[Counselor stated] affairs save marriages?

[TheRainbow]

Can’t speak for anyone else but an A did save my marriage. Had I not had My affair, my H would have never realize that our marriage was unhealthy & would have never taken a look at himself.

 

Nothing is ever a 100% general...so I get What your IC is saying but it doesn’t apply to everyone’s situation.

 

Sounds like blame shifting

[Whoknew30]

Sounds like blame shifting

 

His own words that out therapist & priest agreed with...my A was an exit A on purpose. Had I not forced a change, we would have been divorced. He had an A too but I honearly didn’t care, I understood it, our marriage was just bad.

 

Once again it’s not a general thing but it was understandable from both ends. We went through more in our late teens & early 20’s within 4 years of being married than couples married 50 years & the we handled the pressure of it all, wrong.

 

Not happy that’s what it took but happy that we’re 10 years past it, fully healed & it made us know that we love each other, no matter what...so for “us” it worked out better than not cheating & would have been divorced. We would have regretted that more.

[Try]

Can’t speak for anyone else but an A did save my marriage. Had I not had My affair, my H would have never realize that our marriage was unhealthy & would have never taken a look at himself.

I do not know your situation, and I do not intend for it to apply to you personally, but more as a general rule.

 

On this site we have seen that most cheaters look for an excuse to blame their spouse for cheating. They do this because most cheaters think of themselves as good people, and do not want to admit to themselves that maybe they just cheated because they are selfish. Your belief that your affair "did save" your marriage, will be viewed by people wanting to cheat as validation for them to cheat, and thus encourages cheating. There is also the belief by many that with today's no fault divorce laws, there is no excuse for cheating, and that if you are unhappy, you should just divorce. Part of this belief is the view that an exit affair is no better than any other type of affair, and just another excuse to secretly shop for options while not allowing your spouse to do the same. An affair involves dishonesty, and a divorce does not.

 

For those that say that an affair saved their marriage due to it being a wake up call to their spouse that there marriage is in trouble, I say that there is no better wake up call then filing for divorce and meaning it. At that point the burden is on the spouse to try to change your mind, and you retain your integrity. Again, I do not know your situation, but the exception does not make the rule.

[Whoknew30]

I do not know your situation, and I do not intend for it to apply to you personally, but more as a general rule.

 

On this site we have seen that most cheaters look for an excuse to blame their spouse for cheating. They do this because most cheaters think of themselves as good people, and do not want to admit to themselves that maybe they just cheated because they are selfish. Your belief that your affair "did save" your marriage, will be viewed by people wanting to cheat as validation for them to cheat, and thus encourages cheating. There is also the belief by many that with today's no fault divorce laws, there is no excuse for cheating, and that if you are unhappy, you should just divorce. Part of this belief is the view that an exit affair is no better than any other type of affair, and just another excuse to secretly shop for options while not allowing your spouse to do the same. An affair involves dishonesty, and a divorce does not.

 

For those that say that an affair saved their marriage due to it being a wake up call to their spouse that there marriage is in trouble, I say that there is no better wake up call then filing for divorce and meaning it. At that point the burden is on the spouse to try to change your mind, and you retain your integrity. Again, I do not know your situation, but the exception does not make the rule.

 

You don’t file for divorce as a threat, you do it to get divorced & as i said, had we gone down that route we have been miserable. We’re not now & cheating is only like 15% the cause of divorces.

 

So if everyone went by what you’re saying there would be more divorce than reconciliation, which isn’t a positive. Doesn’t matter what people personal opinions are vs statistical fact & statistical fact is more marriages survive cheating & become stronger vs many other reasons. Doesn’t matter of it’s morally right or wrong but the finale outcome is a stronger marriage. So it is a positive thing if a couple gets through it..

[DKT3]

You don’t file for divorce as a threat, you do it to get divorced & as i said, had we gone down that route we have been miserable. We’re not now & cheating is only like 15% the cause of divorces.

 

So if everyone went by what you’re saying there would be more divorce than reconciliation, which isn’t a positive. Doesn’t matter what people personal opinions are vs statistical fact & statistical fact is more marriages survive cheating & become stronger vs many other reasons. Doesn’t matter of it’s morally right or wrong but the finale outcome is a stronger marriage. So it is a positive thing if a couple gets through it..

 

Numbers are no longer valid since most states are now no fault.

 

I would challenge you on the whole affair saved your marriage stuff. Before I do, I too have to admit that my wife's affair forced me to look inside myself, I believe because of that I have become overall a better person.

 

But was it actually the affair? Absolutely not, the affair was destructive and made me want to do things I had never wanted to do before. There was actually no good that came from that.

 

I also challenge the idea you would have never been happy apart. I believe that's a bit of romantic fantasy, right along with being in love with your affair partner forever and being fully committed to you marriage.

 

I guess the truth is whatever we convince ourselves it to be. I will say, that I 100% believe you believe it saved your marriage. Question is why?

[Try]

You don’t file for divorce as a threat, you do it to get divorced & as i said, had we gone down that route we have been miserable.

