[Counselor stated] affairs save marriages?

[burnt]

XOW here. My affair was with a married man.

 

He was unfaithful here and there before he met me. His wife knew about some of his cheating but they "worked" on it and stayed married together. He did some more very short cheating on her again, but never told her since if she found out she'd leave.

 

His affair with me was the longest, most involved and most emotionally intense. He called me as the antidote to his dormant marriage--many times. The affair with me finally set him straight. It was the guilt that finally made him reevaluate everything and it was after the affair, he finally was committed to his marriage. His devotion and relationship afterwards was the best in all his years of marriage.

 

As he put it "What I was looking for my whole life was right in front of me the whole time".

 

How should I put it? You know, after someone dies, that's what makes you start to value life in a new light? You know how after you start getting ill with dysfunctional body parts, you finally learn to appreciate your body and finally start to take care of your body with healthy choices?

It's a bit like that.

 

You and all the posters here may find the counselor's comment repulsive.

 

But here is the truth:

 

HOW MANY cases similar to mine have you all heard here yourself?

Many.

 

Marriage is getting boring.

The spark is dead-ish. Life is going on and is focused on day-to-day chores.

 

Then he gets involved in an affair; he gets his mojo back and feels excited and remembers how exciting things used to be with his wife. And born out of the guilt he finally learns to be MORE committed to his wife than ever before.

 

NO I am not denying the fact that affairs bring unimaginable damage.

 

What I am saying is that YES, for most men, the affairs wake them up with guilt and afterwards they become more attentive husbands. Most of these cases, after the affair the COMMUNICATION between the spouses do become more transparent and healthy which is what rekindles the marriage. Yes, I am only talking about the ones where they reconcile--not the ones that lead to divorce.

 

What I am saying is that, imagine, for most of these cases, the affair didn't take place--what would have happened? They would have continued to drift apart until there was nothing more to salvage until divorce.

 

No, I am not saying what everyone wants to hear. We want to believe that "good acts yield good results". But the thing is in these cases it's the ugly criminal acts that fix marriages and it's hard to swallow that truth.

 

Just my ten cents. I'm sure all of you would disagree. Oh well.

[carhill]

A competent therapist works the psychological issues, like focus of attention, care, reciprocal love, etc, or whatever the patient tasks them to. The patient drives the process. If a patient wants to learn tools and/or processes to remain silent on their affair in their M, a psychologist can teach them. In this case, the OP was seeking tools to work their difficulties with accepting their past actions and moving forward. Rather than proselytizing that affairs are quite common and keep marriages together, the therapist should work the issue.

 

OP, I noted with a word search that I'm the only person who mentioned psychologist in this thread. Is your therapist a licensed psychologist? If not you might wish to seek one out. It often costs more but IME the benefits far outweigh the costs.

[Veronica73]

But why does it take an affair??? It’s sooooo damaging to a relationship. Why can’t he/she become more attentive without the awfulness?

[S2B]

But why does it take an affair??? It’s sooooo damaging to a relationship. Why can’t he/she become more attentive without the awfulness?

 

Ego, it's all about getting the ego fed.

[elaine567]

After the affair the assertion is that he is more attentive and the guilt keeps him on the straight and narrow but what about the wife?

How does she feel, now that she knows she has married a cheater and a liar?

I guess that makes for a fantastic marriage...

 

 

OK, if we go along with the assertion that she never finds out, but how many cheating men are going to change their ways and re-evaluate everything without the impetus of the Dday and the real prospect of losing everything?

[DKT3]

XOW here. My affair was with a married man.

 

He was unfaithful here and there before he met me. His wife knew about some of his cheating but they "worked" on it and stayed married together. He did some more very short cheating on her again, but never told her since if she found out she'd leave.

 

His affair with me was the longest, most involved and most emotionally intense. He called me as the antidote to his dormant marriage--many times. The affair with me finally set him straight. It was the guilt that finally made him reevaluate everything and it was after the affair, he finally was committed to his marriage. His devotion and relationship afterwards was the best in all his years of marriage.

 

As he put it "What I was looking for my whole life was right in front of me the whole time".

 

How should I put it? You know, after someone dies, that's what makes you start to value life in a new light? You know how after you start getting ill with dysfunctional body parts, you finally learn to appreciate your body and finally start to take care of your body with healthy choices?

It's a bit like that.

 

You and all the posters here may find the counselor's comment repulsive.

 

But here is the truth:

 

HOW MANY cases similar to mine have you all heard here yourself?

Many.

 

Marriage is getting boring.

The spark is dead-ish. Life is going on and is focused on day-to-day chores.

