Just found out my friend of almost 20 years might be a pedophile

[maxi105]

hi v73....I tried to reply to this yesterday and then lost it the moment I went to send it! ...but rather than try to go over everything I thought then as there are lots of pages now, I will try to go back to the point of what I was thinking and be as brief as I can.

 

 

I haven't read all of the pages im afraid and dont really have time to today, but my concern then and now is really the underlying thoughts of your post.

 

 

and that is about the whole speculatory element of something that is so potentially explosive in so many different ways and on an issue that can seriously affect and consequences for so many peoples lives!

 

 

I don't really agree with people speculating and talking about others private personal lives and for something like this that could ruin another persons reputation completely and might invite inflammatory attacks and other forms of public abuse is something that I cant ever say is ok....

 

 

what is posted (and what may or may not be circulating around your local community) is WITHOUT ACTUAL FACTUAL EVIDENCE, IT IS ALSO WITHOUT LEGAL OR PROFESSIONAL INTERVENTION OR SECURITY AND PROTECTION and is there fore not a proven thing just concern that might turn easily into gossip and harassment.

 

 

how would you feel if it turns out this person, your so called long term friend is totally innocent in every way possible. the damage would have already been done.

 

 

im not daming you oughtright as I have no idea what has been said or not said, but I think you are on very dangerous ground getting involved with this or even speculating the possibilities of something as serious as this.

 

 

what happens if he is, you could also be getting yourself into very difficult and dangerous areas, if he is you have proven you don't know this man and there is no telling what people who are proven abusers are capable of )or anyone found guilty of crimes that bring such high public feeling and heated emnotions, you might be putting yourself in danger in other ways.

 

 

also, what happens if the families or young people themselves are exposed due to idle speculation or by mistake or people just figuring it out, then what...there are other people's lives and privacy involved if this is found to be true, you cannot undue hurting others by speculation, you cant say sorry if the whole town know names or what happened, you cant undoe the potential long term shame or embarrassment or areas that might need therapy for life or worse just because you were curious!!!!

 

 

I think you really need to step out of this and step back from the side of you that just wants to know!! there are so many things that are complex and could destroy others, just because you have a suspicion, interest in something but you have NO FACTS///times up take care maxi

[Veronica73]

Hi Maxi,

Thanks for your thoughts and warnings. If, or when, you have more time, will you clarify a little bit? I don’t totally get what you are saying. The only people I have communicated about it at all with besides the actual accused friend, are the folks on here, and I tried to keep it anonymous so that nobody would know who I was talking about. And even so, it seems like people would be much more likely to find out about it by reading the newspaper than by reading what I wrote here. That’s how I found out about it. And the reason I came here at all was because I was so confused and upset and knew I didn’t want to talk about it with anybody who knows me or him or would be judgemental or gossip about it. Which means there isn’t anybody to talk about it with. I don’t think I would have been able to just put it out of my mind. I was REALLY upset and confused when I read the article. I didn’t post here just because I am “curious”. I guess I could have tried to keep it bottled up until I could get in to see my therapist, but it usually takes at least 6 weeks to get an appointment. Posting here and reading other people’s thoughts has helped me. I sure hope it hasn’t hurt anybody, especially my friend. But it seems like the newspaper article is more likely to do that than anything that was said here. But if you disagree, please say so. I do want to do the right thing and I have never been in a situation quite like this before. That being said, I feel like things are resolved as much as they can be in my head, so I don’t think I will be posting anymore thoughts or speculation about him.

[Timshel]

That being said, I feel like things are resolved as much as they can be in my head, so I don’t think I will be posting anymore thoughts or speculation about him.

 

 

That's good because it is extremely rare that a person would be charged with pedophilia without a significant amount of evidence. I'm trying to recall a case right now that the person was innocent....I got nothing.

 

 

 

Agree with every other poster, stay out of it. Pedophiles are the most charming, manipulative people on the planet.

[maxi105]

hey v73, real quick im pushed for time. if you are receiving therapy tehn id say you are best to leave this thing alone, there will be consequences eitherway if he is caught and found guilty and charged, or if he is innocent.

