Did I ever love my husband??

[stillafool]

So when do you plan to divorce your husband and set him free?

[Doorstopper]

Here's my high educated (in completely unrelated subjects) opinion on your situation:

 

It couldn't be easy for you or your husband if everyone on your side of the relationship thought it was a bad idea that you were married.

 

I get the feeling that there is an elitist attitude, from your upbringing which makes you undesirable to those you might want, while making it unacceptable for you to "stoop" to those below you. At the same time there is a rebellious side along with self esteem issues, causing you to resist those elitist boundaries. The sexual comments/issues make me wonder if there isn't a strong religious or moral background that plays a role. That's what I get out of the couple of hundred words you elected to share here.

 

In your first sentence you speak of your therapist and best friend. You are speaking about 2 different people, correct? Its fine to have best friend therapy, but you also need a good independent therapist who can guide you through this mess you have created with your life.

 

I think your "issues" go so far beyond the affair that there's barely a reason to discuss it.

 

In any event, we all deserve to be happy. If you don't have a therapist, get one. If you have one and they are just giving you lip service, without telling you what your issues are (in a reasonable way of course), find a new one. If you are ignoring your therapist: BINGO! WE FOUND THE PROBLEM.

 

You can find happiness, either alone or with someone, but you have a long road ahead of you.

 

I wish you luck

[DKT3]

Here's my high educated (in completely unrelated subjects) opinion on your situation:

 

It couldn't be easy for you or your husband if everyone on your side of the relationship thought it was a bad idea that you were married.

 

I get the feeling that there is an elitist attitude, from your upbringing which makes you undesirable to those you might want, while making it unacceptable for you to "stoop" to those below you. At the same time there is a rebellious side along with self esteem issues, causing you to resist those elitist boundaries. The sexual comments/issues make me wonder if there isn't a strong religious or moral background that plays a role. That's what I get out of the couple of hundred words you elected to share here.

 

In your first sentence you speak of your therapist and best friend. You are speaking about 2 different people, correct? Its fine to have best friend therapy, but you also need a good independent therapist who can guide you through this mess you have created with your life.

 

I think your "issues" go so far beyond the affair that there's barely a reason to discuss it.

 

In any event, we all deserve to be happy. If you don't have a therapist, get one. If you have one and they are just giving you lip service, without telling you what your issues are (in a reasonable way of course), find a new one. If you are ignoring your therapist: BINGO! WE FOUND THE PROBLEM.

 

You can find happiness, either alone or with someone, but you have a long road ahead of you.

 

I wish you luck

Yeah, I with you, but I'm thinking she has a very dominant parent, likely her mother, one who still has a great deal of influence. I'm sensing a woman who hasn't had to be very responsible in life. That has carried over thus her struggles to actually make decisions. Much easier to just go along.

[brigit87]

Yeah, I with you, but I'm thinking she has a very dominant parent, likely her mother, one who still has a great deal of influence. I'm sensing a woman who hasn't had to be very responsible in life. That has carried over thus her struggles to actually make decisions. Much easier to just go along.

 

Really? I didn't get any of that. She sounds like the average person who is looking for something more. What that more is she doesn't really seem to know.

[William]

Did a bit of cleanup and shortened some quotes to assist mobile users. Please focus in on particular passages and avoid quoting long posts as well as remaining civil and respectful with responses. Inflammatory personal remarks and 'bashing' are a slippery slope to loss of use of the site so let's avoid that. Thanks!

[chanel777]

It couldn't be easy for you or your husband if everyone on your side of the relationship thought it was a bad idea that you were married.

 

It has not been easy. Especially when it comes to my parents. My best friend however was against us at first, but now actually supports us.

 

I get the feeling that there is an elitist attitude, from your upbringing which makes you undesirable to those you might want, while making it unacceptable for you to "stoop" to those below you. At the same time there is a rebellious side along with self esteem issues, causing you to resist those elitist boundaries. The sexual comments/issues make me wonder if there isn't a strong religious or moral background that plays a role. That's what I get out of the couple of hundred words you elected to share here.

