Did I ever love my husband??

[Lotsgoingon]

So are you being willfully clueless here?

 

Humor and being a good guy does NOT matter if there is no attraction.

 

Period.

 

Period.

 

No work-arounds ....

 

You really have trouble seeing this?

Edited July 24, 2018 by Lotsgoingon

[chanel777]

So are you being willfully clueless here?

 

Humor and being a good guy does NOT matter if there is no attraction.

 

Period.

 

Period.

 

Not work-arounds ....

 

You really have trouble seeing this?

 

Not seeing it. Just understanding it. Like truly understanding it. I’ve never really had that. I’m in my late 20s and have been with the same man since I was 15 - years old - give or take a couple flings in college. I think more than happiness I was/am comfortable in our marriage. He’s my comfort zone.

[Lotsgoingon]

Question:

 

Do you hang with girl friends and coworkers?

 

Something about your inability to understand attraction--and the centrality of attraction--suggests to me that you're socially isolated.

 

Some of these insights we learn from friends and interacting with smart, frank, friends and colleagues. There's no way a bunch of sharp women friends over dinner would tell you that "attraction" isn't important. And no way a group of sharp male friends would tell you that.

 

I think we need to get you on a roller coaster ... or go sky-diving ... to understand and feel the thrill of love at its start. Of course, the thrill wanes after years or decades of being together, but it needs to be there at the start ... and then people can keep the flame going, though at a lower level.

 

You cannot ignite a flame that was never there. Doesn't happen. We all have wished it could happen at some point. Many folks have dated someone and realized, Oh they are so wonderful. But I'm just not feeling anything ... and they have wished they could flip a switch and make that spark ignite. Sadly there is no such switch ...

 

Can you talk to a sister, brother, friend? Someone?! ... about your marriage--like with real honesty.

[Striver]

Not seeing it. Just understanding it. Like truly understanding it. I’ve never really had that. I’m in my late 20s and have been with the same man since I was 15 - years old - give or take a couple flings in college. I think more than happiness I was/am comfortable in our marriage. He’s my comfort zone.

 

I get that. You are not comfortable taking romantic risks, and seemingly have never taken one in your life. You only date men who are persistent with you, and you still feel free to critique them, to find them wanting.

 

I am a romantic coward myself. I can count the risks I've taken with women on one hand. So I know the feeling. Your approach to date has been completely safe, a no risk approach. Men must be persistent with you, they must make you love them. They have failed.

 

If your marriage ends, yes, I strongly encourage you to seek ways where you will take romantic risks. And they are risks. You can flirt with a man, and he can ignore you, treat you poorly, laugh at you. It's a risk. You may feel like a fool, suffer a temporary loss of self esteem. But it opens you up to more possibilities. It also forces you to take some responsibility for your relationships, instead of relying on finding the men who break through your wall wanting.

 

I do appreciate that you have recognized this, and encourage you to follow up on it. The future is all we have.

[DKT3]

This is all pretty typical stuff. I'm having an affair but it's not because I'm a bad person but because my partner is.... In cases like yours there is no logical reason so the default is "I'm not in love with my partner ". All too very common.

 

So, what's the real reason? My guess is you are unhappy with something about you, and you either cant admit it or don't really understand it.

 

Why did you two break up the first time?

[FMW]

Not enjoying kissing him from the very beginning says it all.

[DKT3]

Not enjoying kissing him from the very beginning says it all.

 

I agree, but yet she chose him TWICE. There is a reason for that, in that reason she will find her answer. If I were a betting man, I would bet its insecurities. Something in her makes her appear to be scared to go for it. That lack of confidence usually manifests in all areas of ones life. So she settles for guys that like her. Likely fell into a career she doesn't love, and overall has likely been a passenger in her life, I would even say she fell into her affair.

[hestheone66]

I understand exactly what you are going through.

 

Like yourself I paired up very young. I was 15 and he was 20. He'd never had a girlfriend before and I'd only had crushes.

