Is he serious about me?

[Lotsgoingon]

Your worry about him "deserting" you later only puts you in the mindset of I'm ready. I don't know about him. Actually your job right now is to judge him and evaluate him and not assume he's the right person to marry. Get yourself out of the passive position dependent on his desires. So put this in terms of where you are, you want to find out if this is a guy you feel really secure being with.

 

You don't want to simply get married. I'm sure you know that, but there is a bit of that sense in here--that your previous relationships were all failures because guys never fully committed. Surely then and looking back now, you can see that marrying some of these non-commitment folks would have been disaster. So consider taking those relationships out of the "failure" column, or at least take them out of the "they got cold feet" column. You need to create new column of "they weren't what I was looking for."

 

Six months in, I'd say now is the time you want to "come out" more ... be yourself more ... vocalize opinions more ... ask for more of what you want to make your life easy ... you want to do that now! ... as a way of taking the relationship out for a spin, so to speak.

 

A blunt question: how is the sex? And how interested is he in sex? Does sex with him feel like just physical sex? ... or like love-making---at least sometimes? Sometimes you can tell how much someone is really into you by sex ... I remember dating this woman I was totally into ... and yet ... she rarely took the initiative on sex ... and I could never deeply connect with her during sex--even though the sex was quite fun. She was always just a bit distant. She was also not publicly affectionate with me. Turns out, she wasn't all that into me--even though physically the sex was great.

 

Another question: what would he reassure you? Now let's push aside a statement from him that he wants to get married and he can see marrying you. What behavior on his part do you think would reassure you about the depth of his affection for you? This is subtle, but people really into us will randomly and gratuitously say out loud all the things they like about us. They'll talk about us and beam ... like they just won the lottery.

 

I wonder if he's not quite telling you how much he likes you and if you're picking up on this. I can't help but think that the list of positives (a good move) is your logical brain talking ... But the logical brain misses a ton. There's the emotional brain ... I guess it's your limbic system ... and your intuition ... and this feeling that something isn't right ... can haunt us even when the concrete evidence can go the other way.

 

Strangely enough, my experience says that the feeling of something missing (even if you can't put your finger on it) is almost always right--no matter how long the list of positive qualities is.

 

So are you feeling gratuitously, wildly treasured? Is there some gnawing sense that something is missing--despite the long list of positives?

[basil67]

Hi Littlebridge, things sound like they are going really well so far. But at only 6 months in, it's too early to try and guess if this will go the distance. Both of you are still wearing your rose coloured glasses and are probably yet to face any adversity together.

 

If things are still looking great at 18-24 months in, then it's time to consider if this will go the distance.

 

Edited to add: I just noticed that you're 35. Given that you both want kids, my previous advice will do your fertility window no favours. Have the two of you ever discussed your fertility in respect to age?

Edited March 27, 2019 by basil67

[d0nnivain]

Ask him how he feels about marriage in general. Acknowledge that it's too soon for you two to be talking about your future together but just find out if he ever saw marriage to anybody in his future & how he feels about the concept in general. Assuming you get positive answers to that, wait a few months, then ask the same types of general Qs about kids in general.

[Curiousroxy86]

Question. Have he said anything about wanting to be married eventually? Like does he want to be married in general?

 

If he has mentioned that he wants to be married one day then In my opinion continue enjoying the relationship because he is showing really good signs and he is escalating the relationship. Yes you have your fears but the only true test if the man is worth his salt is his ACTIONS OVER TIME.

 

Now...I personally believe in timelines

 

In my humble opinion I think it's wise to give a boyfriend atleast two years to propose. Not only giving him time to propose but you are giving yourself ample enough time to get to know who the hell he is.

 

Yes you want to get married. Yes you want the ring. but your focus should be.....is this a man I want to marry? Is this a man that I want to spend the rest of my life? Part of your desire for marriage and finding a man that's a good fit is him wanting to marry you but the other part which is just as important is also if he is the type of man you want to get married to. so please don't lose sight of that as well! The goal is you want to get married and STAY HAPPILY married.

