How long until NC becomes bearable?

[Naivewomen]

I dont get them!! Their happily married how can they have an EA and a PA and be happily married. This is what baffles me.

[Aloha123]

I dont get them!! Their happily married how can they have an EA and a PA and be happily married. This is what baffles me.

 

I used to actually ask my MM this all the time and he said he couldn't explain it either. I think the real answer is, they are narcissists who love the attention from as many women as possible (not to mention the extra sex on the side, obviously). If one is good, more is better. We were, at best, the icing on the cake.

[PhoenixRising8]

I just read your own thread again and TBH jealousy of mm's wife and their marriage overall (which even by his own accounts is pretty good) is what I finally felt like I could no longer tolerate. I tried not to give him a hard time about it (because if he did one thing right it was to set my expectations properly from the beginning that he was happily married and had no desire to leave), but it was eating away at me, and I just could not take being put on the backburner to that situation any longer. It was making me feel so bad about myself, and like a complete fool.

 

Funny about the jealousy...I gave no heed to his wife. Didn’t feel jealous at all. His marriage was loveless and lifeless according to him. Then he told her and the kids he wanted a divorce but backtracked due to guilt. I started to get jealous at that point, maybe because instinctively I knew the future we planned hinged on her. The jealousy really does eat away because he goes home to her, he spends holidays and special occasions with her, he does mundane chores with her, he vacations with her. And why shouldn’t he? She’s his wife and she has the power.

 

Be thankful at least your MM never set up false expectations. It’s a roller coaster ride this thing called an affair. It’s a mega ride when you get sold a bill of goods.

[Daisy1776]

Alhoa - I am suppose to be calling him this weekend I keep telling myself it's for closure. One last call to get him to answer some questions "honestly" I know I'm kidding myself. As I sit here typing I wonder am I strong enough to not make that call. Let him sit there thinking I will be calling...but then will he even care.

 

I have started IC this month for many reasons. I'm hoping it will help but tbh my first session left me feeling worse then when I arrived.

[Aloha123]

The jealousy really does eat away because he goes home to her, he spends holidays and special occasions with her, he does mundane chores with her, he vacations with her. And why shouldn’t he? She’s his wife and she has the power. .

 

The only thing that allowed me to keep any semblance of sanity around this issue was to constantly remind myself that they have every RIGHT to be doing those things together seeing as they are married!

[Aloha123]

 

Be thankful at least your MM never set up false expectations. .

 

Believe me, I had this exact thought every single time I read your thread.

[Daisy1776]

Funny about the jealousy...I gave no heed to his wife. Didn’t feel jealous at all. His marriage was loveless and lifeless according to him. Then he told her and the kids he wanted a divorce but backtracked due to guilt. I started to get jealous at that point, maybe because instinctively I knew the future we planned hinged on her. The jealousy really does eat away because he goes home to her, he spends holidays and special occasions with her, he does mundane chores with her, he vacations with her. And why shouldn’t he? She’s his wife and she has the power.

 

Be thankful at least your MM never set up false expectations. It’s a roller coaster ride this thing called an affair. It’s a mega ride when you get sold a bill of goods.

 

The worst part about the jealousy for me is that I'm am not usually a jealous person this has brought out a horrible side of my personality I never want to see again.

[Aloha123]

Alhoa - I am suppose to be calling him this weekend I keep telling myself it's for closure. One last call to get him to answer some questions "honestly" I know I'm kidding myself.

 

I know that people on this forum say seeking closure is just an excuse trying to draw things out, but my last phone call with MM really did provide some sense of, ok, we are closing this chapter of our lives. He said many very nice things (that I was everything he would ever want in a woman, that we would be married in a heartbeat in another lifetime, etc. etc.), which even if he was being completely phony or trying to let me down easily, I still took to heart and it provided some degree of solace.

And of course, I had the opportunity to really be honest for once about the ways in which I was frustrated with the whole situation (because I was such a doormat that I never really had spoken up for myself or expressed any sort of expectations whatsoever).

But he said one thing that really stuck with me, which is that he concluded all of his nice sentiments with, "but at the end of the day, you're just not mine" And boy did that stick with me.

I also think LiliKat seems to have gotten quite a bit of closure by finally "letting loose" on her MM with all of the things she had been holding back on.

So I do believe in some form of limited closure, as long as you are truly ready for it, and are prepared to face the reality of the situation.

Edited February 28, 2019 by Aloha123

[PhoenixRising8]

I know that people on this forum say seeking closure is just an excuse trying to draw things out, but my last phone call with MM really did provide some sense of, ok, we are closing this chapter of our lives. He said many very nice things (that I was everything he would ever want in a woman, that we would be married in a heartbeat in another lifetime, etc. etc.), which even if he was being completely phony or trying to let me down easily, I still took to heart and it provided some degree of solace.

