Did I ever love my husband??

[LifesontheUp]

He's truly too good to me.

 

 

Yes he is.

 

 

 

I hope you do right by him and set him free to find someone that wants to be with him.

[chanel777]

I think I need to work on my own issues and learn to love myself. Realize why I need validation from men, why I often feel inadequate, and why I never have taken any pride in my accomplishments.

 

I will always be scared to be with myself forever if I do not love myself first and foremost.

[Adotta]

Even your husband is saying you settled for him now what?

 

 

Why does this sound so arrogant and condesending.

nde

 

"Oh no it's soooo bad! My husband is some great big bore and he even agrees. He's such a great guy. If only he wasn't such a little dweeb. He is such a great guy. I look at other women and wonder if they would match him.... The loser. He's soooo still in love with me. He wants to "set me free" though. I REALLY deserve this. This is what's best for everyone! I feel soooo bad for leaving my NOT GOOD ENOUGH husband, but its for the best!!"

 

 

For **** sake stop hinting that your husband isn't good enough for you. I don't care if he is massively over weight covered in sores or growing a third head. He is still more sane than you right now. He still has his **** together better than you right now. And to adults that is a whole lot more attractive a trait than almost anything else.

 

 

Your husband isn't the flavor YOU prefer. Some people like chunky monkey. Some like pistachio. Your husband is vanilla. Plenty of people like vanilla. Just because you don't doesn't make vanilla INFERIOR goods.

 

 

I'm sorry, but the way you talk about your husband is spook patronizing.

Edited August 5, 2018 by Adotta

[brigit87]

Even your husband is saying you settled for him now what?

 

 

Why does this sound so arrogant and condesending.

 

I agree.

 

The OP will soon realize that she's not as wonderful as her husband thinks she is and that will be a terrifying day.

[BenchCoach]

I think I need to work on my own issues and learn to love myself.

 

From what I'm getting(how you tell it), you already love yourself to an extreme. Does vanity and narcissism resonate with you any?

[chanel777]

I agree.

 

The OP will soon realize that she's not as wonderful as her husband thinks she is and that will be a terrifying day.

 

From what I'm getting(how you tell it), you already love yourself to an extreme. Does vanity and narcissism resonate with you any?

 

Honestly I don't think I'm that wonderful at all. I have some good traits and some bad traits just like everyone else. Vanity is one of those bad traits. However I do not believe myself to be narcissistic. I can see how I come off that way through the internet though.

 

To be true I do not think vanity in-itself is a bad trait when its not taken out on anyone else. I personally just like to look good, and I wanted H to be healthy as well. His father died of poor health because he never took care of himself (crazy high blood pressure and diabetes; refused change his lifestyle, eating habits, or even take his prescribed medication). It was worrisome to see H going down that road as well.

[brigit87]

Honestly I don't think I'm that wonderful at all. I have some good traits and some bad traits just like everyone else. Vanity is one of those bad traits. However I do not believe myself to be narcissistic. I can see how I come off that way through the internet though.

 

To be true I do not think vanity in-itself is a bad trait when its not taken out on anyone else. I personally just like to look good, and I wanted H to be healthy as well. His father died of poor health because he never took care of himself (crazy high blood pressure and diabetes; refused change his lifestyle, eating habits, or even take his prescribed medication). It was worrisome to see H going down that road as well.

 

I only know what you tell me about yourself from the internet. You might be a nice person. IDK. I'm only giving feedback from what I've read here. Maybe you'll stay married and one day be happy. Who knows?

[chanel777]

I only know what you tell me about yourself from the internet. You might be a nice person. IDK. I'm only giving feedback from what I've read here. Maybe you'll stay married and one day be happy. Who knows?

 

 

I understand. Also after re-reading my story I really see how it is intolerably cruel. I wrote down my truth without much detail; only bare bones facts in an effort to keep things short-ish. It's impossible to sum up a relationship that has lasted > one decade in one post. I basically put all my dirt in that post, and left out the good things I've done for him (yes, there are some).

 

Honestly this past year I have been intolerably cruel to him. I handled my feelings in all the worst ways. If I could redo it all over again I would. He still is willing to make things work with me for whatever reason. I'm just trying to realize what I want. In the meantime my (emotional) affair is officially over.

[Adotta]

That's good that your emotional affair is over. Good job.

 

 

Just try to respect him going forward. Try to be logical and help him as you can. Be open and honest about your feelings and thoughts. Be fair. Seek IC. Let him express himself. Don't manipulate him.

 

 

 

All of that doesn't mean you have to stay married. Just thought it might be a nice thing to leave with a little class or stay with the tools to help build a new marriage from the ground up. There is obviously more to it than that, but its a start.

[brigit87]

That's good that your emotional affair is over. Good job.

 

 

Just try to respect him going forward. Try to be logical and help him as you can. Be open and honest about your feelings and thoughts. Be fair. Seek IC. Let him express himself. Don't manipulate him.

 

 

 

All of that doesn't mean you have to stay married. Just thought it might be a nice thing to leave with a little class or stay with the tools to help build a new marriage from the ground up. There is obviously more to it than that, but its a start.

 

That's perfect advice.

 

And the key here is to watch yourself; make sure you're not trying to manipulate him. So far you've been running the show and it has left you empty. You'll need to learn to respect him because he's not going to force you. And don't underestimate him. If you left him he'd find another woman quick and she'll hold on tight because he appears to be a great husband.

 

Also, if you feel you cannot love and respect him then have the decency to let him go.

