[Counselor stated] affairs save marriages?

[Try]

Never said that the result is good. A "saved marriage" in this case, is a prolonged marriage. Without an affair, it might not have lasted as long. It's wrong, and maybe it shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, but the fact remains true, that in many cases people are able to stay/tolerate their marriage because of an affair.

A "prolonged marriage" is no more a "saved marriage", than a cancer patient is a "saved patient" when he lives a few more months.

[redbaron007]

...

 

To change gears abit, males and females view and enter affairs with a different mindset, in general. Most men are looking for extra while most women are looking to replace.

 

Quite the opposite. Most people, especially WWs, do not want to replace - they want the excitement of the illicit affair but like the comfort and security that the spouse provides as well. They are cake-eaters.

[TheRainbow]

Affairs don't save marriages. My cheating, my whorish ways have caused a wave of pain in my life, my husband's, my entire family, his and more. If you want to save your marriage, seek a counsellor or accept it's ****ed and get a divorce.

[Starswillshine]

Oh the justifications that some people tell themselves to make them feel better about what they are doing.

 

Sigh.

[BaileyB]

Never said that the result is good. A "saved marriage" in this case, is a prolonged marriage. Without an affair, it might not have lasted as long. It's wrong, and maybe it shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, but the fact remains true, that in many cases people are able to stay/tolerate their marriage because of an affair.

 

Why is the goal to stay/tolerate the marriage? Seriously, if prolonging a dysfunctional marriage is considered "success" or a "goal" worth striving for... that is really sad. If the marriage is so bad that one partner must turn outside the marriage to have an affair in order to stay... then that tells you something. It tells you that this is NOT a marriage worth saving/prolonging.

[Tanchik]

Why is the goal to stay/tolerate the marriage? Seriously, if prolonging a dysfunctional marriage is considered "success" or a "goal" worth striving for... that is really sad. If the marriage is so bad that one partner must turn outside the marriage to have an affair in order to stay... then that tells you something. It tells you that this is NOT a marriage worth saving/prolonging.

 

The famous "for the kids" reason, which is a popular controversial topic on here. Opinions vary, but I think there are benefits to tolerating it for that reason.

[DKT3]

The famous "for the kids" reason, which is a popular controversial topic on here. Opinions vary, but I think there are benefits to tolerating it for that reason.

 

Several of the people who have posted on your thread here, came with a very similar mindset that you have now. Thing is when we have conversations with ourselves we can make the ridiculous sound sane. Because we have reinforced those ridiculous thoughts over time we fail to see how ridiculous they really are.

 

As an example, when I first started posting here I had a really good friend, I mean friends from diaper days. He was a master womanizer and lacked any respect for women. My wife hated the guy but my response was oh that's just how he is, he is harmless. You see for 25 plus years I rationalized that his behavior was ok, that having him around my family was not a negative thing. When my wife mentioned him on this site other posters ripped me a new one, sadly most of those were deleted. However, like you I dug in on this absolutely ridiculous idea that he was a safe person to have around. While doing so, I slowly started to realize that I did actually have issues with his behavior, I always had. But I spent so many years defending him that I ignored them.

 

This idea that you affair has somehow allowed you to stay married is asinine. It's only allowed you to ignore something that you will have to realize and deal with.

 

Lastly, enough with the kids business. If I'm being honest, you come off as self absorbed. people like that tend to look out for themselves first and foremost. You're not having an affair to prolong your marriage, its because you enjoy the affair. You're not getting a divorce because you have something to gain by staying married. You you you.

 

It's hard to sell snake oil in a room full of snake oil salesmen.

[Tanchik]

Lastly, enough with the kids business. If I'm being honest, you come off as self absorbed. people like that tend to look out for themselves first and foremost. You're not having an affair to prolong your marriage, its because you enjoy the affair. You're not getting a divorce because you have something to gain by staying married. You you you.

 

Tough love on here is great!! I don't quite understand why putting someone down is necessary, but OK...

 

I actually am going through divorce now, always thought I would, once the kids were older. I don't quite understand how divorce advice is given out like candy on here. There are SO many dimensions of one's married life and family, the fluidity of things changing, rough times and happy times, kids (YES! KIDS!), the family unit, and on and on. Destroying all of that is "easy" - just a few words, some paperwork and you are done! But in doing that, you are also destroying something for everyone who is part of that family.

