stillafool Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 So I ended up going to his birthday party.. After I got there he did not say hi for over an hour until I walked over. He said thank you for coming and gave me a hug but thats it.. At night after I left he texted me what I am doing and thanked me for giving him space and said lets talk tomorrow. Well I didn't hear from him all day... I am very confused. We have friends in common that told me he really cares about me and keeps telling them how much he likes me. What should I do with this entire situation? Cares about you? He doesn't have to be romantically interested to care about you. I can't believe you would lower yourself to attending his B-day party. If a guy didn't want me there he would never have to worry about laying eyes on me again. There's nothing to be confused about. He's just not into you. Stop listening to his friends and look at how you're treated. That should tell you everything you need to know. 1
stillafool Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 (edited) our fight friday was really intense which is why he asked for space.. I just wonder how much space is too much if that makes sense? He knows I am hurting and I am willing to put his needs above mine for a certain period of time but for my understanding the fight was not so severe that he should disappear on me for more than 3 days.. Why are you putting his needs ahead of yours? Edited April 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
kendahke Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 (edited) Hi, I really need you guys advice. I had a surprise party planned for the guy I have been dating. Things went wrong, his roommate who was supposed to make sure theres nothing else planned didn't do his job and I got upset because they ended up having a guys night. The fight escalated because I was really hurt as I felt unappreciated and now he says he needs space and acts very unkind and mean towards me. Today his is other birthday party and he said there is no room for me in the Uber.. what should I do? Find something to do with your time--like find a new boyfriend who respects your esteem. Did he know about your surprised party before he went out with his boy who dropped your ball? It would seem your angst was with the friend and not your boyfriend (if he had no idea about your party), so I'm wondering exactly how badly this fight you had with your boyfriend unfolded if he's telling you that he doesn't want you around him on his birthday and that he needs space from you. Edited April 22, 2019 by kendahke
Author MindYourBusiness Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 Find something to do with your time--like find a new boyfriend who respects your esteem. Did he know about your surprised party before he went out with his boy who dropped your ball? It would seem your angst was with the friend and not your boyfriend (if he had no idea about your party), so I'm wondering exactly how badly this fight you had with your boyfriend unfolded if he's telling you that he doesn't want you around him on his birthday and that he needs space from you. Thanks for your response. The fight was pretty severe. I asked for space and to go out with the boys alone after a while of fighting and in that situation I was not able to give him that space because the entire situation made me so anxious. The end of the story was that he did not go out on his birthday night which obviously really upset him. This morning he texted me that he still really likes me and always enjoys our time together. I don't know if he is acting really immature and doesn't really know how to handle the situation or if he's just not into me..
ExpatInItaly Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I don't know if he is acting really immature and doesn't really know how to handle the situation or if he's just not into me.. I'm sorry OP, but I think it's the bolded. You are much more invested than he is. I wouldn't bother trying to revive something that isn't really there.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 Sounds like you are his back up plan. I know 100% he is not seeing anyone else. When I showed up at the party there was actually only guys like he said.
bathtub-row Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I know 100% he is not seeing anyone else. When I showed up at the party there was actually only guys like he said. So? He still treated you like crap. Why do you persist with this guy? Btw, back up plan means that he’ll use you until someone better comes along.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 So? He still treated you like crap. Why do you persist with this guy? Btw, back up plan means that he’ll use you until someone better comes along. he just texted that he really cares and if I am willing to talk this out..
d0nnivain Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 he just texted that he really cares and if I am willing to talk this out.. At any point has he said he's sorry for blowing you off? has he called you? Texting is lame under the circumstances. You can hear him out but it has to be face to face. You will fix nothing via text. Don't even try. You will lose so much context all you will do it make it worse. Understand that what he doesn't want to lose is a steady source of sex with a girl who lets him get away with treating her so badly. Doormats are hard to come by. Take him back at your own risk. Until you set real boundaries & begin to exhibit a little back ground, he will continue to treat you cavalierly. 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 At any point has he said he's sorry for blowing you off? has he called you? Texting is lame under the circumstances. You can hear him out but it has to be face to face. You will fix nothing via text. Don't even try. You will lose so much context all you will do it make it worse. Understand that what he doesn't want to lose is a steady source of sex with a girl who lets him get away with treating her so badly. Doormats are hard to come by. Take him back at your own risk. Until you set real boundaries & begin to exhibit a little back ground, he will continue to treat you cavalierly. I will give him an opportunity to explain where this behavior is coming from but will definitely walk away if he is not willing to not to give this relationship the label "exclusive" after 3 month of dating. I will keep my distance for another days so that I won't stop crying during the talk.
