He doesn't want me there on his Bday

[MindYourBusiness]

Who knows? Maybe he doesn't want to show up dateless.

 

He's not an idiot. Any person with half a brain and basic manners knows not to ignore their date.

 

I think you can do much better than this. It's better to go alone than go with a guy who essentially ignores you!

 

It’s so painful to realize how attached I got. After our last argument 3 weeks ago he told me he sees a future with me, wants to be with me and that I shouldn’t listen to common friends that we have who said that he seems less invested. I am so confused it’s so painful I can’t do this BS anymore...

[Ruby Slippers]

Most of us have been there - gotten attached to someone who didn't feel as strongly about us. Cut your losses now instead of wasting more time. Youth is a major asset in romance for a woman. Don't waste your time on a time waster.

[Michelle ma Belle]

There is a serious epidemic of women who are lowering their standards out of fear they'll be left behind to die alone.

 

This guy has made it clear that you're not worth putting a label on so why are you even thinking of trying to salvage your 'relationship' with him?

 

Save your dignity and move on already.

 

Find someone who can't wait to put a label on what you have together and is proud to prance you around as his woman.

[kendahke]

It’s so painful to realize how attached I got. After our last argument 3 weeks ago he told me he sees a future with me, wants to be with me and that I shouldn’t listen to common friends that we have who said that he seems less invested. I am so confused it’s so painful I can’t do this BS anymore...

 

All nefarious people say that you shouldn't listen to the people who love you who can see through them and their BS. It won't do for you to be woke because he can't pull his games over on you when you know what's up.

 

He knows exactly what to say to you to lull you back into a stupor so that he can go back to acting exactly as he's always been acting: like a guy who's only here for the convenience of easy sex. Of course he's going to tell you he sees a future with you--what he doesn't tell you is that there's going to be a whole lot of soul crushing on your part in order for you to be able to stand yourself while in a relationship with him. Oh, and he's not going to change one iota from how he's proceeding now.

 

Can you look at yourself in the mirror and still like the person you have to become in order to have this guy in your life?

[stillafool]

Honestly I don't understand why you haven't walked away from this guy already. He treats you terrible. He didn't even want you at his birthday party. You went anyway and he ignored you. Now you're allowing him to treat you like dirt again yet you still want him. He's told you that you two are not in a relationship. Believe him and move on.

[stillafool]

There is a serious epidemic of women who are lowering their standards out of fear they'll be left behind to die alone.

 

This guy has made it clear that you're not worth putting a label on so why are you even thinking of trying to salvage your 'relationship' with him?

 

Save your dignity and move on already.

 

Find someone who can't wait to put a label on what you have together and is proud to prance you around as his woman.

 

I agree. It's incredible what women are putting up with just to have a man in their life. Is it worth it?

[stillafool]

It’s so painful to realize how attached I got. After our last argument 3 weeks ago he told me he sees a future with me, wants to be with me and that I shouldn’t listen to common friends that we have who said that he seems less invested. I am so confused it’s so painful I can’t do this BS anymore...

 

There's nothing to be confused about because he told you with his own mouth that you guys "are not in a relationship" so act accordingly.

[Ruby Slippers]

I agree. It's incredible what women are putting up with just to have a man in their life. Is it worth it?

And the sad thing is that men adjust to whatever bar women set, in general. So the very low bar that a lot of women set these days makes men lazy and uninspired, and women dissatisfied.

[frus69]

I feel people here are jumping to conclusion too soon by saying "hes a jerk". We are missing a lot of info here..

 

Normally couples spend their Bday together so even if he didnt know his GF had a secret birthday party planned,he should still be spending the BDay with her. But he had a boy's night out instead? It's not usual. So I think some details are missing here.

 

 

Then the big fight. If the guy innocently went out with his mate because he didnt know about his GF's party, it really isnt his fault. She could just spend time with him some other time, no big deal. Why was there a big fight over it?? So big to the point that they need space? Are we sure there arent other issues involved in this fight?

[Versacehottie]

Agreed that we are missing a lot of info here. This situation doesn't happen in a bubble--no way it's it just one person's doing. I think a lot of what the OP is doing if FAR more hopeful than this guy is promising. I have doubts that he's actually a bf or a real dating relationship at all and that she is making things out to be much more than they are. That takes two people.

[Versacehottie]

It’s so painful to realize how attached I got. After our last argument 3 weeks ago he told me he sees a future with me, wants to be with me and that I shouldn’t listen to common friends that we have who said that he seems less invested. I am so confused it’s so painful I can’t do this BS anymore...

 

Then don't....

[MindYourBusiness]

Of course there is a lot more to it than I initially described. It all comes down to me feeling anxious non stop because of the way he behaves. That leads me

To have breakdowns in situations that are not even connected to the initial problem. I just feel like I should get more attention and support and affection after 4 month of dating. I am used to guys showing me off and being proud to be with me.. he doesn’t seem to be proud at all.

It is very irritating and confusing to get mixed signals to the point where he himself calls this a relationship, let’s me meet all his friends, hangs out 5 times a week and then says the next week he’s not ready. I feel lost and confused. I know I shouldn’t because he made his point very clear last Saturday.

