Is this the beginning of the end?

[dsprimal]

I just don't want to get friend zoned or end up like one of her guy friends who may have started off the way me and her started but due to her lack of commitment ended up in a friendship rather than pulling the cord and respecting themselves and leaving.

 

Can she truly be genuine? My intuition says shes definitely not their yet to be committed but its worrisome because I don't know if she ever will be. But another part of me knows things worth while take time and she is definitely worth being patient and allowing her to open up at her own pace.

 

Should it be that clear cut? either you are in or you are out? I know it has only been a month of dating but time and feelings have been invested. Shouldn't you know by then if it is going to be something long term right off the start?

[smackie9]

Like one poster on your other thread said...you blew it by having that intimate conversation...now there is no challenge or mystery that women love...a strong, masculine aloof type. You showed yourself as weak and brah that is the kiss of death. You got sappy on her after sex, that's a turn off. Now she's put you on the ok to have sex with, but not what she wants in a BF list.

[d0nnivain]

You have been dating a month & she's not ready for exclusive. If you want exclusive & you want to know when she is socializing with other men, she's not ready to give you that yet. You asking for it, will push her away. You are not wrong for wanting exclusivity but you are wrong if you think she's prepared to give it to you.

 

If you are OK with continuing what you are doing: dating, talking & having sex but not defining your interaction with labels, carry on. The more you push for "exclusivity" the more she is going to want to run. If you loosen up the reigns I think she will stay faithful because it's the words not the actions that are freaking her out. When I was 16 the guy I was dating called me his girlfriend & I promptly dumped him because the title bothered me so much.

 

 

If you can dial it back & say something like I can see that the labels & this conversation are upsetting you so I'm willing to dial to it back. We don't have to define anything right now but I really don't want to be one of multiple guys you are sleeping with. I don't care who you socialize with nor will I attempt to limit that but if you have some idea that it's OK to have sex with me & others I don't want to be involved with that.

See what she says.

[dsprimal]

Like one poster on your other thread said...you blew it by having that intimate conversation...now there is no challenge or mystery that women love...a strong, masculine aloof type. You showed yourself as weak and brah that is the kiss of death. You got sappy on her after sex, that's a turn off. Now she's put you on the ok to have sex with, but not what she wants in a BF list.

 

 

Trust me. I know exactly where you are coming from and how this ruins relationships early on. But my intuition knows that this is of a different matter. Sure I could be blinded and not seeing clearly due to my emotions. But she is deep and understanding of where I was coming from. She is genuine. We are both 31 and communication is important to us. No games. I am an open book when the time comes to being open and I am OK with that. Because at the end of the day if a girl that see's potential in you hears you on your deepest level and accepts that truly, that is a start to a solid foundation am I right?

 

You have been dating a month & she's not ready for exclusive. If you want exclusive & you want to know when she is socializing with other men, she's not ready to give you that yet. You asking for it, will push her away. You are not wrong for wanting exclusivity but you are wrong if you think she's prepared to give it to you.

 

If you are OK with continuing what you are doing: dating, talking & having sex but not defining your interaction with labels, carry on. The more you push for "exclusivity" the more she is going to want to run. If you loosen up the reigns I think she will stay faithful because it's the words not the actions that are freaking her out. When I was 16 the guy I was dating called me his girlfriend & I promptly dumped him because the title bothered me so much.

 

 

If you can dial it back & say something like I can see that the labels & this conversation are upsetting you so I'm willing to dial to it back. We don't have to define anything right now but I really don't want to be one of multiple guys you are sleeping with. I don't care who you socialize with nor will I attempt to limit that but if you have some idea that it's OK to have sex with me & others I don't want to be involved with that.

See what she says.

 

The only thing that worries me is that she told me she wants to invest her all or more into me because she sees more romance and something long term or worth while with me in comparison to other guys. She said she has drifted from them because of ME. she said she doesn't enjoy spending time with others and spreading herself out when she can invest her all into ONE person because she wouldnt obviously be giving her ALL to me if she her mind/heart were spread across balancing others.

 

But on the contrary she now tells me she still wants her FREEDOM but confirms she has no interest in anyone else but ME and that she will remain intimate with only me so i have nothing to worry about besides taking our time.

 

Additional info - when we hooked up she didn't want me to go down on her because its TOO intimate of a thing. To me that shows she truly has self respect for herself and the relationship. She also told me she doesnt give oral to most men. signifying that I was "special" to her for her to give something so personal away to me. This was all spoken of earlier in the day before we hooked up for the first time that night.

[d0nnivain]

Can you stop talking about it & just enjoy each other's company at least until after the holidays?

 

If you can hush this might be OK. If you insist on talking it to death you will kill all the romance. She's not comfortable with the discussion.

[smackie9]

No. Her being vulnerable so soon and you the like is a set up for codependency, which is not a solid foundation...it turns unhealthy. Sounds to me emotionally she is nowhere near ready for a committed relationship with anyone. Basically you are heading into the friends zone.