 

 

He was a good man but a bit timid and not highly passionate. We grew up together but I had itchy feet. I loved him fiercely when. I was young and was very attracted to him..but I had nothing to compare it to. He was devoted to me. But I knew I didn't feel the same after 8 years of marriage and I was simply and inexcusably a bored housewife.

 

I did the wrong thing and had an affair..although he found out he was repaired to forgive..but as a 30 yo I wanted to set him free because I loved him dearly, just not Romantically

[chanel777]

Why did you two break up the first time?

 

It was my choice. It was after high school and before college. At that point we were together for 2 years already and I wanted to see who else was out there. We ended up getting back together because after 2 years of "playing the field," I did not find much.

 

I was not however actively seeking to find anyone in college. I just took whoever fell into my lap.

 

 

I agree, but yet she chose him TWICE. There is a reason for that, in that reason she will find her answer. If I were a betting man, I would bet its insecurities. Something in her makes her appear to be scared to go for it. That lack of confidence usually manifests in all areas of ones life. So she settles for guys that like her. Likely fell into a career she doesn't love, and overall has likely been a passenger in her life, I would even say she fell into her affair.

 

This hit home. My friends even point out how insecure I am. I've gotten my body augmented twice - could really only justify one of them. I'm in the medical field so I didn't really fall into my career per say - but I chose it because it appeared safe.

 

As for how I got into my affair the truth is gritty. Suffice it to say that I definitely 100% fell into it. AP had a few qualities I found attractive and I continue(d) to talk to him for those qualities.

 

 

I understand exactly what you are going through.

 

Like yourself I paired up very young. I was 15 and he was 20. He'd never had a girlfriend before and I'd only had crushes.

 

He was a good man but a bit timid and not highly passionate. We grew up together but I had itchy feet. I loved him fiercely when. I was young and was very attracted to him..but I had nothing to compare it to. He was devoted to me. But I knew I didn't feel the same after 8 years of marriage and I was simply and inexcusably a bored housewife.

 

I did the wrong thing and had an affair..although he found out he was repaired to forgive..but as a 30 yo I wanted to set him free because I loved him dearly, just not Romantically

 

And did you set him free? After evaluating my relationship with H my therapist has come to that same conclusion. I don't think I really know what it is like to love someone romantically.

 

I used to wish H would cheat on me or do something ****ed up - so then I could leave and would not have to be the bad guy. There again, another example of how I do/did not want to take control of my life.

[niji]

What is happiness in a marriage?? How does one know if they are happy or just comfortable (or both)? Can you have comfort without happiness?

 

 

A large part of being happy in a marriage, I think, is being attracted to your partner and being comfortable around them. THEN you can move on to assess whether your partner has all of the "stable" quality to be a good partner ie. career prospect, healthy lifestyle (not doing drugs or alcohol etc). But you can't just have one or the other; you must have both to have a successful marriage. That's why most marriages are not "happy", but rather "satisfactory", because the partners only find one out of the two qualities required in each other.

 

 

A lot of people will never have loved anyone (romantically) truly in their life. And a lot of people will never find the partner that they desire in a marriage. That's down to luck (chance/statistics). I came to term with that a long time ago, because I would rather be by myself than with someone I'm not completely in love AND comfortable with. Then I found my husband. But it's really important to realize that it's OK to be single. By society's standards, one must get married and have kids to be considered "normal". But will that bring you happiness?

 

 

You only live once in this life. Do what makes you happy. When you're miserable, nobody will be around to share it.

[pepperbird]

Well there is your problem.

 

You only marry someone you are NUTS over in ... for multiple qualities they have.

 

You married this guy for reasons we would buy a used car.

 

You dated for two years, and decided he was available. Therefore I'll marry him.

 

Really not good thinking there.

 

But the problem may be that you have never dated someone who totally turned you on ... you don't know what to look for. You may need to be more entitled--and insist on just dating for fun ... and let yourself report on what you're feeling for various guys.