 

So I think there's HUGE value in "toughing it out". The benefits can be tremendous! I think it's selfish to drop it all as soon as something doesn't go your way (and yes, I am simplifying it), and something will always go wrong.

 

How one chooses to deal with "toughing it out" is a whole different topic.

 

The purpose of my post was to think about it philosophically. Sometimes something wrong, *might* create something good. Taking a huge risk here by bringing up another controversial topic... but once abortion was legalized in the US, many years later there was a significant decline in crime. No one expected it, and obviously abortion is a VERY controversial topic. There's nothing *good* about it, it's just necessary sometimes.

 

Same with affairs. There's no argument that will make them good or even necessary. Do they happen all the time - of course. Can they have a positive side effect of prolonging one's marriage - they sure do. So many stories on here. These are just facts. There are many posts on here that discuss why affairs are wrong - it doesn't seem to diminish them...

[Starswillshine]

If you chose to stay "for the kids"... if it was REALLY about the kids... you wouldn't engage in an affair. Period. Its selfishness. Period. No need to try to justify it. It had nothing to do with the kids. If you truly care about putting the kids first, you would just suffer it out and figure out ways to make the marriage work (that doesnt include risking your children... your affair)

[DKT3]

Tough love on here is great!! I don't quite understand why putting someone down is necessary, but OK...

 

I actually am going through divorce now, always thought I would, once the kids were older. I don't quite understand how divorce advice is given out like candy on here. There are SO many dimensions of one's married life and family, the fluidity of things changing, rough times and happy times, kids (YES! KIDS!), the family unit, and on and on. Destroying all of that is "easy" - just a few words, some paperwork and you are done! But in doing that, you are also destroying something for everyone who is part of that family.

 

So I think there's HUGE value in "toughing it out". The benefits can be tremendous! I think it's selfish to drop it all as soon as something doesn't go your way (and yes, I am simplifying it), and something will always go wrong.

 

How one chooses to deal with "toughing it out" is a whole different topic.

 

The purpose of my post was to think about it philosophically. Sometimes something wrong, *might* create something good. Taking a huge risk here by bringing up another controversial topic... but once abortion was legalized in the US, many years later there was a significant decline in crime. No one expected it, and obviously abortion is a VERY controversial topic. There's nothing *good* about it, it's just necessary sometimes.

 

Same with affairs. There's no argument that will make them good or even necessary. Do they happen all the time - of course. Can they have a positive side effect of prolonging one's marriage - they sure do. So many stories on here. These are just facts. There are many posts on here that discuss why affairs are wrong - it doesn't seem to diminish them...

Yeah, shortsighted again. Having the affair put your marriage and kids stability at even higher risk for several reason.

 

There can be alot of good done by selling drugs, robbing banks and so on. Does robbing a bank diminish eating the food the money got? Of course it does. Eating could have been done in many other moral ways. As could staying married. Perhaps you and your husband could have made an agreement. Nope, this was about you. Get honest, when you started sleeping with another man, was your thoughts "hey this will harbor stability for my kids" of course you didn't. They weren't even a thought. Doing what felt good to you in that moment is all you were thinking about. So no it wasn't about your kids, it's an afterthought to say that, a way to make yourself feel better about shi++y decisions.

 

No need to explain divorce to me, I've actually been there. Truth is it's tough, but its easier then living the way you have been, easier for everyone involved. Living a lie is a quiet destruction, yes I tried that as well, for 14 months.

 

At the end of the day your getting divorced so really what did the affair accomplish? Kids still have to go through divorce. Now you have to come to terms with divorce and betrayal. Make no mistake, even with divorce there is a price to be paid.

[Tanchik]

Yeah, shortsighted again. Having the affair put your marriage and kids stability at even higher risk for several reason.

 

There can be alot of good done by selling drugs, robbing banks and so on. Does robbing a bank diminish eating the food the money got? Of course it does. Eating could have been done in many other moral ways. As could staying married. Perhaps you and your husband could have made an agreement. Nope, this was about you. Get honest, when you started sleeping with another man, was your thoughts "hey this will harbor stability for my kids" of course you didn't. They weren't even a thought. Doing what felt good to you in that moment is all you were thinking about. So no it wasn't about your kids, it's an afterthought to say that, a way to make yourself feel better about shi++y decisions.

 

 

If there's nothing else to eat, there's no other moral way of doing it...

