The next one or the next , but sooner or later one will like you back. Everyone, male or female, just read LS, has to deal that stuff before they meet someone right.

Edited May 5, 2019 by chillii

[healing light]

But Gisele did!

 

 

Haven't caught up on this thread yet, but I have always thought Tom Brady settled with Giselle, not the other way around.

 

 

 

 

How are you in the presence of the women that do it for you? Do you laugh freely? I've been told by several people in real life that I'm the funniest person they know. I can have a whole room laughing. I don't expect men I date to be funny (it's nice when they are), but I do want them to be able to laugh at my jokes or appreciate a sense of humor so I feel free to be myself.

 

I like cerebral men, sometimes ones that are a bit on the nerdy or quiet side. There are some people that make me feel like I have to tiptoe around or shelve that part of myself....or just something about our collective energy isn't conducive to bringing out that part of me, if that makes sense.

 

I knew two men who rivaled me in terms of humor and they absolutely hated not being the center of attention when they weren't the funniest in the room at any given time. One of them went on to marry one of the most polite but also most boring people I know. I feel like part of her appeal to him was that she allowed him to shine and he always had a captive audience in her. So I don't think wanting someone with a sense of humor means they will never be attracted to a wallflower, but you have to be able to laugh.

 

 

 

 

What I think is going to be a bigger issue is if you don't cultivate interests, don't feel comfortable in your own skin, exude a sense of bitterness, don't have good hygiene, and/or shoot for women that look like supermodels if you're an average joe without a stellar personality. I have to say, it is true that hair styles can make a big difference on some people, so I would experiment with your style. I tend to associate slicked back hair with the mob, haha, but that's just me.

 

 

 

 

I know one man who is a bit socially awkward, north of 400-500 lbs, that laments about no woman wanting him. I also suspect from his postings on social media that he's a 35-year-old virgin. I admire how he continually puts himself out there, but he also will only go for women that look like cheerleaders that really have their **** together. It has always been this way since I've known him from high school. I don't hold out a lot of hope for him if he doesn't change his expectations, unfortunately.

 

I had another friend that was similar to this description except he was even more socially awkward, a pessimist, and had a Seth Rogen physique. His face was average and he had nice eyes, so I knew he could get someone who appreciated him if he put himself out there. He held an unhealthy obsession with me for over a decade regardless of interest from other women that were more evenly matched in terms of hobbies, appearance, etc. One of them seemed really sweet, really into him, and they looked like they would make a cute couple together. Very evenly matched, imo. I asked him why he wouldn't go for her and he honestly made "yuck" noises and told me how he was repulsed by her face

 

When I was finally able to convince him it was never going to happen between us, he gave in and started dating other women that were more his match in terms of personality, interests, appearance, etc. He is now very happily married to a woman that looks like she could be his sister--yes, she's a bit overweight and not a model lookalike. Plenty of people are attracted to a variety of bodies, so I'm not knocking her, but I'm sure based on the comments he used to make that she doesn't fit his idealized vision of a woman that he had in mind.

 

That being said, she makes him much happier than I ever could and I think she's perfect for him...she shares his guitar hero obsession, is fully incorporated into his gaming hobbies and circle of friends, loves all the same crappy food, is quirky in a similar way, and I can tell they just feel really free to be themselves around each other and enjoy each other's company more fully than I ever enjoyed his. He's no longer an untouched virgin; I have no doubt if he didn't adjust his expectations and stop rejecting women that were otherwise quite suitable for him that he would still be lonely. I'm sure he would have rejected her previously.

 

 

 

 

I know this is frustrating and probably not what you want to hear, but if you even have an inkling of attraction or spark for a woman, or some features of hers do it for you--I would concentrate on trying to build off that and work on all the other things that are in your control until you start dating again. Not everyone is going to end up with a 10/10. Hands down, though, your personal vibe and personality are going to affect what is available to you. If you don't think you are interesting or have much to offer, start cultivating hobbies or interests that fill you with life. You might have a better chance of meeting someone organically that way, too, that will overlook any perceived shortcomings that you feel about your lack of experience because she will already know you as a person.

 

Your lack of experience in part is only as big of an issue as you make it--and trust me, I understand on that front, having been an older virgin myself (I didn't date at all during my 20s for circumstantial health reasons and though I had plenty of opportunities with men who weren't quite right and have never had a shortage of men liking me, I wanted to wait until I was mutually in love with someone). The day after I had sex, I realized I was still the exact same person who offered the exact same things that I did previously and the sense of stigma and all the judgment I had internalized seemed really silly in retrospect.

