anika99 Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Believe it or not I think she would be open to the conversation. She is a pretty logical person about most things. . Well what are you waiting for then? Geez, you started this thread 7 months ago and here you are still trying to convince us when the only person who's opinion matters is your wife. Why are you not talking to her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 1, 2019 Share Posted November 1, 2019 Believe it or not I think she would be open to the conversation. As Anika asked - what's the holdup? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 3, 2019 Author Share Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) The subject has been broached. We spent a lot of time yesterday talking about this. I approached her saying I wanted to talk about our sex life. I made it clear from the top of the conversation that I wasn't trying to pressure her into more sex, that it is clear to me that sex with me is something she is not interested in. I also made it clear that, while I have physical needs, she meets my emotional needs and I don't think our lack of sex needs to lead to a divorce if we are open to considering an open marriage. The discussion included assurances that whatever happened there would be ground rules (there are ground rules now, no sex outside of marriage. this would just change those somewhat) and I am more than happy to follow them. I also let her know that there was no expectation on my part that she would accept this change or that if she did it would be one sided. Someone brought up the fact that a woman would have an easier time finding partners. She brought that up too. You're both right of course, that has certainly been part of the calculation on my part. Could I accept my wife sleeping with other men? I have come to the conclusion that if it makes her happy to do so I am ok with it. If this is something I can't give her but getting it elsewhere is possible, especially if we can maintain the rest of our relationship then so be it. What is the possible blowback? Well, maybe she catches feelings for someone and leaves me. Maybe I do that (though that is unlikely). If that happens then how strong was our relationship to begin with. One of the things she suggested she might be open to would be me seeking out sex workers, not something I had expected but I get it. It would make the act purely transactional and minimize any emotional connection. I am a strong believer in there being no such thing as "the one" for a person. There are lot's of "ones" we just try to find the one that is a good enough match. Is that 100%? 90%? 80%? My guess is it's probably closer to 70%. Find someone you can tolerate and respect more than you can most other people and try to make it work. If this all goes nuts and we end up ending the marriage, what then? I guess I get to look back at nearly 30yrs of a pretty successful relationship. We have raised a pretty cool kid together and seen each other through some tough times, and some victories. Right now she is thinking about it. I am not pressuring her for a "yes" I have not said there will be any type of "consequences" if she says "no", though I certainly have my own thinking to do about what that would mean and how I would go forward. At various times through the relationship I have been angry about the lack of sex and physical intimacy on our relationship. This is something that has been going on really for the bulk of our marriage. I think I am beyond that now. I'm not mad. She is who she is. I am who I am. Neither one of us is going to change at this point and no amount of talking, begging, MC, etc. is going to change that. I know some of you will think I am being very casual about our relationship. I do love her. I always will, but I feel the need to be desired, to physically connect with another person but I have no desire to force that on her or make it a condition of an otherwise healthy relationship. That would seem to me to be a far more casual approach to our relationship. Edited November 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 ...I feel the need to be desired... It may work going down the sex worker route for physical "relief", but a sex worker is providing a service for money, they will not "desire" you, it is not their job to validate you. Yes they will put on a show if that is what you want, but if you want someone to truly desire you, you will not get that from a sex worker. I am glad you broached the subject though, life is too short for being unhappy and saying nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 3, 2019 Author Share Posted November 3, 2019 That's true, but even the show may be enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) @SCFenway.... Yes it may indeed well be I have a feeling women do not usually pay for sex, as being truly desired is very important to a woman. Her libido is not stimulated by "pretend", paying a man to pretend to want her is thus a turn off. Men who pay for sex do not seem to have that issue. Edited November 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 Your marriage isn't strong, it lacks balance. I understand that you believe you have a grasp on how it will happen. Looking at it from a human behavior perspective, you will absolutely get attached to another person very quickly despite you believing you can prevent it. You are starving and this other person/people will feed you. Over time your wifes importance will diminish, your life together will decrease your home will become like a port with ships simply passing in the night. Open marriage only work when the relationship is strong and balanced. I not making these comments to attempt to talk you out of it, I'm simply saying this will more then likely end your marriage. Are you truly prepared for this? If so, why not divorce and remain friends, really that's all you are now. That way you dont ruin the core which seems to be a platonic friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 (edited) @DKT3... You make it sound like a marriage's strength is only the sex part. Which it isn't. Edited November 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 It's much deeper than sex, it's a lack of compassion. If one is knowingly forcing a spouse to do without any aspect of a healthy marriage the question has to be asked how much does the person actually care. If we are being honest, it's not about the sex at all, it's about his wife being unwilling to compromise, to give her husband what he needs to be happy and satisfied with the marriage. That is why there is a lack of balance, once someone else enters to balance the marriage, it will become irrelevant in time. The pages of this website is full of examples of that very scenario 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 I agree that the OP will become attached quickly to anyone who will give him sex to the exclusion of his wife. I agree "men" need sex, and without sex the bond to their SO is weakened to the point sometimes of being non existent. "Men" tend not to "love" room mate wives. But I do not agree that women who are not having sex with their husbands do not care. That to my mind does not follow. "Women" do not need sex to "love" a man. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 Not what I'm saying. What I saying is she has to understand it's an issue. There are two people in a relationship and if you dont even attempt to satisfy your spouse then the question has to be asked, no matter what that need is. Men dont need the emotional support and connection that women do in general, would the same kinds of comments be made if it was a woman saying her husband doesn't offer the emotional support? Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 Just to point out - the issue of potential strong emotional connection would be a threat on her side as well. It's interesting that she mentioned the ease of finding partners on the female side. Seems strange that she has little interest in sex with you but could possibly be interested extra-maritally. But perhaps that's just the situation you find yourself in. I agree this doesn't look good. Then again it didn't look real good before either. Perhaps it will work for them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 3, 2019 Share Posted November 3, 2019 It's interesting that she mentioned the ease of finding partners on the female side. Seems strange that she has little interest in sex with you but could possibly be interested extra-maritally. She didn't actually say that SHE would be interested, she only pointed out that women in open relationships find it easier to source willing partners. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 Seems strange that she has little interest in sex with you but could possibly be interested extra-maritally. Agreed, to me the missing piece of the puzzle. If she wants sex, why not with her husband? And if she’d only have sex with another as payback for the OP, proof as DKT3 said the well is poisoned and divorce makes more sense. Isn’t it easier to be friends post-divorce than to do so while married but sleeping with others? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 In the past years men could love a woman for years without even having talked to her or with little talking. Also, men were at wars for years but they still loved their wives or the women they had left behind. I think sex nowadays is overrated and we have prioritized it because we have solved the main problems of food, health, education etc. In past decades and centuries when people were poor and not healthy, sex was not a priority. What I want to say is, I find it absurd that a man can only love a woman if they have sex and that if they stop, he will stop loving her. There are men who have stayed with their wife after she was lets say paralyzed or really sick for years and they still very much loved her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 If she wants sex, why not with her husband? And if she’d only have sex with another as payback for the OP, proof as DKT3 said the well is poisoned and divorce makes more sense. Isn’t it easier to be friends post-divorce than to do so while married but sleeping with others? Mr. Lucky She likes being with him, but not sexually anymore. It's not uncommon. I am one of those men... I knew my wife wouldn't agree to an open relationship, so I never asked... maybe I should have? If the OP is happy having sex with "strangers", and he only needs that , and his wife agrees, why not? Personally, I couldn't... but we are all different. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted November 4, 2019 Share Posted November 4, 2019 In the past years men could love a woman for years without even having talked to her or with little talking. Also, men were at wars for years but they still loved their wives or the women they had left behind. I think sex nowadays is overrated and we have prioritized it because we have solved the main problems of food, health, education etc. In past decades and centuries when people were poor and not healthy, sex was not a priority. What I want to say is, I find it absurd that a man can only love a woman if they have sex and that if they stop, he will stop loving her. There are men who have stayed with their wife after she was lets say paralyzed or really sick for years and they still very much loved her. I doubt that most men would expect sex in situations where its PHYSICALLY limited. My wife had an impacted spine, had to have C5 completely replaced and half of C6 titanium discs pens and screws. We didn't have sex for over a year as she recovered and honestly I rarely thought about it. But there was intimacy and she tried to satisfy me sexually but I wouldn't risk it. There is a difference between physically unable and just unwilling or worse yet having sex with other who isnt your husband. I think its asinine that someone believes it's ok to unilaterally decide sex is off the table and expect the spouse to just be ok, or think it wont change the relationship. A huge part of any successful relationship is understanding what your partner needs from the relationship and being willing to provide it. I absolutely know what my wife needs and what she wouldn't except. In these cases it honestly doesn't seem like the wife even cares. Unfortunately, this is all too common here with both men and women who's spouses have decided sex is a no go...then being shocked when the spouse loses interest in both them and the marriage. Sex is a big part of a healthy relationship, unless it's a decision made by both to be sexless it will create problems, being blind to that doesn't make it go away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 Things are moving forward. We have spent more time talking about it and right now we are working on ground rules. 1. Find a poly/sex positive therapist to help guide us through this 2. No friends or people we know (people from work, etc) 3. Not in our home She says in some ways she feels relieved by the idea, that I would be more satisfied sexually and she wouldn't feel pressure to be that person for me. Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 It shows how much if a couple really wants to stay together they can find ways to do so. I am happy with this news OP. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 It shows how much if a couple really wants to stay together they can find ways to do so. I am happy with this news OP. Good luck. It's a bit funny for me... I didn't want to separate from my wife just because of sex, but because I couldn't have sex with her... to me that would be deal breaker. But the OP is happy to stay with his wife and have sex outside the marriage. Until he falls in love with someone else... to me, the risk would be too big. I'd rather divorce and fall in love after... Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 Why do you assume I would fall in love? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Why do you assume I would fall in love? You are hungry for attention and you have a need to be desired. Anyone who is in the least bit "relationship material" will be soon elevated to a love interest. Many on choosing a fwb or an AP, choose one with a "fatal flaw" to stop themselves getting too emotionally involved. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 Why do you assume I would fall in love? Maybe it's me... I can't separate sex and emotional involvement. Maybe you can. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SCFenway Posted November 5, 2019 Author Share Posted November 5, 2019 That's simply your opinion. Not all people are built the same. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted November 5, 2019 Share Posted November 5, 2019 That's simply your opinion. Not all people are built the same. In fact, I said "maybe it's me"... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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