 

I think part of the problem is I don't know who I want. If you want to put it in an elitist viewpoint (which I by no means am elite lol), then I've "stooped" to quite a few of the guys in my past. H himself has been working in the same dead-end job since high school.

I was not raised religious, but my parents were somewhat prude - especially my mom.

 

In your first sentence you speak of your therapist and best friend. You are speaking about 2 different people, correct? Its fine to have best friend therapy, but you also need a good independent therapist who can guide you through this mess you have created with your life.

 

They are two different people. I actually just switched to a 3rd therapist. Fingers crossed this one helps. Thanks for all your input.

 

 

Yeah, I with you, but I'm thinking she has a very dominant parent, likely her mother, one who still has a great deal of influence. I'm sensing a woman who hasn't had to be very responsible in life. That has carried over thus her struggles to actually make decisions. Much easier to just go along.

 

Really? I didn't get any of that. She sounds like the average person who is looking for something more. What that more is she doesn't really seem to know.

 

I think it might be a mix of both of these comments.

 

Responsibility wise - financially I have not had to be too responsible. That's not saying that I feel that I can be irresponsible, but that my parents were/are almost always there for me worst case. I do strive to be financially independent first and foremost though. Additionally my parents never made big life decisions for me, although I've always cared about their input - especially my dads when its come to the really big life decisions.

 

As far as brigit's comment I definitely do not know what I want. And I feel like that is a big part of the problem. Probably plays into why I have not had the strength to set H free. Cowardly I know....

[brigit87]

As far as brigit's comment I definitely do not know what I want. And I feel like that is a big part of the problem. Probably plays into why I have not had the strength to set H free. Cowardly I know....

 

I understand. But you do know what you don't want and that's your husband. It sounds like you have supportive parents which you'll need if you're going to divorce. And do it sooner than later because the older you get the harder it is.

 

Fact.

[Doorstopper]

Finding the right therapist is really important. 20 years ago, long before my wife had an EA we got into a big fight and I threw a pillow at a wall that happened to break something sentimental. We decided to go to MC. We saw him once together and then individually. The counselor we saw was an ex military guy who told me that because we had 2 kids and I was the bread winner, my wife not was going anywhere regardless of what I did. So, among other things, he basically gave me a license to cheat, not that there were any signs or even thoughts of infidelity on my part. At that point I felt sorry for any military member who may have ever seen him.

 

Looking back, If he wasn't such an ass, (my wife didn't like him either, though she never heard this story) maybe we would have ventured back to counseling before she had her EA (2015). After her EA, we immediately went through a couple of different people, before we found some we could work with for both MC and IC.

 

Good Luck!

[BTDT2012]

I used to wish H would cheat on me or do something ****ed up - so then I could leave and would not have to be the bad guy. There again, another example of how I do/did not want to take control of my life.

 

 

It's time for you to face life on your own. Set your husband free to find someone to love and appreciate him. Apologize for what you have done to him, and don't expect him to be your friend.

[brigit87]

It's time for you to face life on your own. Set your husband free to find someone to love and appreciate him. Apologize for what you have done to him, and don't expect him to be your friend.

 

This is very good advice.

[chanel777]

When breaking up and/or going through a D, is it normal to miss the other person and want to make more memories with them? I know I need to set H free - but every time I picture myself doing something he is there. Whether watching a football game or going to the zoo. Yet at the same time, I do not really want him sleeping over (we're separated). Is that normal?

 

Besides H, I've never really broken up with anyone. Please pardon my ignorance.

[DKT3]

When breaking up and/or going through a D, is it normal to miss the other person and want to make more memories with them? I know I need to set H free - but every time I picture myself doing something he is there. Whether watching a football game or going to the zoo. Yet at the same time, I do not really want him sleeping over (we're separated). Is that normal?

 

Besides H, I've never really broken up with anyone. Please pardon my ignorance.

 

Sounds normal.

 

It's time for you to face life on your own. Set your husband free to find someone to love and appreciate him. Apologize for what you have done to him, and don't expect him to be your friend.

 

Best post on your thread.

 

Let me ask, are you actually doing this to avoid your husband finding out about your affair?

 

Also, dont underestimate what will happen when he moves on. You will struggle with that.

