DKT3 Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 Your welcome, I hope I can help. I did not cope well at all for a long time because it was very emotional for me, I was crazy about him, we knew we couldn’t let it happen again and thank goodness we were both strong, all though we did come close a couple of times afterwards and we did do some sexting here and there but we knew how much was at risk. We officially ended it. I will honestly say I don’t regret it and that one time was worth it for me. I’m sure I’ll get shafted here for that but just being honest. No, we won’t go there again. I’m out of the fog completely and see very clearly now and I do not ever want to go thru those emotions again. My heart was literally aching for months, my blood pressure went up, I had severe anxiety, especially when I was around him. No way, I can’t and won’t put myself through that, I also don’t want to be that person and I don’t want to do that to my marriage. I’ve always been a good honest person with good qualities. I still can’t believe sometimes that it even happened. Him and I have moved on from it and we’re friends at work. I’ll always have a thing for him, my feelings just aren’t as strong anymore but it took a long time to there. I'm guessing from this your husband is unaware. There is a real danger in romanticizing something that hold such great power of destruction, not to mention your willingness to maintain the relationship in any form. TJ over, sorry. 1
Ronni_W Posted February 3, 2019 Posted February 3, 2019 My point is having the ability to separate sex and love doesn't mean you can handle the fallout of betraying your spouse. I think that we do agree on this, DKT3. I was saying that since OP is not yet divorced, he may not see his situation as being the same as a person who is divorced yet still feels guilty. (If that clears it up?)
Turning point Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 It means I would like to stop my guilt and this proposition before it gets more out of hand but haven't had the opportunity to do so yet. I see. Is there a manager or someone else you need to discuss this with first? Who exactly is in charge of your life altering decisions? 2
Author ConflictedMan Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 I see. Is there a manager or someone else you need to discuss this with first? Who exactly is in charge of your life altering decisions? It's a matter of discussing the matter with the coworker and shutting things down. The plan is to do it tomorrow.
Mr. Lucky Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 The plan is to do it tomorrow. The more detailed and wordy you try and be in your explanation, the more potential there is to leave some door open. "I've thought about it and no, wouldn't be good for either of us" would suffice... Mr. Lucky 1
Turning point Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 It's a matter of discussing the matter with the coworker and shutting things down. The plan is to do it tomorrow. Discussion? This does not require a forum; and "Shutting things down" is what you do when you want to close a nuclear power plant. All you need to do is say: "No." 3
Turning point Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Why do you word things like you don’t have a say - YOU DO! Because he's as phony as a $3 bill. Tomorrow he'll be telling us "the discussion didn't go quite as I had planned. 2
Arieswoman Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 "Shutting things down" is what you do when you want to close a nuclear power plant. :laugh:
Mrs._December Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Logically, this makes perfect sense to me. Emotionally, I'm having a hard time reconciling this with the actions I've been taking so far. Come on, now. It's not 'emotions' you're wrestling with. It's lust. 1
Mrs._December Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 ^^^ when my MM was grooming me, I asked him, “why would you want to cheat on your wife”? I did try to get him to to think twice about what he was doing, he told me he was bored in his marriage. That's why a lot of them do it. Their 'boredom' isn't because their spouse is boring so much as it's a lust for sexual VARIETY. Their wives can swing from the chandelier and dress any way they like, but in the end, you can't change into someone else. And for a lot of cheaters, it's simply the variety they want. Like the OP in this thread. He's simply lusting for someone else because she's someone ELSE other than his wife.