 

Umm... actually yes. It didn't just happen to me, like a lot on here say. I chose that path as a way of "toughing it out", and the main reason was keeping the family together for the kids!

[Starswillshine]

If there's nothing else to eat, there's no other moral way of doing it...

 

Umm... actually yes. It didn't just happen to me, like a lot on here say. I chose that path as a way of "toughing it out", and the main reason was keeping the family together for the kids!

 

Unbelievable. You still dont understand it. Not surprising.

[Starswillshine]

I actually stayed 2 years for the kids after finding my husband was a cheating scumbag. Do you want to know what that looks like? It looks like trying your hardest to give them the most stable in home environment. It means trying to reconnect. It means trying to put MY hurt and MY resentment to the side. It meant swallowing my pride. It meant doing everything I could do make our marriage a good one.

 

Ultimately, I failed. I couldn't keep my resentment away (obviously you cannot either) and while seemed to be ok at times to the kids, they sensed it. Want to know what my 16 year old said when I told her I filed for divorce? "Thank God, I thought you were going to tell me he was coming back home."

 

Dont kid yourself. This has nothing to do with the kids and providing them a stable home. You will screw them up in more ways than one by your affair. You are deluding yourself if you think otherwise.

 

/endrant

[Tanchik]

I actually stayed 2 years for the kids after finding my husband was a cheating scumbag. Do you want to know what that looks like? It looks like trying your hardest to give them the most stable in home environment. It means trying to reconnect. It means trying to put MY hurt and MY resentment to the side. It meant swallowing my pride. It meant doing everything I could do make our marriage a good one.

 

Ultimately, I failed. I couldn't keep my resentment away (obviously you cannot either) and while seemed to be ok at times to the kids, they sensed it. Want to know what my 16 year old said when I told her I filed for divorce? "Thank God, I thought you were going to tell me he was coming back home."

 

Dont kid yourself. This has nothing to do with the kids and providing them a stable home. You will screw them up in more ways than one by your affair. You are deluding yourself if you think otherwise.

 

/endrant

 

I have no doubt that was very difficult and understand the resentment. I wouldn't be able to do it either, if it was that bad (it's gotten worse for me).

 

Also, your situation is very different from mine. As hypocritical as it sounds, I wouldn't be able to be a BS.

[DKT3]

I have no doubt that was very difficult and understand the resentment. I wouldn't be able to do it either, if it was that bad (it's gotten worse for me).

 

Also, your situation is very different from mine. As hypocritical as it sounds, I wouldn't be able to be a BS.

 

Very common. Also common that wayward spouses have this sense that the partner is happy with status quo and would never cheat on them.

 

Her situation is different from your perspective because you are on the opposite side...I promise you would find more commonality with her husband.

[40somethingGuy]

That's what my IC says! Anyone else's?

 

I kept asking her about my own history, and how I am having a hard time with my actions, etc. But she wouldn't go there. Affairs are quite common she says, they help keep marriages together.

 

Isn't it nice to know that as OW/MOW we help save not only our own marriage, but also out AP's! While we typically want the complete opposite of that!

 

Another reason to break off the A? Maybe.

Your IC is an idiot like so many of them. Being a selfish liar who leads a double life is healthy and good? Seriously, your IC (idiot councilor) probably thinks making you feel good about disgusting actions will keep the money rolling in.

[ladydesigner]

I haven't read the entire thread but this couldn't be more far from the truth. What should have been said is that A's ruin marriages and traumatize the BS.

 

I haven't been the same person since my WS's A and I can tell you it isn't for the better.

 

What a load of crap your IC is

[ladydesigner]

Never said that the result is good. A "saved marriage" in this case, is a prolonged marriage. Without an affair, it might not have lasted as long. It's wrong, and maybe it shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, but the fact remains true, that in many cases people are able to stay/tolerate their marriage because of an affair.

 

You are right about the bolded. I'm currently tolerating my M because of my WS's A... he no longer gets ego kibbles from me or the amounts of sex we used to have. In fact now my life is all about ME and not HIM. How did that work out in my WS's favor

Edited January 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[seren]

No affair can help save a marriage, affairs are destructive at least, hurtful and soul destroying at worse. That some marriages can survive after an affair is usually at great cost and hard work, they survive despite an affair and not because there has been one.

