brigit87 Posted January 24, 2019 Share Posted January 24, 2019 But if we all waited until we were all happy and well adjusted and comfortable being on our own, then lots of us would be perpetually single. Me? I've ALWAYS been happier in a relationship, I don't think I've ever been single in my 56 year life for more than a few months at a time since I started dating almost 40 years ago and am currently in a 7 year relationship and things are going quite well. . I agree. I'll never be happy and well adjusted. It's not in the cards. Also, I've never really been single. I met my first boyfriend at 17 and I really haven't been alone since. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I am considered overweight (5’2 and 165lbs), but I « wear it well » and don’t seem more than a little chubby. There is a big difference between 165 pounds and 200+, especially when this woman's sister is 110 pounds and she is comparing herself to that sister. The larger niece wants a similar guy to what her sister landed and that is just not going to happen. I'm glad you have had success in your dating endeavors, but in general good looking athletic guys want thinner women, not women in the 200+ pound category. My point was that the larger niece is unwilling to change and therefore her results of "being alone" will continue. Is there a chance she'll find some guy that is a "chubby chaser"... sure, just as someone will win the lottery, but the odds are stacked against her. If the OP is not getting the results she wants and is not reaching her goal, then she will have to change what she is doing. The only constant is time and it will continue to pass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I've heard that expression countless times. I get it, it makes sense but it's not complete or even all that accurate. Yes in order to be in a healthy committed relationship you need to be in generally good place mentally so you can give and take and resolve conflict and be a positive influence on the other person. But if we all waited until we were all happy and well adjusted and comfortable being on our own, then lots of us would be perpetually single. Me? I've ALWAYS been happier in a relationship, I don't think I've ever been single in my 56 year life for more than a few months at a time since I started dating almost 40 years ago and am currently in a 7 year relationship and things are going quite well. This past week the temperatures have dropped to close to freezing and it's been windy. Even with the thermostat cranked up nothing beats a warm body in the bed with you and I'm not talking about the dog. Well yeah, there are billions of people in the world, more than a few of them will be a total mess and still have no problem dating...but I guess the point is that the people those messes attract might be just as dysfunctional as they are. But that's a minor point, the main audience of that advice is people who, for whatever reason have a hard time finding a partner not people who have already achieved that. It's a primer for people who are wondering how to get off of square one and to be fair it is very solid advice as perpetual singledom or impatience to meet 'the One' can have a debilitating effect on the psyche that can lead to extreme cynicism and negativity- I know because I was in that position once and I had ti learn that no-one wants to date someone who is desperate to find someone to rescue them from themselves and give them something to live for. But also, learning how to be single is a life skill in and of itself. It is a very hard skill that can take years or decades to master because people are inherently afraid of their own company and some will go so far as to make bad decisions and live with very inadvisable people just to avoid confronting how much they fear being alone. If you can truly enjoy singledom and live life for yourself, well, you've cracked it. You'll have a life full of interests and won't be tethered to the moods and whims of someone else. And if you should manage to meet the person of your dreams you'll be one step ahead if you ever have to cope with your partner walking out. For you, life will always go on because essentially all you need in this world is yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I think *most* people who love being single have already had at least one very long term relationship in their lifetime. I don't think there are very many women in your demographic who truly love it, and you should not feel guilty for feeling the way you do. I agree with this, absolutely. I was married for 23 years. The last ten of those I felt like I was sleep-walking through. Comparing that to my now single life? No contest. Most people want to be coupled up. But being coupled with the wrong person is so much worse than being single. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 But being coupled with the wrong person is so much worse than being single. And being coupled with the right person is so much better than being single. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 And being coupled with the right person is so much better than being single. I would agree with that personally, and I'm sure OP agrees. But we can't speak for everyone else. I was offering an explanation as to why OP has been told that being single is great. I'm not telling her she's wrong to feel otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Not to say l don't get someone liking single , l don't care what anyone does or prefers good luck to them, Best to just know ourselves though and be true in whatever we genuinely prefer and want with our lives and hopefully whatever that is makes us happy. ps , dunno what 200pounds is in kg but it sounds bloody heavy. But there's plenty of heavy guys around so as long as she bats on her field good luck to her. What l found really insulting though when a heavy girl expected me to be interested because that ain't gonna happen. l'm in good shape and l insist on exactly the same back. Even had a girl say to me once so what difference does it make she's overweight , ahh, could she really be that blind to the female body. And does she really expect to treat herself like that yet a guy in good shape to not complain. l dunno , talk about see no evil hear no evil. Ain't happening in this lifetime. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) I've experienced both situations so I think I can contribute. I'm 5'4 and around 125lbs but I've been over 200lbs for 2 years. What can I say, I still attracted men when I was fat, but probably specific men who are into chubby women. Now I don't feel my weight is an issue in attracting any men. Quite the contrary, it helps a lot, almost every men I meet says how my body is perfect. If only they knew. It's a little sickening, I don't like men who over-focus on looks, but that's the reality of our society, I think most men do specially on the body HappyLemming, I recommend her niece does sleeve gastric surgery. Someone in my family did it and they are size 2 now and happily dating. I find that to be pretty offensive. Sure. I’m not everyone’s type and some men might be turn off by my weight, but it has never been an obstacle in my dating life. Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Not to say l don't get someone liking single , l don't care what anyone does or prefers good luck to them, Best to just know ourselves though and be true in whatever we genuinely prefer and want with our lives and hopefully whatever that is makes us happy.<snip> ^I like the first 6 sentences in your post. I don't understand the last 4 Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Construct quote due to interceding moderated post Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Highroller107 I totally get you and although we probably have to be in a relatively good place in life to find someone, I don't believe in the motto that one has to be happy by themselves before finding love. I don't think I can be really happy uncoupled. You have the right to feel how you feel, don't let anyone tell you that it doesn't make sense. People have different needs, and only we know what we need in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) ps , dunno what 200pounds is in kg but it sounds bloody heavy.<snip> 200 pounds = almost 91 kilograms. The niece doesn't want a heavy guy, she wants the same type of guy her 110 pound (50 kilogram) sister got. And she sits there and complains to anyone who will listen to her. Again, not willing to make any changes to fix the situation. I have no idea why my girlfriend (her aunt) doesn't come right out and tell her to stop the pity party and do something about being obese. Edited January 25, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I'm single and am genuinely happy. I would be happy being married, too. As a general rule, I've found my happiness isn't dependent on others, although I like people and enjoy being around them. I would be wary of marrying someone who wasn't happy while single. I find I'm more attracted to people who are living life to the hilt and happy about their lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 ^ This ^ But even with all that said, there are people who are happier coupled up no matter how dysfunctional it gets or how hard it is, because they just don't like being on their own or can't do it financially, especially if they want children. I'm just not one of those people. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) that's a good assessment preraph Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 OP never mentioned her weight, so why did this turn into a "no fat chicks" discussion? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 OP never mentioned her weight, so why did this turn into a "no fat chicks" discussion? I was using that as an example about change. And how my gf's niece did not want to change. It was not my intention to turn it into a "no fat chick" discussion. My point to the OP was... if you've been doing the same thing over and over again and its not working. Do something completely different to obtain your goal of meeting a man and securing a boyfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Highroller107 I totally get you and although we probably have to be in a relatively good place in life to find someone, I don't believe in the motto that one has to be happy by themselves before finding love. I don't think I can be really happy uncoupled. You have the right to feel how you feel, don't let anyone tell you that it doesn't make sense. People have different needs, and only we know what we need in life. Yeah , l don't either. l think it's just trying to be helpful in urging people to find some happiness for themselves no matter what ,so it is sorta meant in good will non the less. But funny , matter of fact l could not have been more miserable after divorce at the time l met gf , and she was in exactly the same place and time after hers too. l'd worked through everything it wasn't about that as such but just life at that stage, l was just not a happy puppy at all and neither was she. Next minute though we were as high as kites on luvvvvvvv. ps , thanks HL, that's pretty heavy. Edited January 25, 2019 by chillii 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Nilfiry Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Of course most people will be happier in relationships. It is literally your natural instinct to mate. Everyone is affected to some degree, but people can control their instincts with their intellect. That is how you get people who can genuinely be happy being single--that or they have a bad history with relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I never sleep alone. I have dogs. And I’m perfectly fine with that! Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Of course most people will be happier in relationships. Some of us neuro-diverse people are wired differently. For us, the above is simply not the case. As an aside, it's interesting to me how non-neurotypicals often display more empathy and understanding of those who don't 'think' like us than some NTs who are convinced their way is the only way... Link to post Share on other sites
Nilfiry Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Some of us neuro-diverse people are wired differently. For us, the above is simply not the case. That is why it only applies to most. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 That is why it only applies to most. How do you know that for sure? Link to post Share on other sites
Nilfiry Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 How do you know that for sure? Because of natural selection. In the evolutionary process, those less likely to reproduce--such as those that actually prefer to be single--will inevitably be selected out of the population in favor of those more inclined to have sex and reproduce. If the majority of people were not driven by urges (sexual or otherwise) to seek relationships, then our population would only be a fraction of what it is now. This does not imply that there will be none left of the group that prefer to be singe, but they will be the minority at best. The mental processes of humanity have made relationships more complicated, but it has not stopped the overall desire for relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
T-Rexus Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Yeah being single in your late 30's sucks when you really want to be in a relationship. I'm at the point where all of my older cousins are married with kids. Now two of my younger cousins just had kids with their spouses. Then here I am still trying to get girls to go on dates with me. it takes a lot of effort. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Highroller107 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 Okay, well for those of you that are single and happy what do you do for the sex? Have you lived a celibate life for 5 years or so? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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