d0nnivain Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 Communicate to him that you need a day of two to collect your thoughts because you are so hurt & tell him when & where you want to meet him. do not just go silent on him. Failing to respond will make things worse.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 Communicate to him that you need a day of two to collect your thoughts because you are so hurt & tell him when & where you want to meet him. do not just go silent on him. Failing to respond will make things worse. Yes, I communicated that. I just need to get my power back over this situation and don't want to be available the moment he realizes I am worthy. And this is not just a game I am playing, I am actually confused about what I am going to do. Theres not really an excuse for rude behavior from him but then again I know that he had a REALLY difficult ex girlfriend and explained one time that he gets triggered easily.
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I know that he had a REALLY difficult ex girlfriend and explained one time that he gets triggered easily. ...and... ________________________
preraph Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 She was probably difficult because he drove her crazy. 2
Scarlett.O'hara Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 If you are concerned about the damage it will do to your self esteem or anxiety levels long term then you really need to stay away from guys like this. In my opinion it would be a big mistake to continue to date this guy, but you have to learn from your own mistakes and make that decision for yourself. Hopefully it doesn't cause lasting damage that follows you into future relationships. It would be a shame to make the next person pay for someone else's behavior. Just something to think about. 2
elaine567 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 She was probably difficult because he drove her crazy. Excellent point.
introverted1 Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 What am I missing here? If I understand things correctly, you attempted an ill-planned party for his BD and, then when it didn't pan out, you prevented him from going out with his friends -- a plan he'd had all along. He doesn't break up with you over this manufactured drama, but he does ask for space. Next, you ignore his request for space, and inject yourself into a different birthday event. And now everyone is piling on about HIS bad behavior? Seems to me he's not the one who has behaved poorly here. 3
Author MindYourBusiness Posted April 22, 2019 Author Posted April 22, 2019 What am I missing here? If I understand things correctly, you attempted an ill-planned party for his BD and, then when it didn't pan out, you prevented him from going out with his friends -- a plan he'd had all along. He doesn't break up with you over this manufactured drama, but he does ask for space. Next, you ignore his request for space, and inject yourself into a different birthday event. And now everyone is piling on about HIS bad behavior? Seems to me he's not the one who has behaved poorly here. Thats what I am saying! Even though that guys - going out - thing came up very last minute, I definitely over reacted. He caused major hurt in me because he brought up past fights and got really personal and that is how things escalated. I am just very confused since everyone here seems to advise me to dumb him. I originally came here to get advise on how to handle/fix the situation, I never wanted to dumb him. I knew I screwed up here too just think he is taking it too far. I feel punished
dispatch3d Posted April 22, 2019 Posted April 22, 2019 I agree with the two posters so far that said this is a workable thing. Giving space to each other seems like a good idea so that cooler heads would prevail. If you are crying all the time about it doesn't sound like you are ready to talk it out with him, right? I'd probably ask why he didn't want the planned surprise party and what brought about the wanting to spend time with the guys thing. Your relationship should probably have a label after 3 months, have you brought that up with him yet?
Author MindYourBusiness Posted April 23, 2019 Author Posted April 23, 2019 I agree with the two posters so far that said this is a workable thing. Giving space to each other seems like a good idea so that cooler heads would prevail. If you are crying all the time about it doesn't sound like you are ready to talk it out with him, right? I'd probably ask why he didn't want the planned surprise party and what brought about the wanting to spend time with the guys thing. Your relationship should probably have a label after 3 months, have you brought that up with him yet? thanks for your response. I need to get my emotions under control. I have always been a cryer but I understand how that can make communication harder. His roommate was supposed to keep him from making other plans but it did not work out so I got really upset and hurt and blamed it on my man. We have talked about this becoming something more serious and he has mentioned several times that its more than just sex. However, we both just got out of pretty long relationships at the beginning of this year and we discussed to just take it slow. Ive always been ok with that because it progressively developed into something more serious, but this fight got me wondering if I am really ok if this not having a label. It makes me more anxious if that makes sense?