 

You need out of the marriage yesterday.

 

Your husband seems like someone who would qualify as a friend ... for whatever reason you and he blindly pursued romance. If you don't like kissing (a problem you reported back in high school) the marriage ain't gonna work. Never. Ever.

 

 

While some of hat you say is valid, I would caution the op against using just "he turns me on" as the sole criteria for a successful future relationship. There are an awful lot of stories int he divorce section where the spouses were attracted to each other but there was nothing else.

 

The advice to the op about divorcing and then dating a variety of guys so she can find out what it is she is really looking for does make sense. It puts responsibility for her choices firmly in her court, ad that can be a very empowering feeling.

[Lotsgoingon]

"He turns me on" is a requirement for a successful and satisfying romantic relationship.

 

It's not sufficient for a successful relationship. I thought that goes without saying. Dating only based on attraction is shallow and won't get the couple anywhere far.

 

Marrying based only on attraction is immature and insane. But marrying without a strong, clear sense of attraction is equally insane--and unfair to both partners.

 

Of course, for marriage or a serious relationship even, you need similar values, you want personality strengths, integrity, ability to love, reliability ... go down the entire checklist of adult responsibility. You want all of that.

 

But you don't get to "responsibility" without going through attraction.

 

The person can have all the fantastic qualities we want in people ... and if we are not NUTS about them, we will struggle to have a successful romantic relationship. Without attraction, the person should be a friend. And it's cruel to marry them. Cruel to us and to them.

 

I made my statement because the OP hated kissing her hubby from early on in relationship.

 

And the OP, in my view, is minimizing how alienating it is to not feel attracted to her partner,--and actually to NEVER have felt attraction to a partner in the first place.

[chanel777]

But it's really important to realize that it's OK to be single. By society's standards, one must get married and have kids to be considered "normal". But will that bring you happiness?

 

 

You only live once in this life. Do what makes you happy. When you're miserable, nobody will be around to share it.

 

Eventually I do want to have a happy marriage and children. Call me selfish or entitled but I do want to have romantic love and comfort. Maybe I wont find both, but I know with H I had comfort and look what happened.

 

That all being said, right now I want nothing more than to be single. I haven't been truly single without a guy in my life since I was 15 (15-18 I was with stbH, 18-20 I had a few guys in/out pretty consistently, 20-present I had H). I don't even know what I really want in a partner. In all truth, I probably barely know myself.

[chanel777]

The person can have all the fantastic qualities we want in people ... and if we are not NUTS about them, we will struggle to have a successful romantic relationship. Without attraction, the person should be a friend. And it's cruel to marry them. Cruel to us and to them.

 

I made my statement because the OP hated kissing her hubby from early on in relationship.

 

And the OP, in my view, is minimizing how alienating it is to not feel attracted to her partner,--and actually to NEVER have felt attraction to a partner in the first place.

 

 

That is basically what I have/had with H. He's a dear friend to me. And we even lived together like dear friends (with benefits).

 

I've felt attraction to men. Just not any of my partners. One of my friends just got married; her relationship with her husband began when she confronted him with her feelings of attraction. Personally I never have had any experiences remotely like this. As other posters have stated I basically took whoever fell into my lap and learned to fall into like/love with them for whatever qualities I found in them to be attractive.

[brigit87]

That is basically what I have/had with H. He's a dear friend to me. And we even lived together like dear friends (with benefits).

 

I've felt attraction to men. Just not any of my partners. One of my friends just got married; her relationship with her husband began when she confronted him with her feelings of attraction. Personally I never have had any experiences remotely like this. As other posters have stated I basically took whoever fell into my lap and learned to fall into like/love with them for whatever qualities I found in them to be attractive.

 

So go ahead and get divorced. Take the gamble, but chances of you ending up alone are pretty good. I bet your husband will remarry and probably be very happy.

[BluesPower]

[]I want some public opinion besides my therapist and best friend.