You said that your affair (A) "was an exit A on purpose". Using your logic, one could also say that "You don’t have an exit A as a threat, you do it to get divorced".

 

Had you filed for divorce and meant it (like I stated), with no intent to use it as a tool, your husband would have had the opportunity to react the same way as he did with the affair, but without the dishonesty associated with an affair. Many believe that honesty is the most important ingredient to a good marriage.

[Mr. Lucky]

statistical fact is more marriages survive cheating & become stronger vs many other reasons. Doesn’t matter of it’s morally right or wrong but the finale outcome is a stronger marriage. So it is a positive thing if a couple gets through it..

 

Boy, I'd like to know what database this is drawn from. Many marriages survive affairs based on the same inertia, denial and conflict avoidance that enables cheating in the first place. Certainly a stretch to say they've come out "stronger"...

 

Mr. Lucky

[pepperbird]

In my opinion, it's like the proverbial making lemonade from lemons. Finding some good in a negative situation.

 

 

An affair is a negative situation, and if a couple chooses, they can use it as an incentive to move forward. The affair didn't "save" the marriage any more than having cancer saves a life.

[Whoknew30]

Boy, I'd like to know what database this is drawn from. Many marriages survive affairs based on the same inertia, denial and conflict avoidance that enables cheating in the first place. Certainly a stretch to say they've come out "stronger"...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If cheating occurs & is known by both spouses & they never divorce after, the yes that relationship would be considered stronger. You can’t base statistics off of “your” or “my” opinions. So what you’re saying is your opinion, when taking the numbers for statistics, going by what divorce decrees say,therapists & studies, that opinions doesn’t match up.

 

We see it hear all the time, people behaving as they know more then the mental professionals a OP is seeing...as this post is a perfect example.

 

So actually it’s not a stretch, what you’re saying would be bc you have nothing but your opinion to back it up...opinions aren’t what standards are made up of wether it be medical or mental health...there actually a whole standard on how to come up with statistical fact.

 

It’s really psych 101...affairs do damage but if the marriage survives it (which majority do) the marriage is majority of the time stronger.

[Whoknew30]

You said that your affair (A) "was an exit A on purpose". Using your logic, one could also say that "You don’t have an exit A as a threat, you do it to get divorced".

 

Had you filed for divorce and meant it (like I stated), with no intent to use it as a tool, your husband would have had the opportunity to react the same way as he did with the affair, but without the dishonesty associated with an affair. Many believe that honesty is the most important ingredient to a good marriage.

 

No, you can’t speak for us, I’ve known my head since a girl.I was trying to force him to leave without any hope. I never though he’d not only forgive but right change. He would have never done that with a threat of divorce, we would have just gotten divorced & regretted it.

 

Sorry but divorce isn’t a win. There’s plenty of people that I’ve heard say, would have rather worked through an affect then have their spouses actually leave them. There are a lot of honest people that would go back to the those they divorced & would have rather got through an affair then their marriage to be over...there “right” “wrong” & reality...not all of them coexist at the same time in certain situations in life.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Whoknew, have you ever thought that you and your husband could have divorced, spent time apart, reviewed your relationship and then decided that you truly loved each other and that you should get married again. This could have been done without having an affair and creating an atmosphere of distrust and hurt. You talk of an affair as if it was a magic balm which, although unpleasant and offensive, turned out to be the ideal remedy for your failing marriage. There is an adage which states that "The ends do not justify the means". I think this holds true of affairs as much as it may hold true of Robin Hoods robbing rich people and distributing their wealth to the poor. May be something to think about. In any case what is important is what your world view is. If you think that the world is flat then for you it is flat, irrespective of whether the world's most highly qualified scientists tell you it is round. The most important fact is that if you are happily reconciled with your husband then that is what matters. Be happy don't worry. Best wishes.

Edited January 10, 2019 by Just a Guy

[Mr. Lucky]

It’s really psych 101...affairs do damage but if the marriage survives it (which majority do) the marriage is majority of the time stronger.

 

First off Whoknew30, I'm glad that whatever happened left you and your husband in a better place. I'm going to assume there was some hard work on both your parts, you should be commended for succeeding where many have failed. And certainly, any challenge - affairs, illness, death of a family member, etc. - offers us opportunities for change, both as people and couples.

 

But affairs, and the unique set of circumstances involving betrayal, dishonesty and deception, are a different animal. You've been here long enough to have read many stories of spouses who stayed still struggling years and decades later to come to terms with the damage.

 

I'd guess, post D-day, "stronger" would depend on which spouse - WS or BS - you asked...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The Dude Abides]

Hello WhoKnew30

 

Just as written by Mr. Lucky, I am so glad to hear that things worked out so well in the long run for your and your husband. That is really, really great news for both of you . And especially so because it sounds like it has worked for some time now.

 

I have known a few couples (fewer than five?) over the years who had similar experiences to your experience. I was glad it worked out for them, as well.

 

So I wouldn’t think in absolute terms that an affair is always the end of things, nor would I ever say something as all-encompassing as “Affairs Save Marriages”. Reality is somewhere in between those two extremes, although I think Reality is much much closer to the “affairs destroy marriages (an people)” end of that continuum.