 

 

I wouldn't take this to the therapist either, it isn't their place to counsel on behalf of what you are not sure of, it maybe on your mind, but without factual backing in such a serious situation is not going to help anyone anyway.

 

 

if you still cannot keep this then your only option is to meet with the police and be clear that you let them know that this is just a suspicion and speculation and that you have NO PROOF ABOUT THIS BUT ARE CONCERNED and LEAVE IT FOR THEM TO DECIDE whether they will persue this or not.

 

 

I don't think its wise to talk about this with this man, and besides he has already said that he doenst want to talk about it so be smart and safe and do just that!!!!

 

 

you are not the person to deal with this professionally, and it needs different professional experienced people who know about this properly and can keep safe any people including this man in the correct way.

 

 

don't kid yorueslf that this isn't about people only wanting news headlines, if he's dangerous and guilty...he will get them with or without your/our input.

 

 

leave it to the professionals, but be prepared for the consequensces eitherway. take care maxi. tmes out.

[Veronica73]

hey v73, real quick im pushed for time. if you are receiving therapy tehn id say you are best to leave this thing alone, there will be consequences eitherway if he is caught and found guilty and charged, or if he is innocent.

 

 

I wouldn't take this to the therapist either, it isn't their place to counsel on behalf of what you are not sure of, it maybe on your mind, but without factual backing in such a serious situation is not going to help anyone anyway.

 

 

if you still cannot keep this then your only option is to meet with the police and be clear that you let them know that this is just a suspicion and speculation and that you have NO PROOF ABOUT THIS BUT ARE CONCERNED and LEAVE IT FOR THEM TO DECIDE whether they will persue this or not.

 

 

I don't think its wise to talk about this with this man, and besides he has already said that he doenst want to talk about it so be smart and safe and do just that!!!!

 

 

you are not the person to deal with this professionally, and it needs different professional experienced people who know about this properly and can keep safe any people including this man in the correct way.

 

 

don't kid yorueslf that this isn't about people only wanting news headlines, if he's dangerous and guilty...he will get them with or without your/our input.

 

 

leave it to the professionals, but be prepared for the consequensces eitherway. take care maxi. tmes out.

 

Hi Maxi, thanks for getting back to me. I feel like there has been some misunderstanding or miscommunication or something, but just to clarify...

 

As to your 3rd paragraph/phrase: There is no reason for me to take it to the police because they have already picked him up and charged him. He is out on bail. This is all public record, which I assume is how the newspaper article got their info, and which is how I found out about it. This isn’t idle speculation, suspicion, or gossip. He has been charged, is out on bail, and this case is set to go to trial. I had absolutely no suspicions or anything until I saw the newspaper article.

 

As to your second paragraph- the reason I want to see a therapist (and the reason I posted here) is to deal with my confusion and how upset I am to find out that somebody I have known, cared for and trusted for most of my adult life, is being accused of (and charged with) something so horrible. Of course my therapist can’t do anything about the actual accusations. He has nothing to do with him. But I am upset by the charges and it is very confusing and I don’t know what to do or think... which is why I made an appointment with my therapist and why I disclosed all this stuff on here. And I can’t get in to see my therapist until the middle of November, so I suspect it will all be resolved by then anyway, and going in to see him will be useless. But I only wanted to see him to deal with my own confusion and emotions about the situation. Like I said, the police are already involved. That’s the only reason I found out about it.

 

And I’m not talking about it with him. I brought it up once, and after people’s feedback here I realized I was out of line. I’m trying to be mostly the same kind of friend I was before I found out about the accusations.

 

Thanks again.

 

(edit) and as far as my “what to do?” questions, I mean, ‘how do I deal with this?”. Not, “who do I report this to or whatever”. I have no input on the facts or anything. It’s just that the accusations are so far off from what I have ever known or thought about him, and he is someone I have known and respected for ages. So it’s confusing and upsetting.

