20 years gone? [Updated Feb 25]

[Blind-Sided]

I'm curious, so many of the things you say she's mentioned are from so long ago, what does she say about the last 3-5 years of your marriage?

 

 

She hasn't given an exact length of time... but the more recent time she says things like... "Going though the paces"... "putting on a happy face", and so on. With the exception of the last 3-1/2 months... there wasn't anything specific. When I ask what trigger it all... it's meet with a "Just been thinking about it since I was approaching 40".

 

Does she blame you for your career choices and the absences involved? I don't have to tell you, travel and marriage can be a delicate balance...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

Yes and no. She has said I have gotten to change jobs, and that wasn't fair, but going back into the family biz, we talked about it, and she told me I should do it. The travel isn't a problem that has come up. But I think it's shown her that she can be by herself. As you can imagine, that's only half the truth. I'm only gone for a week or so at a time, but when I get home, I take care of the stuff she can't, and my $$$ still hits our account. AND... there are times I'm home for 3 or 4 weeks. In those times, I don't have to go into an office, so I'm the one who is home to handle the kids on a snow day. (it really is a skewed reality to her)

 

I was thinking the fact that you mentioned her mother went through menopause early and was heavily medicated, that was obviously a topic for discussion at some point. If you have any relationship with her mother, she may be a good person with whom to discuss the topic. If she does not have a good relationship with your wife, then I would instead talk to your mother and get her advice and see if she would be willing to help - or perhaps her sister. If you talk to her sister from the vantage point that you are doing everything you can to save your marriage, maybe she could give you some insight and/or broach the subject with your wife. As long as you are approaching the topic from a place of love and concern, no one could blame you.

 

Like Finding My Way said, I was all over the board in respect to my cycle. I would go months with nothing, then go for a full 3-4 weeks very heavy (sorry so graphic.)

 

You mentioned your mother-in-law was medicated during her menopause. After my surgery, I opted for no hormone replacement therapy (HRT) because of the increased risk of breast cancer and did absolutely fine. Ironically, I got breast cancer anyways, so there's that. I didn't seem to need HRT, but maybe it would benefit your wife.

 

 

 

Her mom is a bad person, and I've never gotten along with her. Heck... most of the time, over all these years, when I find my wife upset... it was normally after talking with her mother. Now, before you say... "Well that's the stereotypical mother-in-law." No... not at all. Let me give you the real deal. When the wife's father passed away... 2 of her brothers wouldn't come to the funeral as long as THIER MOTHER was there !!! How's that for a happy family. My wife just feels obligated to take care of her for some reason.

 

 

I don't know if my mom could keep it together to actually talk to her about it or not. My folks feel betrayed by this.

 

 

As far as the graphic thing... it's not gross... we are adults... and I really wanted to know. AND, with that knowledge, I think we may be there. While I'm not logging her cycle at all... I do notice the wrappers in the bathroom trash, and over the last year or so... it's been random, and sometimes long. (2 weeks?)

Edited March 2, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[mark clemson]

I'm only gone for a week or so at a time,

 

 

Hi again, Blind-Sided.

 

Several people have mentioned the possibility of an affair/OM. That's because it's quite common around here (and in general).

 

In a way I hate to mention this, but it is possible for you to hire a PI to keep an eye on your wife during your week-long trips. If you decided to do this, the purpose would be to eliminate that possibility.

 

Obviously not something to choose lightly, but something to think about.

[BaileyB]

I hope you are getting some support. I hope you are able to go for individual counselling, to help you to process these feelings and this transition.

Edited March 2, 2019 by BaileyB

[giotto]

I could have written this thread. Although our children are older, the story is similar. My wife blamed everything on me, because I used to get angry 10 years ago about our sexual life - pretty not existent. Apparently. I frightened her so badly, that she can't have sex with me anymore. Now. 10 years after the episodes (very limited, and for wanting sex once a month, and I have never lifted a finger on her). I'm not a monster. I'm a nice, happy, gentle man. And I am like you. I never got any feedback, explanation, and I thought the issues were resolved. Nope! And I put up with the terrible frequency.