some_username1 Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 What am I missing here? If I understand things correctly, you attempted an ill-planned party for his BD and, then when it didn't pan out, you prevented him from going out with his friends -- a plan he'd had all along. He doesn't break up with you over this manufactured drama, but he does ask for space. Next, you ignore his request for space, and inject yourself into a different birthday event. And now everyone is piling on about HIS bad behavior? Seems to me he's not the one who has behaved poorly here. Looks like the sisterhood wanting to paint this guy as an ******* simply because he had other things to do than a very ill advised surprise birthday party. Heaven forbid this guy wants to, y'know, actually hang out with his friends. He should have ditched those guys the minute OP came into his life like a good little boy Honestly, someone mentioned three months which if true is absolutely crazy for: a) organising a surprise birthday party - that would freak a lot of guys out b) the hysterical over-reaction of 'dump him, he don't care about you' etc. A mature adult would realise that they called it wrong with the party (the OP's partner has every right to decline to attend a party he had no part in planning without it reflecting badly on him) and offer to take him out somewhere he wants to go, as a couple, under the title of 'Birthday celebration MKII'. An emotionally immature person would have an emotional meltdown, take great offence and dump the guy. What OP's partner wants to do on his birthday is entirely up to him and as it's his birthday OP should be fine with it and not make it all about her and, even worse, dump him because he doesn't do what she wants. Strewth..... 1
Author MindYourBusiness Posted April 23, 2019 Author Posted April 23, 2019 Looks like the sisterhood wanting to paint this guy as an ******* simply because he had other things to do than a very ill advised surprise birthday party. Heaven forbid this guy wants to, y'know, actually hang out with his friends. He should have ditched those guys the minute OP came into his life like a good little boy Honestly, someone mentioned three months which if true is absolutely crazy for: a) organising a surprise birthday party - that would freak a lot of guys out b) the hysterical over-reaction of 'dump him, he don't care about you' etc. A mature adult would realise that they called it wrong with the party (the OP's partner has every right to decline to attend a party he had no part in planning without it reflecting badly on him) and offer to take him out somewhere he wants to go, as a couple, under the title of 'Birthday celebration MKII'. An emotionally immature person would have an emotional meltdown, take great offence and dump the guy. What OP's partner wants to do on his birthday is entirely up to him and as it's his birthday OP should be fine with it and not make it all about her and, even worse, dump him because he doesn't do what she wants. Strewth..... Not sure if you red everything but Ive never planned on dumping him. Thanks
dispatch3d Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 thanks for your response. I need to get my emotions under control. I have always been a cryer but I understand how that can make communication harder. His roommate was supposed to keep him from making other plans but it did not work out so I got really upset and hurt and blamed it on my man. We have talked about this becoming something more serious and he has mentioned several times that its more than just sex. However, we both just got out of pretty long relationships at the beginning of this year and we discussed to just take it slow. Ive always been ok with that because it progressively developed into something more serious, but this fight got me wondering if I am really ok if this not having a label. It makes me more anxious if that makes sense? From what your saying here it sounds like you are emotionally invested to the point of being official while not actually being official. 1
bachdude Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 The details are a bit confusing but it seems to me that both he and she are to blame for this epic argument - it just didn't need to happen. Of all the stresses that can come into a relationship, a botched Birthday truly need not result in this much drama. Sense of humor folks...sense of humor! Roll with it now, you can do it! OP, for relationships to last both parties need to keep things in perspective, learn to diffuse situations before they get out of control, and be empathetic to the other person's perspective. You could have been more understanding about his own plans for his own Bday and he could have been much more appreciative and sensitive that you took the thought and planning to surprise him. Neither of you gave this consideration to each other that I can see. You say he 'made' you feel hurt, he says he overreacts because of a past relationship...for the love of Pete, stop blaming other people for how both of you feel. We all have very different emotional reactions to the same events. You would like to know how to fix it? Well, both of you have to learn how to manage conflict better. These epic battles are counterproductive and totally unnecessary. This conflict has more to do with both of your own inner demons than anything else. Learn how to communicate in healthy, productive ways without all the drama. Hope that helps answer your main question...best wishes.
mortensorchid Posted April 23, 2019 Posted April 23, 2019 I have seen a lot of people plan some kind of a surprise party for someone, and it ends up in a disaster like you said. How long have you been with this guy? It's only acceptable if you have been with someone for a long time, not six weeks. But I digress ... Since he acted the way he did with you, I think you have seen his true colors, and they aren't pretty ones. You like this guy? I'm sure you do, but there will be someone better someday.
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