Why didn't he tell his wife he loved me?

[Hbroken]

OK but have you ever considered that you not leaving your wife was a cowardly and disrespectful way to behave towards her?

Maybe the fact she seems no hold no grudge against you, is the best you could hope for, not the worst as you seem to think.

Maybe it would be as well not to poke the bear, as I guess your wife is still clueless...

 

I'd never said I would...In the past she had given me an ultimatum and I refused and let her go and then she came back herself... I had always been honest at least with her....and she broke off with her bf because she was unhappy with him not because I asked her to

[Hbroken]

I get it. After all the years you had together and in consideration of the genuine feelings you had for each other, you deserved more than a text.

 

My xMM dumped me with an email. Twice.

 

Apologies ... I seem to have hijacked your thread:-(

[Superluminal]

I feel so so resentful.... And the truth is that I don't think she even has insight into how it felt... I had thought that at some point she'd have the courage to come and say to me that she owed me more than that...but I guess she is pretty self absorbed and also a conflict avoider... There was a time when she asked me if she could borrow money to buy a house and I gave it to her... There were so many times she rang because she was so lost emotionally in her LTR and I was always there to listen for her... For the last 3 years there was no PA just her facing indecision about her LTR and me giving her courage to do what was right for her...and always making her feel that she was valuable even though her by didn't make her feel so...

I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling that I didn't tell her that it was a cowardly and disrespectful way to behave towards someone you 'hope we can still be friends' with!!

I am going to ask her if I can speak with her... Largely to find out which of us is likely to leave our job so that we can get on with our lives (if she isn't moving then I have to)and hopefully at that meeting I will tell her exactly how irreverently she chose to behave when her needs had been met

 

If you feel you need this conversation, go ahead. My xMM and I had one final conversation after he sent his second dump email and to be honest, I'm glad that it happened. I said some things that I thought important he know and that I would have regretted not saying.

 

And I agree with another poster's comment...I'm sure it took her a lot of courage to send that text. I had wanted to end it with my MM for over a year. I had practiced what I wanted to say but as soon as I saw him sitting across from me, I wimped out and changed my mind in that moment, only to regret it later. I couldn't bear the though of dealing with his emotions for I knew he would have been devastated. I even wrote many draft emails to him, telling him that I couldn't do it anymore but I just couldn't get myself to hit that send button.

[ice3784]

I asked myself that many times at the time...why doesn't he file for divorce? I assumed he was still trying to adapt to the new situation (which was proving to be very stressful) and didn't want to deal with it yet. And I didn't pressure him about this either. I figured he just needed more time. Wow...was I wrong. Reality was, he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce.

 

Why did he go back? Because he was terrified his children would hate him, which was his greatest fear through-out the entire time we were together. Going back was not about the marriage but about the kids.

 

No, she doesn't know. He told me they never talked about me and that she never asked about me either.

i can so much relate to this part. until i find out that they are so lovey dovey in their daily whatsapp conversation , felt so much like a fool

[Superluminal]

Ouch ice...that's harsh.

 

I'm having a really bad day today. This is so frustrating. Yesterday I felt like a superhero...able to withstand anything and feeling positive about my future. But not today. I woke up angry which eventually morphed into sadness.

 

I'm really struggling with reconciling his actions with his words. And how he chose to go back home to his wife and kids, after 2 years with me.

 

Every day of those 2 years, he told me he loved me. He told me that I was the best friend he ever had, more than he ever had with is wife. That I brought him out of his shell and made him feel like he was truly loved for who he is. That he could be his true self with me without fear of criticism. That I made him feel loved.

 

I felt so loved by him too. My xH never made me feel this way.

 

Why would he go back to a life that was, in his words, suffocating? Where the last few years before I came along, his life revolved around work, kids and hours playing on-line video games, just to avoid dealing with his unhappy marriage? To a wife that berated him constantly and always prioritized friends and family over him? He felt like she only valued him as an ATM machine and live-in nanny.

 

I just can't make sense of it.

 

I don't want to believe he lied about everything...that's too difficult for me to consider at the moment.