 

Now, listen. Like mine, your wife is mentally ill. There is nothing you can do about it. Your wife has decided to leave you, mine has decided to remove our sex life. I've been punished and I don't really even know why. So, we will be separating after nearly 30 years together. I'm sitting here, still scratching my head.

Edited March 2, 2019 by giotto

[Blind-Sided]

Hi again, Blind-Sided.

 

Several people have mentioned the possibility of an affair/OM. That's because it's quite common around here (and in general).

 

In a way I hate to mention this, but it is possible for you to hire a PI to keep an eye on your wife during your week-long trips. If you decided to do this, the purpose would be to eliminate that possibility.

 

Obviously not something to choose lightly, but something to think about.

 

 

I know, and it has crossed my mind. But I've gotten my hands on her computer and phone a couple times... and nothing is there. AND, it's not in her nature. Sure, anything is possible, but it's highly improbable. In the past, I've had a long term girlfriend cheat on me... and my brother's wife cheated on him. There is just a different mentality, and "Feel" to their personality.

 

 

I don't want to sound strange here... but I would almost like to find out if there was an OM. At least I would have a reason why this is all going down. Right now, it's all unjustified, and illogical. It's kind of like when you see a missing persons report on the news, the people involved want to at least locate a body to have closure. (dont' know if that made sense or not)

 

I hope you are getting some support. I hope you are able to go for individual counselling, to help you to process these feelings and this transition.

 

 

 

This forum, and my fam is all the IC I need. I may be broken up, but as long as I can sleep, I am in control of my emotions.

 

I could have written this thread. Although our children are older, the story is similar. My wife blamed everything on me, because I used to get angry 10 years ago about our sexual life - pretty not existent. Apparently. I frightened her so badly, that she can't have sex with me anymore. Now. 10 years after the episodes (very limited, and for wanting sex once a month, and I have never lifted a finger on her). I'm not a monster. I'm a nice, happy, gentle man. And I am like you. I never got any feedback, explanation, and I thought the issues were resolved. Nope! And I put up with the terrible frequency.

 

Now, listen. Like mine, your wife is mentally ill. There is nothing you can do about it. Your wife has decided to leave you, mine has decided to remove our sex life. I've been punished and I don't really even know why. So, we will be separating after nearly 30 years together. I'm sitting here, still scratching my head.

 

 

 

I agree. There is a mental issue, linked with a toxic friend, pushing her in the wrong direction. If that mental issue is part of an issue like pre-menopause, then I can forgive if there is a change. (and proper medication)

 

 

The funny thing is, I finally opened up to my brother about all of this yesterday. The first thing out of his mouth was... "When my EX went through menopause"........ she would call him, and say how she hated her life, and hated her current husband.... and eventually during the call, she would get mad at him too. It took her a year, and the proper meds to get better. FYI...They have been apart for +20 years at this point, but have to stay in contact because of their kid.

 

 

I find it strange that he told me about that, and I've heard the same from a few people here over the last couple days... and a female friend local to me a week ago. I really think this is where the problem is.

 

 

Thanks for the input everyone.

[giotto]

The funny thing is, I finally opened up to my brother about all of this yesterday. The first thing out of his mouth was... "When my EX went through menopause"........ she would call him, and say how she hated her life, and hated her current husband.... and eventually during the call, she would get mad at him too. It took her a year, and the proper meds to get better. FYI...They have been apart for +20 years at this point, but have to stay in contact because of their kid.

 

 

I find it strange that he told me about that, and I've heard the same from a few people here over the last couple days... and a female friend local to me a week ago. I really think this is where the problem is.

 

 

Thanks for the input everyone.

 

 

It could be, but I think she is a bit too young for that. Not that uncommon though. My wife went through it rather peacefully...

[chryssy83]

I think it’s weird you are so resistant to IC. I personally think we could all benefit from counseling even when we aren’t going through something like this. I go and my therapist says I don’t need to come back unless I want to because I’m doing well, responding appropriately, have the tools and support I need to move forward and get through this. Which is nice to hear but I still go back once a month because I feel like she validates me and helps me see my progress. She also asks me some questions that make me consider things I wouldn’t have considered on my own.