 

Then he gets involved in an affair; he gets his mojo back and feels excited and remembers how exciting things used to be with his wife. And born out of the guilt he finally learns to be MORE committed to his wife than ever before.

 

NO I am not denying the fact that affairs bring unimaginable damage.

 

What I am saying is that YES, for most men, the affairs wake them up with guilt and afterwards they become more attentive husbands. Most of these cases, after the affair the COMMUNICATION between the spouses do become more transparent and healthy which is what rekindles the marriage. Yes, I am only talking about the ones where they reconcile--not the ones that lead to divorce.

 

What I am saying is that, imagine, for most of these cases, the affair didn't take place--what would have happened? They would have continued to drift apart until there was nothing more to salvage until divorce.

 

No, I am not saying what everyone wants to hear. We want to believe that "good acts yield good results". But the thing is in these cases it's the ugly criminal acts that fix marriages and it's hard to swallow that truth.

 

Just my ten cents. I'm sure all of you would disagree. Oh well.

I get what you are saying, however, it doesn't necessarily make his experience with you positive. You say it was your relationship that showed him he wanted to be all in with his marriage....not being mean, but that could very well have meant that the actual relationship was unfulfilling and full of negatives that he didn't have to deal with in the marriage and with his wife.

 

My wife said something very similar, stating that it was during her affair that she realized she wanted to stay married to me. She thought she wanted something different but once she had it she realized it wasn't what she wanted.

 

To change gears abit, males and females view and enter affairs with a different mindset, in general. Most men are looking for extra while most women are looking to replace.

[aliveagain]

That's what my IC says! Anyone else's?

 

I kept asking her about my own history, and how I am having a hard time with my actions, etc. But she wouldn't go there. Affairs are quite common she says, they help keep marriages together.

 

Isn't it nice to know that as OW/MOW we help save not only our own marriage, but also out AP's! While we typically want the complete opposite of that!

 

Another reason to break off the A? Maybe.

 

I guess if we follow with this mentality totaling your car with your family in it is a great way yo get yourself a new car. How absurd, get someone with the proper credentials and with infidelity experience. I guess I should of been more respectful and showed more gratitude to my ex's other man for giving me a son, seriously? Get help from someone that knows what their talking about.

[pepperbird]

I was, and told her that. She said that she's not here to give morally correct answers, that I know the answers myself.

 

It kinda makes sense. Right or wrong, it helped me to prolong my marriage!

 

It also made me mad, that I was helping my AP to do the same.

 

 

Uh huh...

 

 

Never mind the fact that you've both hurt others. I guess so long as you both are okay with that, it's all good.

[Wallysbears]

Does it bother you at all that children are impacted by this?

[Tanchik]

Does it bother you at all that children are impacted by this?

 

How are they impacted?

 

Children might or might not be impacted, depending on circumstances. We all do what we think is right to not impact the children.

[Starswillshine]

When my xWH was in his affair, he tried to cover it up by being so much more attentive and overly affectionate and lovely. Except... it didnt work. Something was up and I absolutely knew it.

 

My kids were devastated when it all came out. Extremely. My oldest two still wont speak to their father nearly 3 years after the fact.

 

Affairs are selfish and hurts and tears apart families. My xWH wanted to save our marriage. But I could no longer look at him without rage. He was my trigger.

 

So the BS knowing or not knowing for certain, we always have something we are suspicious about. It puts us on edge. Once we know, our entire lives and view points are altered and screwed up. I'll never be the same. My kids either.

[BaileyB]

How are they impacted?

 

Children might or might not be impacted, depending on circumstances. We all do what we think is right to not impact the children.

 

Children are always impacted when there is infidelity in a marriage, whether they learn the truth or not.

 

Children often know what is happening in their home, they may know what you have been doing even if you think they do not. And if they don't, it's probably only a matter of time until they put the pieces together...

 

To think that your children have not/will not be affected by your affairs is interestingly both very naive and very arrogant. Then again, this is just one example of the mental gymnastics that one must do to excuse and justify infidelity...

[brigit87]

She's not suggesting that's the right thing to do, not at all. Just that it's common, and in her experience, they've helped keep people together.

 

Putting all moral issues aside (and they are valid!), it IS true. It's a fact. It's a way to get what you need without having to destroy your marriage, impact your kids. I am simply playing devil's advocate here, not saying it's the *right* thing to do!

 

She said that to me because she believes that it's a symptom of other issues in my marriage. I chose to deal with it in this way, it's common, but it's not the solution. So with that, let's talk about a solution that will help you, and not dwell on something you already know is wrong.

 

I actually appreciate a therapist that will not tell me the "right" thing, but will make me think.

 

Affairs are deception. And deception doesn't make things better in a marriage. It ruins it for life.