 

So right now he is showing good signs. If he has expressed a desire that one day he wants to get married then that's enough information for now to continue on. Your focus right now and ongoing is to continue to observe how he treats you. Observe for the next two years (or whatever your personal timeline is) on who he is and is he someone I even want to marry.

 

If he has not mentioned anything about whether he wants to be married or not then that is something you should know. Make sure he understands that your not asking him to marry you. You can say "honey do you believe in marriage". Keep it short and light. Open up the dialogue. Don't be afraid of what he is going to say because what he tells you is vital information on whether you should continue this great relationship or are you wasting your time with this guy. If he says he doesn't believe in marriage or don't want to get married then you cut him loose. If it comes to a breakup then for future reference make sure you know that much about a guy before agreeing to be in an exclusive relationship. Most guys I got into a relationship made that known quite early that they one day would like to get married. If he says he believe in marriage and wants to be married with the right person then you continue the relationship, evaluate how he treats you for the next two years or whatever your personal timeline is, get to know him, and you don't bring it up again. Let him propose.

 

If he stops treating you right and y'all stop resolving conflict in a healthy way then he is not the man for you and should not be someone you want to marry. Cut him loose. If he continues to treat you well but the timeline is up and he has not proposed to you well then you have to communicate your boundary and prepare to let him go if he doesn't respond favorably. All you can do hun. Ultimately agreeing to marrying you has to be his choice.

 

Six major things I don't recommend just to recap...

1) continuing or entering in a serious relationship not knowing at all if a man even believes in marriage or want marriage

2) badgering him about marrying you prematurely once you find out he wants to get married in general

3) not getting to know who the hell is and giving him the test of time to see if he is even marriage worthy

4) staying with a man for the ring or worst marrying him but he is showing red flags that he won't even make a good husband

5) staying with a man hoping he change his mind or trying to give a man time that made it clear they don't want marriage or don't believe in marriage

6) staying with a man that hasn't proposed in a reasonable time (imo over 3 years is way too long).

 

Good luck my friend

Edited March 27, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[Curiousroxy86]

I forgot to add the question about kids. Does he want kids. Also something you should know now to even continue with this guy and future reference find that out before agreeing to exclusivity. Also men who want marriage and kids tend to make that known early from what I seen.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Your worry about him "deserting" you later only puts you in the mindset of I'm ready. I don't know about him. Actually your job right now is to judge him and evaluate him and not assume he's the right person to marry. Get yourself out of the passive position dependent on his desires. So put this in terms of where you are, you want to find out if this is a guy you feel really secure being with.

Well said. I need to keep that in mind, still evaluating. And so far, I do feel very secure in this relationship. Much more so than the other guys I’ve dated and this is definitely more than casual. I have that fear of failure and abandonment I struggle with. It seems by 6 months… things would be shifting to something more concretely secure like you mention, something more of substance instead of infatuation… like talking about seeing ourselves making longer term future plans, or saying I love you. We haven’t done that.

 

You don't want to simply get married. I'm sure you know that, but there is a bit of that sense in here--that your previous relationships were all failures because guys never fully committed. Surely then and looking back now, you can see that marrying some of these non-commitment folks would have been disaster. So consider taking those relationships out of the "failure" column, or at least take them out of the "they got cold feet" column. You need to create new column of "they weren't what I was looking for."

No, I don’t want to get married to just anyone. I want to marry someone I love and who loves me and is a good partner. But none of my long term exes committed to marriage and all of them failed. It’s hard to separate the two. I wanted commitment (meaning more than dating) from 2 of my 3 previous long term relationships. They talked about it with me as a pipe dream but never moved forward. I had a proposal, then a ‘promise ring’, but we never walked down the aisle. For my own reasons I ended those relationships, in part because they did not commit AND they were also not what I was looking for long term. So, I associate the men I was with not committing as the cause of the failure of those relationships.

 

A blunt question: how is the sex? And how interested is he in sex? Does sex with him feel like just physical sex? ... or like love-making---at least sometimes? Sometimes you can tell how much someone is really into you by sex ...