And of course, I had the opportunity to really be honest for once about the ways in which I was frustrated with the whole situation (because I was such a doormat that I never really had spoken up for myself or expressed any sort of expectations whatsoever).

But he said one thing that really stuck with me, which is that he concluded all of his nice sentiments with, "but at the end of the day, you're just not mine" And boy did that stick with me.

I also think LiliKat seems to have gotten quite a bit of closure by finally "letting lose" on her MM with all of the things she had been holding back on.

So I do believe in some form of limited closure, as long as you are truly ready for it, and are prepared to face the reality of the situation.

 

Your MM at least gave you the courtesy of a call. My exchange happened over text!!! And the man that made promises of a beautiful future sent dispassionate texts to boot. Nothing like you truly are the woman I love and I wish things were different. Instead I basically got well you asked me to man up so yeah you’re probably right, I likely won’t be able to end my marriage after all. I guess if he can tell the mother of his children he doesn’t love her over text and ditch her on the evening/night of her birthday why should I have expected better?

 

Mine is really a prize, isn’t he? If he’d at least had a conversation and shown some compassion I might not feel like such a naive stupid old fool.

[Aloha123]

Your MM at least gave you the courtesy of a call. My exchange happened over text!!! .

 

Oh no, to be clear, we almost never spoke on the phone (let alone saw each other in person). We actually had been emailing about something else (he was complaining ad nauseum about a fight he and his wife were in because she had been flirting with somebody else at a party, if you can believe the nerve and hypocracy!). Anyway, he was so worked up about it he got sick of typing and so called me.

 

So after listening to him drone on and on about that situation, I said to myself, you know what, I don't think I can put up with this nonsense anymore. So I told him I was always trying to figure out whether it was time to take a break. And he said, yeah I don't see myself being able to see you for a little while with everything going on in my life. And I said, well, there's the answer to my question. And while we're at it let's not email for a while either because what's the point of that. And I got the whole, what do you mean, that's not what I meant, you're my best friend, there's no way I'm never seeing you again, etc. All of the standard BS trying to leave me open as an option.

 

But since then, there's been radio silence from both of our ends, so I really think things have run their course. In fact, when I described the call to my best friend, she said, um, it sounds like he basically broke up with you but wanted to make it seem like it was you so that he didn't feel bad about it.

 

So, even though it was done under the auspices of taking a "break", I'm thinking that the break is an indefinite one, if not a permanent one, and I certainly am trying to use this as an opportunity for full-on NC and to break away for good. But in those first few days I could only handle it if I told myself it was a break.

 

And yes, I am guilty in this reply of obsessing completely about him and the affair and all of the drama, which I know is counter-productive and enabling, and what I always specifically encouraged you to move away from in your own thread, but sometimes we need to get this stuff off of our chest, plus I wanted to provide a little context.

Edited February 28, 2019 by Aloha123

[NotADayGoesBy]

Alhoa - I am suppose to be calling him this weekend I keep telling myself it's for closure. One last call to get him to answer some questions "honestly" I know I'm kidding myself.

 

I'm convinced there is rarely such a thing as closure--that it's a myth. It may feel like closure for a day or two, but then there will always be more questions and wanting more answers.

[Bittersweetie]

I dont get them!! Their happily married how can they have an EA and a PA and be happily married. This is what baffles me.

 

FWIW, I was happily married when I had my A. I did have some needs that were not being met...but I didn't fully articulate them to my H, so he couldn't address them. Then I took the fact that he wasn't addressing my needs and rewrote the history of us to make him a subpar husband and make myself someone who deserved more. And my mental gymnastics just escalated from there. So, the issue was with ME, not my marriage or my husband. Because the reality is, it's the wayward spouse who makes the choice to cheat, regardless of what kind of marriage it is. The responsibility of an affair is solely on the WS, and that is the person with issues.

[Naivewomen]

I had closure!! I apologized for being so emotionally invested and he apologized for hurting me. Because Mr. Noble would take all of my pain if he could!! He never meant to hurt me. We ended on a very pleasant peaceful note. But apparently that wasnt good enough it gh as he shows up a month later to say hi. No further discussion just a hi!! Maybe he thought his appearance would make me fall to my knees and beg for the crumbs again. He reiterated as he cares very much for his wife hes still not happy. In the same breath, he says but I am never leaving her. It was almost comical that I even entertained this. I said I understand!!! I actually left laughing. It was such a weak attempt to see if I still wanted him. I wished him well and for the first time I felt like I had my power back!! I have nothing further to say to him. I really wish him peace and happiness I'm not bitter. His wife and children deserve a normal life. And so does my family. However the miss is still very present!! There has not been one day I have had peace with this yet. It's a constant reminder of the end. Everyday I realize how disposable I was. Not a great place mentally still.