[BaileyB]

My kids were devastated when it all came out. Extremely. My oldest two still wont speak to their father nearly 3 years after the fact.

 

This happened to another friend. None of his three children speak with him.

 

Other friends, their children have a relationship but keep their parent at arms length.

 

Your children are older, are they not OP? My experience has been that late teens/early adulthood is the worst time for a child to learn their parents have had an affair. The children are old enough to have a very definite opinion about their parents behavior, and they tend to have a very clear sense of right/wrong and have not had the life experience to understand the complexities of relationships.

 

They are also old enough to walk way from the situation, to end contact with their parent, and live their own lives...

 

That is, as you say, assuming that the truth comes out. The thing is - secrets like these rarely stay hidden...

[Mr. Lucky]

How are they impacted?

 

It's that lack of empathy and understanding that enables cheating in the first place...

 

Mr. Lucky

[brigit87]

This happened to another friend. None of his three children speak with him.

 

Other friends, their children have a relationship but keep their parent at arms length.

 

Your children are older, are they not OP? My experience has been that late teens/early adulthood is the worst time for a child to learn their parents have had an affair. The children are old enough to have a very definite opinion about their parents behavior, and they tend to have a very clear sense of right/wrong and have not had the life experience to understand the complexities of relationships.

 

They are also old enough to walk way from the situation, to end contact with their parent, and live their own lives...

 

That is, as you say, assuming that the truth comes out. The thing is - secrets like these rarely stay hidden...

 

This is true. My father tried to "explain" away his affairs and his ridiculous selfish and pathological behavior to me. Tried to get rid of his responsibilities and indulge himself in his own ego and happiness. Well...he's not happy. He is in his 70's and still trying to con people for money and support. I haven't spoke to him in about 12 years. He's worse than Scrooge because Scrooge had a bad childhood. My father had two loving parents and he felt entitled to do whatever he wanted to whoever. He's paying the consequences but who cares?

 

IMHO some people should donate their bodies to science. If you can't be of service when you're alive at least you can be of service when you're dead.

[Southwardbound]

That's what my IC says! Anyone else's?

 

I kept asking her about my own history, and how I am having a hard time with my actions, etc. But she wouldn't go there. Affairs are quite common she says, they help keep marriages together.

 

Isn't it nice to know that as OW/MOW we help save not only our own marriage, but also out AP's! While we typically want the complete opposite of that!

 

Another reason to break off the A? Maybe.

 

Yes - if it is a LOng term Affair. Why? Because the Married Spouse is getting everything they need. The BS - holds out, lacks something vital, or maybe isn’t as communicative - they are lots of reasons why they go outside the marriage seeking a component not found within it. So they find someone who gives it to them - that missing piece, then they feel safe, satisfied, & secure in both places. No need to leave either partner. The marriage provides the fascade- false public feont leaving their social status, financial, & family life intact, while the LTA provides the missing self-need component that together makes a whole package. They won’t mess with either side unless forced to. Hence the A keeps the marriage intact.

[pepperbird]

How are they impacted?

 

Children might or might not be impacted, depending on circumstances. We all do what we think is right to not impact the children.

 

 

This sounds so incredibly selfish. Who cares who else gets hurt, so long as the spouse and om/ow get their jollies?

 

 

there are lots of stories, even just on here, from kids who learned their father or mother was cheating and how hurtful it was to them. Add tot hat the selfish attitude of " if I"M happy, my kids will be happy" and it's a dangerous mix.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Tanchik, can you explain how doing something wrong can get you a good result? The fact is I am sure you would not be prepared to confess to your husband that you are having an affair and if that is the case then you are indulging in deception and destroying the trust that he reposes in you.

 

If you were to confess then there are two possible results that may come about. One is that your husband is furious and immediately proceeds to file for divorce or if he is a milder type he may ask you to break off your affair and try to go the reconciliation way. The second result is that your husband is agreeable to opening your marriage so that you can have your fun and then maybe he too, can have fun on the side. The latter result will be the one that you would be rooting for. When things are out in the open there is every likely hood of benefits accruing to the marriage as a whole. Open marriages are based on consensus and honest open communication. No damage to trust takes place and if both spouses continue to respect their partner's wishes and desires then everything is great. Ask Central as he is one of the experienced members here.

 

You could also go the Hotwife way, again if your husband is agreeable. In such a case your husband will continue to remain monogamous while you will have your choice of partners, the rule being that you do not get too involved with a particular partner so that emotions are involved. However, open marriages and the Hotwife kink cannot replicate the thrill of having an affair, doing something sneaky, going behind the back of your spouse and the ever present danger of getting caught. So if that is what keeps you hooked to your affair then, sadly, these options won't help you. What is important is that there is no way you can justify an affair and say that it benefits your marriage if deception, lies and a betrayal of trust are involved. Just think about it.

