loversquarrel Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Yes, and a sure road to divorce... Tit for tat is a very bad way to conduct a marriage. It always tends to escalate and before they know it, pure hate is involved... Yeah well then maybe that's what needs to happen as that's how life is. It's called fair and equitable balance and if she can't handle it then divorce is what she deserves. Do as I say not as I do is no better than tit for tat. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 This would be extremely childish behavior, not worthy of adults. This tit for tat will kill a marriage really quickly. Lol, it's OK for her but not for him, so typical. OP, she will treat you as poorly as you let her. Without equality your marriage is doomed, if not by your hand then surely by hers. I wouldn't doubt that she's already showing signs of emotionally checking out. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 It's a profound Q & it was kind of unfair of you to blindside her with something so deep when she was on a lark. Are you sweet when she is around or just when she's away & her full attention is not on you? This was my exact first thought. Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 I'll be honest - being a stay at home mom sucks. I did it for a few years and although it was great for my son? It was awful for me and my mental health. There is never an "end" to your day and you can become totally and completely overwhelmed with a million pressures from society (real or imagined) to be a superstar Mom and do ALL the things because you DO have the privilege of being a stay at home Mom. As for how you can help? Encourage her to step out of her Mom role once in a while. This trip is a good idea...but would she be willing to join a book club or a wine tasting club or an art class or a spin class or a cooking class (anything) that will get her out of the house and away from the kids a few hours a week? You may find that if she gets a chance to be zig's wife/a woman vs. full time Mom all the time, your sex life, etc. will also improve. It can be really hard for women, especially, to flip the switch from Mom-mode to wife mode. Nothing appealing about crawling into bed after a day dealing with tantrums, bickering, fighting, wiping boogers, etc. and then having a husband want to have sex. Meanwhile, running background in the Mom brain are ridiculous things like "we need milk, i have to remember to schedule that doctor's appointment, XYZ is needed for school/church next week, did I take that laundry out of the dryer?, etc etc etc Try to schedule regular date nights with your wife also. Doesn't even have to be out of the house or fancy. Some nights? My husband and I will split a bottle of wine in basement and just hide away after we put our son to bed. And just talk and laugh and such. It does a LOT to keep our connection alive. And we take weekend getaways when we can without our son to just have US time. Kids can be tough on marriages. Hang in there and I hope you guys can figure this out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Well, check her for half healed 'bruises' when she gets home. That's how I busted an old girlfriend. Tushy bite marks & hand grab marks that weren't mine... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 I know exactly why she didn't respond to that text message I sent. I was just venting here. She has no time for me because she has too many other things she has to attend to and is completely tapped out. She's told me so, directly in those words. Ok so why didn't you listen to her instead of trying to annoy her further? Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 OP, why are you trying to get her to focus on you when she's on a girls' trip? Leave her alone. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 You just spoke the most eloquent truth I've ever heard. I know it, my friends know it, everyone else knows it except her. We've even talked about it. My dilemma is how to get her to actually see it through her own eyes. The fact that you see it and put it into words gives me great hope. I hear you on the other advice you gave too. Accepted, heard and appreciated. Tell her you think you should both go take a parenting class, and not the type for babies. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 Your wife is with her vacation husband at the moment. She will be yours again when she gets home. Maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 Your wife is with her vacation husband at the moment. She will be yours again when she gets home. Maybe. Oh please. Girls trips are a very legitimate thing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 With what you have posted between your two recent threads your wife could be having an affair. Keep your eyes open. It is not uncommon for a sahm to do this Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 I have seen many of girl trips end in cheating. Not saying this one is going to. But with the problems that have come up in the last few months it is a possibility. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 The distance he is feeling between them. Him feeling that he is last on her list. This is not good. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) I have seen many of girl trips end in cheating. Not saying this one is going to. But with the problems that have come up in the last few months it is a possibility. I'm part of a group of 10 women who have taken a girls trip for the last 17 years. Last year was Wyoming, this year is Maine. None of us have even come close to cheating, even when we were in Vegas. Nine of us are mothers and it's much-needed annual escape. Edited April 5, 2019 by CautiouslyOptimistic Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 Perhaps the girls on the trip made a pact that this trip would be about them and they would not allow one another to spend a lot of time on the phone with their partners, etc. Honestly, if I had gotten that text on a girls' getaway, I would have felt like my husband was trying to inject himself into my vacation time to either make me feel guilty about being away from him, or distract me into answering his question (probably because any time I was ever away from my estranged husband, that is how he behaved, constant texting and asking me questions - just making sure that I was spending my time on him, somehow. So I might be biased.