Edited September 14, 2017 by Superluminal
Fixed spelling mistakes

[jah526]

 

Every day of those 2 years, he told me he loved me. He told me that I was the best friend he ever had, more than he ever had with is wife. That I brought him out of his shell and made him feel like he was truly loved for who he is. That he could be his true self with me without fear of criticism. That I made him feel loved.

 

 

I've been thinking about this a lot too. I'm thinking it may have something to do with respect, which in the mind of a man may actually have more weight than love.

 

I know mine felt like he could be his true (evil) self with me, because he didn't really respect me. He could ask me to do things he wouldn't ask his wife to do. He could tell me things he could never tell his wife. Yeah, I may have been his "best friend" as he claimed, but it's only because he could happily treat me like s*** without suffering consequences.

 

He doesn't have an open and honest relationship with his wife. But he does love and respect her, and keeps himself in check (to some extent) in order not to hurt her. Me? He could've cared less.

[sandylee1]

Ouch ice...that's harsh.

 

 

I don't want to believe he lied about everything...that's too difficult for me to consider at the moment.

 

Maybe he meant it at the time.

 

I'm really doubtful his marriage was as bad as he made it out to be.

 

Wherever possible though, if a marriage can be saved, that will be the preferred option.

Especially with kids involved.

[Superluminal]

It's been about 6 weeks of NC with my xMM and I feel like I've been run over by a bulldozer. I can't stop obsessing about his decision to reconcile with his wife. The pain of rejection is unbearable at times.

 

(My story is posted here...2 years together as a couple, him legally separated during that time...then he gets cold feet and moves back home for the kids all the while, staying friends/EA with me until he decides to make one last attempt with his wife.)

 

A question for waywards (or anyone with some insight) who decided to try and makes things work with their spouses...if you knew that your connection/bond/compatabilities with your AP were stronger, would you still choose to stay with someone who wasn't that to you? Would you choose a life less lived for the sake of kids/money/fear?

[Steve51]

It is very common for a married man with kids to go back to his wife. What is called New Relationship Excitement wears off and then it is a logical decision, not emotional at that point. NRI makes you want to spend all of your time with your new lover, overlook their faults and find everything they say interesting. Once that is gone people start to think with their brains, not their genitals anymore.

[deadsoul]

I'm a wayward and I can't answer that, only your MM can. I think your focus has to not be on him and his choices, but you and yours. Focus on you. Grieve the pain and try to move on. I have a feeling that MM will be back when things get tough with his wife.

 

For the record, and you probably don't want to hear this because your relationship was probably different, but my feelings for my OM were limerence.... not real... and once the reality set in (and he ghosted me), I knew that he wasn't the right person for me anyway. OM was an escape for marital things and problems I chose to avoid and evade. In a very bad way.

[BaileyB]

I also can't answer the question because I have never been in that position, but I agree that you need to focus more on yourself and take the focus off your married man.

 

He has clearly made his decision. I too would not be surprised if he came back to you when things get difficult with his wife... after all, that was his coping strategy when he began the affair. The question is - are YOU going to be in a strong and healthy place, moving forward on your own path, such that you will not be vulnerable to take this man back - this man who has cheated and lied to his wife, children, and to you and proven that he is an unreliable and untrustworthy partner.

[Superluminal]

I know....I shouldn't obsess over his decision but it's a personality flaw of mine. I pick apart every detail and try to understand it. It works well in my career where I need that strength but not in my personal life during emotional situations. It actually makes me sick at times.

 

I am trying though.

 

At what point does limerance become true love? We were together for 2 years, living together for one of those years. Long enough for the infatuation to die down and true genuine love to settle in? Isn't that how all long-term non-affair relationships progress?

 

I know no one can tell me what's going on in my xMM's mind. I guess I just wanted to know how someone could choose to be in a relationship knowing that it may never be a fulfilling one.

[misspalmy]

time will heal. took few mths for me to get over him. but i know i dont have to put up with a cheater so makes me feel better

 

hope things work out in time for u xx

[elaine567]

 

At what point does limerance become true love? We were together for 2 years, living together for one of those years. Long enough for the infatuation to die down and true genuine love to settle in? Isn't that how all long-term non-affair relationships progress?

