How long until NC becomes bearable?

[ZBA]

Haha your detailed NC experience was actually in response to another thread about NC I started a few months ago (I can see now that I was laying the groundwork, have been mulling this over for months, and I am so happy that I was not just spinning my wheels but actually took action).

 

Haha you see!! I post so infrequently I couldn’t even remember whose thread I had replied to. But I do try to chime in on NC threads since I have both been thru the struggle AND also reached the point of finding NC powerful. I want to give y’all a hug and remind you to keep pushing.

 

 

@ZBA - I love your posts! You had another on one of Alohas earlier threads that I go back to often.

 

It is so great hearing about your peace about xMM. Not to threadack but can I ask, how is your relationship with your H nearly a year out of NC?

 

Awww, thank you love! It’s great hearing from you too. I see your posts and always see myself (pre-cutoff) echoed in your words and thoughts. A year out and things with H are hardly perfect, but they are definitely better. There are ups and downs. There have for sure been some really really wonderful periods of re-bonding which have been super special and give me hope. We do talk about things in terms of the future, so I keep that in mind anytime we have a tough period. I can’t expect him to heal on my terms or timeline. Overall I consider myself extremely grateful and so lucky that he is still with me after how I hurt him. He must love me very much to try and work past all this, and that’s a gift.

[Aloha123]

There’s one more point I want to elaborate about re the pain. Because it’s a very important one.

Breaking NC is NOT going to make the pain of not being able to be with him, the jealousy, the feeling neglected, it’s not going to make any of that pain go away. In fact, the reality of that intrinsic pain is what necessitated the NC to begin with.

So, the only semblance of hope i have for ever moving on from that underlying pain is to go through the pain of NC

[Abetterme]

Good for you. One thing that is helping me is the realization that the pain of not being able to be in an actual relationship with him, of always pining for him and being jealous of his wife and his marriage, of always wanting more, that pain WAS ALREADY THERE. And may always be there, but definitely always would have been for as long as things continued. That was never going to go away.

 

But, the pain of ending something, that is a pain that is more temporary, and one that you don't get "stuck" in, as compared to the first kind of pain, which was already there regardless. So it's not like I wasn't already in immense pain with the status quo. At least I feel like this is a more "productive" and healthier kind of pain, which hopefully will diminish over time (unlike the other kind which was actually getting WORSE as time went on)

 

@Aloha - I think you nailed a lot of it here. If you can focus on the pain that was never going to change (not being with him) and actually extricate yourself from the pain that you can (the push pull cycle) you start to see the light. Maybe it HAS become “bearable” to me in a sense because at 10 weeks in, more days than not I think of were how hurt the push/pull made me feel. I too was not normally jealous, but the A dynamic intensifies that. I didn’t even recognize the needy person I’d become. Knowing I’m not in that swirl has been amazing. You and Daisy are still in such early days. Continued defogging will bring you to those same moments of peace as you keep it going. One day longer is one day closer.

 

For me my pain now is so much more focused on my betrayal and that is what is unbearable.

[Abetterme]

Haha you see!! I post so infrequently I couldn’t even remember whose thread I had replied to. But I do try to chime in on NC threads since I have both been thru the struggle AND also reached the point of finding NC powerful. I want to give y’all a hug and remind you to keep pushing.

 

 

 

 

Awww, thank you love! It’s great hearing from you too. I see your posts and always see myself (pre-cutoff) echoed in your words and thoughts. A year out and things with H are hardly perfect, but they are definitely better. There are ups and downs. There have for sure been some really really wonderful periods of re-bonding which have been super special and give me hope. We do talk about things in terms of the future, so I keep that in mind anytime we have a tough period. I can’t expect him to heal on my terms or timeline. Overall I consider myself extremely grateful and so lucky that he is still with me after how I hurt him. He must love me very much to try and work past all this, and that’s a gift.

 

@Zba - Yes, this was the post I was referring to as well! Haha!. Every day I have a moment where I learn something about myself, or read something that allows me to take a breath and heal just a smidge. Your posts are just as such.

 

I’m glad to hear things are improving with your H. I have been doing a lot of reading just about relationships in general and once again I’m angry I didn’t have the foresight to do so before getting into my A. What it has reminded me is that all marriages have ebbs and flows, but it doesn’t mean that we are “out of love”. I hope most are smarter about handling these lows than we were to get into an A, but regardless it takes a lot of work and evolution as a person. I haven’t disclosed my A. I am seriously considering it, but I am taking today as another day to try and be a better partner and make myself stronger. Thank you again for sharing.