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 I have seen many of girl trips end in cheating. Not saying this one is going to. But with the problems that have come up in the last few months it is a possibility. Any woman interested in cheating has no need to leave her home town. Plenty of willing men everywhere from the gym to the grocery store... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 I agree with those who say that you sending that text was not cool. It screams of neediness and insecurity, as does your reaction to her response. Can you not just let the woman enjoy a fun girls trip without throwing your relationship issues into it? Deal with it after she's home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 My wife is gone on a girls getaway for a week. Ladies, how would you respond if your husband or b/f sent you a text message that said, "tell me one way I can show my love for you, anything". The context was we just texted how much we missed each other. Guys what would you expect? How much are you texting her? If she's on a girl's trip, I'd say don't text her unless you really need to. I'm sure you miss her, but she's only going to be gone a week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 5, 2019 Author Share Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) I agree with those who say that you sending that text was not cool. It screams of neediness and insecurity, as does your reaction to her response. Can you not just let the woman enjoy a fun girls trip without throwing your relationship issues into it? Deal with it after she's home. I'm being nice and cordial to you. The following is a response to my situation (not you personally) That's a bunch of B.S. She's the one who when I'm out on a fishing trip with the guys blows up the phone with text messages and phone calls every half hour. And she's the one who was first texting me on how much she missed me. She initiated the text messages. I just responded in spades is all I did. But we sure do have a firestorm of a thread here. The issue isn't the text message (that's obvious). I'm concerned that I'm not important to her anymore. The order would go something like this... kids, mom, charities, friends, Facebook then me at the bottom. Edited April 5, 2019 by zig Link to post Share on other sites
fishlips Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 (edited) Oh okay, in that case, yes, I can see why you feel like you're at the bottom of her priorities. Have you talked to her about it? What did she say? Is she willing to go to marriage counseling? It sounds like maybe she is resentful about something (justified or not) and refuses to tell you. Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 The order would go something like this... kids, mom, charities, friends, Facebook then me at the bottom. That is often what happens when a women feels disconnected from her man, she immerses herself in other activities, if it gets really bad, add alcohol and pills to the mix. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 5, 2019 Author Share Posted April 5, 2019 This trip is a good idea...but would she be willing to join a book club or a wine tasting club or an art class or a spin class or a cooking class (anything) that will get her out of the house and away from the kids a few hours a week?..........Kids can be tough on marriages. Hang in there and I hope you guys can figure this out. No, it would make it worse. My wife is addicted to filling up her schedule. She already does all those things. She can't stop. This trip is just one of many. Again, she's a sahm and my income makes it possible for her to do just about anything she wants. I'll confess most of what she does is still with the kids so it's not always a vacation for her... I understand that. I know this sounds horrible but I'm beginning to resent my two girls because they are the ones who took away the love of my life. That's the best way to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I love my children 100% they took away my wife. It's really hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 The issue isn't the text message (that's obvious). I'm concerned that I'm not important to her anymore. The order would go something like this... kids, mom, charities, friends, Facebook then me at the bottom. Can't help but wonder why you made you initial post about a text message? You're obviously feeling a lot of (possibly well-earned) resentment, a real relationship killer. No way around dragging this out into the open and dealing with it directly, whether though MC or individual therapy. Doing nothing and waiting for things to change not a recipe for success... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 5, 2019 Author Share Posted April 5, 2019 Oh okay, in that case, yes, I can see why you feel like you're at the bottom of her priorities. Have you talked to her about it? What did she say? Is she willing to go to marriage counseling? It sounds like maybe she is resentful about something (justified or not) and refuses to tell you. Anytime I've talked about it she tells me that she is all "tapped out" and doesn't have anymore time for me. She has someone (the kids) to attend to all day long and has nothing left for me. (her words exactly) Last time we had an argument about it she told me she was ok with me getting a mistress on the side. We would still be married and everything would stay the same but that she can't give me anything more. I'm being serious. She actually said that. I was really hurt. I talked to her afterward and tried to make it better and said how that isn't remotely what I want. So congratulations to my dear wife for being a martyr to her children, friends, activities and Facebook. She spends more time on Facebook in a day than she does with me. I can bet you a million dollars that even though she didn't have time to respond to my test message (what 5 minutes of time?) she spent quadruple that on Facebook sending selfies of her with her friends on her getaway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author zig Posted April 5, 2019 Author Share Posted April 5, 2019 Can't help but wonder why you made you initial post about a text message? You're obviously feeling a lot of (possibly well-earned) resentment, Mr. Lucky Yes, a few things have really hurt me lately. Each one revolves around how everything in her life is more important than me. Link to post Share on other sites
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