 

Yes it is, but at that point whilst you were dreaming of love everlasting and thought you had found "the love of your life", HE was in an entirely different place and HE was thinking it wasn't working for him and thus decided to return to his wife.

At that point, he had probably done a cost benefit analysis, OW vs wife and unfortunately for you, he chose his wife and marriage.

 

There is a misconception that affairs are somewhat bullet proof that once the wife and kids are out of the way, then it is joy ever after, but an affair is a relationship like any other and some work and others just don't.

There is no special dispensation, no guarantee.

 

ALSO many, many single men come on here wishing they could make it back up with their ex "I treated her bad, I didn't realise what I had, I want her back", but the ex being a single woman has moved on and doesn't want him back.

In the case of a MM his "ex" is often still around and, especially if she has kids, will take him back in a instant.

That was what you were up against, and here he decided his bread was much better buttered with her than with you.

 

YOU can surmise anything you want regarding his motives, his happiness, his life, but when the chips were down he chose her and rejected you.

Your relationship with him was/is NOT the stronger one.

You are projecting your feelings onto him and no doubt he is/was feeding you a load of nonsense to keep you on board too..

 

That is hard as you thought you were on the home run but he unceremoniously relegated you back to the substitutes bench...

Your ego is hurt, but you need to let your head take over here and start thinking this through rationally and not emotionally.

[jenkins95]

A question for waywards (or anyone with some insight) who decided to try and makes things work with their spouses...if you knew that your connection/bond/compatabilities with your AP were stronger, would you still choose to stay with someone who wasn't that to you? Would you choose a life less lived for the sake of kids/money/fear?

 

Hi (((SuperL)))

 

Sorry to hear you are in such a difficult place. I believe that where you are now is the toughest phase of NC. I think you can get through about a month or so on sheer determination and adrenaline, but when that wears off, it is a world of pain and nowhere to hide from it. But, after around 3 months, you should (gradually) start to feel the pain recede a little, week by week, month by month. You are recovering from addiction, you are detoxing. It is tough for a long time, but stick with it. A year from now, you may even be almost your old self again. I truly hope so.

 

I was a WH who decided to reconcile with my W when given a chance after D-day. There is no question that, at that time, I felt more of a connection with the OW than with my wife. But with my feelings all over the place, I decided to use head over heart thinking and I applied logic and common sense. I saw that the reason I was far more connected with the OW was obvious - that was where I had been putting all my effort and emotional investment. The OW was new and shiny and exciting and I had only seen her best side. Hormones and limerence were clearly massively involved. Our R was like escapism to each other from the real, sometimes mundane worlds that we lived in. On the other hand, it was no surprise that I felt disconnected from my wife - I was deliberately distancing myself from her to enable my affair and to justify it in my mind, I was re-writing history. I was keeping big secrets, I was emotionally absent. She could do no right in my mind and the OW could do no wrong.

 

I also remembered how connected I had felt with my wife years ago, before normal life kicked in with all its mundane routineness and before the OW came into my life and I realise that I had, at one time, been just as connected with my wife as I was with the OW.

 

So I had two choices, both being a big risk. I could leave my family while still trying to be as involved a parent as possible (which I don’t believe is as easy as some Internet articles would have you believe) and make a go of things with the OW or, end the affair and put all the investment and emotional energy back into my marriage, effectively rebuild it, and try to get that connection back. I was tormented with indecision for a long time, but I went for the second option. While both options had their risks, one option guaranteed the destruction of a family and I would have had to have been 100% sure that I was making the right decision if I'd left to be with the OW...and I simply wasn't.

