Just found out my friend of almost 20 years might be a pedophile

[Lotsgoingon]

Your note will not offend your friend ... you didn't do anything wrong. In fact, it is quite a fair note.

 

I'm sure his lawyer is saying shut up right now. Don't say anything ... because anything he says publicly will "can and will be used against" him right now.

 

The news that a friend, someone we know or think we know ... trust or think we trust ... has been arrested for some horrible offense ... is literally disorienting. As in ... you don't know how to orient yourself towards reality--because your sense of reality has been challenged.

 

What was up is now down ... down appears to be to the side. Your world is thrown into confusion.

 

So he's not going to hold that message against you. Don't fret it for one second. And indeed he might be guilty and he might later confess to being guilty.

 

There is no easy way out of this... as in ... X is the right thing to do ... and Y is the wrong thing to do.

 

Speaking personally, I think it's OK to support friends who have been arrested and accused of really bad wrongdoing ... I think even wrongdoers need some support, if only a listening ear. To listen or visit is not the same as proclaiming their innocence.

 

I think it's OK to be kind to a friend even if you think the friend is guilty of an offense ... That's just me ...

 

On the other hand, I don't feel I owe someone absolute belief in their innocence. No, I don't owe anyone that ... Maybe what I owe them is an open mind, at least partially so ... leaving room for them to be innocent.

 

The truth is ... human beings are flawed ... and we create this fake reality ... He's my friend. I know him. I ate hamburgers and fries with him on a Sunday night after the baseball game. Therefore, he couldn't have done X.

 

Lots of people we think of as "normal' are quite capable of doing horrible things. Pedophilia is particularly offensive ... A close cousin of mine got arrested and sentenced to prison for murder. Murder. Our family sorta put distance between us and him. We assumed he was guilty.

 

The cousin serves about 25 years ... and then the prosecutor's office comes out with a statement that the witness in my cousin's case was a chronic liar who shouldn't have been trusted. The prosecutor released this statement after my cousin was released from prison.

 

We don't know what the heck to think. I don't know whether I should have assumed my cousin was innocent or not. I'm still disoriented.

 

So there is no right way to go about this. Other than to be honest ... and admit you are thoroughly stunned and thoroughly confused by the charges the state has brought against this friend.

 

You haven't done anything wrong.

[stillafool]

Well, he hasn’t been with his girlfriend since April. So, that ship has sailed a long time ago. And I did apologize for the way I responded when I found out about the charges. But, honestly, I don’t think it is all that crazy to ask for an explanation about child abuse charges from somebody you spend time with, have over to your house, spend hours with, have known for 20 years and confide in. I mean, these are common laws as citizens we all agree to abide by. I’m not sure that it would have been better to just ghost him. I mean, I see what you are saying, but at the same time, he’s been written up about in the paper for something most people would consider a heinous crime. And the things we have talked about have been very personal, but he completely failed to mention anything about that going on. We aren’t just acquaintances. Frankly, he knows me very, very well and would have to have known that I would have been horrified, that he knew I would find out about it, and if he didn’t want me to say anything about it he probably shouldn’t have gotten back in touch with me in the first place. He knows me better than that.

 

I imagine he IS dealing with his own demons. And I did reach out again and tell him that I am confused and don’t know what is going on, but I love him and probably always will no matter what and I hope he is okay and is taking good care of himself. He said he felt awful and didn’t know how to talk about it right now.

 

And I did apologize. I’m not proud of the way I first reacted. But at the same time, I don’t think pretending I don’t know about it, or just ghosting him is the right response either. We have a long history.

 

 

Look, everyone who knows him now knows about it and is horrified, not just you. He has told you he doesn't want to talk about it so back off. Unless you are his woman or a family member just stay out of it because it is none of your business.

[Veronica73]

Look, everyone who knows him now knows about it and is horrified, not just you. He has told you he doesn't want to talk about it so back off. Unless you are his woman or a family member just stay out of it because it is none of your business.

 

I AM staying out of it and I have backed off already. I came here to get help because I was upset and itÂ’s not exactly the kind of thing I want to talk about with my friends. My posting here doesnÂ’t mean IÂ’m butting in. I apologized because of the way I reacted in the first place (when I asked for an explanation and acted upset) and I left it. I guess I didnÂ’t explain it well because otherwise IÂ’m not sure why you are again telling me the same thing you already said. Maybe you think I shouldnÂ’t have apologized, but I disagree and itÂ’s already done anyway. But thanks for your opinion.

 

Lotsgoingon, thank you so much for your post. It was really, REALLY helpful to hear about your similar experience and your thoughts about all the confusing thoughts and feelings that come with something like this. And it has helped me process my mess of emotions about this situation. Your description about it- that your sense of reality has been challenged is exactly right. Thank you so much for taking the time to write and think through all of that. It was exactly the kind of stuff that I needed thoughts on and has helped me immensely.