[ZBA]

I’m glad to hear things are improving with your H. I have been doing a lot of reading just about relationships in general and once again I’m angry I didn’t have the foresight to do so before getting into my A. What it has reminded me is that all marriages have ebbs and flows, but it doesn’t mean that we are “out of love”. I hope most are smarter about handling these lows than we were to get into an A, but regardless it takes a lot of work and evolution as a person. I haven’t disclosed my A. I am seriously considering it, but I am taking today as another day to try and be a better partner and make myself stronger. Thank you again for sharing.

 

Re: the ebbs and flows... YES. This, 1000000000000%. That is why affairs are so alluring... there’s no baggage, no real-life responsibility, no dealing with actual everyday issues and nuisances.

 

With this in mind - I don’t think I was ever really in love with XMM.

 

I have spent a lot of time reflecting on it all. Certainly I loved how he made me feel about myself. He always had some problem or another going on, and in a strange way that was attractive to me, bc being there for him made me feel needed. Useful.

 

However, I’ve realize that 1) it was insecurity about myself that made me feel “not needed” or inadequate in my M, and 2) it is not a bad thing to be WANTED rather than NEEDED. To want someone is a choice; you like that person and choose them. On the other hand, to need someone, for help, for validation, for things you can’t handle on your own... that’s desperation. Sadly, feeling needed kept me hooked for over 3 years.

 

You’re doing great, girl. May I ask what is holding you back from disclosing, other than the obvious turmoil and hurt it will bring about? Do you want to disclose, on some level?

 

For me, it was anything but a walk in the park, that my H now knows. But, it’s such a relief that the secrets are now over, and everything from this point forward is truly genuine.

[Abetterme]

@ZBA - Yes, you manage to communicate things that Id otherwise have a tough time writing myself. WANT vs NEED is at the crux of this for me looking back. It can be very overwhelming as a working mom with a high stress career, married to an equally driven H. I felt our household would fall to pieces if I didn’t keep putting everything in place. I didn’t deal with that pressure well and enter xMM validating that I was the superwoman I wanted to be and I just fell for it and got addicted beyond belief. It is embarrassing to think about now. I can remember his early love bombing (didn’t realize that was what it was called then) and I’d constantly call him out for being full or it, or blowinf him off etc and eventually I just dropped all my boundaries. To your point, it turned to NEED which also kept me hooked. My H and I had been married 6 yrs, together 10 at the time this started and I’ve realized now that our ebb didn’t mean he didn’t want me. It was just my ego lapping up a false “WANT”. F I am so mad at myself!!

 

As for disclosure, I have a list of why and why not a mile long. If I’m being totally honest, much of the why not is selfishly motivated and I’ll be bashed for it. I was a BS in my prior marriage and my family would be so disgraced by what I’ve done. My xHs betrayal destroyed them. I travel a lot for work and this won’t change because of my career and I don’t want him to be worried every time this is required when I am adopting correct boundaries for myself moving forward. I feel like it would create a lot of anguish for him that would be unnecessary. But the selfish part of that is saying a career change would be extremely challenging and a massive pay cut, so maybe it is a consequence of my choosing the A. I also know he will blame himself for being “absent” the last few years. It was not him, it was my horrible choices so if I know I’ll never make the same choices again and never had any desire to leave him even while in the A should I shoulder the burden? I also know my xMM poses no threat to my recovery. He could show up at my doorstep and I’d honestly just feel disgust. Literally I could go on and on about this and do with my therapist. We are still talking at length about it. I know my H deserves better, I know the risks. I just don’t know...

 

I don’t mean to theadjack Aloha, I guess talking some of this out is so eye opening because I am further out of the fog than I realized. I’d been trying so hard, some of the effort may actually be helping. I hope just being even a couple small steps farther along in NC, others can see this minor progress as hopeful. I know many of your spouses on thIs thread aren’t aware of your A either. I know a disclosure would prob change much of this NC battle. Mine maybe is no longer a NC battle but a battle with myself.

 

Once again, thank you for the thought provoking dialogue. Hugs!

Edited March 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Naivewomen]

@aloha!! Walking away at a time where he still wanted me gave me my power back. Eventhough it hurt like hell. They dont deserve our love!!! Leave and dont look back. He doesnt get you either!!! Value yourself more than he does. It gets lighter I'm 7 months out. Walk through the pain as everyone suggests their is some great advice here. Remember if you stay it will never get better only worse. Who are they to control our happiness.

[Aloha123]

In the interest of full disclosure, and recognizing that I am going to get a hard time, I want to give an update anyway.