 

The reconciliation journey is not easy. Two years in and we still feel quite raw – lots of tough conversations and soul searching has taken place and this has been exhausting. But we have reconnected and built a new marriage and it was definitely the right decision for us. This in no way undermines the feelings that the OW and I had for each other - they were genuine. But they were feelings borne out of a selfish, toxic indulgence that neither of us should have pursued in the first place. I am now living an honest life, honouring my commitments and can look at myself in the mirror. Do I still occasionally miss the exhilaration, excitement, non-stop compliments and worship that came with my A? Full disclosure - yes I do! But it was a selfish, narcissistic fantasy, not sustainable for the long term. Never again. I truly hope the OW has moved on and is living a great, happy, authentic life – I wish her nothing but the best. Had we attempted to be together we would have been in for a very tough ride indeed, huge devastation would have been caused and we would have made a lot of enemies. Once the newness and fantasy element had worn off, would it all have been worth it? That was a leap of faith I was not prepared to take.

 

Also, I would not have stayed simply “for the kids” and to live a “live less lived” as you put it. I had to know that there was at least a chance that my wife and I could reconnect emotionally and have a happy connected marriage again. I also hope that this is the case with your xMM. I am not saying that to be cruel to you. On the contrary, I believe it would be far more cruel if he gave up what you had just out of a sense of obligation. Far better that he learns from this experience to build a good relationship for his family again.

 

And whatever happens, he will never forget you. Take it from someone who was in a similar position to him. He will always have a place for you in his heart, but it was an impossible situation. You need to take care of yourself now, recover and then the world will be your oyster again.

 

Good luck SuperL. It will get better, hang in there and keep positing. Thinking of you.

Edited October 18, 2017 by jenkins95

[jenkins95]

Yes it is, but at that point whilst you were dreaming of love everlasting and thought you had found "the love of your life", HE was in an entirely different place and HE was thinking it wasn't working for him and thus decided to return to his wife.

At that point, he had probably done a cost benefit analysis, OW vs wife and unfortunately for you, he chose his wife and marriage.

 

There is a misconception that affairs are somewhat bullet proof that once the wife and kids are out of the way, then it is joy ever after, but an affair is a relationship like any other and some work and others just don't.

There is no special dispensation, no guarantee.

 

ALSO many, many single men come on here wishing they could make it back up with their ex "I treated her bad, I didn't realise what I had, I want her back", but the ex being a single woman has moved on and doesn't want him back.

In the case of a MM his "ex" is often still around and, especially if she has kids, will take him back in a instant.

That was what you were up against, and here he decided his bread was much better buttered with her than with you.

 

YOU can surmise anything you want regarding his motives, his happiness, his life, but when the chips were down he chose her and rejected you.

Your relationship with him was/is NOT the stronger one.

You are projecting your feelings onto him and no doubt he is/was feeding you a load of nonsense to keep you on board too..

 

That is hard as you thought you were on the home run but he unceremoniously relegated you back to the substitutes bench...

Your ego is hurt, but you need to let your head take over here and start thinking this through rationally and not emotionally.

 

Truly excellent post - the bolded bit is key.

 

As cruel and cold as it sounds, when we are put in a position where we have to choose (I was there and it is an absolute nightmare), we are FORCED to do a cost benefit analysis. In most cases, when broken down to logical units, the OW would have to be Miss World with an IQ of 200 to overcome the considerable weight on the other side of the balance - including possibly the loss of good friends and family, making enemies, loss of status, money, house, shiny new Mercedes, etc, limited access and possible loss of respect from kids...and of course a wife, who he may still, at least on some level, love.

 

Once it comes down to the cost benefit analysis, the OW rarely wins. It is no reflection on the OW herself, but against those odds, it's like trying to swim against the tide.

Edited October 18, 2017 by jenkins95

[MJJean]

At what point does limerance become true love? We were together for 2 years, living together for one of those years. Long enough for the infatuation to die down and true genuine love to settle in? Isn't that how all long-term non-affair relationships progress?

 

According to Dr Crookerly in his book False Forms of Love, limerence can last anywhere from 2-4 years.

 

Tennov, the psychologist who seems to have been the pioneer of limerence research, said she believed limerence lasts 18 months to 3 years on average.

 

So, I'd say people who experience limerence can expect it to last anywhere from 18 months to 4 years. At 2 years, your relationship ending could have coincided with limerence fading.