[dsprimal]

She sent a voice message today saying "Hey hope your morning is going well. I hope you're enjoying the coffee mug. Have a great day" So I replied with a text after being short and sweet. saying "My morning was good. I didn't actually bring the mug today but I will use it eventually. Hope your day is going well".

 

Should I be direct with her when we talk about it in person? I'm sure we will dive right into it the next time we hangout.

 

Should I tell her "look...i'm not trying to be another friend. I'm not sure if the guys you are currently "friends" with started out the same way me and you did. I'm NOT ok with that."

 

or

 

"I understand where you are coming from but I have to do whats right for myself. I feel like we have spent a good amount of time together to get a gist of what we see in each other."

 

My friend used an analogy of test driving cars. She test drove this car (me) 6 times. She should know if she can be exclusive and purchase the car by now or at least feel confident in it to not want to test drive other cars.....

Edited December 10, 2018 by dsprimal

[kendahke]

She told me comnittment and wearing the title scares her.

 

Throw this train in reverse and back it up.

 

She sounds like she still wants the freedom to sleep with this dude she's been smashing with since before you came on the scene. I wouldn't get wrapped up in that mess.

[d0nnivain]

Should I be direct with her when we talk about it in person? I'm sure we will dive right into it the next time we hangout.

 

Hell no!

 

STOP TALKING about it. Seriously. If you can't shut up, she will dump you. She doesn't want to talk about. She wants the dating you have.

 

To use your car analogy, she isn't done shopping. If you need her to be, then she will automatically decide to get a different car.

[Occitanie]

She told me she likes her FREEDOM - This is the most important part. She’s telling you to slow your roll. She’s feeling smothered. She feels like she’s losing her freedom. If you want any chance, you HAVE to back off.

 

You’re overpursuing her.

 

 

 

 

My GF said the exact same thing back when we first started dating: She said she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship.

 

It set alarm bells off in my head “She doesn’t like me that way”. I was wrong, I just had to back off, give her space, and let her come and go as she pleased.

 

I backed off, and look at us now, 6 months down the line...

 

 

 

I recommend you do the same:

 

1) BACK OFF: Let her get in touch with you.

2) When she gets in touch, assume she wants to see you and SET A DATE. Keep going like this.

3) SLOW DOWN. Don’t rush this. Let her bring up exclusivity and stop trying to commit her to a relationship - let HER bring up exclusivity.

 

Trust me, you won’t get any better advice.

[Occitanie]

She sent a voice message today saying "Hey hope your morning is going well. I hope you're enjoying the coffee mug. Have a great day" So I replied with a text after being short and sweet. saying "My morning was good. I didn't actually bring the mug today but I will use it eventually. Hope your day is going well".

 

Should I be direct with her when we talk about it in person? I'm sure we will dive right into it the next time we hangout.

 

Should I tell her "look...i'm not trying to be another friend. I'm not sure if the guys you are currently "friends" with started out the same way me and you did. I'm NOT ok with that."

 

or

 

"I understand where you are coming from but I have to do whats right for myself. I feel like we have spent a good amount of time together to get a gist of what we see in each other."

 

My friend used an analogy of test driving cars. She test drove this car (me) 6 times. She should know if she can be exclusive and purchase the car by now or at least feel confident in it to not want to test drive other cars.....

 

 

That was your chance to ask her out.

 

Always assume when she reaches out first that she wants to see you.

 

I would have replied “The coffee mug’s great. Hey, how about you come over with some whiskey and we can have some Irish coffees together. When are you free?”

 

Either she accepts or she doesn’t, if she doesn’t simply say “Let me know if you change your mind. I’ve gotta run, keep in touch”.

[dsprimal]

That was your chance to ask her out.

 

Always assume when she reaches out first that she wants to see you.

 

I would have replied “The coffee mug’s great. Hey, how about you come over with some whiskey and we can have some Irish coffees together. When are you free?”

 

Either she accepts or she doesn’t, if she doesn’t simply say “Let me know if you change your mind. I’ve gotta run, keep in touch”.

 

That sounds like an exact quote from Corey Wayne! But ok. I feel like that would have been too soon to ask out again after such a deep conversation we had. So I felt like it wasn't right to instantly ask her out again off of her 1st message after our talk. I will give it time....next time she reaches out or whenever I will gauge off that then ask again.

 

Or am I wrong? should I just ask her out ASAP? now i'm unsure of what is TOO MUCH!

[d0nnivain]

She's fine spending time with you. What she doesn't want is to discuss this relationship to death.

 

Ask her for a date & nail down plans for NYE. But hush up about deep discussions or defining what you two are to each other. Save that discussion for After Valentine's day . . . yes, February 2+ months from now.

[olivetree]

I think that's a lot of intimacy and pressure for 5 dates.

That would scare a lot of people.

 

You need to dial it back and just have fun with her.

 

I definitely would not want to have sex with someone who was having sex with others though.

[some_username1]

I think that's a lot of intimacy and pressure for 5 dates.