Wonderful and incredible. I’m addicted and he can’t seem to get enough of me. At first it was more about passion but now interspersed with the love making and more tender and intertwined. Definitely not just physical although always passionate. Lately it has taken a more intimate flavor, deeper kissing, I’m able to open up more and can come to orgasm in different ways compared to before….. meaning I’m more trusting and open, we’re talking more about doing things we haven’t done before. He’s very interested in sex with me and vice versa. It’s pretty intoxicating and a strong force! We have sex every single time we see each other.

 

Another question: what would he reassure you? Now let's push aside a statement from him that he wants to get married and he can see marrying you. What behavior on his part do you think would reassure you about the depth of his affection for you? This is subtle, but people really into us will randomly and gratuitously say out loud all the things they like about us. They'll talk about us and beam ... like they just won the lottery.

 

I think at this point, the only thing he could say to make me feel more secure is that he loves me, and he hasn’t done that. He will say things often like “I’m so crazy about you, I think of you constantly, if you only knew how much you’re on my mind, I see a future with you, you’ve become my favorite person, how did I get so lucky, you’re such a sweetheart, you’re so caring, I love that about you, I love being with you, I told my friends about you back home and I couldn’t even tell them half of the things I like about you, you’re so beautiful, “I’m head over heels crazy for you, I miss you, I’ve missed you the moment we said goodbye, etc.” So those are pretty strong feelings on his end…. When you mentioned about talking like you hit the jackpot, I think he does that. I catch him staring at me and smiling a lot, he really does treat me like a jewel and I’ve always felt that way since day one. As far as his actions, well… I guess the actions are more clear than the words!! Like getting a good morning, good night, thinking of you texts, every day, phone calls just to hear my voice and to talk, all the things I listed in my first post. I guess that shows more than words do anyway. I DO feel treasured and adored. My only request is that I’d like to spend more and more time, although we spend at least one night a week together and see each other at least three times a week.

 

I wonder if he's not quite telling you how much he likes you and if you're picking up on this. I can't help but think that the list of positives (a good move) is your logical brain talking ... But the logical brain misses a ton. There's the emotional brain ... I guess it's your limbic system ... and your intuition ... and this feeling that something isn't right ... can haunt us even when the concrete evidence can go the other way.

 

He's definitely telling (and showing) me how much he likes me, (apart from saying “I love you”) but I suppose my fear and insecurity comes from not my intuition but fear, since I’ve fallen in love and been dumped, had failed relationships, they weren’t the right person, etc. I also think a concern for me is his age (late 40s), desire to have a family and yet has never taken that leap. As women we are cautioned bout dating men who are over 40 and never married. Most will say it’s likely he never will. If he’s lived with women and had long term relationships, did he ever have intention of taking it to that level with them or was he just passing the time? I would say that’s a gnawing concern and maybe not so much what is happening now in his relationship with me, but the fear of whether he’s another non-committal man I fall in love with. Not committing to more than dating (in my view) has resulted in failed relationships. Can’t get out of that mindset I guess.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I forgot to add the question about kids. Does he want kids. Also something you should know now to even continue with this guy and future reference find that out before agreeing to exclusivity. Also men who want marriage and kids tend to make that known early from what I seen.

 

Yes. Told me before we even met that he wants kids to be sure we're on the same page as I do too. Says he wants marriage and the whole family unit. Not out to just have kids for the heck of it, wants the wife and family. Has made it clear he wants kids and I can see that he would be a great father.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Ask him how he feels about marriage in general. Acknowledge that it's too soon for you two to be talking about your future together but just find out if he ever saw marriage to anybody in his future & how he feels about the concept in general. Assuming you get positive answers to that, wait a few months, then ask the same types of general Qs about kids in general.

 

Well.... I already know his views on marriage and kids. He's been very black and white. He wants marriage, doesn't believe in divorce (which is maybe why he never married), and wants kids, in a marriage. He knows I want both which is something we discussed even prior to meeting. He said he won't date women who don't want kids. He mentioned a woman he dated before who had a young child, and he knew it would never go anywhere because he wanted his own family unit so it ended. I'm not young but I don't have any ex husbands or kids, so I know that has drawn him to me because he wants to create his 'own' family.

[Curiousroxy86]

Good good good!

