dispatch3d Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 thanks for your response. I need to get my emotions under control. I have always been a cryer but I understand how that can make communication harder. His roommate was supposed to keep him from making other plans but it did not work out so I got really upset and hurt and blamed it on my man. We have talked about this becoming something more serious and he has mentioned several times that its more than just sex. However, we both just got out of pretty long relationships at the beginning of this year and we discussed to just take it slow. Ive always been ok with that because it progressively developed into something more serious, but this fight got me wondering if I am really ok if this not having a label. It makes me more anxious if that makes sense? From what your saying here it sounds like you are emotionally invested to the point of being official while not actually being official. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 The details are a bit confusing but it seems to me that both he and she are to blame for this epic argument - it just didn't need to happen. Of all the stresses that can come into a relationship, a botched Birthday truly need not result in this much drama. Sense of humor folks...sense of humor! Roll with it now, you can do it! OP, for relationships to last both parties need to keep things in perspective, learn to diffuse situations before they get out of control, and be empathetic to the other person's perspective. You could have been more understanding about his own plans for his own Bday and he could have been much more appreciative and sensitive that you took the thought and planning to surprise him. Neither of you gave this consideration to each other that I can see. You say he 'made' you feel hurt, he says he overreacts because of a past relationship...for the love of Pete, stop blaming other people for how both of you feel. We all have very different emotional reactions to the same events. You would like to know how to fix it? Well, both of you have to learn how to manage conflict better. These epic battles are counterproductive and totally unnecessary. This conflict has more to do with both of your own inner demons than anything else. Learn how to communicate in healthy, productive ways without all the drama. Hope that helps answer your main question...best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 I have seen a lot of people plan some kind of a surprise party for someone, and it ends up in a disaster like you said. How long have you been with this guy? It's only acceptable if you have been with someone for a long time, not six weeks. But I digress ... Since he acted the way he did with you, I think you have seen his true colors, and they aren't pretty ones. You like this guy? I'm sure you do, but there will be someone better someday. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 I know 100% he is not seeing anyone else. When I showed up at the party there was actually only guys like he said. Just because he is not seeing anyone else, does not mean he wants to date you or make you his girlfriend. That would presume he wants a girlfriend and finds enough compelling about you to pursue that with you. His actions with you say that he would rather be single than with you. Sorry if that's harsh. At the point that you are showing up at his birthday party basically uninvited though he is supposedly your bf, it's time for harsh, tough love. You've got to think better of yourself. Chasing after someone is not how you get what you want and need. Sounds like the night that got "intense" was too much drama for him additionally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 Just because he is not seeing anyone else, does not mean he wants to date you or make you his girlfriend. That would presume he wants a girlfriend and finds enough compelling about you to pursue that with you. His actions with you say that he would rather be single than with you. Sorry if that's harsh. At the point that you are showing up at his birthday party basically uninvited though he is supposedly your bf, it's time for harsh, tough love. You've got to think better of yourself. Chasing after someone is not how you get what you want and need. I agree with the above. He doesn't need to be seeing anyone else to not be all that invested in you, OP. It does appear you are more attached than he is, at this point. I would personally not have showed up at his party after that, simply because he had made it clear that your presence wasn't really welcome. His distant behaviour at the event confirmed that. Having said that, I also would not have tried to plan a surprise party for a guy I am not in a relationship with. Too much, too soon. I don't think he is in any place to date someone seriously, OP. He is having fun, yes, but it appears you are on two very different pages about your situation together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 I'm female and have just read this entire thread. To be honest I don't understand why everyone is so down on this guy. For starters planning a surprise party for someone you've been seeing for 3 months is overkill, if someone did it for me it would be torture! Why all the drama when you found out he wanted a boys night? Oh I can understand the disappointment but to me a surprise party is often more about the kudos of the person giving it rather than any enjoyment of the person receiving it. Why not let the guy have his fun and arrange a nice romantic dinner for the two of you to celebrate privately? Instead the poor guy didn't even get to celebrate his birthday on his birthday! Then you turn up to an all male event - why? To check he wasn't looking for your replacement? This man had requested space and you couldn't even give him that. I doubt he could even relax and enjoy his evening. Finally you say you have always been a crier, I wonder if you have subconsciously learned to use it as a manipulation tool. I'm not saying you do this but I personally know women who do. I don't know if you have any other threads about this guy, my observations are based on this one thread. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 23, 2019 Share Posted April 23, 2019 OP, just realised my response could be read as kinda harsh, honestly didn't mean it to be, just think it was a case of you trying too hard to soon then emotions getting involved the discussion leading to arguments. You really don't know each other week enough yet to be planning surprises, he may be the type of person who detests them with a passion - hopefully you'll find out time (if you decide to stay). Link to post Share on other sites
shydad Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 I am just very confused since everyone here seems to advise me to dumb him. I advised communication. I really like your responses, Lenila1992. You've got a good head on your shoulders, and I think you will be able to reason through this. Try to plan serious talks well after you and your partner are upset, and I think you will do well. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 We have talked about this becoming something more serious and he has mentioned several times that its more than just sex. However, we both just got out of pretty long relationships at the beginning of this year and we discussed to just take it slow. Ive always been ok with that because it progressively developed into something more serious, but this fight got me wondering if I am really ok if this not having a label. It makes me more anxious if that makes sense? You are basically dating casually with no label, but you are assuming too much. You are slotting him into the space your previous LT partner filled. I feel people who are long term relationship focused should never agree to "taking it slow", "casual" or "let's not put a label on it", as they are often disappointed when things do not go as planned. Plenty people are happy with no label and are not looking to progress anything. You may feel things developed into something "more serious", but by the way things went down around the birthday then I guess that was not the way he was/is looking at things. You are far too invested here. You say you both come out of long term relationships recently, are you dumpers or dumpees? Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted April 24, 2019 Share Posted April 24, 2019 OP, you are overstepping boundaries. The two of you are not a couple and you are treating it and expecting him to treat it like an official relationship and it isn't. You are not his girlfriend and you are putting too much effort into it. If I were you, I'd back off -- way off. Showing up at the party already puts you in the stalker category. You are working toward the title of "bunny boiler". If you walk away now, you can say you were just a little slow on the uptake . . . Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 Hi, I posted here a few weeks ago about a huge fight I had with the guy I was dating. After that fight everything seemed okay and we had a long talk and he said that he needs me to know that he’s emotionally invested too and that it’s not just hooking up. He also calls me his girl in front of others, invites me to go to events with him etc. Long story short: we went to an event Saturday and I got really upset because he didn’t introduce me to anyone and spent 95% of the time away from me ( not even inviting me to join the conversation or anything). I called him out on it and said i don’t feel comfortable especially because he hung out with a lot of women. He got angry and said “ well we are not in a relationship” so I again expressed that I don’t think it’s healthy to be dating for four month and seeing each other 5 times a week but not putting a label on this relationship. He ended up saying he is not ready and referee to his ex girlfriend ( said he doesn’t want to spend all day on the phone etc. I am not like that!!). I said I need space to think about stuff because this situation gives me more anxiety than happiness. I haven’t heard from him after I went home and left the event. How should I handle things? Should I stay and try to work things out with him or run? Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 I would leave. Its always been my experience that whenever a guy makes excuses because of an ex or other things, he isn't interested in me. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 All that time together yet that's his attitude , and it's not even a relationship, l'm gob smacked . lf it's not a relationship , what have you even been doing together all that time, not that l'm asking it doesn't matter, just sayin. Anyway your really not doing yourself any justice at all wasting your time with someone like this , unless you just want some casual nothing thing. Really , get rid of him , and it'll serve him right as even though he'll probably still moan when you do, he's just not into you enough to bother sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 How should I handle things? Should I stay and try to work things out with him or run? You should handle things by realizing that he means more to you then you do to him. He has poor manners & he is not making you a priority. A man in love would be showing you off, announcing to the world how lucky he is that you agreed to date him. He ignored you. There is nothing to work out. All you can do accept the scraps that he throws your way, carry on for another 4 months like this until he finds somebody else who is actually wants to date or you can take your dignity & walk away. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 ...I don’t think it’s healthy to be dating for four month and seeing each other 5 times a week but not putting a label on this relationship. What you think is immaterial, he is perfectly content not putting a label on it. Without his agreement that you are "in a relationship", you are NOT in a relationship. He made that plain the last time you posted, and he has underlined it again now. You either accept that this is a "casual" arrangement and he can chat up or see anyone he likes, or you walk. You cannot tell him what to do, he has to decide for himself whether he wants to be in a relationship with you or not, and it is pretty obvious he doesn't want that. BTW never get involved with people fresh out of LTRs, you will get hurt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Between the birthday party & this . . . .you are invested. He doesn't give a flying fig about you. How many different ways does he have to tell you that he's does not want what you want before you believe him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 How should I handle things? Should I stay and try to work things out with him or run? Give me 5 good reasons why you and he should work things out? Here's the thing: the fact that he wasn't summarily dismissed on the spot told him that while you may whine, pout, whinge and complain, no matter how he treats you, at the end of the day, you're not going anywhere because you need him more than you need peace in your mind and heart. So if your question is to how to handle things after he's insulted your intelligence and treated you with borderline contempt, the way you handle it is to find some beautiful place in your mind that you can escape to whenever he tosses this in your lap; a place that will enable you to drown out the "girl get going already" aspect of your sanity to stay quietly and contentedly with a man who treats you like this of his own free will. No one is forcing him to treat you the way he does. Conversely, no one is forcing you to stay with him for the treatment he's not going to let up on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 I bet you at least some of those girls knew his ex, or WERE his ex. I think he's hung up on his ex. He's wishy washy. So either date him AND other people since you're "not in a relationship" or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 His ex lives abroad now and he is fairly new in CA as well. He bagged me to stay and had tears in his eyes but for some reason assumes being in a relationship means being on the phone all day, having arguments etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 His ex lives abroad now and he is fairly new in CA as well. He bagged me to stay and had tears in his eyes but for some reason assumes being in a relationship means being on the phone all day, having arguments etc. This guy is the definition of commitment-phobe. A commitment phobe's worse fear is loss of their freedom and independence and individuality. This guy isn't interested in being committed to you or anyone at least right now. Sure, he may get teary-eyed over losing you but it's only because he was content with the way things were. It was working for HIM. He doesn't want to lose something that's working for him but he' not going to do anything to accommodate YOU. It's convenient for him. Don't continue to string yourself along. If you stick with this guy, you're just a plus 1 that he sees a lot of and has sex with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 Yes, it sounds like you two are in different places and want very different things out of it. It sounds like you want a committed R and he want's a FWB. You can't force him. He may have some validation needs/issues after his break up - so you are not enough but losing you hurts (him) too. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 When a man really likes you, he'll proudly introduce you to his friends and won't leave you alone at an event for long stretches. I think you're wasting your time with this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MindYourBusiness Posted May 6, 2019 Author Share Posted May 6, 2019 When a man really likes you, he'll proudly introduce you to his friends and won't leave you alone at an event for long stretches. I think you're wasting your time with this guy. I’m just wondering why he invites me in the first place. I am not even asking and he wants me to come. And then he seemed so sad when I said I need space like actually almost crying. I don’t understand this man Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 There is no deal to break. You have nothing to “work out”. Y’all are not together as he made it very clear. Move on and find someone who wants to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 6, 2019 Share Posted May 6, 2019 I’m just wondering why he invites me in the first place. I am not even asking and he wants me to come. And then he seemed so sad when I said I need space like actually almost crying. I don’t understand this man Who knows? Maybe he doesn't want to show up dateless. He's not an idiot. Any person with half a brain and basic manners knows not to ignore their date. I think you can do much better than this. It's better to go alone than go with a guy who essentially ignores you! Link to post Share on other sites
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