BettyDraper Posted April 9, 2019 Share Posted April 9, 2019 OP, I believe that your story is as old as time. It's extremely common for marriages to become far less romantic as soon as children arrive. The resentment you feel toward your children is also not unusual; you cherish your kids but you also miss the joy of a passionate relationship with your wife. I think you may need to manage your expectations. Your wife is the mother of small children and they take up a lot of her energy. I'm told that becoming a mother is all consuming so your wife might find it hard to remember to be a wife just now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 10, 2019 Author Share Posted April 10, 2019 So anyone have advice about how to tell my wife that I want to see a personal therapist? I highly doubt she will do couples counseling and I'm seriously thinking I need to talk to someone but I'm worried she is going to freak out when I tell her. I really don't believe she thinks anything is wrong in our relationship but I have so many things running through my head that it's making me dizzy. I'm in my early 40's and I feel like a mid life crisis is coming or something. About 6 months ago she asked me if I would marry her all over again. I said yes, she said no. But she says she still loves me... what that tells me is that her life just isn't fulfilled with me being a part of it. Her dreams didn't or can't come true with me in the picture so she just kicks the can down the road I guess. Most of you in here say that what I'm going through is very common with couples that have young kids and it will pass. I hope so. But in the mean time, I'd really like to go talk to a professional. When I tell my wife I think she's going to draw false conclusions like, cheating, thinking of divorce, whatever crazy stuff she could think of when the real reason is that I miss the person that I married. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 About 6 months ago she asked me if I would marry her all over again. I said yes, she said no. But she says she still loves me... Ouch! She said, given a second chance, she wouldn't marry you? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted April 10, 2019 Share Posted April 10, 2019 (edited) So anyone have advice about how to tell my wife that I want to see a personal therapist? I highly doubt she will do couples counseling and I'm seriously thinking I need to talk to someone but I'm worried she is going to freak out when I tell her. I really don't believe she thinks anything is wrong in our relationship but I have so many things running through my head that it's making me dizzy. I'm in my early 40's and I feel like a mid life crisis is coming or something. I think it's a good idea to see a therapist, with or without her. They won't tell you what to do, but they can help you make decisions about what you would like to do. I did that early in my marriage, when I was unhappy. My husband did not go at first, but after I started to go, he decided to go. It's possible that your wife is saying things she doesn't mean because she's unhappy. I think that is fairly common in people with young kids. When I was a SAHM, I felt like I didn't have an identity sometimes. I mean, I loved my kids, but I wasn't happy with myself until I started to work again. Does your wife miss working? If so, she may be resenting you and the kids at some subconscious level. As for how to tell her, just say you feel depressed and need to talk to someone. Nothing wrong with that. Edited April 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 About 6 months ago she asked me if I would marry her all over again. I said yes, she said no. But she says she still loves me I think that would be a turning point for me if my spouse said that to me. She initiated the conversation so she obviously has thought it through. What was the point of her bringing that up? What did she expect to come out of that revelation? Sometimes we women tiptoe around things we don't want to face up to. What does she want from your relationship, have you asked that directly? As to how to tell her you want to see a personal therapist, why would you worry about how she would react? She needs to know how serious this is for you. You say you've tried to talk about it with her and she refuses. She doesn't get to dictate how YOU deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 (edited) I think that would be a turning point for me if my spouse said that to me. She initiated the conversation so she obviously has thought it through. I agree. If my husband said that he wouldn't marry me again and he can't fulfill his dreams with me in his life, then we would have to separate because I can't be married to someone who doesn't want me as his spouse. I realize it isn't as easy to walk away when there are children though. OP, go see a therapist and don't worry about how your wife feels about it. You need to look after your emotional health since she doesn't seem to care just now. Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 About 6 months ago she asked me if I would marry her all over again. I said yes, she said no. But she says she still loves me... what that tells me is that her life just isn't fulfilled with me being a part of it. Her dreams didn't or can't come true with me in the picture so she just kicks the can down the road I guess. The housework and kids excuse is BS. Most play that song in these situations but it's just a common worn out excuse. You don't mean much. I was a SAHD for awhile and although hard work and a lot of time it was by no means a killer especially when the kids are in school. You are nothing but a checkbook until ......,,, She's told you what you need to know. What you do with it is up to you. The only one that'll keep you stuck in this situation is you. Like most I suspect you'll just kick the can down the road and live on hopium. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 12, 2019 Author Share Posted April 12, 2019 Like most I suspect you'll just kick the can down the road and live on hopium. Yes I think I will. Sad, but at least I'm honest with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Yes I think I will. Sad, but at least I'm honest with myself. what do you feel you want to do op really.... to start dealing with this situation? what first step do you think would help you and your relationship?...deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 13, 2019 Author Share Posted April 13, 2019 what first step do you think would help you and your relationship?...deb The step that I've already taken and it seems to be working... to fix myself first. I would be a lunatic to think this is 100% one sided. I've really tried to step it up and help out much more around the house with domestic stuff. I hope that takes a lot of stress off my wife. Maybe it's just a short term fix but at least it's something in the right direction. Doing nothing will yield nothing so I have to start somewhere. The other part is my attitude. My wife and I had a good talk the other night and really broke through in a way we haven't done in years. It was a heart to heart and was really wonderful. We both offered each other forgiveness. I know it's just a start but hopefully it's a sign of good things to come so I haven't given up hope. I'm like a warrior in battle right now. Going to give it my all. What happens after that we'll see, but at least I gave it my all to have a happy marriage and if it turns out otherwise I won't have any regrets. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 (edited) The step that I've already taken and it seems to be working... to fix myself first. I would be a lunatic to think this is 100% one sided. I've really tried to step it up and help out much more around the house with domestic stuff. I hope that takes a lot of stress off my wife. Maybe it's just a short term fix but at least it's something in the right direction. Doing nothing will yield nothing so I have to start somewhere. The other part is my attitude. you can do it op ....you are right takes two to fix and keep a relationship alive..the communication thing is huge isnt it....not only does it break down the walls between you guys it helps to step forward....i am really glad for you that you were able to break through communication wise...i have hope for you both in my heart...prayers out to you your wife and your relationship to grow in communication and understanding....best of luck..ps please know i wasnt being smart with my question i asked in previous post.....i just wanted to know what you really saw and wanted to happen...and everything you hope for i hope it comes to fruition........deb Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 (edited) The step that I've already taken and it seems to be working... to fix myself first. I would be a lunatic to think this is 100% one sided. My wife and I had a good talk the other night and really broke through in a way we haven't done in years. . This is great news. I hope the two of you can find time to make each other feel desired and prioritized again. This is such a common problem once kids enter the pic. I was just having this talk with a female friend the other night. She ended up crying in her bedroom when she felt ignored by her husband. They have 6 six kids, including a few teens they adopted from another country. Their lives are pretty hectic....but it's still so important to both spouses to make sure the other is still feeling wanted and loved. It's hard, hard work to make sure another person doesn't feel like they are in last place! I hope your wife will consider couples counseling at some point. Edited April 14, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted April 15, 2019 Share Posted April 15, 2019 That is great that you've taken steps to help yourself, and you realize that this isn't one sided. It sounds like your wife does love you and wants to work things out. Hopefully she will go to counseling as well when she sees you going. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 16, 2019 Author Share Posted April 16, 2019 (edited) So now another twist in this situation. I could start a new thread but I'll just continue here. My wife has been away on work training for the last three days, things have been great. She says she misses me etc. Me, in my stupidity, phone call, brought up how I miss her sexually (it was very vague). She immediately reprimanded me and told me that all I think about is sex. I told her I'm a sexual human being and that I want her. Now we aren't calling or texting each other. Dead lock. I don't know why but every time I bring up anything sexual she shuts down completely. It's like sex is something horrible to her. Something isn't right. I don't know what it is but I'm so totally done with it. We have a drawer with all our sex toys that I just threw away in the garbage. It means nothing to me anymore. I'm calling her bluff. She can either communicate with me or I'll stop having sex with her all together and she'll be the next person in here writing and complaining about how her husband doesn't want to have sex with her. I feel completely unappreciated as a husband right now. I'm serious, I'm actually ready to cut off sex to my wife. Not literally, I'll still have sex with her but I'm so ready to just move on in life and let it go becoming A-sexual. I'll find a new hobby, maybe like her hobby, looking at Facebook etc. Let's see how she likes it. I'm sorry to sound so negative but I've been beat down for the last 5+ years of marriage and I'm sick of it. Here is something I haven't shared before. At LEAST 75% of the time we have sex she says, "just make it quick". That's the truth. I'm so done with this. I'll jac!k0ff and let her figure it out for herself. I really do believe my wife loves me like she says she does. But I feel like that love is the same as she loves her grandma, mom, or best friend. There is no sexual desire. It's gone. Edited April 16, 2019 by zig Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Are you sure that it's a lack of sexual attraction? Maybe it hurts or she has some other reason for not liking it? Even if she gets mad, you really need to ask her why she dislikes having sex. If she won't talk to you, maybe you should ask her if it's okay if you get it somewhere else? Let her see how that feels. I'm serious, sort of. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 We have a drawer with all our sex toys that I just threw away in the garbage. It means nothing to me anymore. I'm calling her bluff. She can either communicate with me or I'll stop having sex with her all together and she'll be the next person in here writing and complaining about how her husband doesn't want to have sex with her. I feel completely unappreciated as a husband right now. I'm serious, I'm actually ready to cut off sex to my wife. Not literally, I'll still have sex with her but I'm so ready to just move on in life and let it go becoming A-sexual. I'll find a new hobby, maybe like her hobby, looking at Facebook etc. Let's see how she likes it. You are very easily triggered, Zig. Have you considered that maybe she actually does feel like all you care about is sex? Did you ask her any questions about her work trip or anything else? Do you think she feels like you value things about her like her intelligence, compassion, etc.? She's saying she feel like all you think about is sex. Prove to her otherwise (if it's the case). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Zig - several of the things she has said to you point heavily to an affair. I really hope you have investigated this thoroughly... Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 16, 2019 Author Share Posted April 16, 2019 You are very easily triggered, Zig. Have you considered that maybe she actually does feel like all you care about is sex? Did you ask her any questions about her work trip or anything else? Do you think she feels like you value things about her like her intelligence, compassion, etc.? She's saying she feel like all you think about is sex. Prove to her otherwise (if it's the case).Yes I'm easily triggered and working on that... ugh. She knows sex is a high priority for me. I have gone through great strides about completely laying off the sex stuff the last couple of months. Pretty much only when she initiates it. Hardly even talking about it, etc. Even last night when she reprimanded me about saying something about sex I pointed out that I haven't been like that at all lately. She not only agreed but said thank you, that she has noticed it. The other stuff, yes I do value all the other stuff. I let her know too, but probably not enough. It's another one of those things I'm working on. At least I cooled down a little now. But I'm still serious about wishing I could just turn A-sexual. Zig - several of the things she has said to you point heavily to an affair. I really hope you have investigated this thoroughly... I so highly doubt that. It's not even on my radar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Wasn't on mine either... You'll get hit by a truck with your head in the sand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 16, 2019 Author Share Posted April 16, 2019 Wasn't on mine either... You'll get hit by a truck with your head in the sand. I honestly can't even fathom how she could be. For one, she's not the type (I know everyone is capable). Two, there are no other signs of it except the disinterest in physical intimacy. Three, she has no time to do it IMO considering how involved she is with raising two young kids. The only thing I could see as possible is she is having a mental or fantasy affair (if there is such a thing). But I think it's highly unfair of me to jump to any conclusions. So I won't. Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I honestly can't even fathom how she could be. For one, she's not the type (I know everyone is capable). Two, there are no other signs of it except the disinterest in physical intimacy. Three, she has no time to do it IMO considering how involved she is with raising two young kids. The only thing I could see as possible is she is having a mental or fantasy affair (if there is such a thing). But I think it's highly unfair of me to jump to any conclusions. So I won't. I agree, from what you posted, it doesn't sound like she is having an affair. TBH I've been where your wife is before. When my kids were young, I was exhausted all the time, and it did piss me off when my husband wanted sex. It wasn't his fault, I know, but when you are dead tired you lose your cool. I think your problem is fixable. How is it going with the counseling? What does your wife think of that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 16, 2019 Author Share Posted April 16, 2019 I think your problem is fixable. How is it going with the counseling? What does your wife think of that? Haven't done the counseling yet. Things were going really awesome between us up until last night. I see a pattern here though. It seems every time she has to leave town for whatever reason something blows up. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 I’m also thinking an affair is a possibility. Or that she’s thinking about it and your marriage is at risk. I might do some low-key looking, if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 It seems every time she has to leave town for whatever reason something blows up. From what you've written it seems like you get extra needy when she goes away. And/or that she looks forward to that time to not be pawed at or being made to feel badly about sex, but even then she can't escape it because of the types of messages you send her. Link to post Share on other sites
oceanblue12 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Nobody deserves to be badgered especially when they are out of town. I agree that you seem quite needy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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