 

I think you should go. It certainly won’t hurt you and honestly your wife might take it as a good sign you are working on you.

[mark clemson]

Perfectly understandable, Blind-Sided. Do what makes sense for your specific situation.

 

Hopefully you can get her to open up about what she wants, what it is that is bothering her so much, and what, if anything, you and she can do about it.

[Blind-Sided]

giotto: I want to say... her mom was in her 30's when it happened. She just turned 40. ???

 

Chyssy: I'm not opposed to IC, but at this point, I don't see what it will do for me. (other than cost $$$) AND... I don't like that word. "Validate". (LOL) Why do I need someone else's opinion to make me feel right with the way I feel? (Sorry, I was never a follower) Don't get me wrong, your input has been great, and highly appreciated. If the wife will go to MC, then I'm right there.

 

 

Mark: Me too. I've had a peaceful weekend prepping for my kids party. I'm not saying that's a positive thing right now... but I think, I've got her thinking about "The Family" at the moment, and how it's better as a team.

[Blind-Sided]

OK.. here's a new on for all the people following this...

 

 

Tried to have a bit of a talk to see if her head was in a different place. (she's had upward of 10 weeks on her newest med) and while we were talking, she was getting upset. It eventually came out that she stopped going to her IC. When I asked why... she responded with... "You wanted me to stop because you said you don't trust her !"

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Just to clarify, a few weeks ago, before heading out on a biz trip... I told her that "a counselor is a person selling a service, and they don't have to live with the outcome." I said this to her because I simply wanted her to think about everything before I was gone for a week. But some how, in her mind, it turned into "Stop going".

 

Needless to say, my response was... "I never said to stop". AND... then I told her to make another appointment if she actually like the IC... and she said... "I don't want to spend the money."

 

I don't even know why I'm posting this, other than I'm frustrated with everything, and I'm really seeing how her mind is twisting the truth, and making it so she can blame me.

 

 

Oh... also, since I had no one who could approach her about the perimenopause, I simply asked if she would be willing to be checked for it. It wasn't received well... but not as bad as I thought. In some ways, I'm thinking she may actually do it.

Edited March 8, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[vla1120]

I just want to say that IC vs MC is a slippery slope. This is why I always recommend MC when you want to save a marriage. In IC, a therapist is treating your wife in regards to what is in her (your wife's) best interest. Since she is only hearing one side of the story, she may be sympathetic to your wife's position, especially if your wife has not told her therapist that her goal is to save your marriage.

 

A marriage counselor gives the two of you an opportunity to speak openly with a mediator who will help the two of you understand each other's concerns, needs, etc., in a way that does not always happen when the two of you are speaking alone and are perhaps defensive or close-minded to one another.

 

I am glad that she might go get her hormone levels checked. I hope you will consider MC together.

[elaine567]

Just to clarify, a few weeks ago, before heading out on a biz trip... I told her that "a counselor is a person selling a service, and they don't have to live with the outcome." I said this to her because I simply wanted her to think about everything before I was gone for a week. But some how, in her mind, it turned into "Stop going".

 

Needless to say, my response was... "I never said to stop". AND... then I told her to make another appointment if she actually like the IC... and she said... "I don't want to spend the money."

 

I don't even know why I'm posting this, other than I'm frustrated with everything, and I'm really seeing how her mind is twisting the truth, and making it so she can blame

 

Is she twisting the truth?

I think by you dismissing the value of the counsellor, she then felt bad going to what in your mind is someone making money out of other's grief.

Also, as YOU do not want to go to counselling due to the cost then I can see where she is coming from as regards "wasting money".

Seems to me she is someone who doesn't want to go up against you.

Your throw away line sounded like a dig, so she stopped going.

 

I also guess she does not agree that she is the one that needs fixing whilst you go on merrily on your way. A way she is frankly not that happy with, else why are you in this mess in the first place?

You both need to go to IC and then both to MC.

As you are supposedly "just fine" and she is "the problem" it is causing a dynamic that is not helpful here.