[Naivewomen]

@bittersweet. All the MM mentioned on this thread dont seem to have any issues with their marriages either. So how is it the person who has the issues. They want to simply have fun!! For a happily married man it's not a big issue really. They stop and return to their wives 100%. No real issue there!

[FMW]

Hey, I didn't get a call OR a text. I got ghosted!

 

Then three months later I ran into him for the first time out with his new OW and apparently as soon as he left her for the evening he texted me to ask if he could come over.

 

So I'm thinking I win the most humiliating prize!

 

That pretty much gave me all the closure I needed.

[Aloha123]

 

So I'm thinking I win the most humiliating prize!

 

That pretty much gave me all the closure I needed.

 

haha!. Yeah but the "nice" break-up is a mixed bag, because it prevents me from feeling as angry and rejected as I probably should in order to move on.

[Abetterme]

FWIW, I was happily married when I had my A. I did have some needs that were not being met...but I didn't fully articulate them to my H, so he couldn't address them. Then I took the fact that he wasn't addressing my needs and rewrote the history of us to make him a subpar husband and make myself someone who deserved more. And my mental gymnastics just escalated from there. So, the issue was with ME, not my marriage or my husband. Because the reality is, it's the wayward spouse who makes the choice to cheat, regardless of what kind of marriage it is. The responsibility of an affair is solely on the WS, and that is the person with issues.

 

Wow, this was definitely me without the rewriting of him being a subpar husband. He did nothing wrong ever, obviously very very busy with work and school and our young child but it was OUR responsibility to communicate about it. Instead inch by inch I sought connection elsewhere. That my husband is such a good man who I never fell out of love with, makes my betrayal even more mind numbing to process.

 

Aloha - I know your marriage is challenging, you have some decisions to make on that front. One of the things that has also helped me is reconnecting with my same sex friends. I had neglected them, in addition to my marriage, and I’d forgotten how gratifying having women to lift you up can be. It makes me angry I wasn’t more proactive about seeking out that support years ago when I was maybe feeling a bit disconnected from my H and started bonding with xAP.

 

It has just validated that this man really has nothing to do with my happiness and had no right being let into my life. He wasn’t a safe person. I am responsible for communicating with the people in my life who are genuine and support our marriage. Get out there with your girlfriends & laugh! I actually made a list at the start of the year of friends that I wanted to reconnect with and I try to call or get together with one a week. It’s been really positive for me in so many ways.

 

I’m trying to be calm when I have a really bad day like yesterday and remember it will be pass, but he offers nothing in the way of helping me through that. Thinking of you hun!

[PhoenixRising8]

Oh no, to be clear, we almost never spoke on the phone (let alone saw each other in person). We actually had been emailing about something else (he was complaining ad nauseum about a fight he and his wife were in because she had been flirting with somebody else at a party, if you can believe the nerve and hypocracy!). Anyway, he was so worked up about it he got sick of typing and so called me.

.

 

At least you had a live conversation, regardless. And he said nice things to you. And he was honest with you. You chose a better man than I did. Mine after almost a year of me being "the love of his life", seeing me 4, 5, and 6 times a week and promising he was leaving his wife told me in the most dispassionate manner possible that he likely couldn't leave his wife. Ignored most of my questions and responded with some stupid line like what was the point since I obviously have some strong negative feelings about him. Gee, I wonder why.

[ZBA]

If you are an OW who successfully ended an A by implementing NC with the MM, how long did it take for you to start to feel better rather than worse?

 

Hi Aloha... first of all congratulations on making the decision that’s harder in the short term, but completely worthwhile in the long run. It isn’t easy by any measure. So please be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you’re investing toward your own well being, even though it may feel like the opposite right now.

 

I’m not a super frequent poster, but I detailed my NC experience at length in one of my most recent posts, in case that helps to read.

 

XMM and I went through several cycles of NC. By the last cycle, I knew we were done. It was still gut-wrenching AF, but I finally reached that point where I could keep doing this and stay in no man’s land, or reclaim my dignity and speak with my actions by walking away. I chose the latter.

 

No preachiness from me on seeking closure. I created my own by seeing him one last time before cutting him off. It helped. That said, there will be things I will never get closure or answers on, and aspects of our A that will hurt should they come up in my thoughts. I think that “closure” is learning to be okay with that. For me, seeing XMM one last time was a way to accept letting him go and saying a silent goodbye.

 

The first day of NC sucked. Something negative happened in my day and all I wanted was to use it as an excuse to reach out. Everything in me wanted to resist this change and seek comfort in knowing he was still within reach.

 

Time went by. Initial weeks sucked. It was very hard for a few months. All the “firsts” without him hurt. He started dating someone new immediately (he and his W are separated) and that hurt even more.

 

The one friend of mine who knows about him told me to not look at it as forever, but as a break for a year. That he hurt me so badly, I was taking a breather for a year. That after that, I could revisit and check back in if I wanted to. See if things had changed, if maybe we’re headed in the same direction after some REAL time apart. That helped, because forever can feel so... heavy.