 

Well all you have to focus on my dear is give him the test of time. Observe how he CONTINUES to treat you. Right now just focus if he is even someone you want to marry.

 

Continue to observe if he remains good to you

Continue to observe how you all handle real conflict

Continue to observe if y'all are compatible to whatever is important to you

 

If he stops treating you well and y'all can't get along or he starts backtracking about his ideas of marriage and kids or feeling ambivalent about you then you know what you got to do!

 

And of course have a reasonable timeline in your head In case you don't see that ring or proposal

 

Your time is valuable

[Iris The Butterfly]

Hi Littlebridge, things sound like they are going really well so far. But at only 6 months in, it's too early to try and guess if this will go the distance. Both of you are still wearing your rose coloured glasses and are probably yet to face any adversity together.

 

If things are still looking great at 18-24 months in, then it's time to consider if this will go the distance.

 

Edited to add: I just noticed that you're 35. Given that you both want kids, my previous advice will do your fertility window no favours. Have the two of you ever discussed your fertility in respect to age?

 

I have discussed my own fears of fertility issues with him early on. I have another thread in coping section that goes into this in depth. I am on the surface healthy and no fertility issues, although I know at my age the likelihood decreases with every ticking moment. I do not know his fertility, but I do know he's never tried to have kids and as far as I know never had a woman become pregnant.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Good good good!

 

Well all you have to focus on my dear is give him the test of time. Observe how he CONTINUES to treat you. Right now just focus if he is even someone you want to marry.

 

Continue to observe if he remains good to you

Continue to observe how you all handle real conflict

Continue to observe if y'all are compatible to whatever is important to you

 

If he stops treating you well and y'all can't get along or he starts backtracking about his ideas of marriage and kids or feeling ambivalent about you then you know what you got to do!

 

And of course have a reasonable timeline in your head In case you don't see that ring or proposal

 

Your time is valuable

 

My 'reasonable time' frame is a year. When I was in my 20s I spent 4 years each with two different men that I was just dating and living with and that was WAYYYY too long. When I hear about men dating women for years and years and never marrying it just shows me they weren't that into them (unless they are against marriage). I can see 2 years before getting engaged and a year before marriage being reasonable to some people who might be younger and aren't concerned about fertility. I read somewhere - that you should take how long it took YOU to know that you want to marry someone, that should correspond to the other person being reasonably sure they want to marry you too. And at my age, I think a year or so is more than reasonable. I prefer sooner than later. In fact, I'm of the view that if I meet the right person I don't want to hesitate. I'm pretty close to knowing for certain I see a very long term future with this man. I can't say for 100% guarantee. It's still somewhat early on, we haven't had real adversity yet or major disagreements or life changes, etc. But I find myself imagining what it would be like to live together, or kind of daydreaming about things.

[Lotsgoingon]

So he is treasuring you ... good go hear.

 

I still worry that you think the issue in the past was the previous men just didn't commit. I can guarantee you the issue was that there were problems in the relationship (whether you saw them at the time or not) ... and that's why they didn't commit. And yes, one problem might have been that those guys were insecure ... or just not mature ...

 

I'm harping on this point ... because ... let's assume this guy isn't like that ... it would be shockingly easy to carry with you ... the thinking that the relationship is good because he's into you ... and willing to commit. You acknowledge you had a friend you weren't interested in ... But you really don't want to enter a marriage thinking this person saved you and that's the only reason your life is happy is because HE was willing to commit. That cedes him too much power.

 

Trust me: guys respond better and act better ... when they are dating a woman who knows she'll be all right even if they guy disappeared. So, this guy is attentive and definitely into you ... are their qualities that you like in him independent of his attention to you? I'm sure the answer is yes, but you don't give those here.

 

On the love thing ... six months of a serious relationship in my view ... has about reached the end of the ban on the l word. I wonder what's up with his refusing to use that word? At some point (might be several months) you want to get to that issue.

 

So six months is also time to begin to ask for more nights over if that's what you want ... you really do want to start to assert yourself because you are molding the relationship ... and really seeing if you can get what you want. And of course, six month is about when you start to really learn about the other person's insecurities, their weaknesses, their struggles. And observing him and the new things you learn about him ... and seeing how he reacts as you open up more as well.

