Timshel Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Some people really do think being single is great. I've only ever had one LTR, I don't want another one. Well of course he could take it or leave it, he's 12. It's fine my son is interested in girls...but mom wants the grades. Girls can wait, but it's cute anyway. I believe you littleblackheart, you don't want/need. What's confusing, nothing. You can take it or leave it and people thinking that this disposition is not genuine are simply limited in their own view...I understand. The point to the OP is that some people are genuinely and sincerely cool without a partner. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I believe you littleblackheart, you don't want/need. What's confusing, nothing. You can take it or leave it and people thinking that this disposition is not genuine are simply limited in their own view. Right. The point I was making is that he feels social pressure to have a gf already - this idea that being a couple is more socially 'acceptable' starts young, which makes no sense to me. Why would having a gf at 12 years of age add to your social value? I don't want to pressure him either way so I let it be, but I still try to make the point that he should do whatever feels right to him, not what is socially acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Agree, this is mom realm and possible thread jacking. Short and sweet...keep the line of communication open always and you already know that. You are the parent. Our goal is to teach them to be capable/competent/safe without us. Being 12 with a gf is a hard no for myself, I don't care what is cute for his peers. Reason: School work and because I said so. If you haven't had the talk about sex yet, this would be a good time. Give him charts/graphs and stats regarding pregnancy and stds. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Being 12 with a gf is a hard no for myself, I don't care what is cute for his peers. Reason: School work and because I said so. It's a relationship on paper only - they don't actually see each other at all, on account of the fact that they are 12 so I have zero concerns on that front. Peers don't come into it, his mental well being does. He feels more accepted that way, so be it. He's in an all-boy selective school so academics is no issue at all, we have that covered. It'll be a different ball game when he's 15, no doubt. I feel like we somewhat got distracted from the main point, which is the social pressure that comes with being in a relationship or not. I'm sure you do great with your kid . Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 I’m in my almost late 30’s, I’m at that point in my life that I want a man, I want someone. I’m sick of ppl telling me that I don’t need a man to make me happy. I know what makes me happy and that is having someone in my life. So why do ppl believe that lie that being single is great when it’s not??? What to make me feel better???? Reality check. Almost 40 is too old for a single woman . I want someone to come home to, cuddle, kiss, hold hands. We all need human affection not dumb affection from family members because they don’t count!!! Hobbies don’t make me happy. I’m not going to immerse myself with arts and crafts or photography and believe that I’m happy when I’m not. I want someone. And having a man will cure that loneliness. Because at the end of the day I’m sleeping in my bed alone. Can anyone understand my point of view? I like being single, I like being in a relationship more. I'm a guy by the way, I understand what your frustrations are for, I'd love to find someone again, go out, have fun, kiss, cuddle, all that romantic stuff, However, it seems that I'm no longer a viable option for most women, i.e. "not enough". If you're that serious about dating and finding someone to come to, Lowering your standards could prove to be quite the zoo, But if you're persistent and you flirt with most of the guys around you, You'd find that you have more options than you think that you could woo. In fact, you could broaden your range with an online dating app or two. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MeadowFlower Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 I pretty much agree with you OP. ? Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 I've experienced both situations so I think I can contribute. I'm 5'4 and around 125lbs but I've been over 200lbs for 2 years. What can I say, I still attracted men when I was fat, but probably specific men who are into chubby women. Now I don't feel my weight is an issue in attracting any men. Quite the contrary, it helps a lot, almost every men I meet says how my body is perfect. If only they knew. It's a little sickening, I don't like men who over-focus on looks, but that's the reality of our society, I think most men do specially on the body HappyLemming, I recommend her niece does sleeve gastric surgery. Someone in my family did it and they are size 2 now and happily dating. I can agree with this as well. I went through some physical changes, and men treat me very differently. I wasnt obese, but i had a body type thats not conventionally attractive. Sure, some guys would find my face attractive but not my body. I was attracting a very niche group of men. I didn't realize how bad it was until I experienced life on the other side. Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted February 19, 2019 Share Posted February 19, 2019 I am single and happy. I feel lonely at times but not to the point I need a man. I want more for myself and in this life and will not settle for less. I'd rather wait and let love fine me naturally then go out and search for it. A man doesn't make you happy at all. Infact, if you are not completely happy on your own, then a relationship will only make you feel more insecure. The connection will not be genuine. I don't find a lot of satisfaction in hobbies, I more so kill time between family and work, but thats because I have goals I am working towards. Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I am single and happy. I feel lonely at times but not to the point I need a man. I want more for myself and in this life and will not settle for less. You sound like my sister. She says the same thing but it's clear that she wants to meet a guy more than anything in the world but when she does get a guy "on the hook" she goes overboard with texts and calls and clingy behavior right from the get-go and invariably chases him away. Then she says "well if he won't be there for me the way I need him to be I'd rather be alone". Listening to how she pressures these guys as soon as they show interest and start communicating is cringeworthy and it's clear she's got some serious denial going when she says she's just fine on her own when it's clear she really isn't. I looked at your back threads and you don't seem all that happy, and you don't have that much opportunity when it comes to meeting guys. And that's ok but I sense that you are similar to my sister in that you really don't enjoy being alone all the time, and rather than trying to take the difficult steps to change it, you say "it's fine the way it is" because no action is the course of least resistance, so to speak. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realitysux Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) I don't know your sister but she should totally message me lol. You may be right but I haven't had a guy to cling to in so long, I don't know if that changed. I don't exactly put any effort into attracting men these days. Thank you for that response. It's very insightful. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
Alice82 Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I'm ok alone now and I'm almost 40. If I get lonely I surf the web and try to wrangle up myself a date and then move on with my life. It's just so easy nowadays to get a quick fix if you need it, I guess. And I don't mean that to sound cold or anything, but it's kind of just the truth! It makes it easier to be alone I guess, for me anyways. I'm fine with it even if it isn't supposed to be ideal. I'm most likely going to die alone anyways in this life. So, no biggie if prince charming never makes his debut in my life. But then again, that's how I feel right now and my feelings are always subject to change. Right now I am actually happy to be alone. There's so many available it's like a schmorgus board online anyways!! Link to post Share on other sites
hotpotato Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Highroller107, If you're happier being paired up, then by all means go for it. ? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) The point I was making is that he feels social pressure to have a gf already - this idea that being a couple is more socially 'acceptable' starts young, which makes no sense to me. <snip> It's so interesting to see how different cultures are. Where I grew up, teenage relationships were strongly discouraged and taboo - having a gf/bf would typically get you in trouble! But yet kids did it, they just hid it from their parents and teachers. So I don't think the drive behind it is just social acceptability. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) But yet kids did it, they just hid it from their parents and teachers. So I don't think the drive behind it is just social acceptability. They did it to get socially accepted. It's the same concept, but at least now parents (or at least I) know. I don't particularly want my kid to have a gf at 12 (if you can call it that) but it's a serious talking point for most of the kids his age. There no reason, now or in the past, to have a gf/bf at that age but they pressurise each other anyway. I've been single for a number of years. My choice entirely. The number of times I've been asked by friends or family if I feel lonely is off the scale. My friends regularly offer to set me up because they think I'm in denial or something. I'm not short on 'options' either. If I was more prone to social pressure, I'd be in a relationship right now. But I am better single than not. It's that simple. I'm happy for those you are happy in a partnership , but I wish there were more positive role models for single people rather than the eternal bachelor or the cat lady. That would be helpful. Maybe that's bc I've not found the right guy but I'm not loosing sleep over it. No amount of rom coms will change that. Those of us who are single and enjoying it are not lying. Edited February 20, 2019 by littleblackheart Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Mind you , when l was married mainly during the harder periods there were also many a time l thought marriage was also an unnatural way to live. At times it seemed like a crazy idea to be expected to sleep sharing a bed forever or all the fuss even simple things have to be sometimes just because there's 2 of you. or even having to visit in laws or them you, lots of things. lt's def' much less hassle going solo But when it's good , l do prefer life being 2. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) <snip>Being 12 with a gf is a hard no for myself, I don't care what is cute for his peers. Reason: School work and because I said so. If you haven't had the talk about sex yet, this would be a good time. Give him charts/graphs and stats regarding pregnancy and stds. I don't blame you and I completely agree. One of my friends son is 12 also and told his Dad that girls 11 and 12 were giving blow jobs to guys in the back of the school bus. This is what is going on these days. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I think that when you're in a particular situation yourself, you tend to focus on that and see it as a point of reference, and not really accept or understand other people's experiences or views. I see people who are happy in a relationship, those who are miserable, those who are happy single and those who are not. I don't project my thoughts onto others and assume people are happier or sadder than I am. I only used my 12yo bc he has ASD and is more vulnerable to social pressure, that he feels is so intense that he has to comply in order to fit in. I didn"t mean this to turn into generalisations in what 12yos do and judgements on parenting skills. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 They did it to get socially accepted. But they didn't even tell anyone... everything happens in secret. How does "social acceptance" factor in if society doesn't know or approve? Those of us who are single and enjoying it are not lying. No one is saying that you are lying. Of course it's possible to be single and enjoying it! But there are a whole host of reasons why people get into relationships beyond just "social acceptance". Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 But they didn't even tell anyone... everything happens in secret. How does "social acceptance" factor in if society doesn't know or approve? Society is everyone. You can be 12 and want to be accepted among your peer group. This may be a cultural difference but here, in secret from parents or teachers gives you credance and extra social points. No one is saying that you are lying. Of course it's possible to be single and enjoying it! But there are a whole host of reasons why people get into relationships beyond just "social acceptance". The title of this thread says it! I understand that there are plenty other reasons why anyone wants to get into a relationship. I'm just replying based on this particular thread for those who are single and having fears of being alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 Society is everyone. You can be 12 and want to be accepted among your peer group. This may be a cultural difference but here, in secret from parents or teachers gives you credance and extra social points. Oh, where I grew up the kids literally don't tell anyone, lol. Not even most of their friends, except perhaps 1 or 2 confidantes. I only found out after we were all grown up how many people had had relationships in secret! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 If you want to be single then be single and if you want to be in a relationship then be in a relationship. It doesn't have to be that complicated. Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 (edited) I was using that as an example about change. And how my gf's niece did not want to change. It was not my intention to turn it into a "no fat chick" discussion<snip> Maybe the OP is OK with a guy as fat as her or fatter. She may not need to lose the weight, just not have physical appearance as her main criterion. And she's not that fat. Contrary to what you believe, some men are ok with various looks. Size 10 for example may be heavy for you but many men like it. If everyone wanted only the thin and in shape men and women, it would be a problem, but people of various shapes and sizes are coupled up. Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Olivia_daviss Posted February 20, 2019 Share Posted February 20, 2019 I'm only 19 now it's probably because I'm a lot younger than you but I don't mind being single the relationship I'm in now I had to go through huge amounts of grief to keep and it is far easier to be single it isn't better but it is easier Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted February 22, 2019 Share Posted February 22, 2019 (edited) You sound like my sister. She says the same thing but it's clear that she wants to meet a guy more than anything in the world but when she does get a guy "on the hook" she goes overboard with texts and calls and clingy behavior right from the get-go and invariably chases him away.<snip> Some guys, myself included, love behavior like that. Perhaps those guys just aren't for her, not returning her chat... Edited February 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Trail Blazer Posted February 24, 2019 Share Posted February 24, 2019 (edited) "Anyone who claims it's great, are liars?? Really? You're projecting your own views of the world and applying it to everyone. That's a sure-fire way to irritate people. Instead of making such a sweeping statement, perhaps try to understand why they claim it's great. You're clearly upset about your current situation. You're not happy you're single and you have a one-track mind focusness on finding love and expecting it to be the answer to your happiness. The fact is many people have come out of horrible relationships, so their experience has soured them and the pain won't allow them to yet seek happiness through being with someone else. That's understandable. The trauma of a toxic relationship balanced with the healing of being single can weight many a person's view of being single as a much happier and more viable option. Some people just don't work well as a team with another person and function much better on their own. Some people have work commitments which just aren't conducive to having a thriving, long term relationship. There's no many different people and experiences out there that you can't possibly apply a one hat fits all approach to happiness. What you need to do is not worry about external noise. Focus on what you want to achieve. Family members will give you throwaway lines to try to make you happy. Just work on you, try to figure out how to be the best version of yourself and go and attract a good man and hopefully life partner! Good luck! Edited February 24, 2019 by Trail Blazer Link to post Share on other sites
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