Why didn't he tell his wife he loved me?

[BaileyB]

So my MM and I had our talk. He felt he needed to explain his decision to reconcile.

 

He said that he knew he had to either stay or leave but decided that he couldn't leave until he knew there was absolutely no chance of being happy in his marriage. He didn't set a time limit but said that he would continue working on his marriage until he felt sure, either way. He has already decided that if it's over, he'll live alone for awhile.

 

He then told me I'm an amazing person and the best friend he's ever had. And wish we had done things differently so that we might still be together today.

 

I agreed with him. I wish things had gone differently. I told him that I knew he had lied about many things over the years but that I wasn't mad at him for it for I had chosen to stay in the relationship...every minute of every day. I'm mad at myself. And that's the truth.

 

Time to move on...

 

Time to move on. I'm sorry.

[road]

First the lie...then the backstory.

 

MM made a trip home with his kids to visit with his parents. He said his wife was not going with him. However, I saw pics on fb cleary showing her there with him. This made me finally realize that he'd been lying to me all along. About everything. And I feel like such a fool for believing him.

 

My backstory:

We're coworkers but work in different departments. I'm divorced with two kids (due to infedility on my husband's part) and he's married with 2 kids. It started about 5 years ago. We starting chatting and became good friends. This friendship lasted for over a year at which point, he declared feelings for me. And I reciprocated. He left the marital home and filed for legal separation. For almost two years, we were together. But guilt finally got the better of him and he went back home "for the sake of the kids". I was absolutely devastated.

 

A short while later, he approached me asking if we could be friends. I told him it wasn't a good idea having me in his life since he was reconciling with his wife. He said that they weren't reconciling and that he had told her that he was only there for the kids. And I fell for it...hook, line and sinker. I was desperate to have him in my life and would take whatever scraps I could get.

 

But eventually, we slipped back into a relationship, akin to what we had at the beginning but I now realize was an EA (for me). He continued to talk of his marital woes at home and his wife pressuring him to reconcile but was adament to me that it was not something he was intending to do. We didn't talk about "us" or our future together and never saw eah other outside of work. But we talked and emailed every day. This went on for almost 2 years!

 

Flash forward to today. After years of perpetuating this lie (and many others, as I've come to realize), I've had enough. While it hurts to know that she was on vacation with him, it's the lies that hurt the most.

 

So now I'm lost with how to proceed. I need to end it. I haven't told him yet that I know about the lie(s) and don't know if I should mention it or just fade off into obscurity. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I feel ashamed at my own stupidity for actually believing there was still something between us. I feel like such a loser.

 

It is:

 

The straw that broke the camel's back.

 

 

Also it's:

 

Cheaters are liars.

 

WH lies to his BW.

 

So why is your OM not going to lie to you?

[jenkins95]

So my MM and I had our talk. He felt he needed to explain his decision to reconcile.

 

He said that he knew he had to either stay or leave but decided that he couldn't leave until he knew there was absolutely no chance of being happy in his marriage. He didn't set a time limit but said that he would continue working on his marriage until he felt sure, either way. He has already decided that if it's over, he'll live alone for awhile.

 

He then told me I'm an amazing person and the best friend he's ever had. And wish we had done things differently so that we might still be together today.

 

I agreed with him. I wish things had gone differently. I told him that I knew he had lied about many things over the years but that I wasn't mad at him for it for I had chosen to stay in the relationship...every minute of every day. I'm mad at myself. And that's the truth.

 

Time to move on...

 

(((Superluminal))) I know you are mad. I know you are hurt. I know you are vulnerable and upset. But know that, as affair break-ups go, this one isn't so bad and neither of you are in any doubt that there were genuine feelings involved.

 

Move on now and never have anythign to do with him again.

 

If you do, I feel that you will recover quicker than most.

 

Wishing you all the best. x

[sandylee1]

It just seems like a terrible waste of your time.