[somanymistakes]

This sounds so incredibly selfish. Who cares who else gets hurt, so long as the spouse and om/ow get their jollies?

 

there are lots of stories, even just on here, from kids who learned their father or mother was cheating and how hurtful it was to them. Add tot hat the selfish attitude of " if I"M happy, my kids will be happy" and it's a dangerous mix.

 

There's also lots of stories from kids who learned their father or mother was cheating and didn't care. People vary.

 

It's overly simplistic to say that it will always devastate the children.

 

And it's overly simplistic to say that the children will be happy because you're happy.

 

They're their own people! They have their own reactions. You can't guess from the outside what's going to hurt them more or less. Not even they necessarily know until it happens.

[DKT3]

There's also lots of stories from kids who learned their father or mother was cheating and didn't care. People vary.

 

It's overly simplistic to say that it will always devastate the children.

 

And it's overly simplistic to say that the children will be happy because you're happy.

 

They're their own people! They have their own reactions. You can't guess from the outside what's going to hurt them more or less. Not even they necessarily know until it happens.

 

I believe we believe the things that make life easier. the fact is the vast majority of cheaters are offspring of cheaters. Statistically speaking that is roughly 70%.

 

The truth is, it isnt affairs themselves that hurt children, it's the parents who have them. Parents that have affairs, despite their protests, are not great role models. They show themselves to be selfish and shortsighted, not qualities that make for great parenting.

[pepperbird]

There's also lots of stories from kids who learned their father or mother was cheating and didn't care. People vary.

 

It's overly simplistic to say that it will always devastate the children.

 

And it's overly simplistic to say that the children will be happy because you're happy.

 

They're their own people! They have their own reactions. You can't guess from the outside what's going to hurt them more or less. Not even they necessarily know until it happens.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That's akin to saying "sure, sticking your hand into this tub of radioactive goo might hurt a child, but it might not. Let's give it a try and see!"

 

A fully conditioning adult has the right to make whatever ridiculous choices they wish, so long as they accept the fallout. A child doesn't have that choice- they simply go along for the ride- and any parent who would put their child's safety and security at risk simply because they aren't happy/want more sex/ need an ego boost" are, in my opinion, making an extremely selfish and potentially harmful choice.

 

 

I don't think it's acceptable to ask a child to assume that risk. There are so many other ways addressing an unhappy marriage than having an affair.

[Tanchik]

Hi Tanchik, can you explain how doing something wrong can get you a good result?

 

Never said that the result is good. A "saved marriage" in this case, is a prolonged marriage. Without an affair, it might not have lasted as long. It's wrong, and maybe it shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, but the fact remains true, that in many cases people are able to stay/tolerate their marriage because of an affair.

[DKT3]

Never said that the result is good. A "saved marriage" in this case, is a prolonged marriage. Without an affair, it might not have lasted as long. It's wrong, and maybe it shouldn't have lasted as long as it did, but the fact remains true, that in many cases people are able to stay/tolerate their marriage because of an affair.

 

Like I said selfish and shortsighted. Just imagine where you would be had you done the healthy thing and ended what you call a bad marriage that required sleeping with another man to keep you in...its very possible you would be in a different place now...even more important your husband would likely have a partner worth having, one who doesn't need another man to find him acceptable. You've actually helped no one except you.

[somanymistakes]

That's akin to saying "sure, sticking your hand into this tub of radioactive goo might hurt a child, but it might not. Let's give it a try and see!"

 

What, because I said that children are individuals and you can't just assume whatever you want about them?

 

For that matter, sticking YOUR hand into a tub of radioactive goo is more likely to hurt YOU

 

A child doesn't have that choice- they simply go along for the ride- and any parent who would put their child's safety and security at risk simply because they aren't happy/want more sex/ need an ego boost" are, in my opinion, making an extremely selfish and potentially harmful choice.

 

I don't think it's acceptable to ask a child to assume that risk. There are so many other ways addressing an unhappy marriage than having an affair.

 

Yes - and every one of those other ways might also risk a child's safety and security.

 

Affairs are a terrible choice. But it's not nearly as simple as "having an affair will ruin a child's life forever! not having an affair will keep them happy forever!" because those things aren't true.

 

Every idiot having a secret affair tends to think they're making the best choice for their family's stability because as long as no one knows then no one will be upset! Whereas, if they get divorced, then there's going to be huge upheaval and the kids will have to leave their home and everything will be ruined forever, blah blah blah.

 

They see 'get divorced' as guaranteed bad, and 'have an affair' as maybe-bad, maybe-good. And they're cowards so they take the easy way.