[DKT3]

I agree with the above post, it's all your fault Blindsided, your wife is perfect and any issues she brings is your fault.

 

No but really, it maybe a good idea to see someone together to help the conversation along. Ignore all of the blame shifting that happens here.

[Blind-Sided]

Vla1120: I think you and I are thinking on the same level. Yes, the IC sees one side, and helps someone get through an issue. AND, in this case, the issue isn't a marriage. The one sides issue is me. (A total monster in her mind) AND... if the councilor has had some bad relationships... she could be anti-marriage anyway.

 

 

I have brought up the MC, but she just seems like she just doesn't want it. So, her goal isn't to save the marriage. I just get the feeling now that she has made a choice, and wants to stick with it. (I'll expand on that shortly)

 

 

 

 

Elaine: I do see your point, but she is using the $$$ as a wedge. I've never said I won't go to IC because of money to her, and I've asked a few times if she will go to MC. As far as the value of an IC, I do see it. That's why I wanted her to go again. (She has over the years) Right now, my "IC" is a combination of a few people. 1) My folks. I know they are on my side, but my mom won't pull punches, and will flat out tell me when I'm wrong. 2) A close male friend who has known me for 16 years. 3) A female friend who is part of this neighborhood "Woman's" group. I figured if I was total wrong... she would tell me. (Since she found out from the wife) But surprisingly, she sees it for what it is, and has been there on the bad days. 4) A female friend who has known both of us for 13 years, and when I told her... the first thing out of her mouth was... "That doesn't sound like her at all".

 

 

Like I said before... if this comes to an end (I think that's close) I just need time.

 

 

As far as the "She needs fixed Vs. the I need fixed"... I guess with the limited info that get's typed here... it's hard to judge that. But she is the one who was already in and out of IC, and is on Prozac. I've never needed that. AND, since she brought this to me... I've listened, and tried to resolve any issues that she brings up, but that's generally met with anger. (She doesn't like when her "Truths" are shown to be false.)

 

 

Regardless... thank you for the info looking at the other side. It helps keep me focused.

 

 

DKT3: I agree. I really wish she would just say OK to MC. I was opposed to it at first, but I've heard it from so many people, that I think it's the right thing to do. But over the last couple months, it's been blown off.

 

 

 

 

To all: The last few times I've tried to talk to her, (about the situation) I was met with "I need to get this done so I don't get fired"... "It's late and don't want to say the wrong things."... and " I'm in the middle of working on this report". Oh... and I almost forgot... "I need to go up to my mom's to deliver these GS cookies." So... without a doubt, she simply doesn't want to talk about the issue. (FYI, these would be times where the kids are gone, or sleeping)

 

 

Now... My main issues has become... along with me feeling like I am being attacked, and tortured... but now I feel like I'm just being used. (for the combined pay and someone to help with the kids) I don't know who said it, but somewhere in all of this, someone said "How can she really miss what she has while you are together?" At this point, I'm really seeing that. So, without a separation... how can I get her to see the value of "US" when all she sees is the anger of the past??

 

 

The talk we finally had... in part was me asking... "If you were done when you told me 4 months ago, why are you still here, and why didn't you just start the paperwork?" (since I never actually got a fair chance to resolve the issues) She never answered this question directly, just like she has never said "Divorce, Separate, or "It's over" in all of this. But this is why I feel used.

 

 

OK... there's a lot more, but this has gotten long already. Thanks for listening everyone.

[elaine567]

Right now, my "IC" is a combination of a few people. 1) My folks. I know they are on my side, but my mom won't pull punches, and will flat out tell me when I'm wrong. 2) A close male friend who has known me for 16 years. 3) A female friend who is part of this neighborhood "Woman's" group. I figured if I was total wrong... she would tell me. (Since she found out from the wife) But surprisingly, she sees it for what it is, and has been there on the bad days. 4) A female friend who has known both of us for 13 years, and when I told her... the first thing out of her mouth was... "That doesn't sound like her at all".

But that is not IC, that is just parents and friends no doubt backing you up and making "There, there" sounds.