 

4 years down the drain and he's back with his wife. Even if he and her don't work out, he's confirmed he won't be with you.

 

I bet none of these MM would want their own daughters treated like this. Terrible.

[Hip Pocket]

So my MM and I had our talk. He felt he needed to explain his decision to reconcile.

 

He said that he knew he had to either stay or leave but decided that he couldn't leave until he knew there was absolutely no chance of being happy in his marriage. He didn't set a time limit but said that he would continue working on his marriage until he felt sure, either way. He has already decided that if it's over, he'll live alone for awhile.

 

He then told me I'm an amazing person and the best friend he's ever had. And wish we had done things differently so that we might still be together today.

 

I agreed with him. I wish things had gone differently. I told him that I knew he had lied about many things over the years but that I wasn't mad at him for it for I had chosen to stay in the relationship...every minute of every day. I'm mad at myself. And that's the truth.

 

Time to move on...

 

I'm glad that you two had your talk. If there is ever a follow up meeting I hope you share it with us. In the meantime take care of yourself and try to heal.

 

(((Superluminal)))

Edited August 26, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
off topic ~T

[Superluminal]

So it's been a few weeks of NC and it's been very hard...to say the least. Thankfully I was able to arrange to work from home for a few days a week to minimize the potential contact with my MM. I've seen him from a distance but our paths haven't crossed since we had our talk.

 

Those few times I've caught sight of him from across the room, my immediate emotion is anger. I'm so mad for all the energy I put into the relationship yet ended up with nothing. That he chose to take the energy to make it work with his wife and not me. I'm struggling with this, considering how horrible he described his marriage to me. This can only mean one of two things: he lied or he's a wimp. I'm sure it's the first one. But believing he lied about everything...did that mean what we had together was a lie too? Did he not love me? Or even care about me? Ugh!!

 

I'm trying to move forward with my life in a positive way...going out with friends, doing things I love but it feels like I'm existing in this dark cloud that prevents me from feeling any joy or happiness. I'm going through the motions of the day but I feel completely distraught inside. Even my dreams are haunted by my unanswered questions and fears.

 

Sometimes I imagine scenarios where he comes back to me...tells me he's divorcing and wants me back in his life. For those brief moments that I allow myself these thoughts...I feel a relief from this dark cloud. I don't know if this a good thing but sometimes I just need a break from all the darkness.

 

And to top it all off, I had to make the heart-wrenching decision to put down our 15 year old family pet this week. That pushed me over the edge for a few days with inconsolable crying and despair.

 

Is he suffering too? If he is, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him to be feeling what I'm feeling and working on a relationship with his wife at the same time. I barely have the energy to interact with my kids and coworkers, let alone a romantic partner.

 

Sorry for the rambling...I just needed to put it out there. I know it will get better. But it just sucks in the meantime.

[jenkins95]

This can only mean one of two things: he lied or he's a wimp. I'm sure it's the first one.

 

I'm sure it's both and that you are better off without him.

 

I'm sorry to hear how distraught you feel, SL. Just know that it is perfectly normal this early after such a trauma. You WILL get better. Just stay the course and be strong and it will happen naturally and you will be so glad that you are free of this toxic situation.

 

I'm also really sorry about your pet - that sucks at such an otherwise awful time.

 

You that we care and are here for you.

[Hbroken]

So it's been a few weeks of NC and it's been very hard...to say the least. Thankfully I was able to arrange to work from home for a few days a week to minimize the potential contact with my MM. I've seen him from a distance but our paths haven't crossed since we had our talk.

 

Those few times I've caught sight of him from across the room, my immediate emotion is anger. I'm so mad for all the energy I put into the relationship yet ended up with nothing. That he chose to take the energy to make it work with his wife and not me. I'm struggling with this, considering how horrible he described his marriage to me. This can only mean one of two things: he lied or he's a wimp. I'm sure it's the first one. But believing he lied about everything...did that mean what we had together was a lie too? Did he not love me? Or even care about me? Ugh!!