NotCamelot Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 If you go through with it, I can guarantee you are headed for disaster. It's funny, just last night, our neighbor showed up at our front door really upset about an email that her husband's co-worker had just sent to her. The email was a forward of the email this woman received from our neighbor's husband. In that mail, the two of them had worked out a "secret" hotel stay. They always find out. And, like others have said, what if it were your wife doing this? You said you wife cannot "separate love and sex". What will you do when your wife finds out? 1
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Come on, now. It's not 'emotions' you're wrestling with. It's lust. Totally. That's why a lot of them do it. Their 'boredom' isn't because their spouse is boring so much as it's a lust for sexual VARIETY. Their wives can swing from the chandelier and dress any way they like, but in the end, you can't change into someone else. He's simply lusting for someone else because she's someone ELSE other than his wife. Because admittedly, his marriage is great and his wife isn’t all that bad... OP hasn’t even bothered to try and convince us that the other woman is beautiful, or that they have this great “connection...” Her best feature is apparently that she is willing and available. 2
Tamfana Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 It means I would like to stop my guilt and this proposition before it gets more out of hand but haven't had the opportunity to do so yet. Then stop it. Say no to her and to yourself and move on. Do you have control over yourself and the choices you make? 1
Turning point Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 If you go through with it, I can guarantee you are headed for disaster. It's funny, just last night, our neighbor showed up at our front door really upset about an email that her husband's co-worker had just sent to her. The email was a forward of the email this woman received from our neighbor's husband. In that mail, the two of them had worked out a "secret" hotel stay. ^^^this is why he speaks in the third person. Because his secret plans alone are enough to destroy him and the OW has his buggy by the ball joints. Maybe it's her control he gets off on? It's also not lust he struggles with - it's entitlement. He feels he deserves this which is why it's a simple cost-benefit analysis. His wife and children don't deserve anything of what is about to happen to them - but, this is all about him. 1
CantGetEnuff Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 OP, I've been down the road you're considering taking. Trust me man, it's not worth it. You screw up the way you think about things. It gets worse and worse. No matter how smart or rational a person you are, it becomes all-consuming. And that's just how it affects you. It puts your whole life at risk, especially your wife and kids (if any). And anika's summary post was RIGHT ON. I swear, I mean RIGHT ON. It is going to blow up. I had a few affairs, and a few ended neatly but most of them, geez that's exactly what happened. She described all the phases so well. Yes it's exciting at first. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. The thrill is just almost impossible to describe. BUT...it's temporary. The wall close in faster than you would think. So give this woman a hard pass, man. Do it for your wife, or hell do it for yourself, but do it. 1
Author ConflictedMan Posted February 4, 2019 Author Posted February 4, 2019 Thank all for all your input. Especially Anika who painted a pretty realistic picture of what would happen. I ended up turning down the proposal and having a conversation about where this was heading and the hurt that would soon follow. Luckily, she was in agreement that this was a bad idea and we stopped it before things got out of hand. I don't believe she fully thought through the impact to her family either. The discussion is raw but I can already sense an effect on everyday interactions. I imagine the damage would be far, far worse had we actually gone through with it and subsequently had a falling out or discovery. 4
Turning point Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Good for you. The hard part will be tomorrow, when you have to say 'no' all over again. Then each day for as long as it takes...
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2019 Posted February 4, 2019 Thank all for all your input. Especially Anika who painted a pretty realistic picture of what would happen. I ended up turning down the proposal and having a conversation about where this was heading and the hurt that would soon follow. Luckily, she was in agreement that this was a bad idea and we stopped it before things got out of hand. I don't believe she fully thought through the impact to her family either. The discussion is raw but I can already sense an effect on everyday interactions. I imagine the damage would be far, far worse had we actually gone through with it and subsequently had a falling out or discovery. It sounds like sanity has prevailed, at least for now...
stillafool Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 Thank all for all your input. Especially Anika who painted a pretty realistic picture of what would happen. I ended up turning down the proposal and having a conversation about where this was heading and the hurt that would soon follow. Luckily, she was in agreement that this was a bad idea and we stopped it before things got out of hand. I don't believe she fully thought through the impact to her family either. The discussion is raw but I can already sense an effect on everyday interactions. I imagine the damage would be far, far worse had we actually gone through with it and subsequently had a falling out or discovery. She really wasn't in agreement but felt rejected so went along with it to save face. You did yourself a huge favor because the fallout (and make no mistake there would be one) would not be worth a few hours of maybe hot sex.