[Whoknew30]

If any read my first response I said “generally” & that understand what the IC meant but that it doesn’t apply to everyone, as nothing ever does.

 

It’s simple statistics...if affairs were next to impossible to forgive, they’d be the number one cause of divorce & since they’re not, them it’s not the worst thing to happen to a marriage “generally”. It’s like 15% of divorce is due to affairs, that’s not a huge number. I’m leaving the morality out of it bc it’s not figured into those percentages.

[Whoknew30]

Hi Whoknew, have you ever thought that you and your husband could have divorced, spent time apart, reviewed your relationship and then decided that you truly loved each other and that you should get married again. This could have been done without having an affair and creating an atmosphere of distrust and hurt. You talk of an affair as if it was a magic balm which, although unpleasant and offensive, turned out to be the ideal remedy for your failing marriage. There is an adage which states that "The ends do not justify the means". I think this holds true of affairs as much as it may hold true of Robin Hoods robbing rich people and distributing their wealth to the poor. May be something to think about. In any case what is important is what your world view is. If you think that the world is flat then for you it is flat, irrespective of whether the world's most highly qualified scientists tell you it is round. The most important fact is that if you are happily reconciled with your husband then that is what matters. Be happy don't worry. Best wishes.

 

People that think the world is flat, so not do their research, just as those that think cheating is the ultimate end to a marriage. Statistics do not support that logic...I understand what you’re options is but statistics stats differently. Those marriages that survive known affairs, tend to last.

 

Most people once starting the divorce process do not get back together. Lawyers, pain, custody...those aren’t things you just go through to get back together. That in itself causes major damage too.

 

Also sometimes the ends do justify the means. Look at simple DNA tests of ethnicity for example. A lot of people are finding they’re mixed with different cultures which means their life exists due to their ancestors fighting wars, occupations, rapes, ext...those histories are terrible but many lives would have ceased to exist had those bad things had not happened.

 

There is a way to see things with emotion or non partisan ..I try to see the world for the way it is & what is factual vs from an emotional bias.

[pepperbird]

People that think the world is flat, so not do their research, just as those that think cheating is the ultimate end to a marriage. Statistics do not support that logic...I understand what you’re options is but statistics stats differently. Those marriages that survive known affairs, tend to last.

 

Most people once starting the divorce process do not get back together. Lawyers, pain, custody...those aren’t things you just go through to get back together. That in itself causes major damage too.

 

Also sometimes the ends do justify the means. Look at simple DNA tests of ethnicity for example. A lot of people are finding they’re mixed with different cultures which means their life exists due to their ancestors fighting wars, occupations, rapes, ext...those histories are terrible but many lives would have ceased to exist had those bad things had not happened.

 

There is a way to see things with emotion or non partisan ..I try to see the world for the way it is & what is factual vs from an emotional bias.

 

 

Most people don't have that luxury, but it sounds like you do. Personally, I don't see that as a reason to brag, and it could be part of why you don't get it.

 

 

 

Using your example, you state that all those horrible circumstances have a positive side. It's easy for you to say that when you aren't the person who was raped, killed, lost your home, etc. Would the people that had think that the end justifies the means?

 

 

In the case of an affair, the ws might feel that their actions "saved" their marriage, and while the bs may agree, it's likely more a "making lemons form lemonade" situation, and they would have far preferred that the affair had never happened. There may be some exceptions, but most would think the price they paid for their "saved marriage" was very steep.

[Try]

I was trying to force him to leave without any hope. I never though he’d not only forgive but right change. He would have never done that with a threat of divorce, we would have just gotten divorced & regretted it.

And you know this how? In stating that when you had the "exit" affair that you "never though he’d not only forgive but right change", you are admitting that you are a poor predictor of what your husband would do, and are thus not qualified to state with any level of confidence that "He would have never done that with a threat of divorce, we would have just gotten divorced & regretted it".

 

There’s plenty of people that I’ve heard say, would have rather worked through an affect then have their spouses actually leave them. There are a lot of honest people that would go back to the those they divorced & would have rather got through an affair then their marriage to be over...there “right” “wrong” & reality...not all of them coexist at the same time in certain situations in life.

You are changing the subject when you discuss if many people regret divorce. The debate is not if people regret divorce, it is if affairs make a marriage stronger. Also, since your husband also had an affair, it makes both of you more willing to forgive an affair because you both rationalized to yourselves why affairs, and the lying associated with affairs, are not that bad and can actually make a marriages stronger. Your logic does not apply to those situations where only one spouse has cheated. Edited January 11, 2019 by Try

[Try]

There is a way to see things with emotion or non partisan ..I try to see the world for the way it is & what is factual vs from an emotional bias.

My Dad cheated on my Mother. He stopped cheating, and changed big time to save the marriage. A few years later, we were surprised when my Mother wanted a divorce. She had gotten over the sex of the affair, but did not get over the lying associated with the affair. She said that she could not be married to someone that she did not trust. Fact.