[hippychick3]

Of course there is a lot more to it than I initially described. It all comes down to me feeling anxious non stop because of the way he behaves. That leads me

To have breakdowns in situations that are not even connected to the initial problem. I just feel like I should get more attention and support and affection after 4 month of dating. I am used to guys showing me off and being proud to be with me.. he doesn’t seem to be proud at all.

It is very irritating and confusing to get mixed signals to the point where he himself calls this a relationship, let’s me meet all his friends, hangs out 5 times a week and then says the next week he’s not ready. I feel lost and confused. I know I shouldn’t because he made his point very clear last Saturday.

 

You are a grown adult who is capable of making decisions in your own best interest. If you learned to love yourself, you would now allow yourself to be put in this situation. You get to choose whether or not to put up with this wishy washy behavior. No one who has self-respect and love would tolerate this. They would walk away yesterday and move on. He is NOT invested in you, and that will not change. Find someone who is.

[Versacehottie]

while i still believe you are more hopeful about the situation as it actually is, you are in a position where you are clearly finding out how HE values a relationship with you and demonstrates it vs the way you do.

 

Why do you act like you don't have a CHOICE in this matter? You do. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. 4 months is not a long time at all though enough time to learn about what a person is about and your compatibility. Consider it the research phase. I think continuing when you are confused, conflicted and tortured becomes your choice and responsibility if you continue to do it. Why would you give your power of choice over to someone else? Ultimately doing so, you victimize yourself and may be why you are getting pushback from some people on this thread. At a certain point, you are doing this to yourself. Stop hoping he will behave differently, holding on for dear life etc. I think you are fooling yourself if you think it's going to get better as time goes on.

[preraph]

He sometimes says the right thing, but just like him saying you weren't in a relationship, he doesn't mean what he said the first time, so he doesn't mean it. He is saying whatever to keep you involved, probably just for sex.

 

If he does think this is how a relationship works (which he has said you are not in with him) then he had really bad nasty role models for parents and probably one who took the abuse and stuck it out and thinks that's normal. So chew on that for awhile. Because if that's the case, he's oblivious and will NEVER be anything but a problem.

[kendahke]

Of course there is a lot more to it than I initially described. It all comes down to me feeling anxious non stop because of the way he behaves. That leads me

To have breakdowns in situations that are not even connected to the initial problem. I just feel like I should get more attention and support and affection after 4 month of dating. I am used to guys showing me off and being proud to be with me.. he doesn’t seem to be proud at all.

It is very irritating and confusing to get mixed signals to the point where he himself calls this a relationship, let’s me meet all his friends, hangs out 5 times a week and then says the next week he’s not ready. I feel lost and confused. I know I shouldn’t because he made his point very clear last Saturday.

 

You are at the point where weak foundation relationships fail. That's just what this is. It didn't have what it needed to go the distance. No matter how much you try to twist yourself into an unrecognizable knot, it won't eradicate the truth that this guy isn't the guy for you and all this twisting is a waste of your youth.

 

It takes more than just you wanting this--it takes him wanting it as much as you do and he just doesn't. There is no need to be confused on that tip any longer--he doesn't feel for you what you wished he would and he can't be brought there by you--so you need to just let this all go. Cry it out of your system, work it out of your system at the gym, drink it out of your system, screw it out of your system--whatever you need to do to get over him, you need to get on that.

[preraph]

He's not who you hoped he was and he's past the point of pretending to impress you.

[The Outlaw]

The guys night out could have been planned beforehand, but that's still not an excuse for him to act the way he did. See where it goes from here and if it doesn't work out, find someone else who will appreciate the gesture. I get that you like him and want to do things for him, but as I've learned, it's just best to not get too attached unless you're sure of where the relationship is headed. If it doesn't work out, it's just going to be harder on you.

[frus69]

It all comes down to me feeling anxious non stop because of the way he behaves. That leads me

To have breakdowns in situations that are not even connected to the initial problem.

 

How exactly did he behave in these 4 months? Without example I dont think we can say it's def him not behaving well. It could be you having unrealistic expectations.

 

I just feel like I should get more attention and support and affection after 4 month of dating. I am used to guys showing me off and being proud to be with me.. he doesn’t seem to be proud at all.

ok how much attention are we talking about here..How much showing off do you need here.. again Im wonderin if it's him not giving you enough or you asking for too much (validation)

 

It is very irritating and confusing to get mixed signals to the point where he himself calls this a relationship, let’s me meet all his friends, hangs out 5 times a week and then says the next week he’s not ready. I feel lost and confused. .

 

If him seeing you 5 times a week is still " not giving you enough attention" Im inclined to say maybe you have a problem here..

Also, does he really want to see you 5 times a week (cuz that's a lot, I dont think I would want to see anyone that much)or did you somehow pressure him into this. If this is the case I can see why he says hes not ready later on..

[elaine567]

The problem is not the 5x a week dating for the past 4 months, it is the fact that after that level of "interest", he has just told the OP he is not in a relationship with her and he is not "ready" due to his ex.

 

He led her to believe it was more serious in one breath but in the next they are "casual", he hides her away and he openly flirts with other women in front of her.

