How would you respond.

[zig]

No way around dragging this out into the open and dealing with it directly, whether though MC or individual therapy.Mr. Lucky

 

Yeah man. I've actually been seriously thinking about going to see an individual counselor on my own.

I really doubt my wife would go to marriage counseling because she is too thick headed. She doesn't see any problem at all. She wants to be praised for being a martyr as someone else here said it.

[preraph]

My hope about getting her to share a parenting class with you is so that she can see that letting the kids run her schedule is not preparing them for the real world and maybe giving her some perspective. I am pretty sure any parenting class would say you need to take care of yourself and your relationship too. It might be a way to get some of it under control without making her mad. Maybe you can buy sessions and then say you won "free tickets" in some raffle. Hahaha.

[zig]

I thought about the same thing. A parenting class will get us to open up and talk. She'll be able to listen to other people (she won't listen to me). It will instruct us to be better parents and for her to chill out.

 

The other options are for me to go to personal therapy and figure out what's going on in my head (maybe I'm wrong in all this once I lay it all out for someone else to analyze). Or for us to go to marriage counseling. The first one would be the easiest and least offensive to her.

 

I do have another option. Her best friend, who I know and trust I can go talk to. I can ask her if my wife is truly unhappy or if I'm making this up in my head. What do you think about that???

 

To add, I just think it's funny how I just talked with her on the phone (she's on her way home and yes she called me for all those who think I'm smothering her) for like 10 minutes about all kinds of stuff. She said she missed me, I said I missed her, then immediately she had to go because she needed to look at the GPS... so goodbye. It's sounds like coincidence but every single time any type of intimacy stuff comes up she's out???? It can't possibly be coincidence. Not buying it. She hates my guts.

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Mr. Lucky]

I do have another option. Her best friend, who I know and trust I can go talk to. I can ask her if my wife is truly unhappy or if I'm making this up in my head. What do you think about that???

 

It would be a mistake for so many reasons it's hard to list them all here. She's not a neutral party, may have her own biases, much could be lost in translation and will probably resent at some point being caught in the middle, one or both of you may get mad at her.

 

If your marriage is important to you, allocate some resources to getting it back on track...

 

Mr. Lucky

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She hates my guts.

 

Well, that's a bit dramatic.

 

You being the lowest on the totem pole doesn't really jive with her calling you every 30 minutes while you're fishing. Why do you think she does that?

 

Your complaint about being at the bottom of the list is so, so, so common. It would be nice if she would go to counseling with you because it could really help. I don't know that you'd get a whole lot out of individual counseling for this particular issue. How about just trying to ask her?

[BaileyB]

I do have another option. Her best friend, who I know and trust I can go talk to. I can ask her if my wife is truly unhappy or if I'm making this up in my head. What do you think about that???

 

Not a good plan. You underestimate the strength of a female friendship. If her wife had confided in her, it is unlikely that her friend will break that confidence to share those feelings with you. Her friend will likely tell your wife about your conversation because her loyalty is to your wife, not to you. And then your wife will want to know why you are going behind her back to talk with her friend and why you are bringing her friend into your marriage... if you have a problem with your wife, it is best to try and speak with her directly.

Edited April 6, 2019 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

Your complaint about being at the bottom of the list is so, so, so common. It would be nice if she would go to counseling with you because it could really help. I don't know that you'd get a whole lot out of individual counseling for this particular issue. How about just trying to ask her?

 

Agreed. It’s the bell curve of happiness - it peaks when you are young and again when you are older... but there is a span in the middle where people are so busy working, raising children, caring for aging parents, etc... where it’s all about getting through the day. You wife has a lot on her plate as a stay at home mother. It’s not uncommon for the husband to feel left behind, because sometimes he is when she has so many other responsibilities to manage.

 

I agree with CO, this is not a problem for which you need individual counselling - I would definitely suggest that you talk with your wife about how you can work together to make life a little bit easier, carve out some time for each other, and really prioritize what is important... Marriage. Outselling would be the best place to have these conversations. Ask her when she gets home.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It’s the bell curve of happiness - it peaks when you are young and again when you are older... but there is a span in the middle where people are so busy working, raising children, caring for aging parents, etc... where it’s all about getting through the day. You wife has a lot on her plate as a stay at home mother. It’s not uncommon for the husband to feel left behind, because sometimes he is when she has so many other responsibilities to manage.

 

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yesssssss......

[BaileyB]

Sorry, that should clearly say “marriage counselling...” would be a good decision, if she will agree. If she values her family and wants to keep the family you have built together intact, she will make it happen...

[anika99]

I saw in one of your previous threads that you met and started dating your wife just 7yrs ago. In 2013 you posted a thread where you had been dating her for a year and that was just 6yrs ago, no mention of kids or pregnancy on that thread. This leads me to believe that your kids are still really little, under the age of 5.

 

Now I'm not saying you shouldn't be addressing the problems in your marriage but do try to remember that before the kids go off to school they really are a 24/7 job. I still remember when my kids were that little and how much they took up my whole life. When I just had one kid it wasn't bad but the second one really pushed my responsibilities to the limit, having to take care of a baby AND a little kid at the same time, there just isn't a moment when one of them doesn't need something. And my kids were 4yrs apart in age, when they are only a couple of years apart it's even harder. You simply cannot expect to have the same time and attention from your wife that she was able to give you before kids.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

You simply cannot expect to have the same time and attention from your wife that she was able to give you before kids.

 

So very true.