 

IÂ’m really tired of talking and thinking about this right now. ItÂ’s been pretty much the only thing IÂ’ve been able to think about all weekend. IÂ’m going to try to put it out of my head for now. Thanks again for all the help. I really needed it.

[OatsAndHall]

I suggest that you just take a step back from this situation. Chances are he's not going to reply to you because he can't; he's been told not to discuss the case with anyone by his lawyers. You can't 'be there for him" because he is in deep **** and is basically NC with everyone. And, try not to feel guilty as this guy acted like a moron; a 40 year old man answering an ad set up by a teen on Craigslist seriously screwed up and I wouldn't want anything to do with him, even if he thought she was of age.. It took a lot of forethought and planning on his part to comb through Craigslist, find something posted by a TEEN, respond to it, and then have sex.

 

 

 

But, I know how you're feeling. An old childhood friend of mine was picked up a few years ago on charges of date rape. He had slipped drugs into several women's drinks and raped them. I couldn't believe it when I first heard read about it because I had know the guy for nearly thirty years, he was married, had a kid and always struck me as Mr. Family Man. But, it didn't take much to convict him as he was in possession of the drug (without a prescription) that was found in one of these women's system, he initially denied having slept with them but then admitted to it and said it was "consensual".

[Veronica73]

I suggest that you just take a step back from this situation. Chances are he's not going to reply to you because he can't; he's been told not to discuss the case with anyone by his lawyers. You can't 'be there for him" because he is in deep **** and is basically NC with everyone. And, try not to feel guilty as this guy acted like a moron; a 40 year old man answering an ad set up by a teen on Craigslist seriously screwed up and I wouldn't want anything to do with him, even if he thought she was of age.. It took a lot of forethought and planning on his part to comb through Craigslist, find something posted by a TEEN, respond to it, and then have sex.

 

 

 

But, I know how you're feeling. An old childhood friend of mine was picked up a few years ago on charges of date rape. He had slipped drugs into several women's drinks and raped them. I couldn't believe it when I first heard read about it because I had know the guy for nearly thirty years, he was married, had a kid and always struck me as Mr. Family Man. But, it didn't take much to convict him as he was in possession of the drug (without a prescription) that was found in one of these women's system, he initially denied having slept with them but then admitted to it and said it was "consensual".

 

I'm sorry that you've had a similar experience with your childhood friend, but thank you for sharing it. It does help me to know that other people understand what I am going through.

 

And I think I am stepping back. The only time I asked for an explanation was when I first found out and I was emotional and upset and reacted badly and sent him that text. Then I apologized. I certainly understand that he can't talk about it, and I don't even want to talk about it. Even if he could, I find it too confusing and upsetting and he is going through enough right now. He doesn't need to deal with my emotions and confusion on top of whatever it is he is dealing with.

 

If what he is being accused of is true, then it is really horrible. 100%. But I'm kind of leaning towards the viewpoint, that it isn't the totality of who he is, even if he did it, and I don't know that he did do it. And everybody needs friends. And right now, he probably really does more than most. And I do care about him very, very much. And so, my thoughts right now are, if we can still be friends, similar to what we have been before I found the newspaper article and texted him about it, I think I would like to be there for him in that way. And I don't mean by talking about the case whatsoever. I do NOT want to do that at all. I just mean, texting and talking about our days and having lunch sometimes and helping each other out once in awhile like we had been doing before I found out about the accusations.

[stillafool]

 

If what he is being accused of is true, then it is really horrible. 100%. But I'm kind of leaning towards the viewpoint, that it isn't the totality of who he is, even if he did it, and I don't know that he did do it. And everybody needs friends. And right now, he probably really does more than most. And I do care about him very, very much. And so, my thoughts right now are, if we can still be friends, similar to what we have been before I found the newspaper article and texted him about it, I think I would like to be there for him in that way. And I don't mean by talking about the case whatsoever. I do NOT want to do that at all. I just mean, texting and talking about our days and having lunch sometimes and helping each other out once in awhile like we had been doing before I found out about the accusations.

 

If he did in fact seek out a 14 year old boy for sex he is a Pedophile. He is also gay. He never said "I'm innocent and court will prove it" to you, did he?

[FMW]

Several years ago I was on a jury for a case where a 35 year old man had sex in a park infamous for gay hookups with a 14 year old boy. When the boy walked into the courtroom to testify there was an audible gasp. He was 6'4", 220 lbs and would have easily passed for 20. The boy had told the defendant (and he testified to this) that he was a 19 year old college student.