[kittencupcake]

I know....I shouldn't obsess over his decision but it's a personality flaw of mine. I pick apart every detail and try to understand it. It works well in my career where I need that strength but not in my personal life during emotional situations. It actually makes me sick at times.

 

I am trying though.

 

At what point does limerance become true love? We were together for 2 years, living together for one of those years. Long enough for the infatuation to die down and true genuine love to settle in? Isn't that how all long-term non-affair relationships progress?

 

I know no one can tell me what's going on in my xMM's mind. I guess I just wanted to know how someone could choose to be in a relationship knowing that it may never be a fulfilling one.

 

Of course not all relationships progress that way..if that were the case then everyone would marry and stay married to their first boyfriend or girlfriend. Goodness..I can't imagine being married to my middle school boyfriend...yikes!

 

A relationship is a relationship no matter how it begins. Not all of them are meant to work out. I'm sure you've endured break ups before..the pain of this one will fade just like the pain of the others has faded.

[Superluminal]

But if at some point in the reconciliation you decided it wasn't working, would you leave?

[kittencupcake]

But if at some point in the reconciliation you decided it wasn't working, would you leave?

 

So it seems like your real question is about how to get him away from his wife and back to you again. If I'm being honest, I think it's very, very unlikely.

 

Wanting an ex back is a pretty common part of any break up, especially if you are the one who was dumped. Please do yourself a favor and close the door on this one.

[Superluminal]

No, that's not what I asked. Why can't anyone just answer my questions?

 

Yes, I'm in the early stages of recovery where I sometimes hope for a different outcome. But I'm not stupid either. I know why he made the choice to go back. I know I was #2. I get it. I am moving forward with the knowledge that it's over. But every now and again, I stumble and my thoughts betray me.

 

I feel like I'm being kicked when I'm down.

[elaine567]

Why would you want him back, he spurned you in favour of his wife, is that not a very good reason to never want to have anything to do with him ever again?

I never want to be second best to anyone, that is not how I work, I do not really understand how a man can reject you and choose another woman over you, and you still want him back...

[kittencupcake]

No, that's not what I asked. Why can't anyone just answer my questions?

 

Yes, I'm in the early stages of recovery where I sometimes hope for a different outcome. But I'm not stupid either. I know why he made the choice to go back. I know I was #2. I get it. I am moving forward with the knowledge that it's over. But every now and again, I stumble and my thoughts betray me.

 

I feel like I'm being kicked when I'm down.

 

No, but it was implied in your post. I wasn't trying to kick you..I was trying to help.

 

My answer:

 

No, if I had cheated on my husband and I got a second chance with him and it didn't work out, I would not go back to the person I cheated with. Hypocritical as it sounds in that situation, I don't think I could permanently be with someone who was willing to be with a married person. I didn't answer before because I thought the answer would hurt you more..

 

I hope you get over this hump and feel better soon.

[Superluminal]

Why would you want him back, he spurned you in favour of his wife, is that not a very good reason to never want to have anything to do with him ever again?

I never want to be second best to anyone, that is not how I work, I do not really understand how a man can reject you and choose another woman over you, and you still want him back...

 

I don't want the weak, lying, cowardly, conflict avoidant, indecisive man back. I want the sweet, gentle, caring man who was my best friend back. I miss that person terribly.

 

I know its not logical or rational. And I know it will pass. But in those moments when the pain is intolerable, I grasp for hope wherever I can find it.

[Superluminal]

No, but it was implied in your post. I wasn't trying to kick you..I was trying to help.

 

My answer:

 

No, if I had cheated on my husband and I got a second chance with him and it didn't work out, I would not go back to the person I cheated with. Hypocritical as it sounds in that situation, I don't think I could permanently be with someone who was willing to be with a married person. I didn't answer before because I thought the answer would hurt you more..

 

I hope you get over this hump and feel better soon.

 

If you cheated on your husband? Are you a BS, WS or OW? I see that you post all over the place in this forum. If you have no direct experience with this situation, I respectfully ask you to decline from offering up your hypothetical answers.

 

And it's not because I don't like your answer. It meaningless without the benefit of experience.