That would scare a lot of people.

 

You need to dial it back and just have fun with her.

 

I definitely would not want to have sex with someone who was having sex with others though.

 

It would only scare someone who wants to play the field- like this girl. You should really know by 5 dates if you can see yourself dating thst person long term. You also can't dial it back and go back to a non-sexual relationship just because she has admitted she is screwing around.

 

There seems to be a lot of advice that OP should be wishy washy and passive and let her dictate how this plays out even though that isn't what he wants-- pwrsonally I prefer the opposite approach of being a man, growing a spine and speaking up and standing up for what he wants.

 

He wants her to at least stop seeing other people and has told her that, she doesn't want to. That should tell him everything he needs to know and OP should have accepted her decision and stood up for what he stands for and moved on at that point. Back pedalling and deciding he can go along with it for now is weak and shows a lack of decisiveness and if she was on the fence about him before, seeing him accept the opposite of what he wants is going to kill the last vestiges off. A man who can't back up his words is one of the most unattractive things a woman can encounter.

[olivetree]

It would only scare someone who wants to play the field- like this girl. You should really know by 5 dates if you can see yourself dating thst person long term. You also can't dial it back and go back to a non-sexual relationship just because she has admitted she is screwing around.

 

There seems to be a lot of advice that OP should be wishy washy and passive and let her dictate how this plays out even though that isn't what he wants-- pwrsonally I prefer the opposite approach of being a man, growing a spine and speaking up and standing up for what he wants.

 

He wants her to at least stop seeing other people and has told her that, she doesn't want to. That should tell him everything he needs to know and OP should have accepted her decision and stood up for what he stands for and moved on at that point. Back pedalling and deciding he can go along with it for now is weak and shows a lack of decisiveness and if she was on the fence about him before, seeing him accept the opposite of what he wants is going to kill the last vestiges off. A man who can't back up his words is one of the most unattractive things a woman can encounter.

 

I am not suggesting he be wishy washy but lay off the talk of past trauma and defining the relationship since she's made it clear she isn't ready yet.

 

If he's not cool with that, then absolutely he can walk away.

 

But if he IS going to stick around, which is what he said he would do, then he should stop talking about the relationship and give her some time to say she wants to be exclusive.

He should, however, not accept anything but sexual exclusivity if that is important to him.

 

She could lose him too - he could meet another woman.

[preraph]

She's honest at least. She still wants to leave herself free to date other guys. It is really soon, especially for someone who was already involved with another guy.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You want an exclusive relationship she isn't offering you that.

You have found someone you see a future with, she hasn't.

You have somewhat trauma bonded to her, she wants freedom.

I guess you could get pretty hurt here.

 

Bottom line, she does not want a relationship w/you. If she was really interested, she would want to be exclusive. Best to leave her alone and date other women. This is coming from someone who has heard this same excuse from several guys.

[dsprimal]

Ok so last night she texted and said that her guy friend who she has been on and off with for a couple years reached out and she told him it is over and that she wants to see where things go with ME now. She said that chapter is finished.

 

I kept it cool asked her which guy exactly she was talking about and that was the only one I really needed to worry about because they had history. So I kept it cool and told her I appreciate her letting me know. She said “ok i’m glad I thought about you today...!”

 

Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

She's coming around. Be patient. Let her get there at her own pace. No pressure.

[dsprimal]

I feel like an idiot though. The convo was fine left at this point when she said shes glad and that she was thinking of me. But then my curiosity and millions of thoughts ran through my head and I asked her what exactly her eating disorder was and she said anorexia but mixed with a couple other things. Then she said its weird texting about it tho.

 

I didnt reply to that cause I felt like an idiot plus I ended up pssing out shortly after that reply.

 

How should I text her this morning??

[d0nnivain]

Just say good morning beautiful or something.

 

Stop probing. Not everything has to be a full blown discussion. You are trying to be her BF not her therapist.

[dsprimal]

“Hey good morning sorry I passed out last night....I hope you have a great day”

 

Or should I acknowledge what I asked and how she left off? Just totally ignore it and dont brush up on it?

[d0nnivain]

“Hey good morning sorry I passed out last night....I hope you have a great day”

 

Or should I acknowledge what I asked and how she left off? Just totally ignore it and dont brush up on it?

 

My answer hasn't changed:

 

Just say good morning beautiful or something.

 

Stop probing. Not everything has to be a full blown discussion. You are trying to be her BF not her therapist.

 

First thing in the morning she does NOT want to talk about her mental illness manifest by an eating disorder with her new guy. Plus those issues are so deep & so painful they should not be discussed over text.

 

You are hellbent on screwing this up aren't you? Just go with the flow & stop picking at every vulnerable point this woman has. Stop with the deep conversations. Keep things light & fun for several months. You can delve deeper after Valentine's Day, assuming you get that far.

[fred123]

after 5 dates you should be able to have the exclusive discussion. if she was into you she probably would and wouldnt find it pushy