[DKT3]

Sometimes the unhappy party will push the other to "make the decision " this more often happens when the man is unhappy and he mistreats the woman until she puts an end to it.

 

To me this sounds like a case of how much you're willing to give before you decide its enough, I have a feeling that she wants out but wants you to make the move. Not getting any answers on what she wants is an answer.

[Blind-Sided]

Elaine: Yes... to a point you are right. But (#4) the female friend of 13 years... she has had a rough marriage, and is kind of in my wife's situation. I knew that her man was a pain to her (different education levels) but I thought it was all superficial. BUT, after I opened up to her, she gave me more details, and the fact that he cheated on her early in the marriage. Her point has been... she opened up, and simply talked through the issues. This is where my wife is... well... wrong. Even now, she won't talk, and is internalizing things until they cause an explosion.

 

 

My wife says that communication is a problem... but then won't actually communicate her issues, and says... "I should have know there was a problem and asked." (To me... that's dumb, and has no logic.)

[Blind-Sided]

DKT3: Yes... I feel the same way, and I brought that up to her a while ago. I made it akin to "Death by cop". (Where someone who wants to die, but can't do it themselves, will simply pull a gun on a cop)

 

 

Anyway, I've told her a few times now that this is her situation, and I won't be the one who files, since I'm the one asking to forgive the past (now that I have knowledge of it), am trying to work on the issues she has brought up, and I'm the one who is trying to keep it together. In the conversation I got in yesterday morning... I told her that again, and I also said... "I will simply start to unravel our finances, since that will protect me." I started with... "This isn't a scare tactic" (since I was accused of that too) I went down the list on how it would get done, and there were a few things that caught her attention. 1) She will need to get her own phone. and 2) she will need to get the payoff on her car, and get a loan in her own name. (I obviously would do the same) FYI: She has a lease on a $40k SUV, and that will jump up to at least a $500/mo payment that I won't be helping with.

 

 

In some ways... it feels like having the "Moving out" talk with a teen. She knows the cost on all of this, but when she is slapped with it, it starts to scare her. BUT, I think this is also why she hasn't walked away yet.

 

 

 

 

Please don't get me wrong... I don't want any of that... I want this to all work, and to be given the chance to fix things... but I think it has to be done.

 

 

On that last note... Just to let everyone know... I have told her... "If you give me an honest chance to resolve the issues, and I fail... then I will accept the outcome." Right now... to me... a life choice is being made for me, and the last 20 years are being ripped away.

Edited March 10, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[Ronni_W]

"<snip>... then I will accept the outcome." Right now... to me... a life choice is being made for me,

This may sound totally 'wrong', and unfair and unjust, but your divorce is not predicated upon, and does not need, your active 'acceptance', agreement with or approval of the outcome.

When she is ready to file, and she files, everything will move forward with or without you wanting it, resisting it or absolutely, defiantly against it.

 

The 'life choice' that you have is no longer about your marriage, it is about how you want to carry on with the rest of your own life...whether it is in this situation and environment,

or whether it is after one or the other of you have decided to make a clean break.

 

Unfortunate and regrettable to say, the time of your "old marriage" has passed. All 'life choices' connected with the old would be best seen as no longer being available options.

 

Hugs. I know how much it sucks, and hurts, and sucks.

[ufo8mycat]

Why don't you just book the marriage councellor, and tell your wife that you would really like her to join you.

 

MC isn't just for saving marriages - its for communicating. MC can assist the separation process.

 

One thing that is quite obvious to me is that your wife is sick of carrying the mental load of the relationship. By you asking HER to book MC, you have put the thinking work, the emotional work and the emotional doing on to her.

 

https://www.abc.net.au/news/health/2017-09-14/the-mental-load-and-what-to-do-about-it/8942032

 

Same with the travel - sure, you may be around for weeks but when you are away she owns all the load. Its called wifework for a reason.

 

She clearly has built up resentment and even though you don't mean to dismiss her concerns - the message she is receiving isn't the same as what you intend to send.

 

THIS is why you need MC. Your posts communicate that the problem is hers and not you. Past problems she should just move past.