 

We had a hung jury because we had a middle school teacher on the jury who swore it should have been obvious he was a child by his goofy conversation. As if a 19 year old college boy doesn't have goofy conversations. I read in the paper about 6 months later that the second jury acquitted the accused.

 

So who knows what the facts are, the paper may not have been accurate.

[Veronica73]

I don't know if he did or didn't do it. It certainly doesn't seem at all like something he would do from what I know of him. And like so many people have said, including you multiple times, he can't talk about it and doesn't owe me an explanation.

 

And I couldn't care less if he is gay or not. And even if he did do it, which I don't know that he did, but if he did, that isn't the totality of who he is. Yes, IF he is a pedophile and he acted on it that is awful. But mostly the acting on it part. I seriously doubt pedophiles choose to have those desires. Now acting on them is a different matter completely. But sometimes people do awful things. I mean, I know somebody who drove drunk and got in an accident and mangled some people and killed at least one person. That to me, seems objectively much worse than what my friend did, and I don't think she (the drunk driver) deserves to die or have no friends or be ostracized and demonized for the rest of her life. Even though she did something horrible that had horrible consequences.

 

(edit) I was responding to stillafool.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I don't know if he did or didn't do it. It certainly doesn't seem at all like something he would do from what I know of him.

 

I have a family friend who served several years for child porn. It was shocking to everyone. As I said before, people with these proclivities don't go around "advertising" it.

[Veronica73]

I have a family friend who served several years for child porn. It was shocking to everyone. As I said before, people with these proclivities don't go around "advertising" it.

 

I know that this happens. And I'm not saying my mind is made up. And I appreciate everbody's viewpoints and experiences. Especially people's viewpoints like yours who have been through similar experiences. So thank you.

[Veronica73]

Several years ago I was on a jury for a case where a 35 year old man had sex in a park infamous for gay hookups with a 14 year old boy. When the boy walked into the courtroom to testify there was an audible gasp. He was 6'4", 220 lbs and would have easily passed for 20. The boy had told the defendant (and he testified to this) that he was a 19 year old college student.

 

We had a hung jury because we had a middle school teacher on the jury who swore it should have been obvious he was a child by his goofy conversation. As if a 19 year old college boy doesn't have goofy conversations. I read in the paper about 6 months later that the second jury acquitted the accused.

 

So who knows what the facts are, the paper may not have been accurate.

 

When I was a kid, my family had access to the local college's pool (and whole gym building really). But my brother and our neighbor friends went to the pool all summer, and the college kids would talk to my younger brother, who was over 6 feet tall and looked and acted very mature. They talked to him as if he was a college student. And he looked and acted like it. They wanted to know where he was living next year. And it was the summer between his 7th and 8th grade years. And yes, I am very aware that there is a big difference between a 40 year old and an 18 year old. But I agree that some kids can look and seem a lot older than they really are.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

When I was a kid, my family had access to the local college's pool (and whole gym building really). But my brother and our neighbor friends went to the pool all summer, and the college kids would talk to my younger brother, who was over 6 feet tall and looked and acted very mature. They talked to him as if he was a college student. And he looked and acted like it. They wanted to know where he was living next year. And it was the summer between his 7th and 8th grade years. And yes, I am very aware that there is a big difference between a 40 year old and an 18 year old. But I agree that some kids can look and seem a lot older than they really are.

 

That reminded me of a story from when I was a teen. The summer after I graduated from high school in 1990, the "finance guy" from my small private school started showing up at the public pool "we" sometimes went to. Literally hanging out in regular clothes outside the fence of the pool and engaging me in conversation. I was 17, and he was hitting on me. He was probably in his thirties at the time and just thought he was weird/nerdy/desperate. I must have been a super dumb kid back then because I can't even imagine why I didn't tell an adult about this creepy behavior. (Nothing ever happened)

[Veronica73]

That reminded me of a story from when I was a teen. The summer after I graduated from high school in 1990, the "finance guy" from my small private school started showing up at the public pool "we" sometimes went to. Literally hanging out in regular clothes outside the fence of the pool and engaging me in conversation. I was 17, and he was hitting on me. He was probably in his thirties at the time and just thought he was weird/nerdy/desperate. I must have been a super dumb kid back then because I can't even imagine why I didn't tell an adult about this creepy behavior. (Nothing ever happened)

 

Ugh. That's gross.

 

The situation with my brother is a little different because these were just college kids who viewed him as a contemporary. They weren't being creepy or predatory. But yeah... I see the similarity. Yuck.