 

I'm trying to move forward with my life in a positive way...going out with friends, doing things I love but it feels like I'm existing in this dark cloud that prevents me from feeling any joy or happiness. I'm going through the motions of the day but I feel completely distraught inside. Even my dreams are haunted by my unanswered questions and fears.

 

Sometimes I imagine scenarios where he comes back to me...tells me he's divorcing and wants me back in his life. For those brief moments that I allow myself these thoughts...I feel a relief from this dark cloud. I don't know if this a good thing but sometimes I just need a break from all the darkness.

 

And to top it all off, I had to make the heart-wrenching decision to put down our 15 year old family pet this week. That pushed me over the edge for a few days with inconsolable crying and despair.

 

Is he suffering too? If he is, I can't imagine how difficult it must be for him to be feeling what I'm feeling and working on a relationship with his wife at the same time. I barely have the energy to interact with my kids and coworkers, let alone a romantic partner.

 

Sorry for the rambling...I just needed to put it out there. I know it will get better. But it just sucks in the meantime.

 

I speak of my own experience as an Ex MM of 10 weeks and if he is anything like me I think he is suffering too...more than you can imagine and I am sure he is now truly going to evaluate his marriage... you know in someways your presence probably made his marriage tolerable...now that you've gone he will start feeling the loss and seeing the gaps in himself and his marriage....

it hurts a lot when you work with someone..I am living the nightmare daily...I care deeply for my ex OW...but breaking a marriage esp with kids takes a lot of courage and I don't have that ...at least not yet....her loss however has made me realise that I have lived my whole life as a coward and conflict-avoider and slowly I am working on these aspect in the hope of living a braver more authentic life....in the interim, I know that I have lost someone (my OW) I cared for and probably truly loved because of my cowardice.

[BTDT2012]

My condolences on the loss of your pet.

[Superluminal]

I speak of my own experience as an Ex MM of 10 weeks and if he is anything like me I think he is suffering too...more than you can imagine and I am sure he is now truly going to evaluate his marriage... you know in someways your presence probably made his marriage tolerable...now that you've gone he will start feeling the loss and seeing the gaps in himself and his marriage....

it hurts a lot when you work with someone..I am living the nightmare daily...I care deeply for my ex OW...but breaking a marriage esp with kids takes a lot of courage and I don't have that ...at least not yet....her loss however has made me realise that I have lived my whole life as a coward and conflict-avoider and slowly I am working on these aspect in the hope of living a braver more authentic life....in the interim, I know that I have lost someone (my OW) I cared for and probably truly loved because of my cowardice.

 

Hbroken...you are a clone of my xMM. He too struggles with self-worth and is a huge conflict avoider. The word "authentic" has come up many times in our conversations too. I'm glad he's realized that he has these issues to work through (and you too!). I've read your other posts and it gives me some possible insight into his thought processes during our relationship. I boosted him up. I made him feel special. I filled a void. (To be honest, this makes me feel a bit...minimalized, for lack of a better word?) In truth though, I honestly thought he was an awesome dude. I just wish he could see what I saw in him. But I know it has to come from within. Interesting though...I've come to realize that his issues, if left unresolved, would have eventually infected our relationship if it had continued. Failure was inevitable. For some strange reason, this gives me a bit of peace.

 

I believe 100% that my xMM is going through what you described above.

 

Thank-you for your perspective. It has been a life saver.

[Superluminal]

My condolences on the loss of your pet.

 

Thank-you.

[Superluminal]

Hbroken...I have a question, if you don't mind.

 

I believe that in general, affairs happen because 1) the psychological make-up of the WS is such that they are vulnerable and 2) problems in the marriage.

 

Does that ring true for you?