 

I have to say, though, I had a similar predicament with being able to attract lots of men except the one I wanted. I spent a lot of time in my 20s working on my imprinting in childhood relating to my father's emotional unavailability and my self-worth, etc. I do think people subconsciously sabotage themselves when they find themselves in these types of situations and this angle is worth exploring further, as well.

[snowcones]

Haven't caught up on this thread yet, but I have always thought Tom Brady settled with Giselle, not the other way around.

 

 

They are one of the most adorable celebrity couples ever. I love them together. Them and newlyweds Justin Beiber and Hailey Baldwin, but they are so new and need to pass the test of time first.

[Veronica73]

*shakes head*

 

People must have much more patience than I do. To keep giving you helpful advice which you completely disregard.

 

If you come across in anyway in real life, like the way you come across here, I can completely see why you are having trouble dating and have never been kissed. I shouldn’t even look at your threads anymore, but I see one and think, “Oh, something must have changed.”

 

NOPE. Not at all. Reading your posts is like getting blasted with extreme shallowness and judgement of other people, but at the same time being sucked into a pit of dark, depressing quicksand. And hopefully that’s just me. But I think you probably should either give up on dating, or buy a mail order bride. And get some damn therapy. But if I remember correctly, therapy has been discussed before and you shot that down.

 

Your problem isn’t lack of charm.

Edited May 6, 2019 by Veronica73

[ZA Dater]

How are you in the presence of the women that do it for you? Do you laugh freely? I've been told by several people in real life that I'm the funniest person they know. I can have a whole room laughing. I don't expect men I date to be funny (it's nice when they are), but I do want them to be able to laugh at my jokes or appreciate a sense of humor so I feel free to be myself.

 

 

 

The problem with me is it take me a long time to be comfortable around people I don't know. Also the reserved type of person does not really bring me out, whereas a bubbly outgoing person does, simply because I have to step up there because I find those personality types quite attractive.

 

 

Probably the closest I got to actually "dating" was with a yoga instructor, while its true I was paying for lessons there was quite a big social aspect to it too and we did a few lunches, went to a party, danced with her and it was just nice to feel I had some sort of value. Ultimately though she was chasing another guy so I got friend zoned quite heavily at the end of it.

 

 

I don't have much of a sense of humour to the point where I actually don't enjoy comedies that much, I do have a dry sense of humour though which some get and others miss completely. Sure, I can get some ladies to laugh but its hardly consistent.

[Mike800]

I know this is frustrating and probably not what you want to hear, but if you even have an inkling of attraction or spark for a woman, or some features of hers do it for you--I would concentrate on trying to build off that and work on all the other things that are in your control until you start dating again. Not everyone is going to end up with a 10/10. Hands down, though, your personal vibe and personality are going to affect what is available to you. If you don't think you are interesting or have much to offer, start cultivating hobbies or interests that fill you with life. You might have a better chance of meeting someone organically that way, too, that will overlook any perceived shortcomings that you feel about your lack of experience because she will already know you as a person.

 

Your lack of experience in part is only as big of an issue as you make it--and trust me, I understand on that front, having been an older virgin myself (I didn't date at all during my 20s for circumstantial health reasons and though I had plenty of opportunities with men who weren't quite right and have never had a shortage of men liking me, I wanted to wait until I was mutually in love with someone). The day after I had sex, I realized I was still the exact same person who offered the exact same things that I did previously and the sense of stigma and all the judgment I had internalized seemed really silly in retrospect.

 

Good points.The only thing I disagree with is that people should only go for or be with their exact physical equivalents. Makes it sound like that’s the only important thing. And that if you’re better lookin then you’re automatically above that person and have more value.

Edited May 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[ZA Dater]

Decided on an alternative approach to this. Before I can do that I need to bulk up a bit. Indeed there is another way of doing this which I hadn't seriously considered but its worth considering now because the playing field relies more on economics than charm.

 

 

Maybe in some respect this idea better actually fits what I am looking for in terms of an overall experience, even if it is contrived, in this respect maybe I need to look past how contrived it will be.

[Normm]

People hide behind phones at coffee shops so that's out too.

 

 

People are typically between 5-6' tall.

 

 

A cellphone is about 5 inches x 2".

 

 

Please explain how a person might hide behind a phone and why that makes them impossible to approach?

[MeadowFlower]

People are typically between 5-6' tall.

 

 

A cellphone is about 5 inches x 2".

 

 

Please explain how a person might hide behind a phone and why that makes them impossible to approach?

 

 

(Ten characters)

[chillii]

l can feel another 20 pager coming on