Killerqueen-19 Posted February 5, 2019 Posted February 5, 2019 I read this whole thread so I could form the right words. I see that you told the other woman no which I am glad you chose that path even though I cant help but still feel you still would have rathered everyones opinion to be different. Honestly if I was your wife and I found this thread of you merely considering cheating because you can "separate sex from love" would be enough for me to kick you to the curb. In your first post you mentioned you said you didn't think she could separate the two...that should have been you're answer...if it would hurt her then the answer is NO. Be the man you should be and make your sex life with your WIFE better so you dont have to stray. 4
NotADayGoesBy Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) Just in case you start to change your mind, here is my story, which is much like treehugger’s (hi treehugger!) Like you, I have a good marriage and a good spouse so the usual reasons don’t apply to me for having an affair, much like you. You didn’t pull the trigger, but you came close enough that it would really benefit you and your marriage to figure out why you came this close. It’s not a fun process, but now that youÂ’ve had a taste of the excitement, you are vulnerable to it happening again if you don’t figure out why. You want to know what the aftermath is like? Absolute hell. I only had one physical encounter with my AP, so it was mostly emotional and honestly that in and if itself was enough to do all the damage. I have spent months trying to get over this person and I’m still no closer than I was in the beginning. And like you, I work with them. It is a nightmare. Apparently I can not separate sex from emotions which is why I am miserable. But honestly, I would be going out of my mind anyway because of the lust I have for this man. Is he that hot? Nope, H is hotter. But like everyone has already mentioned, itÂ’s addictive and it’s lust on steroids. I have no way to articulate to you how intense, addictive and seductive it is. How seductive? I consider myself lucky that he dumped me (he already had an OW. Oh the irony!) because much to my intense shame, I will admit I would have been powerless to stop myself from getting more if he had offered it. So, you dodged a bullet. Consider yourself lucky. Oh, and btw I did not get caught. But I know I would have if it had continued longer than the four months it lasted. Oh, and the poster who said you have no control over if anyone finds out? Well, my xOM Other woman has NO idea I know about their A. She swore him to secrecy (so he didn’t tell me who, just that he was already in an A) but I figured it out. We live in a VERY small town and if I had wanted to, I could have ruined her life and reputation by telling just one gossipy person and it would have been all over. Edited February 6, 2019 by NotADayGoesBy Typos
Author ConflictedMan Posted February 6, 2019 Author Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) . , It's helpful to see things from the perspective of someone that has gone through this. I'm glad I cut things off before there was a PA but I do miss the more friendly interactions I used to have with MW at the office. I wonder if for her it's an EA and I'm beginning to question whether it's possible it is for me as well. I don't pine for MW but do enjoy her company. The recent events created distance between us (which is a good thing) but I'm beginning to question if she's in your shoes now. FWIW, we both have what would otherwise be good marriages. Neither of us has ever complained about our spouses or any material issues. Edited February 6, 2019 by ConflictedMan No need to quote
Tamfana Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 Maybe direct the flirting toward your wife. Play and flirt with her. As they say, a couple that plays together, stays together. (Do they say that? "They" should if they don't.) 3
Turning point Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 I wonder if for her it's an EA and I'm beginning to question whether it's possible it is for me as well. When was the last time you 'unemotionally' had sex? Extramarital affairs are not porn - the notion that we can separate real sex from love is a lie we tell ourselves to overcome our inhibitions. 1
treehugger12 Posted February 6, 2019 Posted February 6, 2019 (edited) Just in case you start to change your mind, here is my story, which is much like treehugger’s (hi treehugger!)<snip> Hi NADGB, I hope your doing well and your heart is healing. Very well said in your post. Exactly how it was for me. My heart is healed 95% but sometimes still aches a little the other 5% but its been over a year of the healing progress. OP most certainly dodged a bullet and probably for the other woman. She probably has little to no idea what she was headed for like us when we had entered the fog and was too late. OP I'm so relieved to hear you are taking all the posters advice given to you to heart. Good luck to you and stay away from the affair fog. Edited February 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote
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