Edited August 1, 2018 by Veronica73

[marky00]

(edit) and as far as my “what to do?” questions, I mean, ‘how do I deal with this?”. Not, “who do I report this to or whatever”. I have no input on the facts or anything. It’s just that the accusations are so far off from what I have ever known or thought about him, and he is someone I have known and respected for ages. So it’s confusing and upsetting.

 

I get you.

 

One of the issues with this site is that people rush to offer solutions etc but the OP is usually just wanting to deal with the emotional turmoil.

 

For that reason, a lot of threads go off track. This thread has kind of become about him or the police etc and not about you. I guess the advise of how to talk to him (if at all) is somewhat useful but in reality I don't think you will be talking with him for much longer. Which is why dealing with him as how you did before finding this out is probably good advice.

 

What your saying makes total sense. Your not wanting a solution because let's face it, for something this big there isn't one. What matters is how do you deal with it emotionally.

[Veronica73]

I get you.

 

One of the issues with this site is that people rush to offer solutions etc but the OP is usually just wanting to deal with the emotional turmoil.

 

For that reason, a lot of threads go off track. This thread has kind of become about him or the police etc and not about you. I guess the advise of how to talk to him (if at all) is somewhat useful but in reality I don't think you will be talking with him for much longer. Which is why dealing with him as how you did before finding this out is probably good advice.

 

What your saying makes total sense. Your not wanting a solution because let's face it, for something this big there isn't one. What matters is how do you deal with it emotionally.

 

Yes, thanks for understanding.

[Veronica73]

So an update...

Court stuff seems to be getting pushed back. Next meeting is beginning of November and it is a status conference or something. I don’t know what that is, except I know it’s not the trial. I can’t remember if I posted this or not, but he did get back to me after my crappy first response and said he didn’t blame me for my reaction...anybody would be upset and confused. So we have been friends again. He’s never said a word about the charges or the case, beyond at one point thanking me for giving me this free period of time to not think about it (or something like that). I’m still very confused. It’s on my mind a lot. We hang out 2-3 times a week and text a lot. He was in a psych ward for a couple of weeks and was diagnosed with bipolar. He’s now medicated. And he sort of, obliquely revealed that there is a history of sex abuse in his family.

 

Edit: I don’t know why I’m updating, but if anybody has any additional, helpful thoughts, I’d appreciate them.

Edited September 23, 2018 by Veronica73

[Veronica73]

The article in the newspaper that I found all this out from, referenced a “criminal complaint”, which is where they got their information. Lately I’ve been thinking of trying to figure out how to find this criminal complaint, and reading it myself. It must be public record. Do you think this matters? Or should I just be like, “He’s my friend, and maybe he did something awful, but he is my friend so I’m going to be there for him regardless? I don’t agree with what he may or may not have done, but I care very much about him so it doesn’t matter?”

[Art_Critic]

I think being a friend to him would mean not looking to find out his innocence or guilt at this point, being supportive of him and being his friend doesn't require anything other than the 2 people involved being there for each other.

 

Hugs... you are showing what type of person you are. wow.. he is lucky to have a friend like yourself, loving and non judgemental....

 

Thanks for the update..

[Marc878]

I guess I just suck as a friend.

 

Nope, it's a shock. Anyone would be. You never really know people. So you aren't an idiot either

[Veronica73]

I think being a friend to him would mean not looking to find out his innocence or guilt at this point, being supportive of him and being his friend doesn't require anything other than the 2 people involved being there for each other.

 

Hugs... you are showing what type of person you are. wow.. he is lucky to have a friend like yourself, loving and non judgemental....

 

Thanks for the update..

Thank you so much I think you’re right about not looking up the records right now.

 

Nope, it's a shock. Anyone would be. You never really know people. So you aren't an idiot either

Thank you

[Veronica73]

So...

update I guess.

 

I did try to be a friend. Love the person but hate the sin kind of thing. And maybe even people who do horrible things might need some support. That’s what I tried to think. And how I tried to behave.