 

Intended or not - you are lacking empathy.

 

Book the MC. Whats the worst that can happen? You spend a few bucks, you go alone and you get to be right.

 

Edit: "you should have asked" IS the mental load. She shouldn't have to ask. You should also just do i.e the nappies example.

 

When someone has to ask - you view her as the manager of the chores, the children, the household, the social life - whatever. When she has to ask she still "owns" the job, even if you DO the job

 

So own the job, make the MC appointment.

 

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

Edited March 11, 2019 by ufo8mycat

[Blind-Sided]

Ronni: Yes, I understand completely. Actually... I've said that all to her. One point I made to her was, "If you were done, and had no intention on allowing me to resolve the problem... why did you torture me for the last 4 months? You could have started the process without me." The point I was trying to make here is... after knowing someone for almost half my life (exactly half of hers) how can she turn on me, and just simply not care?

 

 

I can tall you the answer at this point. (but I'm still in disbelief) It was for her own personal gain. She dropped this all on me, but really didn't have an escape plain. And, for some reason... she thought my family would still support/help her. (She is not thinking logically)

 

 

UFO8Mycat: OK. I understand what you are saying, but I don't really agree with all of it.

 

 

Yes, I understand, and accept the idea of the mental load. But, that load is what she made. I didn't always travel for work, and honestly, I don't like it. I would prefer a local job. But a few years back, I wasn't happy with what I was doing, and the "Family" biz needed me. Two key employees were removed, and since I know the biz, it was easy for me to pick up the slack. BUT... before I told my brother I would do it... I sat down with my wife, and we talked about the pros/cons with it. (Travel/family/24-7/not getting away from talking about biz during fam functions) She told me to do it, and she would be fine taking care of the kids while I was away.

 

 

In this case, if the "Mental Load" was more than she could handle... then all she needed to do was talk to me about it. This is where all of the problems are... SHE never talks to me about the issues, and now I'm getting blamed for 20 years worth of stuff.

 

 

On the point of lack of empathy... that's not really the case. On this forum, I'm not pulling any punches, and I'm saying like it is. But when talking with the wife, it's totally different. I have accepted the issues of the past, and I have asked for forgiveness several times. I have directly asked her "What do you need to be happy again?" But she won't answer a lot of this directly.

 

 

And finally... I think you are right on the MC. Since she is twisting my words to make the "Truth" into what she needs it... then maybe the "I booked the MC, and would like you to come" option is the only way to make it a way that can't be misconstrued. Unfortunately, I don't think it will help at this point.

 

 

 

 

To All: Today is supposed to be a "Line in the sand" day... but I need minor surgery. Originally I was just going to live with the issue for a while, but I started to think... If I don't get it fixed now, it may be a long time. So, I guess I will just have to suck it up, and try to hold it together for a while. But I don't know how I can. My 8 year old came into my room this morning, and I asked what was wrong. She said "I need mommy". It absolutely crushed me. Needless to say, I didn't fall back to sleep.

[Blind-Sided]

UFO8Mycat: I just read the mental load story, and I agree with it... AND... it directly points at what it wrong. One of the end points was "reduce your expectations". That is a major issue. Before all this went down, the wife was talking about all the nice houses that she is seeing when taking our oldest kid to friends houses. OK, one of them is a fam that has money. But the majority are just people like us who are "Middle class". I remember talking with her about one house, and it is very nice... but my comment back to her was... "But do you see what cars they are driving? The mom was driving an 8 year old minivan, and the dad drives a 7/8 year old corolla." My point back to the wife is, she wants a new/nice car, and she is the one who chose the +$40k SUV with leather, and NAV.

 

 

I also followed this up with another friend that lives in a house that is VREY rough and dirty. AND, they both drive cars that almost won't pass inspection.

 

 

But this just makes my point. My wife is only focusing on the bad, or what she doesn't have... and not on the good. That's why when she came to me a few weeks ago, and said that she "Tried to make a list of what was good with me", and all she could come up with was... "I fix things". (like I said, she has made me a monster)

Edited March 11, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[ufo8mycat]

She told me to do it, and she would be fine taking care of the kids while I was away.