 

But things sound good. If you fear (about "abandonment") threatens to undermine you and the relationship, just get to therapy--immediately--so you stay in control, not the fear.

[elaine567]

For a guy who is apparently all about commitment and who wants to get married and have kids, he has managed to successfully avoid it all for 48 years... It is not as if women who want to get married and have kids are thin on the ground...

Now he is getting sex 3-4x a week and can't even muster up an ILY after 6 months...

Be careful.

Men know women are suckers for marriage and kids talk...

[NuevoYorko]

Not to be negative, but until I read the last post, I thought you were talking about a young guy. If he is 48(?) and has never married, this is seriously meaningful.

 

Have you asked him why he has not married? If you haven't, DO IT.

 

Your main focus seems to be marriage. In fact, you seem preoccupied about it; measuring and analyzing every word and action from this guy as it relates to "will he marry me."

 

There is nothing wrong with that. You know what you want. There IS something wrong with pussyfooting around finding out exactly where this guy is coming from, in real life, regarding the institution of marriage.

 

What is his relationship history? Has he had long ones? Does he take responsibility for failures of past relationships or does he put it on the women? Has he cohabited? Why is he suddenly interested in marriage now if never before?

 

Seems like you're scared he'll dump you if you are too forthcoming about it. IMO, you should be happy if he dumps you for being forthcoming. You want to get married PRONTO. If he's not on the same page, you are wasting your time. If you're upfront about your own relationship goals and he's a good guy, like he seems to be, he won't mislead you.

 

To be clear, I am not suggesting that you press him about whether he wants to marry you. I am urging you to have a frank and very clear conversation about his views on marriage and how they have brought him to be a 48 year old man who's never married. It's a heck of a lot more important than "I love you" and what month someone's supposed to say it, what kind of compliments he gives you, when he meets your family, etc.

[greymatter]

I can hear in your posts how much you care about each other.

 

I can't help but think that a guy in his late 40s is unlikely to want to start a family. Most men who want kids have done that earlier in their lives. Through most of this thread, I thought your BF was a younger guy. His age changes things a lot, reading your story.

 

Since you are very concerned about the passage of time and you are sure you want a family, it would be very important for you to have open conversations about that and any other concerns you have. If the two of you are as compatible as you are feeling you are, these conversations should be happening. Those conversations are (or should be) a natural part of dating. What you each want, what you are looking for (and these should have happened earlier on since you are clear about what you want). I know that you wrote that he hints at these things and a future, but you have more than a few questions that are on your mind. Ask them.

Edited March 28, 2019 by greymatter
added a missing word

[Iris The Butterfly]

{snip}

To be clear, I am not suggesting that you press him about whether he wants to marry you. I am urging you to have a frank and very clear conversation about his views on marriage and how they have brought him to be a 48 year old man who's never married. It's a heck of a lot more important than "I love you" and what month someone's supposed to say it, what kind of compliments he gives you, when he meets your family, etc.

 

I'm with you. This is what I think has caused me concern, not anything in particular he's doing or not doing or saying. Before we even met we had a chat about where we both stood on the marriage and kids stance because he brought it up and wanted to be sure we were on the same page. I said I want both, but have had long term relationships that did not result in either. He said he's looking to take things to the next level now at this point in his life, he's ready to have his own family, he's a long term relationship type of person and is looking for something real. If he hadn't said that I wouldn't have ever started dating him. He was very transparent and has been.

 

He had two very long term serious relationships that lasted years and years, like 4 years or more. He lived with two of those girlfriends. He specifically said that neither one of them were the right person and also he feels that maybe he wasn't ready, but has finally reached that chapter of his life where he has the career, the home, and is ... well, looking to take things to the next level... he has the stability and the strong desire now, his clock is ticking. He talks often about how much he wants kids. And he hasn't had kids yet because he didn't want to have kids outside of marriage. He didn't want to marry/have kids with the women he was with for years because apparently in time bad things happened, i.e. cheating and substance abuse. He said he doesn't want to date women who already have kids, prefers to date someone younger (like my age range) BECAUSE he wants kids and women his age can't. Admitted once maybe he has had too high of standards, but doesn't see serious potential with a woman who has ex husbands and her own kids. He really wants that singular family unit as he's very traditional. I have to conclude that neither of his long term live in gfs (from what he has told me) were women he saw himself marrying and having kids with, otherwise he would have. Not because he doesn't want marriage and kids.