 

I was truly going crazy trying not to contact mm, to the point where it was distracting me from being able to function. I was truly incapacitated with grief, and of course I was basically suffering in silence. So I caved on Saturday and sent him kind of a joking email about not contacting him for 2 weeks because I had lost my phone. And he responded with a simple "I love you". he is truly an expert at this game.

 

And I did feel some immediate relief. We picked up emailing back and forth without missing a beat. But something different happened. By the end of the day yesterday, and maybe because I have spent so much time on this forum during the intervening 2 weeks, he just truly started to seem like a lying, narcissistic. manipulating, pathetic loser.

 

But here's the problem, and why I have been so hesitant about NC. If you don't stick to it, which I knew I was probably not going to be able to, you end up looking like more of a fool than before, and have allowed him to further lower the bar in terms of what to expect from him. Because he basically now knows that I consider emails alone to be better than nothing (which is true!), seeing as my main issue leading to NC was that he could not even prioritize me enough to see me very often. (Not to mention recognizing the overall toxicity and dangerousness of the situation).

 

So anyway, that's my update. And I'm not proud of it. Although I do believe that speaking to him, after the longest period not speaking to him that I have ever gone, did give me some distance and a new understanding of how manipulative he was. And made me kind of look down on him (and actually, finally, feel some compassion for, rather than jealousy of, his wife) for the first time ever. It reminded me a little bit of when you eat gluten after being on a gluten-free diet, it can sometimes actually make you physically ill by introducing back in.

 

But, when you are trying to quit smoking, you should not let one cigarette derail you, nor should you let the fact that you eat one cookie when you are on a diet cause you to give in and eat the whole bag. Progress not perfection. (And no I am not looking forward to some of the responses to this update.)

[Aloha123]

One more point -- one of the hardest things i had to face during the NC period is that I have basically sabotaged and put my whole life as I know it at risk for such a dead-end, fleeting situation that is now ending and leaving me empty-handed (which is honestly always where I knew it would lead to, btw).

 

So ironically in my darkest hour the only way I can justify having done something so stupid as to risk sacrificing my marriage is to continue on with the thing/person that caused me to make such a stupid choice in the first palce. Because the damage has already been done and is irreversible. My marriage is probably over, either because I decide to get a divorce or because I get caught (which will 100% cause my husband to divorce me immediately). So I feel like I need to hold on to the mm because it's better than the nothing that I'm otherwise going to be left with. I've done the time, I might as well commit the crime - I believe that is the expression.

 

And yes these are all mental gymnastics, i do realize.

[Daisy1776]

But, when you are trying to quit smoking, you should not let one cigarette derail you, nor should you let the fact that you eat one cookie when you are on a diet cause you to give in and eat the whole bag. Progress not perfection. (And no I am not looking forward to some of the responses to this update.)

 

Aloha-Try not to beat yourself up too much. We are a work in progress. I identify with all you are saying.

 

Like I said in my post today I agreed to a friendship with my MM this weekend. Through his tears he claimed to not want to lose me in his life but he can't keep on with the physical stuff because it's not fair to either of us. While I agree I just don't know how he can think that will really work. I asked him to please just tell me he won't ever leave his wife for me I needed to hear those words but he said he won't say that. I know this is all most likely to keep me where he wants me. So when he's ready he can come back and I'll be waiting. But he is such a man's man and the tears just really confuse me.

 

Tomorrow will be another day....

[PhoenixRising8]

In the interest of full disclosure, and recognizing that I am going to get a hard time, I want to give an update anyway.

 

 

Sheesh, you're giving me anxiety. I don't know if I said on my thread that my MM in his message, in addition to that he misses me and wanted to be fair so told me he likely won't leave, that he wants to to actually talk and give me answers he thinks he owes me. Not that he wants to end the end. But he regrets hurting me. And yes, he loves me but personal circumstances with his family prevent him from leaving. He actually suggested dinner!

 

I've actually been toying with the idea today. I thought it might give me closure and I've been doing well except for Saturday. I had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to see him after 10 days of not speaking or seeing him. We've never gone this long without even talking. Everyone said he would contact me and I didn't believe it. Now reading your post I'm more confused. It might make me feel as you did. Or it might draw me in again. Wow they really know all the moves!

Edited March 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Aloha123]

I don;t know, it's not like it really worked or anything. It wasn't anything more than a very-short lived fix. I'm now just as depressed as I was during the NC, if not more so.

[PhoenixRising8]

Sounds like I should stop toying and just say no. Or better yet, no show.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I don;t know, it's not like it really worked or anything. It wasn't anything more than a very-short lived fix. I'm now just as depressed as I was during the NC, if not more so.