 

 

In this case, if the "Mental Load" was more than she could handle... then all she needed to do was talk to me about it. This is where all of the problems are... SHE never talks to me about the issues, and now I'm getting blamed for 20 years worth of stuff.

 

 

. I have directly asked her "What do you need to be happy again?" But she won't answer a lot of this directly.

 

 

And finally... I think you are right on the MC. Since she is twisting my words to make the "Truth" into what she needs it... then maybe the "I booked the MC, and would like you to come" option is the only way to make it a way that can't be misconstrued. Unfortunately, I don't think it will help at this point.

 

 

.

 

1. My ex husband travelled a lot for work. We discussed his travel load and I was ok with it, for quite some tone. Then things changed and I wasn’t OK with it. Intentionally or not, he would shut down discussion any time I raised concern. He liked the travel, the money was good, we made use of the FF points. I stopped talking about my worries as I never felt heard. If your wife asked you to make major change, would you? Or would you debate with her the merit of the change?

 

2. Something to consider - your wife doesn’t actually actually know what specific thing she needs. Your constant pushing for an explanation or solution makes it worse. The good thing about MC (and IC) is that it can help you put words around your feelings, to describe the things you can’t quite put your finger o .

 

I was miserable before ending my marriage and it was complex that I couldn’t answer the same question. Through IC I could pin point the issues and it also meant that I had much healthier boundaries in future relationships

 

You guys need help to communicate, you may not think YOU do - which is part of the issue.

 

3. You can only do your best. Book an appointment today

[ufo8mycat]

I guess I had a similar issue with my ex. I was an avid follower of Chanel. So when travelling we always went to the flagship Paris boutique. I owned a lot of Chanel. We we separated my ex husband thought I was ungrateful, that he gave me so much and I didn’t acknowledge it. Where as I felt it was just stuff. Nice stuff and if on offer, sure, not saying no. But there is no deep need being met here.

 

Now here was the kicker. I like Chanel frocks. They look and feel amazing - but it didn’t make me happy. I liked driving my impractical European car, but it didn’t make it happy. They were nice to have. I admired the houses in the expensive suburbs ... you get the picture.

 

Maybe the Cars don’t make her happy? Which isn’t the same as being unhappy. I have fabulous shoes but they don’t fill me with joy.

 

I think you guys might be talking at Cross purposes over this stuff.

[Blind-Sided]

UFO8mycat:

 

 

1) That's the problem... SHE NEVER tried to talk to me about this. (or really anything) Would I make a change??? ABSOLUTLY !! She knows I don't like to travel, and I have other things I can do. That actually came up after all this, and on top of the "You told me to do it"... I said, "I can do xxxx to stay local". Her response is... "Well, you've gotten to change jobs over the years, but I haven't been able to." This is another "Non-truth" she tells herself. Over the years, I have encouraged her to look around. She just never did.

 

 

 

 

2) While I understand that point... how is ripping apart a family going to help her decide? Like I said... she is angry, but has no escape plan. My real fear is, once I'm no longer the target, the kids will be.

 

 

3) I know.

 

 

 

 

To the second post, I understand stuff doesn't (ultimately) make people happy... but it's what she wanted. So, if a major amount of the monthly budget is going to something she wants... How am I supposed to put $$$ into a bathroom, or other remodel. OR... into a newer, larger house?? One of her friends local has paid off their house. That has come up. I have said... if we didn't have the car payments, ours would have been paid off too. (they were driving slightly lower class of cars, and keeping them until they didn't pass inspection) But the wife refuses to accept the logic of that. The other logic she refuses (and think it actually makes her more angry) is when I tell her... if these are the things you need... then how is throwing away everything we've built going to make that better?

 

 

Like I said... she is twisting the truth, telling herself lies, and ignoring logic.

 

 

Oh... and something came up the other day while talking to my dad. He ask when the last time she said she loved me. I thought about it, and said... "She told me she loved me the morning of the same day that she said she didn't love me." Knowing that... how was I to know there was a real problem?

Edited March 11, 2019 by Blind-Sided