 

I asked him his view of marriage not too long ago when talking about my friends' wedding. He was talking about how some of his friends are on their second marriage and about the divorce rate. I sensed some cynicism or criticism about his views, not on marriage but on divorce. He says he doesn't believe in divorce and believes in the sanctity and institution of marriage, as do I. He comes from a conservative traditional family where people marry and stay married. My family is the same. He said he always imagined himself married and having kids and thinks about the kind of father he would be. I'm the outcast of my family because I'm in my 30s and never married and no kids and everyone else married in their early 20s. And he says he feels the same. For me, marriage hasn't happened NOT because of my lack of desire or opportunity. I could conjecture that he has the same story, but this is definitely something I'm intending to bring up NOW not later. He told me the reasons why (more or less) that those relationships didn't work out, and he ended both of them due to either cheating or substance abuse from the other side. I know he is a man who likes to be in relationships, so he says he either dates someone for a couple months or many years. Doesn't do the casual thing. He also said a couple months in when he mentioned a concern or insecurity before we established officially being a couple that he sees a future with me and wouldn't be so affected by the issue that came up if he was just casually dating me. That is what I know for now. I've been curious to learn more about those past serious girlfriends. From everything that he's told me though, he wants kids and with a woman he is married to.

 

What Elaine said, and my age, is what makes me question or have caution. I've dated a lot and men surely do like regular sex and dating a woman they have feelings for. Doesn't mean they want anything more than that with her. I've dated guys like that, but the last one I did saw I was looking for more and he backed out after a couple months. But my bf now has made it clear to me that he doesn't see this or treat this as something casual and calls me his girlfriend and says he considers this a serious potential as do I. As far as the not saying I love you yet.... I mean, I haven't said it yet and I'm not sure I'm ready to. I definitely could say I'm in love or infatuated or really see promise with this relationship. He shows me and tells me his feelings in other ways besides vocally saying the words "I love you" how he feels about me. It's the consistency and presence and talking about plans together months down the line, wanting to meet my family, wanting to introduce me to his, his pursuit and the level of effort consistent over time.

 

So, bottom line: the reason I question anything at this point is because 1. my fears and past failed relationships and men who just want to pass the time; and 2. the fact that he's much older and has never been married and has had the opportunities.

Edited March 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Iris The Butterfly]

I can hear in your posts how much you care about each other.

 

I can't help but think that a guy in his late 40s is unlikely to want to start a family. Most men who want kids have done that earlier in their lives. Through most of this thread, I thought your BF was a younger guy. His age changes things a lot, reading your story.

 

Since you are very concerned about the passage of time and you are sure you want a family, it would be very important for you to have open conversations about that and any other concerns you have. If the two of you are as compatible as you are feeling you are, these conversations should be happening. Those conversations are (or should be) a natural part of dating. What you each want, what you are looking for (and these should have happened earlier on since you are clear about what you want). I know that you wrote that he hints at these things and a future, but you have more than a few questions that are on your mind. Ask them.

 

Thank you. We do care a lot about each other and it's a very affectionate and close relationship. We do talk about what we want but you're right I do have more questions. As far as what you said about how he's wanted kids and would think that he would've done that a long time ago... I also want kids and don't have them. I wanted kids 10 years ago with the man I was with then, but it didn't work out. I haven't had kids but it's certainly not because I don't want to. Not making excuses for him but sometimes people don't take the plunge because they're not willing to settle for a partner they know or have doubts will work out in the long term, and most people don't want to be single parents, at least I never did.

[Versacehottie]

oh gosh, I had so many things in mind but too much to go into. My overall feeling is that yes you are way too concerned with the potential marriage portion of your relationship. I think it's clouding your ability to see if he makes you happy and would be someone YOU would marry--trying to decipher if he is someone who would marry YOU.