 

Being a SAHM is not for the weak! I did it for five years. It was way easier to be a work-out-of-the-home mom when I went back to work. It's hard to describe to someone who has never done it just how mentally exhausting it can be.

[BaileyB]

I have stayed with my nieces and nephews for a few days... OMG. It’s exhausting. I love them, but when they were little I couldn’t wait to get them to bed so that I could have a glass of wine.

 

I would much rather be at work. My brother has three kids and he goes to work when he is sick. His coworkers tell him - “You are sick. You should be at home, in bed.” His response, “I cant’ go home. I won’t be able to rest. I won’t get better to home, that’s not the place you want to be when you are sick...”

 

I have another friend who has three kids. She couldn’t wait to go back to work. When I asked her if she was sad to go back to work, she said “I love being at work! I can go to the bathroom anytime I want, and nobody’s bugs me. What’s not to like about work!”

 

Staying at home with little kids is the hardest job - you never get a break! It’s wonderful, but the pressure of keeping those little people happy and safe and the exhaustion that comes from experience is tremendous. I have such respect for stay at home mothers - it is the best job, but also the hardest!

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I will clarify....being a SAHM of more than one child is exhausting. Just one kid is pretty easy, unless of course it's a colicky baby or a disabled child, etc.

[elaine567]

This trip is just one of many. Again, she's a sahm and my income makes it possible for her to do just about anything she wants. I'll confess most of what she does is still with the kids so it's not always a vacation for her... I understand that.

Are the kids with her on this trip, or do you have the kids for the week?

[pepperbird]

It can be really hard for women, especially, to flip the switch from Mom-mode to wife mode. Nothing appealing about crawling into bed after a day dealing with tantrums, bickering, fighting, wiping boogers, etc. and then having a husband want to have sex. Meanwhile, running background in the Mom brain are ridiculous things like "we need milk, i have to remember to schedule that doctor's appointment, XYZ is needed for school/church next week, did I take that laundry out of the dryer?, etc etc etc

 

This is so true!

op, think of it this way. When you come home from work, are you able to completely shut your brain off about any issues at your job? Probably not. When you come home at the end of the day, your day is over. It's fun time. For your wife, her day never ends until she hits the pillow, and even then, her brain is still running about family responsibilities.

 

This isn't to say you don't work hard or that you aren't important, just that she works hard too, and it cam be really hard to shut off "mom brain".

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[pepperbird]

op,

this episode is an oldie but a goodie. It explains your problem from several perspectives and explains how and why it can happen.

 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I feel like I wanna try to get this on DVD and give it out as a baby shower gift from now on. Timeless, and so true.

 

P.S. I watched it on my laptop while making dinner and emptying the dishwasher. Moms multi-task.

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[todreaminblue]

It is eerily like something my fWW said to me while her affair had (unbeknownst to me) kicked into high gear. It made sense to me afterwards as she was trying to assuage guilt she was feeling. I would tell her "by being unwaveringly faithful."

 

this is beyond cool...so cool a response...there's nothing that shows care more than loyalty and faithfulness....

."by being unwaveringly faithful."

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[zig]

Oh, please. When someone asks you a question like that, you want to give it full consideration. She'll think of something, don't you worry.

I promised you I would give you an update. She's been home for 2 days now. Never mentioned a word about it. But I'm over it now. Time to move on. We talked about some other things (the other things bothering me) but that never really gets anywhere. My wife is hard to talk with or maybe it's partly me. It takes two to have a conversation, I realize that. But I think it's mostly my wife. Anyway, wish this place could help me more but I know it can't. I think I'll just have to accept that I'm low man on the totem pole and hope it gets better during the future stages of life. Young kids are tough!

 

Not a good plan. You underestimate the strength of a female friendship. If her wife had confided in her, it is unlikely that her friend will break that confidence to share those feelings with you. Her friend will likely tell your wife about your conversation because her loyalty is to your wife, not to you.

Makes logical sense and I think you're right. No good reason to go down that road.... Eek, glad I didn't.

[zig]

op,

this episode is an oldie but a goodie. It explains your problem from several perspectives and explains how and why it can happen.

 

 

I PROMISE to watch it. Might be a few days until I have time alone. Thanks!

[pepperbird]

I PROMISE to watch it. Might be a few days until I have time alone. Thanks!

 

I would suggest you and your wife make a big bowl of popcorn and sit down to watch it together.

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LuckyM]

As a guy, I say that married and some single men would love to have this question, this dilemma.

 

Hard to answer without knowing more

[Mrs._December]

My wife is gone on a girls getaway for a week. Ladies, how would you respond if your husband or b/f sent you a text message that said, "tell me one way I can show my love for you, anything". The context was we just texted how much we missed each other.

There are actually husbands who say this?

 

If my husband ever said that to me, my reply would likely be, "who are you and what have you done with my husband?"

 

Seriously. That would be my answer because I know it would have to involve Pod People.

[Cyndyrr327]

Yes you are right. It's also her house, kids and dishes too. I work a full time job being the sole income. Her position as she wants it is a sahm..

 

I'm so sorry, it's hard when one of the partners doesn't put work into the relationship.

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cyndyrr327]

 

I know this sounds horrible but I'm beginning to resent my two girls because they are the ones who took away the love of my life. That's the best way to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I love my children 100% they took away my wife. It's really hard.

 

Having young kids is really hard. I never asked my husband that back when our kids were young, but I'm guessing he probably felt similar to that back then. THEN my parents moved close and we started having date night every other weekend, everything was good again!!