 

Girl, I told you! Lol.

 

No judgment here. I totally get it, unfortunately. There are times when I have contacted xMM for something work related I could have skipped, just because I couldn’t take it anymore. Then there are the times I really don’t want to see him, and I have to.

 

Using the smoking metaphor, doesn’t it take on average four or five tries before it finally sticks? Keep trying.

[Abetterme]

I don;t know, it's not like it really worked or anything. It wasn't anything more than a very-short lived fix. I'm now just as depressed as I was during the NC, if not more so.

 

@Aloha - Aw, I am sorry to see you’re hurting but I think you realized something important. Breaking NC does nothing positive for us. It really is about acceptance that the relationship will never happen and until you get to that place NC will be extremely painful and breaking it tempting. He is not the person that can help you through this time. Come here, go to your counselor, get with friends.

 

Set a new goal for 4 weeks and I think you need to tell him that you won’t be contacting him any further this time. The way you left it a couple weeks ago I know was an effort to ease your psyche into it, but it also gave you an excuse to break commitment to yourself and reach out to him.

 

I never thought I’d be saying this myself but the thought of contacting my xMM now after nearly 11 weeks is so different than 2 months ago. What do I even say to this person? He was an enemy to my marriage. I don’t want to be “friends” with him. Keep pushing for more weeks Aloha, you will realize this as well. He’s nothing special as much as the addiction is fooling you about that at the moment. Hugs my friend!

[PhoenixRising8]

@Aloha - Aw, I am sorry to see you’re hurting but I think you realized something important. Breaking NC does nothing positive for us. It really is about acceptance that the relationship will never happen and until you get to that place NC will be extremely painful and breaking it tempting. He is not the person that can help you through this time. Come here, go to your counselor, get with friends.

 

 

this really resonates with me as I have the option to meet up with MM on Thursday now to get answers. Given Aloha’s experience and your post I wonder what the point is other than to prolong the agony. Interestingly, I felt better as soon as I knew no meeting was happening tonight. Why do we do this to ourselves? Ignore out intuition and our better judgement for men who clearly don’t deserve it? I’ve never experienced this before in myself. I wonder if others feel the same.

[Aloha123]

this really resonates with me as I have the option to meet up with MM on Thursday now to get answers. Given Aloha’s experience and your post I wonder what the point is other than to prolong the agony. Interestingly, I felt better as soon as I knew no meeting was happening tonight.

 

First of all, I'm really impressed if you managed to resist the urge to go through with your meeting tonight. I'm not sure I could have been as strong. The only thing I have going for me is that my mm is far too lazy and occupied with his real life to even travel the 100 miles to see me very often. So without me "pushing" for that, I think the NC in terms of seeing him will basically take care of itself.

 

As far as the emails are concerned, today I strangely have no strong urge to email him, and I don't really care that much that i haven't heard from him yet today . Could it be that I am slowly getting him out of my system? Or that now that I finally see him and the situation for who he is, that it is losing a little bit of its appeal?

[Abetterme]

 

 

As far as the emails are concerned, today I strangely have no strong urge to email him, and I don't really care that much that i haven't heard from him yet today . Could it be that I am slowly getting him out of my system? Or that now that I finally see him and the situation for who he is, that it is losing a little bit of its appeal?

 

@Aloha - it’s because you’ve had your fix. Like a drug, you’re calm and feel slightly in “control”. The crash will happen.

 

@kat - I am really pulling for you and hope you can resist meeting him. Trust me, I know how incredibly incredibly tough it is but this cycle will not stop until you have the strength to do it.

 

Maybe you’ve seen me reference it in my other threads but xMM and I went through about 10 weeks of no contact last spring. I had to travel to his city for work and he showed up at an event with mutual friends and ambushed me. The highs were very high initially and I jumped in with both feet like a total fool (sadly I hadn’t discover LS yet). The next 6 months were the worst I have been through. I just don’t want to see either of you go through this again. Don’t do it.

 

Pulling for you girls!

[PhoenixRising8]

Thanks abetterme. I didn't meet with him tonight, in large part because he emailed around 2:30 to say something came up at work so he deferred to Thursday. Funny thing though, it was a relief and the anxiety just disappeared when the prospect of meeting him was gone.

[Daisy1776]

I know this isn't my thread but I highjacked it to report on my progress somewhere. LOL After my Sunday conversation where my MM cried and claimed he didn't want to lose me but he only wanted to be friends. I sent one text early Monday morning to which he instantly replied and I have not replied to or contacted him since and he hasn't contacted me. Four days is a VERY long time for me but, I'm slowly very, very slowly starting to realize that it's just not worth it.