 

TBH, from what you wrote here, i think he would marry you and be very happy unless he is a committed bachelor (didn't sound like it here with the exception that he hasn't said i love you; though of course that part is possible). I'm more worried that you don't sound like you love him perhaps and i'm not sure that you would be happy if that's the case. Maybe you are only talking about the parts here that relate to the title of your post, but i can't help but think it sounds a little...clinical I think it would be a mistake to say yes to someone who did want to marry you if he just ticks off things in a checklist. Idk, i think you need need to feellllllll something extraordinary. That's me though--i realize not all people would process their relationships this way or maybe you haven't conveyed it here (that part of it).

 

but overall maybe you are placing the cart before the horse as the saying goes. Things seem like they are going well to proceed to marriage, I'd worry about love, because i wouldn't consider getting married without that. Good luck

Edited March 28, 2019 by Versacehottie

[Iris The Butterfly]

oh gosh, I had so many things in mind but too much to go into. My overall feeling is that yes you are way too concerned with the potential marriage portion of your relationship. I think it's clouding your ability to see if he makes you happy and would be someone YOU would marry--trying to decipher if he is someone who would marry YOU.

 

TBH, from what you wrote here, i think he would marry you and be very happy unless he is a committed bachelor (didn't sound like it here with the exception that he hasn't said i love you; though of course that part is possible). I'm more worried that you don't sound like you love him perhaps and i'm not sure that you would be happy if that's the case. Maybe you are only talking about the parts here that relate to the title of your post, but i can't help but think it sounds a little...clinical I think it would be a mistake to say yes to someone who did want to marry you if he just ticks off things in a checklist. Idk, i think you need need to feellllllll something extraordinary. That's me though--i realize not all people would process their relationships this way or maybe you haven't conveyed it here (that part of it).

 

but overall maybe you are placing the cart before the horse as the saying goes. Things seem like they are going well to proceed to marriage, I'd worry about love, because i wouldn't consider getting married without that. Good luck

 

Thanks, Versace. I didn't convey how I feel about him so much, but yes, I'm in love and want to be with him, want him more every day! When he met my family a couple weeks ago I felt an even stronger pull to see the way he acted around my cousin's kids, and the fact that thing were progressing. I had told him it takes me awhile to want to bring anyone to meet my family, and wouldn't have invited him unless I saw serious potential, and I mean that. His response was that he's been hoping to meet my family and wants to introduce me to his because he feels there is serious potential too.

 

Just in the past month or so my feelings have grown exponentially... it took me a bit longer this time around to open up and feel safe to start to fall for him. From what I have seen over the past 5 or so months is a man of character and always a gentleman, and transparent, who is caring, affectionate, present, and an attentive and loving boyfriend. He's got some quirks and weaknesses, can be a bit OCD and uptight and structured but I seem to loosen him and relax him a bit so he can stop and smell the roses. He's said being with me makes him more at ease. I like many many things about him and he makes me feel like a jewel and very happy! I'm at the point where it's tough to not see him every day. This week he had been away for 2 days and returned late last night. We had seen each other just for an hour the night before he left, and he had texted me today that he wants to see me tomorrow. I know how much I'm looking forward to it. We love just being together, apart from what else is going on. It doesn't have to be a date out, or anything in particular. We've become happy just being together, regardless of what else is going on. When he was sick last week he had taken a day off work. He's seen me as a very nurturing sweet person and he had actually called to ask if he could come over. He's usually a tough guy and refuses to go to the doctor or says he's fine and can push through.. but the other day he made it a point that all he wanted was to be under my care and trusted whatever it was I thought that would make him feel better. So I made soup and set up a nice comfortable living room, picked up some medicine. I thought that was very sweet, that he wanted to lean on me. When he had a disappointment at work he called to tell me about it, when I offered him to come over for dinner he declined at first and said he wasn't in a good mood. But soon changed his mind and asked if he could. He's been coming to me for emotional support more and I know that's a big thing for a guy to open up like that. He said being around me just makes him feel better. He is very affectionate and loving and I love that about him too. Overall it's just a very easy and compassionate, caring connection that we have.