[FMW]

Yes, it's absolutely normal to miss someone who has been a huge part of your life for a long time. That doesn't mean you should hang on to them.

 

It sounds like you need to learn to be on your own and spend time getting to know yourself. Like anything new, it takes courage and persistence to get through the rough spots of transition. But if you commit yourself to it you will find yourself in a much better place for future relationships.

[BaileyB]

 

Also, dont underestimate what will happen when he moves on. You will struggle with that.

 

Absolutely. You will struggle, but do not think that this gives you permission to hold onto him to meet your own emotional needs. To do so is selfish and cruel.

 

You need to let him go because it is the right and kind thing to do - for him. You need to learn how to stand on your own. He should be given the opportunity to find someone to love him the way he deserves to be loved.

[chanel777]

Let me ask, are you actually doing this to avoid your husband finding out about your affair?

 

Also, dont underestimate what will happen when he moves on. You will struggle with that.

 

Doing what exactly? Trying with him?

 

Last valentines's day we went out to dinner and I thought to myself that our waitress would be a good match for him. I'm sure I will struggle with him dating in reality. On the flip side I do truly want him to find someone who is good and kind and treats him right and loves him. I want that person to do everything I couldn't.

[DKT3]

Doing what exactly? Trying with him?

 

Last valentines's day we went out to dinner and I thought to myself that our waitress would be a good match for him. I'm sure I will struggle with him dating in reality. On the flip side I do truly want him to find someone who is good and kind and treats him right and loves him. I want that person to do everything I couldn't.

 

Doing all of it. Question about if you ever loved him, talk of divorce, all if it. I ask because it's really common (maybe more often then not) a woman will rewrite the entire history of a relationship with an affair in play. Believe it or not many cant really truthfully determine what happened at this point. Countless numbers of WW that have come and gone in my time have started out like you, here. Many with time changed their tune with time and or the separation/divorce.

 

Many women will choose to run from the marriage then actually have people find out about the affair. So what they are really doing is giving up the marriage so they dont have to face the consequences of the affair, and not really giving up because of the marriage itself.

 

If I'm being honest, in my opinion, you come off as selfish and entitled. The perfect combination for someone running from consequences. Someone who doesn't want people to change their opinion of them, of think lesser of them.

 

I don't know you, so its really just a judgment based on your 15 or so posts. I'm really just sharing what I've learned about this kind of situation. I struggle to believe, with your history as you've described it, would actually do much for the good of others. But again this is all based on a snapshot of your life that you have shared.

[brigit87]

Doing what exactly? Trying with him?

 

Last valentines's day we went out to dinner and I thought to myself that our waitress would be a good match for him. I'm sure I will struggle with him dating in reality. On the flip side I do truly want him to find someone who is good and kind and treats him right and loves him. I want that person to do everything I couldn't.

 

OK. Sounds good. Divorce him ASAP and let him find the woman of his dreams.

[chanel777]

H wanted to talk tonight. Long story short he actually wants to set me free. He said that he clearly wasn't doing it for me and that he wants me to be happy. He would like me to be free to find someone who does "it" for me. I didn't know how to feel. His arguments were valid and true. He even said that I settled for him (something I never explicitly said to him).

 

At this point I am so torn. I agree with him on all his points. Yet at the same time, I want to be the person who loves and appreciates him. And I don't understand why I can't be - I want to. This is so hard. Am I just fighting my true feelings to force myself into a good relationship??

[chanel777]

Doing all of it. Question about if you ever loved him, talk of divorce, all if it. I ask because it's really common (maybe more often then not) a woman will rewrite the entire history of a relationship with an affair in play. Believe it or not many cant really truthfully determine what happened at this point. Countless numbers of WW that have come and gone in my time have started out like you, here. Many with time changed their tune with time and or the separation/divorce.

 

Many women will choose to run from the marriage then actually have people find out about the affair. So what they are really doing is giving up the marriage so they dont have to face the consequences of the affair, and not really giving up because of the marriage itself.

 

If I'm being honest, in my opinion, you come off as selfish and entitled. The perfect combination for someone running from consequences. Someone who doesn't want people to change their opinion of them, of think lesser of them.