 

Well, guess what? In a month it will be a year. The idea of contacting him feels laughable. I feel so much better now, finally. I don’t want him anymore and my life feels so liberated from the drama that came with being involved with him. I promise you, really PROMISE, you will get there. You just have to really stand behind your decision. I would say about halfway thru this almost-year of NC is when I started feeling positive again. Now, I’m just trying to deal with processing how I let all of that go on for 3.5 years. I think the honest truth is that it gets better, and easier, but in some ways healing is ongoing. Like any addiction, right?

 

I was a true addict, Aloha. Couldn’t even bring myself to refer to him as “XMM” because that label felt so generic and I wanted to believe we were different. It also would mean admitting he was in my past. If I can do it, you can <3 Keep posting, keep finding new ways of support. I started a new hobby I’m now very passionate about. Never would have happened had I kept saving stolen moments for XMM!

[Bittersweetie]

@bittersweet. All the MM mentioned on this thread dont seem to have any issues with their marriages either. So how is it the person who has the issues. They want to simply have fun!! For a happily married man it's not a big issue really. They stop and return to their wives 100%. No real issue there!

 

I disagree, it is an issue. It's an issue of disrespecting the marriage and the wife. Just like you and I disrespected our marriage and our husbands. Maybe the reasons you, me, or MM made the choice to have an affair are different...but the responsibility is on the WS. It is a WS issue.

 

My point being...this is why we need to focus on ourselves and our own healing. Because we will never know why or understand the reasons of the MM/OM...all we can control is ourselves and our healing. This is why I recommend not focusing on the xMM. I know it's hard...I've done it in order to escape from examining myself. I think focusing on the xMM lengthens the time until NC becomes bearable, but that's just in my experience.

[Aloha123]

I’m not a super frequent poster, but I detailed my NC experience at length in one of my most recent posts, in case that helps to read.

 

Haha your detailed NC experience was actually in response to another thread about NC I started a few months ago (I can see now that I was laying the groundwork, have been mulling this over for months, and I am so happy that I was not just spinning my wheels but actually took action).

 

Anyway, here is the link to that entire thread because it might be helpful to others reading this current thread. And yes ZBA, I would agree that if you could do it, anyone can!

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/other-man-woman/673319-post-your-nc-success-stories-here

[Abetterme]

I was a true addict, Aloha. Couldn’t even bring myself to refer to him as “XMM” because that label felt so generic and I wanted to believe we were different. It also would mean admitting he was in my past. If I can do it, you can <3 Keep posting, keep finding new ways of support. I started a new hobby I’m now very passionate about. Never would have happened had I kept saving stolen moments for XMM!

 

@ZBA - I love your posts! You had another on one of Alohas earlier threads that I go back to often.

 

It is so great hearing about your peace about xMM. Not to threadack but can I ask, how is your relationship with your H nearly a year out of NC?

[Daisy1776]

I just wanted to thank you for starting this thread. Reading the replies and your replies that ensued were so helpful to me. It helps me to know that someone out there (several someone's actually LOL) have gone through or are going through the exact same emotions as I am.

 

I have decided that I do still need to make that one last phone call this weekend. But thanks to you all I have decided that I don't need answers to my questions (should he actually answer) I just need to say goodbye and wish him well and then pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I have no doubts it will be hard, but the sun will rise, the seasons will changes and my life will go on.

 

Aloha - I wish you the best stay strong with the NC!

[Aloha123]

 

I have decided that I do still need to make that one last phone call this weekend. But thanks to you all I have decided that I don't need answers to my questions (should he actually answer) I just need to say goodbye and wish him well and then pick up the pieces of my life and move on. I have no doubts it will be hard, but the sun will rise, the seasons will changes and my life will go on.

 

Good for you. One thing that is helping me is the realization that the pain of not being able to be in an actual relationship with him, of always pining for him and being jealous of his wife and his marriage, of always wanting more, that pain WAS ALREADY THERE. And may always be there, but definitely always would have been for as long as things continued. That was never going to go away.

 

But, the pain of ending something, that is a pain that is more temporary, and one that you don't get "stuck" in, as compared to the first kind of pain, which was already there regardless. So it's not like I wasn't already in immense pain with the status quo. At least I feel like this is a more "productive" and healthier kind of pain, which hopefully will diminish over time (unlike the other kind which was actually getting WORSE as time went on)

[Aloha123]

Also, there are a lot of good NC books on amazon -- I been reading them obsessively on my iphone kindle app (since I am now completely addicted to my phone as i spent the past 2 years literally glued to it waiting for the next email/"fix", I am finding reading self-help books on my kindle is serving as a good "replacement" activity.

 

Oh yeah, and I keep a link to this forum in my email inbox as well, lol