 

We might be just at the point of infatuation and falling in love, seeing that we both really love the way we make each other feel. That part comes before the actual loving a particular quality or the whole of the person, I think. But of course with time, we learn more about a person's character and what we love about them. Real love takes time, it's not something that happens right away, I think. But I'm in love there is no doubt.

 

I am concerned with love before marriage of course. I know the cart can't go before the horse. I just want to be with a man who loves me and sees a future with me and vice versa. I know it's a process.

[greymatter]

If I were in your situation I would also be thinking about the sexual part of your relationship, given the age difference, especially since it sounds like you are really happy with that part of the relationship.

 

I am 53 and my BF is a year younger than yours. In my experience, a lot of guys in their 50s and up have waning sexual function, which is a given in my age 50s age-range. If I were 35, that would be a consideration for me, and might be for you... that marriage to a partner close to the age of 50 might mean a lot fewer years of the kind of sex you are enjoying now. It might not because it’s very individual, but it would be on my mind.

 

Personally I’ve always dated, married, had a child, and been partners with slightly younger men and sex is one of the reasons.

[Curiousroxy86]

What Elaine said, and my age, is what makes me question or have caution. I've dated a lot and men surely do like regular sex and dating a woman they have feelings for. Doesn't mean they want anything more than that with her. I've dated guys like that, but the last one I did saw I was looking for more and he backed out after a couple months.

 

keeping your eyes open and having boundaries is of the upmost importance to try to decrease the chances of having to deal with that again.

 

most guys even if they are too chicken to say they changed their mind or end the relationship themselves show signs. being hot and cold, distant, starting to change their talk about the future, irritability, starting fights, claiming depression, being unsure, treating you less than....

 

just dont let the love you have for him and your desire to get the ring blind you to those things.

[greymatter]

My other question for you is whether you’ve done the math for how old your BF would be when your first child is 10, 15, 20, etc, .assuming things go forward with him and you are able to have a child in two years.

[chillii]

Guy here.

l can say one thing , things like some of your fears , he'll have to.

And at this kinda age tell ya what , as a guy you feel pretty cautious about throwing around words like love , even if your feeling it. lt just becomes a much more serious thing later in life.

 

And holding off somehow helps to protect you better just in case things don't work out , until you trust the whole thing and that takes time when we're older because we know too well how all this can go , or not.

l'd think that's all that's going on. l mean everything sounds really good and l can't see why he'd be stupid enough to still be going on talking marriage and kids at this stage there's just no need if he wasn't feeling it, talking like that's only gonna complicate everything and mess you around , if it's not what he genuinely wanted.

Anyway , good luck with everything.

Edited March 28, 2019 by chillii

[introverted1]

I also think a concern for me is his age (late 40s), desire to have a family and yet has never taken that leap.

 

I think this is a valid concern.

 

If you got married in a year and had a child a year after that (a pretty accelerated timetable, imo) that would make him early 50's when his child was born, and well past mid-sixties when that child would be heading to college. I don't know your or his financial situation, but if he has plans of retiring, having a teen could significantly impact those plans.

 

Is he advancing the relationship? By this I mean talking seriously about that future, not just future dates?

[Iris The Butterfly]

I’m very well aware of the age factor. Yes, I am aware that if I were to have his child he would be “old”. I’m also “old” as far as first time mother. It’s kind of the way the cookie has crumbled. The way I envisioned my life was having 3 kids by the time I was 30. That didn’t happen. I’d be very fortunate at this point to have one child. And if it’s with a man I love who is a good father, best case scenario. To answer any further questions about fertility, neither one of us has been clinically tested. My doctors say I’m healthy and should have no problem conceiving. I would prefer not to wait two years. It’s something I would like soon. When people question or have concern about dating someone that much older I tell them I do prefer dating someone closer to my age but that hasn’t worked out. Men my age are married, not ready to settle down, or don’t like me that way or vice versa. I’m going with what feels right and this does.

 

As far as his sexual capacity he has it just as good if not better than men I’ve dated in their 30s. He’s very fit and healthy so that certainly helps him in that department.