Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 16, 2018 Author Share Posted August 16, 2018 Is it possible to move on without having to talk to him? I really don’t want to have to see him right now. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Is it possible to move on without having to talk to him? I really don’t want to have to see him right now. I would like to be able to say yes, but will you really feel it's over if you don't have that final conversation with him? Some people probably can, but I think you will find the questions and doubts will just keeping eating at you if you don't speak to him. Having said that, it isn't necessary to meet in person if you don't feel you're up to it. You could speak on the phone if seeing him will be too hard. Given that you started this thread one month ago, I think it is time to tie this up and go your separate ways. You have been very patient but I would feel it's gone on long enough at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 16, 2018 Author Share Posted August 16, 2018 But what if he doesn’t give me any answers? He hasn’t yet. I don’t even know if he knows why his feelings changed. I am not sure if it is best to get try to move forward without figuring out the whys or have that hard conversation. All I know is that I can’t keep feeling this way. I want to move on and feel better. I just don’t know how today. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 But what if he doesn’t give me any answers? He hasn’t yet. I don’t even know if he knows why his feelings changed. I am not sure if it is best to get try to move forward without figuring out the whys or have that hard conversation. All I know is that I can’t keep feeling this way. I want to move on and feel better. I just don’t know how today. There are no answers he could possibly give you that will make him love you like you deserved to be loved. It doesn't matter what he "tells" you. His actions have shown you that he is no longer "in" this relationship. You have to respect yourself enough not to tolerate this behavior anymore. You don't have to see him in person to break up with him. He is already fading away and is too cowardly to do it himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 But what if he doesn’t give me any answers? He hasn’t yet. I don’t even know if he knows why his feelings changed. I am not sure if it is best to get try to move forward without figuring out the whys or have that hard conversation. All I know is that I can’t keep feeling this way. I want to move on and feel better. I just don’t know how today. I would just tell him that if he cannot commit to a relationship, you have to move on. You can do it over the phone. At this point, you don't know where you stand, so it's no wonder you are not happy. He's not likely to give you an answer as to why his feelings changed because he probably doesn't know himself. Sometimes, things just run their course, and there's no rhyme or reason. It's hard to accept that because you can't fix it. And sometimes people aren't honest because they don't want to hurt your feelings. What if the reason is that he doesn't like something about you? It's hard to tell someone that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 16, 2018 Author Share Posted August 16, 2018 I would just tell him that if he cannot commit to a relationship, you have to move on. You can do it over the phone. At this point, you don't know where you stand, so it's no wonder you are not happy. He's not likely to give you an answer as to why his feelings changed because he probably doesn't know himself. Sometimes, things just run their course, and there's no rhyme or reason. It's hard to accept that because you can't fix it. And sometimes people aren't honest because they don't want to hurt your feelings. What if the reason is that he doesn't like something about you? It's hard to tell someone that. Yes I can respect that it is hard to tell someone what they don’t like about them or whatever his reasons may be. However if I don’t know then how can I improve for future relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Yes I can respect that it is hard to tell someone what they don’t like about them or whatever his reasons may be. However if I don’t know then how can I improve for future relationships? I see your point, but it's probably just something he specifically doesn't like. If that's even the reason at all. Unless you have some major, obvious issues like you can't hold down a job or you drink way too much, something really obvious, it's probably not worth worrying about. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 I want to move on. I want to feel better and not cry everyday. I am stuck. I don’t know know to do that right now. I have tried exercise, spending time with friends, etc. It is not working. I don’t know what to do. Here is what to do... Choose to leave. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 But what if he doesn’t give me any answers? He hasn’t yet. I don’t even know if he knows why his feelings changed. I am not sure if it is best to get try to move forward without figuring out the whys or have that hard conversation. All I know is that I can’t keep feeling this way. I want to move on and feel better. I just don’t know how today. He does not need to give you answers for you to end it. You can choose to make that decision and be done with it and finally start to move on. How does he have so much bearing on your life. You are in charge of your life not anyone else. You are too dependent on him which is codependent. Please choose to do what is best for yourself. I know it is hard but if you really love yourself you will not continue to subject yourself to this. This is only happening and continuing to happen because you are allowing it. Be strong and leave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Yes I can respect that it is hard to tell someone what they don’t like about them or whatever his reasons may be. However if I don’t know then how can I improve for future relationships? Why do you think you need to make the improvements? I don't think you will ever really know why his feelings changed. It likely isn't something precise, and even he might not be able to put it into words. But it doesn't mean that you need to change something about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 My BF wanted a break from us. He wanted time to think about us and what he wants going forward. That was a month ago. We talked about everything 2 weeks ago with nothing changing. I told him I wanted to work on it, but he was still unsure. Many people on here told me to move on and choose me. I was unable to do that. I was still hoping he would want to be with me. I was heartbroken because I wanted him to be the guy I would be with forever. Today I sent him a text (I know not the best choice, but if I was afraid if I heard his voice I would not be strong and change my mind). I told him my needs and wants for my future. I told him I needed to move on. I deserve to be happy. I am afraid I will be alone and no one will love me again. I know that is an irrational thought, but unfortunately that is how I feel right now. Any advice on how to move forward from here is much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 You're not going to be alone. Because now that you respect yourself enough to have boundaries and make good choices, you will attract a better man. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 You're not going to be alone. Because now that you respect yourself enough to have boundaries and make good choices, you will attract a better man. I don’t feel like I respect myself yet. All I did was made a decision that I felt was the right one. I still don’t feel confident in myself. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 My BF wanted a break from us. He wanted time to think about us and what he wants going forward. That was a month ago. We talked about everything 2 weeks ago with nothing changing. I told him I wanted to work on it, but he was still unsure. Many people on here told me to move on and choose me. I was unable to do that. I was still hoping he would want to be with me. I was heartbroken because I wanted him to be the guy I would be with forever. Today I sent him a text (I know not the best choice, but if I was afraid if I heard his voice I would not be strong and change my mind). I told him my needs and wants for my future. I told him I needed to move on. I deserve to be happy. I am afraid I will be alone and no one will love me again. I know that is an irrational thought, but unfortunately that is how I feel right now. Any advice on how to move forward from here is much appreciated. It's definitely normal to feel that way. I've felt that way before, but the feeling eventually passed. One thing about emotions is that they are transient and can change over time. I've looked back over my old threads here and don't identify with those feelings at all anymore. It's almost like a different person wrote them. I went through what you are going through several years ago, and I'm telling you it can get better. It won't happen overnight by any means, but you have to keep telling yourself it will happen if you do the right things. Start with cutting off all contact with him. That's the first step for right now. Did he ever answer your text? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 I don’t feel like I respect myself yet. All I did was made a decision that I felt was the right one. I still don’t feel confident in myself. That comes with time. I felt pretty bad and honestly pretty weak after my last relationship ended. I felt like an idiot for letting it go on too long. I started to gain my self-respect back after I had been NC for awhile and realized I could make a goal and stick to it. Once I started taking steps to live my life apart from my ex, I gained more confidence. But it didn't happen overnight. It was a series of choices that I made, and that takes time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 It's definitely normal to feel that way. I've felt that way before, but the feeling eventually passed. One thing about emotions is that they are transient and can change over time. I've looked back over my old threads here and don't identify with those feelings at all anymore. It's almost like a different person wrote them. I went through what you are going through several years ago, and I'm telling you it can get better. It won't happen overnight by any means, but you have to keep telling yourself it will happen if you do the right things. Start with cutting off all contact with him. That's the first step for right now. Did he ever answer your text? No he has not responded to my text. I’m not sure he ever will. Part of me wishes I could have done it over the phone so I could have heard what he would have said. Maybe that would have given me some closure. I went grocery shopping and almost broke down crying in the store. At least I made it to my car. I hope the pain gets easier everyday. What is going on on my head right now is “did I make a mistake?” Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 No he has not responded to my text. I’m not sure he ever will. Part of me wishes I could have done it over the phone so I could have heard what he would have said. Maybe that would have given me some closure. I went grocery shopping and almost broke down crying in the store. At least I made it to my car. I hope the pain gets easier everyday. What is going on on my head right now is “did I make a mistake?” You did the right thing. Otherwise, you would have continued on in limbo until he eventually broke up with you. The situation wasn't tenable or fair to you. The fact that he didn't answer tells you what you need to know. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have answered immediately to avoid any misunderstanding. He would have taken no chances. Your heart might be wondering if you made a mistake, but, rationally, what was the other choice? I assume you wanted to see if you could wait him out and he would change his mind, but I don't see that happening. That was the only other choice. After three years, the relationship should be progressing. He unfortunately didn't want it to progress. I bet he answers you at some point though. I would prepare for that just in case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 I went grocery shopping and almost broke down crying in the store. At least I made it to my car. I hope the pain gets easier everyday. What is going on on my head right now is “did I make a mistake?” This is so familiar to me.. Take small steps and keep pushing through. Keep on top of the housework, errands etc. Set small goals that you can achieve and it will help you feel better about yourself. I think time and distance is the best thing for it, and trying to feel OK in the meantime. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 You did the right thing. Otherwise, you would have continued on in limbo until he eventually broke up with you. The situation wasn't tenable or fair to you. The fact that he didn't answer tells you what you need to know. If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have answered immediately to avoid any misunderstanding. He would have taken no chances. Your heart might be wondering if you made a mistake, but, rationally, what was the other choice? I assume you wanted to see if you could wait him out and he would change his mind, but I don't see that happening. That was the only other choice. After three years, the relationship should be progressing. He unfortunately didn't want it to progress. I bet he answers you at some point though. I would prepare for that just in case. Part of me was hoping I would hear from him and he would have changed his mind. Such stupid thinking! I know this will be for the best, just so hard right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 18, 2018 Author Share Posted August 18, 2018 This is so familiar to me.. Take small steps and keep pushing through. Keep on top of the housework, errands etc. Set small goals that you can achieve and it will help you feel better about yourself. I think time and distance is the best thing for it, and trying to feel OK in the meantime. Thank you. I will keep my head up and just keep taking baby steps. I like trying to set small goals for myself. The hardest one right now will be no contact. Especially because he still has some of my things, which eventually I will have to get back. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 18, 2018 Share Posted August 18, 2018 Thank you. I will keep my head up and just keep taking baby steps. I like trying to set small goals for myself. The hardest one right now will be no contact. Especially because he still has some of my things, which eventually I will have to get back. I wonder if he'll contact you to give the stuff back. It's kind of crummy not to text you back and at least say something like "I'm sorry it didn't work out. I wish you the best." I think you at least deserve that after 3 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CantTakeMySmile Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 Does he have things that you need back? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 19, 2018 Share Posted August 19, 2018 I know it will be hard to break up with him if necessary. I am fearful of being alone for the rest of my life. I know that sounds silly, but finding someone in my 40’s is going to be harder. My boyfriend and I met at our kids’ bus stop. Yes they go to the same school and were even in the same class. If that happens again this year and we do break up, I will have to see him at school functions. I can be polite and corgial, but it will hurt to see him. Most people can ignore their ex and heal their pain, but I will have a constant reminder of seeing him throughout the school year. That will be difficult. It’s always hard to find someone good . But anything worth having is going to require effort . For what is worth many people, including myself, found love I their 40s and 50s. I got married at 45. I’m certain you would find love again if you were to be single. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 19, 2018 Author Share Posted August 19, 2018 Does he have things that you need back? I let him borrow some things when he had his daughter’s birthday party. Some kitchen items, tables, etc. I guess I could buy new ones if I had to, but I figured those are my things. The least he could do is gather them up and put them outside. I could come and get them without having to see each other. But then again is it worth it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 19, 2018 Author Share Posted August 19, 2018 It’s always hard to find someone good . But anything worth having is going to require effort . For what is worth many people, including myself, found love I their 40s and 50s. I got married at 45. I’m certain you would find love again if you were to be single. Thanks. One day I hope I can find love again. That is my biggest fear right now...not finding someone to share my life with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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