 

I met my husband in high school when I was 15 through a mutual friend. He told her he thought I was "hot." I asked her if he drove. She gave him my number. We went on an amazing first date. Even though I was 15 with very little experience we clicked so easily and stayed together throughout high school. Our relationship was pretty good except for the occasional argument on how much I hated kissing him.

 

<snip>

 

[]

You, through all the years, were not really honest with your husband.

 

If early in your relationship, you have said, "Look, you are fat and I don't like it. Shape up or ship out."

 

That would have been the thing to do. Then you decide to cheat.

 

You have made some really BAD decisions.

 

And you are like a lot of women, meet a good guy, he gets comfortable, you don't really communicate your true feelings and you end up cheating and breaking his heart.

 

You settled, until you did not. You did not want hot dirty sex with your husband because he was your husband????? WTF it that all about.

 

What you have done to your husband is horrible. I hope you don't have kids.

 

It is one thing to divorce... But not having the courage to tell him what your were feelings BEFORE you ripped his heart out would have been the right thing to do.

 

I am not saying that it is right for him to let himself go, by any means.

 

But thinking that he had a loving wife at home, then having his heart ripped out. That is a cowardly thing to do.

 

And you still don't realize how much you hurt him. Probably never will.

 

And now, YOU don't have the courage to divorce him and set him free.

 

Yes, what you have chosen to do is HORRIBLE...

Edited July 25, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote and topical content

[Mr. Lucky]

We ended up getting back together because after 2 years of "playing the field," I did not find much.

 

You understand the difference between not finding anyone else and wanting to be with only him, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

[niji]

The person can have all the fantastic qualities we want in people ... and if we are not NUTS about them, we will struggle to have a successful romantic relationship. Without attraction, the person should be a friend. And it's cruel to marry them. Cruel to us and to them.

 

 

Yep... that's called "my best girl friend"

 

 

Eventually I do want to have a happy marriage and children. Call me selfish or entitled but I do want to have romantic love and comfort. Maybe I wont find both, but I know with H I had comfort and look what happened.

 

 

Oh don't get me wrong, I think the majority of us would like to have at least a happy marriage; some may not want children but most probably desire a happy romantic relationship. It all boils down to, do you prefer to be alone, or be with someone you're OK with, but not thrilled to be with. I feel that people who are insecure and afraid to be alone are most likely to be stuck in unhappy relationships. Easier said than done. Most people annoy me so I find it much easier to be alone than to be with someone I'm not absolutely into.

 

 

FWIW, I cared for my ex as a friend but couldn't bring myself to be attracted to him, so I left him. I told him there was no point of getting married just to be divorced later. He was kind, a genius but still humble, and family-oriented. Basically an ideal husband. But he couldn't have been my husband - there was no attraction.

Edited July 24, 2018 by niji

[chanel777]

You understand the difference between not finding anyone else and wanting to be with only him, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

 

I do. I did not at the time. I remember thinking to myself all those years ago that "whelp I never found anyone in college - guess I'm meant to be with H." As ****ed up as it was, that was my 20-yo-me thought.

 

I will say I do know the difference now. If the past could be rewritten I would change a great many things.

 

 

Oh don't get me wrong, I think the majority of us would like to have at least a happy marriage; some may not want children but most probably desire a happy romantic relationship. It all boils down to, do you prefer to be alone, or be with someone you're OK with, but not thrilled to be with. I feel that people who are insecure and afraid to be alone are most likely to be stuck in unhappy relationships. Easier said than done. Most people annoy me so I find it much easier to be alone than to be with someone I'm not absolutely into.

 

True. Good food for thought.

 

In the effort of not hurting anyone anymore, maybe it is just best for me to accept being alone - possibly forever. The thought honestly makes me sad, but *shrug* life.

[Colin Grant]

You're wrong for cheating, but not wrong for feeling you've made a mistake in marrying your husband. Blame yourself though, not him. You're punishing and disrespecting him because of a mistake you made. He should be given the utmost respect and admiration while you are married. File for divorce, be liberal and more than fair (your assets only) in separating assets and treat him with dignity. Other than that you own him an apology for having made made a bad choice and respect him as a man.