[chanel777]

Just try to respect him going forward. Try to be logical and help him as you can. Be open and honest about your feelings and thoughts. Be fair. Seek IC. Let him express himself. Don't manipulate him.

 

All of that doesn't mean you have to stay married. Just thought it might be a nice thing to leave with a little class or stay with the tools to help build a new marriage from the ground up. There is obviously more to it than that, but its a start.

 

And the key here is to watch yourself; make sure you're not trying to manipulate him. So far you've been running the show and it has left you empty. You'll need to learn to respect him because he's not going to force you. And don't underestimate him. If you left him he'd find another woman quick and she'll hold on tight because he appears to be a great husband.

 

Also, if you feel you cannot love and respect him then have the decency to let him go.

 

 

Thanks for the advice guys. I truly want to be kind to both him and myself, whether that means being married or divorced.

 

I realized a month or two ago that I haven't respected him our entire relationship. It's sad because he is a great person and husband. Most of his characteristics are admirable. I just don't know why I've never have respected him the way a wife should. My parents/friends probably were no help, but at the end of the day I'm married to him not them. We're going on a vacation next week (just the two of us) and I'm hoping it gives us some time to bond, or it could possibly go the other way and just give me some clarity. IC has helped me some but I'm far from being the best me yet.

[chanel777]

H and I tried to make things work. He wanted to sleep over one night but for whatever reason I did not want him there. That basically started a downhill spiral.

 

I never respected him or our relationship. Before we were ever married I wished he was gay or cheated on me. Not exactly a good foundation for a marriage.

 

While H and I get along amazingly, I told him 2 days ago I want to divorce. Not because I cheated, but simply because I think it is the best thing for him at the end of the day. A wife should never (IMO) wish those things about her husband. He deserves a woman who is head over heels for him - and I simply am not.

 

I will say though that that I did not expect it to hurt this badly. I've been crying for a couple days straight. Is this normal (we've been together since we were children basically)?

[dereng]

So you want to divorce your husband primarily because you want to be spanked in bed, and you don't want him to be the one that spanks you. And they say that porn is ruining men?

 

 

 

Sorry, tried to hold my tongue but no. I think this all really cruel and quite sickening, to be honest.

[Aleksj]

What kind of men do you get attracted to, without them having to chase you for some time ?

[What_Did_I_Do]

H and I tried to make things work. He wanted to sleep over one night but for whatever reason I did not want him there. That basically started a downhill spiral.

 

I never respected him or our relationship. Before we were ever married I wished he was gay or cheated on me. Not exactly a good foundation for a marriage.

 

While H and I get along amazingly, I told him 2 days ago I want to divorce. Not because I cheated, but simply because I think it is the best thing for him at the end of the day. A wife should never (IMO) wish those things about her husband. He deserves a woman who is head over heels for him - and I simply am not.

 

I will say though that that I did not expect it to hurt this badly. I've been crying for a couple days straight. Is this normal (we've been together since we were children basically)?

 

YES, it hurts like h*ll!! You are grieving the loss of the relationship and what could have been. And you'll likely ping pong back and forth whether this was the right decision or not. You have only two choices here; 1) set him free so he can be with someone who loves him the way he should be loved or 2) devote yourself 100% - no holds barred - to reconciling and making a wonderful life for you both. Seems #2 is not going to work for you.

 

Take care.

[Maraud3r]

Dear OP, unlike others I will say I disagree. Yes, you are a bad person. And no I don't think you can do better. You even later on admit as much.

 

Saying it like you settled kinda seems to imply you could do "better". Thats condescending at the least.

It's a bit of a running theme in this thread. She puts him down a lot, partly because he acts like a doormat and lets her walk all over him and partly to justify her own actions and feelings.

 

That she went back to him every time. Tells you a lot about whether she could genuinely do better in terms of relationship.

 

It was my choice. It was after high school and before college. At that point we were together for 2 years already and I wanted to see who else was out there. We ended up getting back together because after 2 years of "playing the field," I did not find much.

This is where your relationship should've ended. That he took you back after this set the dynamic for your entire relationship going forward. You wanted to party, sleep around and find a guy who was better.

 

There's something people tend to forget or outright reject as a notion. Sexual dimorphism and differences in approach to partnerships and relationships is a thing. Just because these men would sleep with you, did not mean they had a genuine interest in you and a relationship. Which you came to find out eventually and went back to the only one who did.

 

I was not however actively seeking to find anyone in college. I just took whoever fell into my lap.

Sounds like an excuse for failing to nail down one of the guys you hooked up with. Out of curiosity, how many?

 

As for how I got into my affair the truth is gritty. Suffice it to say that I definitely 100% fell into it. AP had a few qualities I found attractive and I continue(d) to talk to him for those qualities.

Out of curiosity. May I assume AP has no genuine interest beyond physical hook ups?

[whammy]

Attraction. Is. Everything. The ONLY problem with your marriage is that you are not attracted to him. Period. That’s the real problem with most marriages. And the real reason for most divorces... one person isnt attracted to the other. Simple as that.

Edited September 18, 2018 by whammy

[SmartDude]

Never been married, nor will I ever. So my perspective may be very different or even unhelpful.

 

 

If you want this to be slow and painful then spend years thinking about your relationship and what went wrong OR get attached to that new affair partner.

 

 

You need to rejoice in being single right now! It's probably not going to happen overnight and you might not "get it" at first. Maybe what you want is just to be free and not tied down to any relationship for now?

 

 

 

Take a break, mourn for a month or 2 but then cut that crap out. Go out and get some -D- .