 

Truth is he is just out of a LTR and is obviously not ready to date anyone.

I guess he likes the regular sex and the closeness the OP provides, but he is still looking around for a better model...

[some_username1]

while i still believe you are more hopeful about the situation as it actually is, you are in a position where you are clearly finding out how HE values a relationship with you and demonstrates it vs the way you do.

 

Why do you act like you don't have a CHOICE in this matter? You do. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. 4 months is not a long time at all though enough time to learn about what a person is about and your compatibility. Consider it the research phase. I think continuing when you are confused, conflicted and tortured becomes your choice and responsibility if you continue to do it. Why would you give your power of choice over to someone else? Ultimately doing so, you victimize yourself and may be why you are getting pushback from some people on this thread. At a certain point, you are doing this to yourself. Stop hoping he will behave differently, holding on for dear life etc. I think you are fooling yourself if you think it's going to get better as time goes on.

 

This is good advice but sounds like too much rational thinking and self awareness than most people are capable of.

 

If I were to put my pop-psychologist's hat on I would note with interest that OP made a point of saying how other guys were proud to show her off, I suspect she took that sort of attention for granted and didn't value it because it came so easily, without any work on her part. This guy is depriving her of the same status, ergo he is worth more than her. If she can get him to put her on the pedestal then the pay off will be a massive boost to her own self worth and she is now determined to work her butt off to get that from him. It's a classic situation we see all the time, especially in young women who lack the awareness to realise how the subconscious value we place on things in our environment sabotages things for us.

 

tl;dr: OP's situation is like what that Marx fella said about not wanting to be a part of a club that would have him...

[elaine567]

Both were in long term relationships with other people, both experienced a break up, and both then "found" each other.

I guess the OP has merely tried to slot this guy into the position her ex occupied. She organised a surprise birthday party as that is what LTR people do for each other and most love it.

BUT this guy didn't like it, he wanted to go on a boy's night out, chasing tail. The next incident showed she was all for spending the night mingling as a couple whereas he tried to deny her existence and spent the time chatting girls up, again chasing tail...

 

They may both have come from LTRs but they are miles apart in the stage they are at.

The OP wants to recreate that lovely coupley, LTR experience with this guy, whereas he wants to still explore his options...

[Versacehottie]

This is good advice but sounds like too much rational thinking and self awareness than most people are capable of.

 

.

 

Haha, totally agree. I may be the one who is being too hopeful here with hoping the OP is capable of taking advice such as mine I guess it's part rational thinking, part tough love. Considering OP is worried about him showing her off, when he doesn't even consider himself in a relationship with her, rational thinking might not be a strong suit!

 

My real guess about part of what is going on with the OP is that guy does like her some but prefers some time and space to let it develop and she can't hold her horses at all. Clingy and needy AF--in which it's not giving him a chance to see how or if he really likes her and he gets annoyed and pushes her away when she is "too much". Using how much a guy shows you off to others as a measurement of how much he likes you kinda points to what she values, i.e. potential self-absorption, need for validation, little desperate pit there and that kind of stuff tends to drive people away even when they have some level of genuine interest. Gonna guess her guy is confused too (and that all this comes out when she starts arguments with him rather than just leave--which there is far more power in that).

[MindYourBusiness]

Haha, totally agree. I may be the one who is being too hopeful here with hoping the OP is capable of taking advice such as mine I guess it's part rational thinking, part tough love. Considering OP is worried about him showing her off, when he doesn't even consider himself in a relationship with her, rational thinking might not be a strong suit!

 

My real guess about part of what is going on with the OP is that guy does like her some but prefers some time and space to let it develop and she can't hold her horses at all. Clingy and needy AF--in which it's not giving him a chance to see how or if he really likes her and he gets annoyed and pushes her away when she is "too much". Using how much a guy shows you off to others as a measurement of how much he likes you kinda points to what she values, i.e. potential self-absorption, need for validation, little desperate pit there and that kind of stuff tends to drive people away even when they have some level of genuine interest. Gonna guess her guy is confused too (and that all this comes out when she starts arguments with him rather than just leave--which there is far more power in that).

 

When someone invites me to an event and is gone for 95% of the time without introducing me to anyone, is that rally on me? I am not crazy, I am not asking for too much here. That's just disrespectful and has nothing to do with validation.

 

I left him now because I found out he hooked up with someone after I left the event and also has been talking to a third girl for a few weeks. Guess my intuition was spot on, I was just in denial.

[MindYourBusiness]

The problem is not the 5x a week dating for the past 4 months, it is the fact that after that level of "interest", he has just told the OP he is not in a relationship with her and he is not "ready" due to his ex.

 

He led her to believe it was more serious in one breath but in the next they are "casual", he hides her away and he openly flirts with other women in front of her.

 

Truth is he is just out of a LTR and is obviously not ready to date anyone.

I guess he likes the regular sex and the closeness the OP provides, but he is still looking around for a better model...

 

 

Exactly . It was his idea to meet so often ( probably because it was convenient for him). He did me wrong when he lied to me about his intentions. I specially asked and he lied.