 

But... I didn’t handle it well I guess. I think part of the problem was that I was sexually abused as a child and it brought up those issues for me. Which I had never really dealt with. And all of this with him brought up those issues. And he was going through a lot and really, throughout our whole friendship, he has never been reliable. He’s always been flakey and undependable and not really all that there for me. Just unreliable in general. So he’d be there, and then disappear. And at one point through this, and I know he was going through a lot....... I told him that being there for him and being his friend with all this hasn’t been the easiest thing for me either and that it brought up issues for me from my childhood and I had started seeing a therapist. And he went off and told me he didn’t want have anything to do with me anymore. Claimed that I had said that he was “toxic”. Which I never said or even thought. And so that was that. Basically no more communication. He cut me off. As soon as I expressed any difficulty with the situation, he cut me off. This was in January.

 

Since then I actually looked up the criminal complaint. And it is bad. Really, really bad. I can’t even....

How well do you ever really know anybody? Who can you trust? It’s still all really upsetting and depressing to me. Kind of heartbreaking really. I’m tired of horrible people.

Edited May 13, 2019 by Veronica73

[Veronica73]

You know what else? It has brought up something else for me. And I don’t know why, because it isn’t really related at all. But my oldest sister was murdered when I was in high school. By her abusive, piece of crap husband.

 

I’m tired of people.

[amaysngrace]

Not everyone has the capacity to commit such evil, Veronica.

 

Luckily things like these bring you down because it’s not common enough to be acceptable. And that’s a good thing.

 

I’m sorry for the loss of your sister xo

[stillafool]

I can't believe you were such a good friend that you supported him even without investigating the truth of this accusation. As I remember you were adamant about supporting him regardless. TBH, I think you should be glad your friendship ended. He wasn't as invested in it as you anyway.

[Veronica73]

I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

[Veronica73]

Not everyone has the capacity to commit such evil, Veronica.

 

Luckily things like these bring you down because it’s not common enough to be acceptable. And that’s a good thing.

 

I’m sorry for the loss of your sister xo

 

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[d0nnivain]

I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

 

There's nothing "wrong" with you. You have endured more garbage in one lifetime than most people. You probably never dealt with it properly & so you keep trying to be kind & generous to other people even when they don't deserve it. If someone has good boundaries, which you have not yet learned how to build let alone maintain, compassion & empathy are positive qualities but when you subjugate yourself to someone else's misdeeds & you get lost, that is bad. Work with your therapist to overcome the obstacles in your life. You can do this. Hang in there & keep getting stronger every day.

[Veronica73]

Thank you, d0nnivan. Yes, that is what my therapist is trying to work with me on. Boundaries. That’s exactly what she says. I guess I’m just in the dumps right now for some reason.

[d0nnivain]

It's a rainy Monday where I am. Seems reason enough to be in the dumps to me.

 

If you never had good boundaries, it's hard to learn to create them. So many people were awful to you, somehow you think that if you just love them more, if you are kinder to them, then they will love you. Unfortunately you are picking people who are incapable of being good to you because you never figured out how to stick up for yourself. Your therapist will teach you these skills. A few baddies may sneak through your defenses once you set them up but you will recognize them for the bad people they are earlier.

[vla1120]

Thank you, d0nnivan. Yes, that is what my therapist is trying to work with me on. Boundaries. That’s exactly what she says. I guess I’m just in the dumps right now for some reason.

 

Like Karen Carpenter says, "Rainy days and Mondays always get me down." (I feel like it's been raining here, forever!)

 

I just read your whole thread. You were a good friend to this guy. I also survived a few types of abuse as a child. My therapist believes it's why I also have a problem with boundaries, but I'm learning (and I'm 58, so it's never too late!) I also finding myself thinking (and saying) "People suck" every time I run into a situation where someone has shown themselves to be rude, self-centered, or just plain evil. What I have to remind myself is that, for every one "bad" person I read about or run into, there are 100 times as many good people out there who really are caring and compassionate, and you are one of them.

 

Don't let the dregs of the earth get to you. The good people outnumber them.

[The Outlaw]

You've got a lot on your plate, and this probably isn't what you really want to hear, but just distance yourself from him until the smoke clears. He could very well be innocent, but even if he is, he's still sunk.

[Veronica73]

I feel angry.

 

People are horrid.

[Veronica73]

Maybe I hate him.