[Hbroken]

I am sure we were both unhappy with our primary relationships but it didn't seem that obvious to either of us at that time...there was attraction and it was so much fun..we never paused to think why we were doing this

 

My OW is also definitely a conflict avoider and so in that way we had a similar makeup

[Hbroken]

its almost 3 months for me now that we broke up...we work together so I see her almost 2-3 x week. she talks to me like I am just a work colleague at times and at other times behaves as if I am the most awkward person to be around....it is so very hard ....and infuriating because I have no idea what I will face next...we never really spoke about the relationship after she texted to say she wanted out because she couldn't wait for me any longer....I felt abandoned and bereft...yet I guess she feels that way too but as I was the one who was dumped, I have adopted the kind of victims mindset and therefore haven't felt that I could ever go and talk to her myself first

[Hbroken]

Hbroken...you are a clone of my xMM. He too struggles with self-worth and is a huge conflict avoider. The word "authentic" has come up many times in our conversations too. I'm glad he's realized that he has these issues to work through (and you too!). I've read your other posts and it gives me some possible insight into his thought processes during our relationship. I boosted him up. I made him feel special. I filled a void. (To be honest, this makes me feel a bit...minimalized, for lack of a better word?) In truth though, I honestly thought he was an awesome dude. I just wish he could see what I saw in him. But I know it has to come from within. Interesting though...I've come to realize that his issues, if left unresolved, would have eventually infected our relationship if it had continued. Failure was inevitable. For some strange reason, this gives me a bit of peace.

 

I believe 100% that my xMM is going through what you described above.

 

Thank-you for your perspective. It has been a life saver.

 

You know superluminal...if I weren't married id have dropped everything and gone to my OW in a heartbeat...however then we probably wouldn't have had the intense, addictive relationship that we did have ....so whilst you may feel minimalised, its less about you and more about the nature of the relationship...we tend to value that more which we don't have.... if he were in a primary relationship with you, you could have easily been the BS and there would have been someone else....

[S2B]

I hope you will start dating available men!

 

Do not date or see any men until their divorce has been finalized!

 

I hope you will have that guideline in your future.

 

Hugs!

[jenkins95]

You know superluminal...if I weren't married id have dropped everything and gone to my OW in a heartbeat...however then we probably wouldn't have had the intense, addictive relationship that we did have ....so whilst you may feel minimalised, its less about you and more about the nature of the relationship...we tend to value that more which we don't have.... if he were in a primary relationship with you, you could have easily been the BS and there would have been someone else....

 

I think you are spot on here Hbroken. The relationship would not have been the same in the "real world" and it would have left a trail of destruction in it's wake, which would have been sure to cause everyone involved stress and pain for a very long time to come. The fact that we "can't" have it, only makes it seem more alluring, tragic, special. But it's not really. Having read a lot of your and SuperL's posts, I think that I am very similar to you and SuperL's MM. I am also a fMM.

 

After my A ended I felt a bit like this (from HBroken): -

 

"if I weren't married id have dropped everything and gone to my OW in a heartbeat"

 

this is also true of me (also HBroken): -

 

"I know that I have lost someone (my OW) I cared for and probably truly loved because of my cowardice."

 

But here's the thing. I am now two years out from the end of my A. I have worked constantly on myself and my wife and I have worked constantly on the marriage since the shocks and horrors of D-day. The results have been amazing in reconciliation and I am so glad to be where I am right now. You see, the flaws us MM have, such as conflict avoidance, risk-taking, selfishness and cowardice....it is these that often sabotage the marriage and make it seem like it is not working. It is not necessariy the marriage itself but our own flaws and our inability to work on them...or even recognise them that is destroying the marriage from within.

 

If I'd run away with the OW (and I was tempted for a while), I now see that it would have been disastrous for so many people, including the OW, AND I would be taking those character flaws straight into that relationship without having had to work on them. The bliss and euphoria would unlikely have lasted for long. I think this would probably have been the case also for HBroken and SuperL because in both cases, like me, we are dealing with a conflict avoidant, cowardly, flawed MM.

