preraph Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Now he's saying he doesn't even want sex with her and that that's not what the thread is about and that he's bi. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted March 24, 2019 Author Share Posted March 24, 2019 So she doesn't have to have IUD's, that's all. It sounds as though they are or have become a problem for her. It might alleviate one stress. I agree. I don't know why she decided to get it replaced. She never mentioned she was doing it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted March 24, 2019 Author Share Posted March 24, 2019 Has that had any impact on the sexual disconnect in your marriage? 20+ years is a long time to feel limited in sexual expression... Mr. Lucky It's really no different than any other type of monogamy. The fact that there has been a limited amount of sex over 20yrs is the real issue regardless of type of "expression" Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted March 24, 2019 Author Share Posted March 24, 2019 Okay, well, I got from your original post that the marriage had it all except sex and you were mad she has a BC device when you're not having sex, so seemed to me that was the "something missing" you referred to. But now, with new info that you are bi, I'm thinking you just want permission to have affairs with men probably, not that you even want to have sex with your wife anymore. I assume she knows you're bi? So have you gone all these years without having sex with a man or another woman? Got your eye on anyone? Need more info. I'm not sure I said I was "mad" about the BC...maybe a little, but only because she had this procedure that caused her pain when it was unneeded. The only relevance to my bisexuality in all this is it widens the playing field. I don't "have my eye" on anyone. Oh, and yes she knows I am bi. I have indeed been monogamous for the last 28yrs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted March 24, 2019 Author Share Posted March 24, 2019 (edited) You're writing as if you've made peace with her complete disinterest in sex. No way are you at peace with that. I really am kind of at peace with it. Sorry if you can't accept that but you don't have to. Edited November 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted March 24, 2019 Author Share Posted March 24, 2019 op, I know this is going to sound really cheesy. I apologize for that. When you and your wife are out together, do you ever just reach out and hold her hand while you're walking? Sometimes, small acts of affection like that can be really meaningful. About opening your marriage. I wouldn't. You could well add extra stress to your wife that, due to her mental illness, may be too much. This isn't to say that your concerns and grievances aren't valid, just that there could be much better ways of handling them. -book an appointment to see a counselor with experience in couples where there is mental illness -talk to your wife. let her know your thoughts and feelings, and ask her to speak to her doctor about her low sex drive. if this is just who she is, that likley won't change, but if it's because of her meds. there could be other options. Most of these have been done or tried at one time or another. I haven't sought out MC yet but it's a possibility. We talked about it once but she wanted to use her therapist and I wanted to use someone that didn't have any history with either of us. I am also a bit wary of MC in general. It seems anyone can hang up a shingle and claim to be a qualified MC but I don't know that I have ever met someone who went to MC and came out better for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 I don't know that I have ever met someone who went to MC and came out better for it. Do you mean the relationship came out "better for it"? Sometimes, the net effect of MC is the realization that the relationship isn't healthy for either party, game over... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted March 25, 2019 Author Share Posted March 25, 2019 Do you mean the relationship came out "better for it"? Sometimes, the net effect of MC is the realization that the relationship isn't healthy for either party, game over... Mr. Lucky Fair enough. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 I think opening a relationship when your spouse suffers a serious mental health disorder is a mistake. There could be some serious consequences that come from that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted March 27, 2019 Author Share Posted March 27, 2019 I think opening a relationship when your spouse suffers a serious mental health disorder is a mistake. There could be some serious consequences that come from that. I have certainly considered that and it is a concern. At the same time I have to consider my own well being. I know that this sounds mostly selfish, and I suppose it is. Her mental illness didn't really manifest until after we got married and I have been helping her deal with it for a very long time. For my trouble I get ignored in a way that is important to me. I don't want to push her into things she doesn't want to do nor do I want to live the remainder of my life sexless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted October 31, 2019 Author Share Posted October 31, 2019 Just an update: We have had sexual contact once since my last post on this subject. That said all other aspects of our relationship are strong. Been doing a little reading on the subject and the more I look into it the more I am convinced I want to broach opening things up. Essentially she is holding my sexuality and my sexual needs hostage. No one can be everything to a person. She is so much to me and me to her. We are great friends, co-parents, partners, but we do not meet each others sexual needs. I love her, but she either doesn't need sex or physical intimacy or simply doesn't want it with me. I can live with that. I am fine if she needs those needs met elsewhere too. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 Been doing a little reading on the subject and the more I look into it the more I am convinced I want to broach opening things up. SCF, you know her better than anyone. What will be her reaction to this conversation? And have you thought about the logistics of 'dating' while being married and raising a family? It might not be as simple - and attractive - as it appears... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 You've been together a very long time - you should be able to just talk to her directly about what you're thinking. The fact that you are posting here and asking opinions make me believe you are pretty sure she's not going to be receptive to that option. I would start, as has been suggested, by just expressing your dissatisfaction with the sexual part of your marriage. See what her reaction is to that. Unfortunately I think in most cases it's extremely difficult to change the sexual course of a relationship. At some point you may have to make a choice between staying married with the current situation unchanged or pursuing other options. You may not be able to have both. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 Honestly, you'd probably save alot of time and heart ache for you both by splitting up instead of creating all the jealousies of an open marriage and then splitting up afterwards (which is the likely outcome). As the old saying goes "be careful what you ask for....". Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 31, 2019 Share Posted October 31, 2019 Consider MC if you're already (haven't reread your thread) as either way you go: the sexuality between the two of you talk or the "let's open it up" talk, having a referee might help a bit. If she starts to realize that divorce, opening the marriage, or being sexual are the three options, she might start to give some ground. I think an MC might help a lot to keep things on track during that type of discussion. Of course I could be wrong and she'll be fine with the open marriage idea. But I suspect the majority of women wouldn't be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 SCF, you know her better than anyone. What will be her reaction to this conversation? And have you thought about the logistics of 'dating' while being married and raising a family? It might not be as simple - and attractive - as it appears... Mr. Lucky Believe it or not I think she would be open to the conversation. She is a pretty logical person about most things. I also know she doesn't want sex with me but is generally happy in our marriage. I am also generally happy in our marriage but want sex. I'm not worried about the logistics of dating because I am not talking about dating. I am talking about sex. Nothing is simple. Staying married without sex for almost 25yrs isn't simple but we've pulled that off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 Honestly, you'd probably save alot of time and heart ache for you both by splitting up instead of creating all the jealousies of an open marriage and then splitting up afterwards (which is the likely outcome). As the old saying goes "be careful what you ask for....". Open marriages do not have to create jealousies. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Open marriages do not have to create jealousies. They don't have to, but they do. On paper - no problem whatsoever Reality - you are introducing real live people into a relationship that formerly was a couple, people unless totally sold on polygamy tend to not like that. You may not even like that. I guess you feel your "sexless" wife will not be throwing herself at other men and thus you are safe...you play away, she stays chaste at home... It may not work like that. You may be able to separate sex from love, and in a way your wife has too, but I guess her bond with you will break if you suggest opening up your marriage. You will be gaining, she will be losing, that is the problem. (unless she already has a lover lined up or she is also excited to go see what else is out there...) You need to consider that even just mentioning it, may be the death knell to your marriage as you know it. You want your cake and eat it, (with your needs met elsewhere and your cosy marriage intact), so an open marriage is a "simple" solution but life doesn't work like that. Of course you may actually want to blow up your marriage, but if that is what you want then an honest discussion may be better, than sneakily trying to make her break up with you... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 (edited) @elaine567... You are assuming a lot. I would want her to have those needs met as well if I were not what she wanted in that way. In no way am I expecting her to simply "stay home" . Even if she chose to, what would she be losing? Something she doesn't want in the first place? That's weird. She would actually gain a happier husband. Your post feels nasty and angry, fine. This wouldn't work for you. Maybe it won't for her, but I have to find out. As I said, I love her. We are mostly happy and make good partners in most aspects but this is one where we don't mesh. Edited November 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 In this thread I see people don't understand (or don't make the effort to understand) what the OP is saying; he knows his W doesn't want sex with him (or at all), he has come to terms with it and he wants the permission from his wife to go on and have only sex (not dating) with other people. I don't know why people tend to understand that sex equals dating. Aren't there like a million apps where you can find only sex with people? I think this is what the OP has in mind. I don't know how his wife will react to that but to be totally honest I do believe there are women who would be OK with the thought of their H having sex with other people since they (the wives) are not interested in sex. What women are scared of is the emotional connection the H may have with another woman and it results in the husband leaving her. I may see it in a very simplistic way but I do think that his wife may find the idea a little weird at first but after some time passes I think she'll be OK with it, at least agree to give it a try. Maybe they agree she doesn't find out anything about the out of the house sex of her H. OP I think you have decided to proceed with this so I wish you good luck. I guess there are books or articles you can read of how to appriach the subject. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 1, 2019 Author Share Posted November 1, 2019 (edited) OP I think you have decided to proceed with this so I wish you good luck. I guess there are books or articles you can read of how to appriach the subject. Thank you. It seems that someone gets it. There is a piece people are missing, I am also bisexual (she knows). If she wanted to limit me to having sex with men I would be fine with that. Men are better at compartmentalizing sex as a purely physical act anyway. Edited November 1, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 I am also bisexual (she knows). If she wanted to limit me to having sex with men I would be fine with that. That may certainly allow you more hook-up possibilities. Unless you'd be paying for sex, don't think there's a huge pool of women out there looking for random sex with a middle-aged married man. You might also have to accept, were your wife motivated, she'd have an easier time finding opposite partners than you would. Supply and demand. Hope you keep this thread going, I'll be interested in your outcome. Perhaps you'll get what you want ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 We all "get it", not the first poster in a sexless marriage to post here. We understand what an open marriage is and we all understand the fall out too from such "Oh so sensible" decisions. We know exactly where he is coming from but he seems to be naive as to the consequences. I guess he wanted us all to go... "YES that is so logical, your wife will be happy, you will be happier and it will all be hunky dory..." He doesn't want to hear about potential pitfalls as that does not suit his agenda. OP You already told us you were bisexual... If all is so simple and straight forward then why are you still here 6 months later having said nothing to your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Well some posters were talking about dates while the OP is only interested in sex. Just meet in the hotel, say hello, have sex and leave. No emotional connection, no discussion. This is what I got from him and he said I understood correctly. The OP is not satisfied with this part of his marriage and he is trying to do the right thing in order to be honest with his wife. He could have easily found an affair partner or have sex with other people secretly, but he doesn't because he respects his wife and his marriage and he wants to do something about this certain aspects of the marriage. Most posters in sexless marriages consider divorcing. This man doesn't want to divorce, he just wants the permission from his wife to fulfil his sexual needs elsewhere. Will this go wrong? Maybe. But the situation as it is is already wrong enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Well some posters were talking about dates while the OP is only interested in sex. Just meet in the hotel, say hello, have sex and leave. No emotional connection, no discussion. Yes that is I understand perfectly possible in the gay community. App, meet up, sex/blow job, no expectations, no wining and dining, no complications, no calls to the wife or other problems an OW can bring, just pure sex. That is possibly the easy part... The first bridge to cross is the wife... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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