 

If he truly loved me he wouldn't keep me waiting on the back burner until he needed me again. Plus I'm stubborn and if there is contact again it sure won't be on my part this time!

 

 

He took all my self-confidence and I'm slowly again starting to realize that's crap. I'm worth more then that. I admit I'm a work in progress and I may falter again if he contacts me but I feel like I'm almost at the top of the mountain and can almost see the other side to where it will be xMM instead of MM.

[Aloha123]

I sent one text early Monday morning to which he instantly replied and I have not replied to or contacted him since and he hasn't contacted me. Four days is a VERY long time for me but, I'm slowly very, very slowly starting to realize that it's just not worth it.

If he truly loved me he wouldn't keep me waiting on the back burner until he needed me again. Plus I'm stubborn and if there is contact again it sure won't be on my part this time! .

 

Something similar happened here, actually. After a few days of back and forth, I didn't hear from him at all on Tuesday, and then yesterday only once after I contacted him. I do think that doing the NC and then breaking it actually unfortunately kind of back-fired, and just lowered the bar in terms of him now calling my bluff and realizing he can get away without even emailing me that much. Plus he was pretty checked out to begin with which is half of what led to the NC. Because when I tried to go NC about 6 months ago he contacted me within days, whereas this time it lasted for 2 weeks and I was finally the one who broke down, not him

BUT, I think I can take advantage of this inertia (not to mention the obvious reality that he's "just not that into me anymore") to continue to get some distance. I am really hesitant to "announce" another period of NC because I will just look like even more of a pushover if (or, more likely, when) I contact him again. I feel so defeated, sigh.

Don't worry about hijacking my thread. We are in the same boat.

[Naivewomen]

@Aloha, the samething happened to me several NC's ago. I was always the first to break NC. However, in August I knew enough was enough. What was I going back too?? More sporadic validation emails and a once a month meet and greet. What more did he have to offer me?? Keep asking yourself those questions. Temporary validation?? Then as days went on I realized I would rather chew off my hand then type him an email. Stubborn as we both are he calls in December to tell me that he cant believe i moved on... Really?? The only thing I could rationalize was that he loved the chase of me. He was fully in control and I hated it!!! All he really missed was the thrill and excitement of the affair but NEVER shall his two worlds collide. Affairs for men are put into a box and never become part of their realities. We are ALL mislead.

[DKT3]

I have a genuine question. If there is no intentions on living authentically then why attempt NC? I once heard someone say women have the relationship they feel they deserve. I dont believe this is applicable in every case, but it is applicable in most affairs.

 

All you women are married, none of you seem to care about your marriage nor plan on changing so what exactly are you wanting? You wont get single so why not just accept the affairs for what they are two people lying and misleading one another. How is it that you can separate your actions and behavior from those of these men? Two people rowing the same boat in the same direction.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 you will never understand what drives a women. These married men know exactly what to say to pull us in... look at many OW/MW posters they feel like they need an exorcism to try understand. We are told lies YES but at the time and when you are in the affair you CAN NOT SEE this!! They know we are smarter than them amd if they admitted the truth that they wanted extra sex nobody woukd sign up for that!! They are mastermind manipulators something a single man cant hokd a candle too!!! Its really bizarre dynamics. They continue without you having a clue to chip and chip away and your own morals and values in life. I was sure a higher power sent him to me. I was sure it was fate and destiny. Prying on someones weakness to hear and seek out these things in life is CRUEL and horrific. Not sure how they can close their eyes and sleep at night. I have become a numb zombie from this trauma. I hope to save one soul.

[DKT3]

Hmm, so what your saying is once a man gets married he becomes a women whisperer?

 

Or, these amazing connection and the things you are willing to believe has everything to do with you and nothing to do with him. It's a hard concept to grasp because this makes you 100% responsible for the situation in which you find yourself

 

Truth is it's not terribly difficult to identify and target a willing woman married or not. Any confident semi perceptive man can do.

 

But you missed my point. You say you ended your affair because he wasn't going to leave his wife, but you had no plans to leave your marriage so why expect him to? Which leads to another point, I believe that often it isnt about leaving, truth is very few actually do. In most cases leaving is never really even considered. No, it's about winning. It's about him making you a priority above his wife. Just as many of you have done by prioritizing MM over your families.

 

I think its important to understand men are wired differently, and that simply isnt likely.

 

Question remains, why expect more then your willing to give. Why not just except what is offered, you are forcing your husband to, you are manipulative towards him, telling him what it takes to keep him married how are you different?