Author SCFenway Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 I was replying to Elaine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 That's simply your opinion. Not all people are built the same. You are correct, but common things are common and I will not be betting my house on you not getting feelings for anyone you now have sex with and who shows you the least bit of affection, after such a long drought... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Are you saying all men who haven't had sex in a while and have an one night stand at a bar catch feelings? Because I have never seen that. A woman who is chosen only for sex remains only for sex. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Are you saying all men who haven't had sex in a while and have an one night stand at a bar catch feelings? I can... especially if the sex is good and passionate... Because I have never seen that. It doesn't mean it's not possible... A woman who is chosen only for sex remains only for sex. Really? Are you saying that men can't develop feelings for a woman who they have chosen only for sex? I think you have a strange concept of men... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 (edited) Not just sex, intamatcy, closeness being desired. this is a much bigger issue than just not having sex. There are some key elements missing in this marriage, things that OP seems unwilling to admit. That is where the danger is. There is a good chance that someone else will fill the gaps and he may get confused. People fall in love with therapist, trainers, doctors instructors and bosses all the time. Its because in many cases they make that person feel good about themselves in ways that they haven't had or been getting. OP and his wife seem to be doing this the right way, however emotions are unpredictable, attachments can sneak up on you. There is a lot of danger for this marriage...Mainly and simply put there is a good chance OP will find someone better for him. His wife understands this, it's why she suggests sex workers. Even that isnt safe, at the end of the day they are also just people subject to the same emotional entanglement Edited November 5, 2019 by DKT3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Are you saying all men who haven't had sex in a while and have an one night stand at a bar catch feelings? Rather than a series of ONS, I'd guess a more likely scenario involves the OP finding someone he's attracted to and attempting a "sex only" relationship with them. He referred to a poly arrangement here: 1. Find a poly/sex positive therapist to help guide us through this Forget jealousy and emotional attachment, he may simply find it to be a logistical challenge... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 6, 2019 Author Share Posted November 6, 2019 Not sure what impediment you are referring to. A quick internet search found a kink friendly therapist in my area. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 Most of these have been done or tried at one time or another. I haven't sought out MC yet but it's a possibility. We talked about it once but she wanted to use her therapist and I wanted to use someone that didn't have any history with either of us. I am also a bit wary of MC in general. It seems anyone can hang up a shingle and claim to be a qualified MC but I don't know that I have ever met someone who went to MC and came out better for it. I can't speak for you, but it helped my husband and me. He's living with combat related PTSD, and we were able to find a marriage counselor who specializes in that ( sad that has to be a specialty, but it is what it is). The first therapist we saw this time was just a marriage counselor. Skilled, but she didn't have the expertise to include the PTSD in the therapy. I would suggest this to you, whether or not you wish to remain in your marriage. They can support whatever decisions the two of you make. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 Well some posters were talking about dates while the OP is only interested in sex. Just meet in the hotel, say hello, have sex and leave. No emotional connection, no discussion. Not to derail this thread, but does this really happen? I've been out of the dating pool for over two decades now, and this sounds really odd to me. OP, is that what you are looking for? If so, how does that even happen? It sounds well, unsafe to me. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 I know some of you will think I am being very casual about our relationship. I do love her. I always will, but I feel the need to be desired, to physically connect with another person but I have no desire to force that on her or make it a condition of an otherwise healthy relationship. That would seem to me to be a far more casual approach to our relationship. Actually, you have done exactly what you said you didn't want to do. I realize you may not agree with me, but ask yourself this. What would you have done if she said "no"? Was your marriage held over her head, likely even without you realizing it? This is why I would highly suggest you talk through all of this with a neutral third party present. You may not change your mind, but it might well make the choice work well for both of you. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 In the past years men could love a woman for years without even having talked to her or with little talking. Also, men were at wars for years but they still loved their wives or the women they had left behind. I think sex nowadays is overrated and we have prioritized it because we have solved the main problems of food, health, education etc. In past decades and centuries when people were poor and not healthy, sex was not a priority. in almost every war, "comfort houses" were as common as fish on friday. men were actually encouraged to cheat, because they were stressed and needed "relief". Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 6, 2019 Share Posted November 6, 2019 Not sure what impediment you are referring to. Probably proof you're not being realistic in your approach. If you don't think there's challenges in everything from handling the text, email and social media correspondence in a discreet way to having your wife sit home wondering what time you'll be back from your "date", you haven't thought this through... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 ... having your wife sit home wondering what time you'll be back from your "date"... A poster a while back had an open marriage due to some serous sex issues her end. She used to die every time he had a shower and then made his way out the door to meet the other woman, and she was in hell the whole time he was away. She felt as it was her "fault" she owed him. He got very attached to a woman he was "just" having sex with and left... Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 I don't understand why you are trying to change his mind. He has already told this yo his wife and she wants to try it. What would be the alternative? He doesn't seem to want to stay in the marriage without having sex with someone and his wife is not willing to do so. He is making a last effort to keep this marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 The problem is that there is a deep issue in this marriage. His wife has had multiple EA in the past and she isn't physically limited but refuses to have sex. Bring other people into this isnt going to save anything, at best they continue status quo. Most likely they will grew farther apart OP will most likely view a romantic relationship possibility as much more appealing then a business/friendship based one. Also very likely is his wife will engage in another EA now she is free to engage sexually. If doing a risk analysis this would be about as bad as it gets Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 Bipolar is the most likely cause of the EAs here. Manic/hypomanic episodes can lead to inappropriate sexual behaviour. If her bipolar is well controlled then it may not be an issue, if not, then opening up the marriage could have unforeseen consequences... Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 7, 2019 Share Posted November 7, 2019 I don't understand why you are trying to change his mind. He has already told this yo his wife and she wants to try it. What would be the alternative? H That's an easy one. You're looking at the short term. other posters are playing the long game. What eels good to him for a few minutes may have incredibly negative impacts on his marriage. Patting him on the head and telling him he's good to go hurt more than help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 9, 2019 Author Share Posted November 9, 2019 That's an easy one. You're looking at the short term. other posters are playing the long game. What eels good to him for a few minutes may have incredibly negative impacts on his marriage. Patting him on the head and telling him he's good to go hurt more than help. If continuing in a sexless marriage and possible divorce down the road is the current path I have to ask, what negative impacts are you talking about? If I can find the one aspect of our relationship that is missing elsewhere while taking any thought of responsibility off of her (in fact I have already, I never pressure her for sex) can't that be a net positive? I have heard from others that this type of arrangement has worked for. If we roll it out slowly, adhere to mutually agreed upon ground rules and work with a therapist I think this can work. If the therapist is able to guide us to a different path of course I am wide open to that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted November 11, 2019 Share Posted November 11, 2019 If continuing in a sexless marriage and possible divorce down the road is the current path I have to ask, what negative impacts are you talking about? Since you asked... When you bring a third person into a relationship, even if it's just as peripheral that at least one party will never meet or even know, it can have negative impacts. I know you think that having a counselor will cover your bases and you could be right, but once you let that genie out, it's out. What steps will you take to keep those sides of your life separate? What will you do to keep your wife protected? Will you be honest with any men or women you want to have sex with that it's just that and nothing more because you are married and don;t plan on changing that? Honestly, why not just hire a sex trade worker? That can minimize ( but not eliminate) the chance of an emotional connection forming. She/he wold be performing a service, no different than a masseuse, dentist, or hair stylist. There to perform a service and then it's back to their life and you back to yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 12, 2019 Share Posted November 12, 2019 If continuing in a sexless marriage and possible divorce down the road is the current path I have to ask, what negative impacts are you talking about? I'm trying to understand how you view sex as so important you'll go outside your marriage for it, but so uninvolving it won't cause any problems for said same relationship? Doesn't seem a realistic or sustainable approach... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 Since you asked... Honestly, why not just hire a sex trade worker? That can minimize ( but not eliminate) the chance of an emotional connection forming. She/he wold be performing a service, no different than a masseuse, dentist, or hair stylist. There to perform a service and then it's back to their life and you back to yours. That is on the table, and honestly might be the best path forward but I would want to do it still under the guise of an open relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 13, 2019 Author Share Posted November 13, 2019 I'm trying to understand how you view sex as so important you'll go outside your marriage for it, but so uninvolving it won't cause any problems for said same relationship? Doesn't seem a realistic or sustainable approach... Mr. Lucky There are many who view sex in much the same way. I would ask a similar question to the other half of a sexless marriage... how do you view sex as so important to a relationship and yet deny your partner that joy? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 how do you view sex as so important to a relationship and yet deny your partner that joy? Well, I don't understand that either. My wife's recently had knee replacement surgery and a rough go in rehab, but has made sure we've stayed connected intimately through the process. It's important to her... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 13, 2019 Share Posted November 13, 2019 Or she cares that it's important to you , Mr Lucky. That is where I'm having trouble with this, and any relationship that one partner makes the decision that sex is off the table. I would be concerned with why my partner thought it was ok. It's not really about sex, but that they are not considerate of how you are impacted by the decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 18, 2019 Author Share Posted November 18, 2019 So we had our first counseling session on friday. Our therapist is "kink positive" and had us talk a bit about our sexual history together and apart for the first session, what we were hoping to get out of it, etc. She did talk about the potential dangers of changing our current monogamous arrangement, but also talked about how it can actually strengthen a marriage. Monogamous marriages have rules, so do open ones. As long as the rules are agreed upon by both parties and followed things can work out. While neither my wife or I have an extensive sexual history, my wife has not had sex with anyone but me. The therapist asked point blank if I would have an issue with her having sex with others. She was very forceful on this point. She gave us some homework. Two times before our next appointment we are to lay in bed next to each other and masturbate while we talk about our deepest kept fantasies. This could be interesting. I know she is trying to see if we can reconnect sexually, and I am certainly open to that but I am not holding out too much hope. Link to post Share on other sites
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