 

I'm of the opinion that people make poor choices all the time, and marriages are no different than having made a poor choice in some other aspect of life. Just don't blame your poor choice on your spouse. Many people come on here and speak of affairs, bad marriages, etc. A few of these are legitimately poor choices of marriages that need fixed by divorce. Most are people who are just weak or screwed up, but some are simply poor choices made at that time.

[brigit87]

 

In the effort of not hurting anyone anymore, maybe it is just best for me to accept being alone - possibly forever. The thought honestly makes me sad, but *shrug* life.

 

You will probably end up alone. Life is a marathon. Even if it's a short one.

[Striver]

You understand the difference between not finding anyone else and wanting to be with only him, right?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Some people can be happy with many different partners. Some are always going to be dissatisfied with every one of their partners.

 

My gut tells me that OP falls in latter group. She has had three relationships. H as boyfriend, "the field" in college, and H as H. All three have ended with complaints from her about the low quality. It's hard to imagine a better time to meet a potential partner than college, but the complaint came back of low quality.

 

Again, gut tells me that it's on OP now to figure out how she can be happy with ANY partner. Maybe if the first kiss isn't electric, it's because of her.

[Lotsgoingon]

He was kind, a genius but still humble, and family-oriented. Basically an ideal husband. But he couldn't have been my husband - there was no attraction.

 

You dropped a bomb, niji!

 

This statement should be posted on walls all around the world.

 

Deep truth-telling there.

 

Fantastic self-awareness and confidence.

[chanel777]

Some people can be happy with many different partners. Some are always going to be dissatisfied with every one of their partners.

 

My gut tells me that OP falls in latter group. She has had three relationships. H as boyfriend, "the field" in college, and H as H. All three have ended with complaints from her about the low quality. It's hard to imagine a better time to meet a potential partner than college, but the complaint came back of low quality.

 

Again, gut tells me that it's on OP now to figure out how she can be happy with ANY partner. Maybe if the first kiss isn't electric, it's because of her.

 

To be clear, I did not mean for those statements to be interpreted as my relationships were of low quality. Actually in all except one of my college relationships I was the one dumped or left. What I meant when I said I never met anyone in college, is that I never met anyone who cared for me like H. I missed that, so I went back to H.

 

Now a couple of the guys I dated in college, their quality was questionable for me. Like I said before though I never actively sought anyone with whom I felt attraction, I just accepted whoever showed interest. And I was even hurt (not too badly, but still), by a couple. Also, just so everyone can get a picture of what I mean when I say I took whoever fell into my lap, here's an extreme example of how I met guys in college:

 

After H as BF, the first guy (FG) I dated was the exact opposite of H. FG looked completely different, he was into his education (physics + astrology major), and also just so happened to be into doing/selling drugs (he ended up getting shot and killed over them, go figure).

 

The first time I met FG, my first thought was that he was ugly. Then one night some mutual friends invited me over to their dorm and he was there again. They ended up leaving the two of us alone. He basically forced himself on me and next thing I knew we were kissing. I was 18, naive, and ignorant, so I accepted it. The next day I ran into him again (he decided to sneak into my dorm building), and, instead of being angry/disgusted, I decided to get to know him a bit more. After a couple times of hanging out with him I started to like him.

 

The me now would never have given a person like FG a chance - FFS he basically sexually assaulted me.

Edited July 25, 2018 by chanel777

[brigit87]

He basically forced himself on me and next thing I knew we were kissing. I was 18, naive, and ignorant, so I accepted it. The next day I ran into him again (he decided to sneak into my dorm building), and, instead of being angry/disgusted, I decided to get to know him a bit more. After a couple times of hanging out with him I started to like him.

 

The me now would never have given a person like FG a chance - FFS he basically sexually assaulted me.

 

So you're saying you were raped?