 

I never understood or understand why a WS doesn't offer the potential BS the right of everyone, the right to make an informed choice about their life. Whether to support the marriage, to work, to contribute to stick by their spouse and to be intimate with them, knowing there is another. I have read so many times how a WS has said that they would be devastated to learn of their BS doing what they had done. Affairs are all about double standards and crossing the line, while making excuses to allow themselves to have one.

 

To survive an affair takes such damned hard work and strength, the marriage has to have a firm foundation for it to work, no marriage is improved because of the affair, but, the conversations and realisation of how the marriage was almost lost can see it grow in a different direction had there been no affair. My own marriage survives despite the affair and because we worked at it. Once an affair is known the marriage and the saving of it is the sole focus, the affair has no place post D Day, unless the WS is continuing to lie, only by now the AP would be aware that given the chance the WS still stayed. No, no marriage is ever better for an affair.

[OJK]

Some affairs do help mend the marriage. Yes, I am the other guy and she choose her family over me. She had a 7 month old baby and despite her husband abusing her, beating her, taking drugs (cocaine) and drinking alcohol, she still choose him.

 

She felt the guilt and said she wasn't able to carry out the double life. She never gave him time when she was with me and just like that she starts giving him all the attention and all the time. She started going out with him and just being there. I accepted all of it and said to her if this is what she really wants then yes she should give him another chance. But I always asked her to what extend ? I mean why marry someone if you have to wait around for them to change.

 

I really don't know how all of this is going to end up for her but she decided to fix her dying marriage after being with me. She thought being with another man would give her insights that perhaps men aren't like this and what ever she could salvage from me, she could use it to change her husband.

[TheRainbow]

Some affairs do help mend the marriage. Yes, I am the other guy and she choose her family over me. She had a 7 month old baby and despite her husband abusing her, beating her, taking drugs (cocaine) and drinking alcohol, she still choose him.<snip>

 

That doesn't mean her marriage is "mended". She just made a choice between two [unhealthy] options.

Edited January 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and language

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tanchik, you took just one sentence from my post and addressed it without taking into account and addressing the other points I raised there. In any case you have subsequently given the information that you are finally divorcing so I guess there is no further use in fulminating about the pros and cons of whether affairs 'save' marriages or not. There used to be a time when doctors used to advise folks that if they could limit themselves to smoking two cigarettes a day they would be benefited with an increased flow of blood in their arteries and veins because the nicotine helped to dilate their blood vessels. However, with the inherent risk of smoking becoming a habit which was difficult to break and could lead to lung cancer and emphysema they have stopped making that recommendation. The point is that something which is NOT good for health overall cannot be prescribed in small quantities as a regular application for the purpose of protecting the self same health. Although this example does not truly capture the logic applicable to your case it does show that something which is not good cannot in the long run give a good result.

 

You have questioned the premise that affairs affect children if they do not know what is going on. The fact is that children are much more empathetic than adults and at a subconscious level are able to pick up on cues given out by their parents and other near relatives. As such if one of their parents is involved in an affair they will likely tune into these vibes that they are getting and may even 'know' about their parent's affair before the BS has any inkling of the matter. In any case if you want to hold on to your opinion that affairs help save marriages then you can continue with that opinion as it is yours and no one has the right to tell you what opinion you should have. Only real life may get you to change your mind at some later date in time. Best wishes.

[Tanchik]

Hi Tanchik, you took just one sentence from my post and addressed it without taking into account and addressing the other points I raised there.

 

I didn't quite understand how they apply... I am not looking to have an open marriage, or to confess. Understand that they are options, but not something I would consider. Also, not sure how that applied to the thread I've started.

 

Re smoking analogy. No one is advocating that affairs are good - I've repeated it multiple times throughout this thread.

 

And as far as kids go, sure they may sense something, just like they will sense something when one or both parents are stressed from work, fighting or other issues. That's part of being in a family. Outside of situations where they may sense something, there are plenty of opportunities to do things as a family unit, and not have them sense anything but security and happiness.

[central]

In the vast majority of situations, the premise is false. However, there are always the exceptions, so yes, in rare cases, an affair can save a marriage.

[Whoknew30]

Can’t speak for anyone else but an A did save my marriage. Had I not had My affair, my H would have never realize that our marriage was unhealthy & would have never taken a look at himself.

 

Nothing is ever a 100% general...so I get What your IC is saying but it doesn’t apply to everyone’s situation.