 

I don't know you, so its really just a judgment based on your 15 or so posts. I'm really just sharing what I've learned about this kind of situation. I struggle to believe, with your history as you've described it, would actually do much for the good of others. But again this is all based on a snapshot of your life that you have shared.

 

I can see your points. However in my situation H knows of the affair. I can't bring myself to face his friends or family bc of the affair. He lost his trust in me, people see me differently (including my own parents) - all consequences I am facing due to the A. I am selfish, but I do not think I am entitled.

 

In reality most of the feelings I felt in my relationship with H I felt long before the A. The A may have been the catalyst for me to admit them, but they were always there. In fact one random night in bed with H I said "if I could redo everything I never would have gotten married." We weren't fighting, I was stone sober, and everything was really fine except that I was maybe unhappy in my marriage.

[Jamess1]

H wanted to talk tonight. Long story short he actually wants to set me free. He said that he clearly wasn't doing it for me and that he wants me to be happy. He would like me to be free to find someone who does "it" for me. I didn't know how to feel. His arguments were valid and true. He even said that I settled for him (something I never explicitly said to him).

 

At this point I am so torn. I agree with him on all his points. Yet at the same time, I want to be the person who loves and appreciates him. And I don't understand why I can't be - I want to. This is so hard. Am I just fighting my true feelings to force myself into a good relationship??

 

You have never been with a real man your whole life. Your so called husband is a brother or gf at best. Any feelings you have for him are those for a brother or gf, bt not the feelings u ought to have for a real man

 

Many man don't even know how to be a man, women are longing for real men but there are non. They r not really bad, actually they're good & nice, bt they're just not men. Feminised men.

 

Divorce him and get a real man, while you are still young to do so. Get rid of any limiting belief in you, reclaim your feminity, neg emotions, anything in you that repells masculine men.

 

Your husband is a waste of time, the sooner u leave hid the better.

[nittygritty]

H wanted to talk tonight. Long story short he actually wants to set me free. He said that he clearly wasn't doing it for me and that he wants me to be happy. He would like me to be free to find someone who does "it" for me. I didn't know how to feel. His arguments were valid and true. He even said that I settled for him (something I never explicitly said to him).

 

At this point I am so torn. I agree with him on all his points. Yet at the same time, I want to be the person who loves and appreciates him. And I don't understand why I can't be - I want to. This is so hard. Am I just fighting my true feelings to force myself into a good relationship??

 

Seems like a polite way of saying that he doesn’t want to be married to you anymore. You have cheated on him. Trust is broken. Doesn’t really matter if you ever loved him or not. You weren’t capable of being faithful to him. It destroyed your marriage.

[brigit87]

H wanted to talk tonight. Long story short he actually wants to set me free. He said that he clearly wasn't doing it for me and that he wants me to be happy. He would like me to be free to find someone who does "it" for me. I didn't know how to feel. His arguments were valid and true. He even said that I settled for him (something I never explicitly said to him).

 

At this point I am so torn. I agree with him on all his points. Yet at the same time, I want to be the person who loves and appreciates him. And I don't understand why I can't be - I want to. This is so hard. Am I just fighting my true feelings to force myself into a good relationship??

 

He's done with you.

 

You beat him up enough and now he wants out. Sorry.

[LifesontheUp]

Personally, you need to part from your husband and your boyfriend. You need a good therapist - you come across as selfish and willing to cheat but unwilling to deal with the consequences i.e. face family/friends etc.

 

 

 

You don't have to be with someone to be happy. You can be happy on your own - work at it.

[Clay]

I would bet money years from now when you look back your going to see the very person you kept looking for in other people was right next to you this whole time and you destroyed an real chance of being happy with him do to the fact you couldn't find happiness and validation within yourself.

 

I hope you do allow him the divorce and it is reasonable. He deserves someone that will value him for who he is and love him like he deserves.

 

C

[chanel777]

Talked to H again. He said that he does want to be married as long as it is what I want. He does not want me to settle for him - a sentiment with which I agree wholeheartedly.

 

He's truly too good to me.