 

It was the slap in the face of nearly losing my marriage and hurting so many people that forced me to work on myself and see the bigger picture. And it has been so worth it. My marriage is happy again and has essentially been re-built with much more openness. Of course, we still have the spectre of the affair to deal with, but we are getting there.

 

It is really early days for HBroken and SL and many others on here, but if you stick to the path, work really hard on yourselves, I think you will get to the point where you are glad that you are out of a relationship that was essentially toxic and hurtful to many. In saying this, I am not belittling the very genuine feelings that developed in these Rs at all - because I myself felt exactly the same feelings for my OW, and I regularly post that I will never forget her and wish her nothing but the best. I'm sure SuperL's MM has similar feelings for SuperL and will never ever forget her either. Despite what many posters write, not all MMs just put it behind them and carry on as normal. I've taken two years to get to this point.

 

But two years of work and clarity has shown me that, even though the feelings were genuine, the OW and I were very wrong and selfish to do what we did and I am very glad now to be living an authentic life again, not sneaking around and lying.

 

You will get there soon guys. Don't expect to feel much better for a good 6 months or so, but stick to it. It will be so worth it! I wish you all nothing but the best.

 

Keep posting!

Edited September 11, 2017 by jenkins95

[Superluminal]

its almost 3 months for me now that we broke up...we work together so I see her almost 2-3 x week. she talks to me like I am just a work colleague at times and at other times behaves as if I am the most awkward person to be around....it is so very hard ....and infuriating because I have no idea what I will face next...we never really spoke about the relationship after she texted to say she wanted out because she couldn't wait for me any longer....I felt abandoned and bereft...yet I guess she feels that way too but as I was the one who was dumped, I have adopted the kind of victims mindset and therefore haven't felt that I could ever go and talk to her myself first

 

Wow...that must make is very difficult for you to recover. Just a glimpse of my xMM feels like a blow to the stomach.

 

If your OW is like me, I have no doubt she is experiencing cycles of emotions - anger, sadness, despair, regret, etc. revolving through her head constantly. Whatever emotion she happens to be feeling at that moment she speaks to you, it come across in her demeanor.

[Superluminal]

 

But here's the thing. I am now two years out from the end of my A. I have worked constantly on myself and my wife and I have worked constantly on the marriage since the shocks and horrors of D-day. The results have been amazing in reconciliation and I am so glad to be where I am right now. You see, the flaws us MM have, such as conflict avoidance, risk-taking, selfishness and cowardice....it is these that often sabotage the marriage and make it seem like it is not working. It is not necessariy the marriage itself but our own flaws and our inability to work on them...or even recognise them that is destroying the marriage from within.

 

 

In my situation with my WS (whom I divorced shortly after discovering his affairs), realizing my flaws and discovering my true authentic self enabled me to see that my xH and I were so far apart in our compatibilities that it was doomed to fail.

 

I guess it can go both ways.

[Hbroken]

Wow...that must make is very difficult for you to recover. Just a glimpse of my xMM feels like a blow to the stomach.

 

If your OW is like me, I have no doubt she is experiencing cycles of emotions - anger, sadness, despair, regret, etc. revolving through her head constantly. Whatever emotion she happens to be feeling at that moment she speaks to you, it come across in her demeanor.

 

 

I feel incredibly angry with her too when I see her... I felt abandoned! She chose to dump me by text with little regard for the fact that I had been a good friend to her too... of course she was never the OW when we were having the affair..she was in a LTR and I was in my marriage. When her LTR finished, next thing she dumps me by text too:-) ...and then she comes up to me and starts talking as if we were friends ... and then she just chooses to start ignoring me....unbeliveable!

