Arieswoman Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 Hope, This ; Why would taking a break change any of the negative relationship dynamics that existed before? Do you think that somehow being away from the person fixes all the problems? It's like walking away from a leaking sink, going back to it a month later and scratching your head and thinking "I left it alone for an entire month why is there still water coming out of the faucet?" nails it IMO sorry x Link to post Share on other sites
guest569 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I have decided that if things are not improving in a couple of weeks then I need to end things. I deserve to be with someone who knows that they want to be with me. I am really scared that by the end of these 2 weeks I will be single. But I guess that is better than being in a one-sided relationship. That's right. I agree with BC1980 (often do). You needn't do the initiating and your intentions are already clear. Just observe his behaviour for the next couple of weeks and see if it is what you need. I'm so hopeful for you too.. It would be sweet if the holiday helped you guys reconnect. But I also think you're right to prepare for the other scenario that it might not pan out. U less I saw a drastic change in his behaviour and him stepping up commitment with his actions, I don't think there would be enough to continue. Its tricky.. I'm sorry hope you're doing OK. I can also understand not wanting the suspense and calling it quits. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I have decided that if things are not improving in a couple of weeks then I need to end things. I deserve to be with someone who knows that they want to be with me. I am really scared that by the end of these 2 weeks I will be single. But I guess that is better than being in a one-sided relationship. I think this is a good plan. He can't reasonably expect you wait endlessly while he decides if he wants you or not. As I understand, very little is actually being done to correct the problems he feels you two had. Sure, you've had space, but that does nothing to solve the deeper issues he felt were important enough to necessitate a time-out. Taking more space in this case, I think, is only delaying the inevitable. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I have decided that if things are not improving in a couple of weeks then I need to end things. I deserve to be with someone who knows that they want to be with me. I am really scared that by the end of these 2 weeks I will be single. But I guess that is better than being in a one-sided relationship. It's better to know where you stand. Otherwise, you are just along for the ride and have no clue where the relationship is going, which is no way to live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 10, 2018 Author Share Posted August 10, 2018 I know it will be hard to break up with him if necessary. I am fearful of being alone for the rest of my life. I know that sounds silly, but finding someone in my 40’s is going to be harder. My boyfriend and I met at our kids’ bus stop. Yes they go to the same school and were even in the same class. If that happens again this year and we do break up, I will have to see him at school functions. I can be polite and corgial, but it will hurt to see him. Most people can ignore their ex and heal their pain, but I will have a constant reminder of seeing him throughout the school year. That will be difficult. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 10, 2018 Share Posted August 10, 2018 I know it will be hard to break up with him if necessary. I am fearful of being alone for the rest of my life. I know that sounds silly, but finding someone in my 40’s is going to be harder. My boyfriend and I met at our kids’ bus stop. Yes they go to the same school and were even in the same class. If that happens again this year and we do break up, I will have to see him at school functions. I can be polite and corgial, but it will hurt to see him. Most people can ignore their ex and heal their pain, but I will have a constant reminder of seeing him throughout the school year. That will be difficult. Fear of being alone is probably one of the biggest fears people have. It's completely normal to feel that more acutely when a relationship ends. It is harder to find someone the older you get, but it's not impossible. It's just not like when you were in college, and everyone was single. You can navigate a breakup if you have to see your ex on occasion. Ideally, you would never have to see an ex again, but it just doesn't always work that way unfortunately. Because we do tend to meet people on our orbit, it's not uncommon to meet and ex at work or have mutual friends. I met one of my exes at work, and I had to see him at work occasionally after we broke up. I was worried about it at first, but it ended up not being a big deal. I would just smile and say hi when I saw him and then keep moving. But you can cross that bridge when and if you come to it. Just try to focus on what is in front of you right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 11, 2018 Author Share Posted August 11, 2018 Today is a tough day. I keep thinking about him. Why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? What did I do wrong? What if I never find anyone who will love me? Yes today is a difficult day! Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 (edited) Today is a tough day. I keep thinking about him. Why he doesn’t want to be with me anymore? What did I do wrong? What if I never find anyone who will love me? Yes today is a difficult day! Unless it's something really obvious like cheating, something you can really put your finger on, it's probably that he just doesn't have the same level of feelings anymore. And that can be tough to understand and accept because it's not something you can fix. We think if we just dig deeper, we can figure out the problem. Then we can change something, and it's fixed. It's almost never like that though. Edited August 11, 2018 by BC1980 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 11, 2018 Author Share Posted August 11, 2018 I will never know why his feelings changed, but then how do I improve myself for another relationship? I am sure I did things that he got annoyed with or made him unhappy. If I want to better myself so in the future I make better choices how do I know what to improve on? Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 11, 2018 Share Posted August 11, 2018 I will never know why his feelings changed, but then how do I improve myself for another relationship? I am sure I did things that he got annoyed with or made him unhappy. If I want to better myself so in the future I make better choices how do I know what to improve on? Feelings aren't in our control. That's why people sometimes have a hard time even articulating why their feelings changed. Something else to remember is that feelings are transient. Even in a decades long marriage, people don't always feel the same. Sometimes, relationships do simply fizzle out or run their course. I'd actually wait to see what he says before speculating too much. He may not give you a straight answer, but I'd at least wait and see. You said he's been married twice right? I gather that he's not terribly old either. And he's not interested in marriage. Maybe he views relationships differently than you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 Feelings aren't in our control. That's why people sometimes have a hard time even articulating why their feelings changed. Something else to remember is that feelings are transient. Even in a decades long marriage, people don't always feel the same. Sometimes, relationships do simply fizzle out or run their course. I'd actually wait to see what he says before speculating too much. He may not give you a straight answer, but I'd at least wait and see. You said he's been married twice right? I gather that he's not terribly old either. And he's not interested in marriage. Maybe he views relationships differently than you. Yes he has been married twice, and he told me he is afraid of failing again with another relationship. Which I can respect but also find funny because we will surely fail if we just give up on us. Part of me feels he just wants to be single and enjoy his days drinking and going out with his friends. Maybe he feels he is missing out on something or someone being with me. I don’t think I have ever made him feel pressured to spend time with me. But for some reason or another he doesn’t seem to want to anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 12, 2018 Share Posted August 12, 2018 Yes he has been married twice, and he told me he is afraid of failing again with another relationship. Which I can respect but also find funny because we will surely fail if we just give up on us. Part of me feels he just wants to be single and enjoy his days drinking and going out with his friends. Maybe he feels he is missing out on something or someone being with me. I don’t think I have ever made him feel pressured to spend time with me. But for some reason or another he doesn’t seem to want to anymore. I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't take it too personally. Sometimes, relationships just fizzle out. Has he contacted you at all? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 12, 2018 Author Share Posted August 12, 2018 I'm sorry you're going through this. I wouldn't take it too personally. Sometimes, relationships just fizzle out. Has he contacted you at all? No not really. He texted me to find out if our kids are in the same class together. Which they will be again this year. He bought me tickets to a concert for my birthday last year. The concert is this Wednesday. We are supposed to go together still. We talked about it before the vacation. He probably will act the same way he did on the vacation, like everything is fine. But it is not fine with me anymore. I don’t want him to pretend to want to be with me. I actually want him to want to be me. I know I can’t change how he feels. I have to accept that we are probably over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 13, 2018 Author Share Posted August 13, 2018 I don’t understand! Either you want to be with someone or you don’t. Isn’t it that simple? No one should need time to figure out if they want to be with you. They do or they don’t. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I don’t understand! Either you want to be with someone or you don’t. Isn’t it that simple? No one should need time to figure out if they want to be with you. They do or they don’t. We have been trying to tell you that ultimately he doesn't want to be with you. Someone who does isn't indecisive like this. He doesn't "hate" you and most likely still cares for you, hence giving you breadcrumbs. But, you need to expect more from a partner. You deserve to be loved and cherished and wanted without any doubts. There is someone out there for you. You just need to take charge of your life and let this one go so you can move on. I know it's painful Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I don’t understand! Either you want to be with someone or you don’t. Isn’t it that simple? No one should need time to figure out if they want to be with you. They do or they don’t. You would think, yes. Sometimes people who behave the way he is are weighing up another option, I'm afraid. That might not be the case here, but it would not be terribly surprising either if there is someone else in his orbit. Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 13, 2018 Share Posted August 13, 2018 I don’t understand! Either you want to be with someone or you don’t. Isn’t it that simple? No one should need time to figure out if they want to be with you. They do or they don’t. Yes, it is that simple. I think it's just hard to break up with someone that hasn't treated you horribly. Especially if you've been together for awhile, and he cares about you.So people do a trial run with a break. That's usually what a break is in the end. If you backed him into a corner, I'm almost certain he would break up with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 14, 2018 Author Share Posted August 14, 2018 Yes I have a feeling if I pushed it would be over. I have decided to not contact him, move forward with my life, and focus on what is ahead. If he wants to talk to me he can do the work. I have tried for the past few weeks yo reconnect and work on our relationship. I told him he is the one for me. He knows exactly how I feel. I am done getting hurt by him. I hope I have the strength to do this! I am so so sad right now, I am afraid I will cave. I know in my heart this is what is for the best. But I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much! Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 14, 2018 Share Posted August 14, 2018 Yes I have a feeling if I pushed it would be over. I have decided to not contact him, move forward with my life, and focus on what is ahead. If he wants to talk to me he can do the work. I have tried for the past few weeks yo reconnect and work on our relationship. I told him he is the one for me. He knows exactly how I feel. I am done getting hurt by him. I hope I have the strength to do this! I am so so sad right now, I am afraid I will cave. I know in my heart this is what is for the best. But I wish it didn’t have to hurt so much! I definitely agree that he needs to be the one to do the work at this point. He either assumes you will be there if he changes his mind, or he's ambivalent about you being there. Obviously, neither of those are good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 16, 2018 Author Share Posted August 16, 2018 I did something stupid tonight and went to the concert with him. Not smart at all. I feel like I am back to square one. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 You have to stop doing this to yourself, OP. If he's not making any moves toward actually working this out, you're keeping yourself hooked while he has some convenient fun and company at your heart's expense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CaliBabe Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 Why are you giving your time to someone who doesn't even know if they want to be with you? You are the prize, act like it. You are showing no self restraint and no self control. He knows now that he doesn't have to commit to you and you will still be there. Men want to be in relationships with women who are sure of themselves and confident. Who keep them accountable. Doormats are never long term material. Please get some help with your therapist to move on to someone more suitable and more importantly someone who is sure they want to be with you. You deserve better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BC1980 Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 (edited) I think it would be good to put some proper finality on this. I think you're still in limbo because you never had a proper conversation with him where it officially ended. You don't necessarily need to talk to him to end it if you don't want to. You can do it on your own or talk to him. At this point, he's really just coming and going with no commitment to speak of. This will probably consider indefinitely if you allow it. Edited August 16, 2018 by BC1980 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hope4thefuture Posted August 16, 2018 Author Share Posted August 16, 2018 I want to move on. I want to feel better and not cry everyday. I am stuck. I don’t know know to do that right now. I have tried exercise, spending time with friends, etc. It is not working. I don’t know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted August 16, 2018 Share Posted August 16, 2018 I want to move on. I want to feel better and not cry everyday. I am stuck. I don’t know know to do that right now. I have tried exercise, spending time with friends, etc. It is not working. I don’t know what to do. You have to tell yourself that you are worth so much more than this. Then you have to take full control of your life and tell him that you're moving on without him. Yes, you will be sad and cry as you grieve. But, the grief will lessen over time. If you stay in limbo, you're only prolonging your pain. He is not the one for you. The man who is the one for you would never, ever do this to you. Take the reins, girl, and tell him it's over. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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