[Superluminal]

I feel incredibly angry with her too when I see her... I felt abandoned! She chose to dump me by text with little regard for the fact that I had been a good friend to her too... of course she was never the OW when we were having the affair..she was in a LTR and I was in my marriage. When her LTR finished, next thing she dumps me by text too:-) ...and then she comes up to me and starts talking as if we were friends ... and then she just chooses to start ignoring me....unbeliveable!

 

I get it. After all the years you had together and in consideration of the genuine feelings you had for each other, you deserved more than a text.

 

My xMM dumped me with an email. Twice.

[Hbroken]

I get it. After all the years you had together and in consideration of the genuine feelings you had for each other, you deserved more than a text.

 

My xMM dumped me with an email. Twice.

 

I feel so so resentful.... And the truth is that I don't think she even has insight into how it felt... I had thought that at some point she'd have the courage to come and say to me that she owed me more than that...but I guess she is pretty self absorbed and also a conflict avoider... There was a time when she asked me if she could borrow money to buy a house and I gave it to her... There were so many times she rang because she was so lost emotionally in her LTR and I was always there to listen for her... For the last 3 years there was no PA just her facing indecision about her LTR and me giving her courage to do what was right for her...and always making her feel that she was valuable even though her by didn't make her feel so...

I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling that I didn't tell her that it was a cowardly and disrespectful way to behave towards someone you 'hope we can still be friends' with!!

I am going to ask her if I can speak with her... Largely to find out which of us is likely to leave our job so that we can get on with our lives (if she isn't moving then I have to)and hopefully at that meeting I will tell her exactly how irreverently she chose to behave when her needs had been met

[sandylee1]

 

I no PA just her facing indecision about her LTR and me giving her courage to do what was right for her...and always making her feel that she was valuable even though her by didn't make her feel so...

I don't want to spend the rest of my

I am going to ask her if I can speak with her... Largely to find out which of us is likely to leave our job so that we can get on with our lives (if she isn't moving then I have to) and hopefully at that meeting I will tell her exactly how irreverently she chose to behave when her needs had been met

 

With all due respect, if you can't handle working with her, then you should leave.

 

I think it's rather unwise to have that conversation with her.

 

If she had a problem working with you, she would have probably left or be looking for a job.

 

You're only seeing it from your point of view. She's probably as angry and hurt as you. She left her relationship and you gave no indication of leaving your marriage.

 

Very often people dump by text to avoid the confrontation and to avoid showing how hurt and still in love with you they are. They want to protect their hearts from hurting so bad.

[Hbroken]

With all due respect, if you can't handle working with her, then you should leave.

 

I think it's rather unwise to have that conversation with her.

 

If she had a problem working with you, she would have probably left or be looking for a job.

 

You're only seeing it from your point of view. She's probably as angry and hurt as you. She left her relationship and you gave no indication of leaving your marriage.

 

Very often people dump by text to avoid the confrontation and to avoid showing how hurt and still in love with you they are. They want to protect their hearts from hurting so bad.

 

Why do you think it unwise? Why should I leave if she has already handed her notice in or is looking to - I won't know until I ask her.... And why should I not see things from only my point of view.. I don't see any brownie points in being seen as the magnanimous one.... She wasn't particularly magnanimous in the way she handled it ... Wasn't it just about her self preservation? And am I not entitled to my self preservation?

[elaine567]

I feel so so resentful.... ..

I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling that I didn't tell her that it was a cowardly and disrespectful way to behave towards someone you 'hope we can still be friends' with!!

I am going to ask her if I can speak with her... Largely to find out which of us is likely to leave our job so that we can get on with our lives (if she isn't moving then I have to)and hopefully at that meeting I will tell her exactly how irreverently she chose to behave when her needs had been met

 

 

OK but have you ever considered that you not leaving your wife was a cowardly and disrespectful way to behave towards her?

Maybe the fact she seems no hold no grudge against you, is the best you could hope for, not the worst as you seem to think.

Maybe it would be as well not to poke the bear, as I guess your wife is still clueless...