 

I don't know... looking back, I've had some very gross, creepy stuff happen, especially when I was young. Probably most everybody has, especially females. But in my case, I was just so clueless and wasn't aware of...I don't know... the effect my physicality could have on some people/weirdos... I was just completely unaware and clueless and naive... I'd just think "well that was weird" and leave it at that. But then when weird things happen more often with multiple people the weird vibes add up and it finally registers as "creepy". And then finally the alarm signals develop and do their proper warning job or something. I don't know if that makes any sense.

[Veronica73]

I feel really bad looking back on my responses to some other people's posts because I keep saying things like "what my friend did" instead of what he "allegedly" did. I am not convinced that he did what he is accused of, and I feel terrible for not making that absolutely explicit in all of my posts. But even if he did do it, at this point, I would like to be his friend if he wanted it. I feel like my brain has been through a salad spinner and I feel very confused, but also terrible for any sort of verbiage that indicates that I assume that he did what he is accused of. I am confused and don't know what to think... but at this point I want to be his friend if that is an option. I suspect it isn't. But... I guess it is what is it it is and I can't change what I have said. Obviously, this has thrown me through a loop, which is why I said I wanted to take a break from thinking about it. But thank you again for all your responses and help. I don't know why I am such a complete mess about this. I can't recall the last time I have been so...completely out of sorts and not knowing what to think. Discombobulated I guess.

[BaileyB]

I guess I just suck as a friend.

 

How is the fact that he has been accused of an inappriopriate sexual relationship with a minor about you? Seriously. Am I missing something here...

[Veronica73]

That part isn't about me.

 

People were telling me how arrogant and wrong my first reaction was and that it was none of my business when I first found out and asked him for an explanation. And I mostly agreed with that (that I shouldn't have sent that first text and he doesn't owe me an explanation right now. he's dealing with enough). But I was (am) still confused and I have conflicting emotions and thoughts about the whole thing. And I do feel bad that I am not 100% convinced of his innocence. I don't know what is going on. And I don't know the right things to do or say or think are. And I feel guilty about it. Like I'm not being as good of a friend as I could be. If I was wrongly accused about something like that, I think I'd be pretty hurt if my friends didn't have my back 100%.

 

So...I don't know if that explains anything.

[amaysngrace]

You're allowed to think whatever you think. This whole situation must be very difficult to make sense of and unfortunately I don't think you're going to have clarity until the evidence is presented and a verdict is reached.

 

It's no wonder why you're a mess. You're stuck in limbo right now.

 

When is the trial?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

And I do feel bad that I am not 100% convinced of his innocence.

 

He hasn't even proclaimed his innocence to you, which should tell you something. So, don't feel bad about that.

[stillafool]

That part isn't about me.

 

And I do feel bad that I am not 100% convinced of his innocence. I don't know what is going on. And I don't know the right things to do or say or think are. And I feel guilty about it. Like I'm not being as good of a friend as I could be. If I was wrongly accused about something like that, I think I'd be pretty hurt if my friends didn't have my back 100%.

 

So...I don't know if that explains anything.

 

I'm sure his own family is confused as well and no one knows the truth yet until the verdict. I don't know why you are tying yourself in knots when you seem like a good friend because you are going to be there for him either way. Did you know he was gay?

[BaileyB]

You are allowed to think and feel however you think/feel.

 

I think you are wise not to be 100% convinced of his innocence... The police don't generally charge innocent people. And, he hasn't denied the charge.

 

You are understandably confused and tied up in knots. But, this guy has bigger fish to fry right now than to answer to you. He has to talk with his lawyer and deal with his family. I can imagine that he is a mess right now, whether he is guilty or innocent... It's understandable why he has not contacted you.

 

Just let it be. you don't have any influence on the situation right now. Give it some time and let things play out...

[Veronica73]

You're allowed to think whatever you think. This whole situation must be very difficult to make sense of and unfortunately I don't think you're going to have clarity until the evidence is presented and a verdict is reached.

 

It's no wonder why you're a mess. You're stuck in limbo right now.

 

When is the trial?

Thank you

End of September.

 

He hasn't even proclaimed his innocence to you, which should tell you something. So, don't feel bad about that.

Thank you.

 

I'm sure his own family is confused as well and no one knows the truth yet until the verdict. I don't know why you are tying yourself in knots when you seem like a good friend because you are going to be there for him either way. Did you know he was gay?

Thank you.

We have never talked about bedroom stuff with each other. Since I have known him he has had a serious girlfriend that he lived with for awhile. Then he met his ex-wife and they were married for close to a decade, I think. Then after his marriage split up he was with this other girlfriend (now an ex) that I mentioned in this thread. He has never talked to me about dating men. I feel like that isn't any of my business and is an insignificant matter compared to the rest.

 

You are allowed to think and feel however you think/feel.

 

I think you are wise not to be 100% convinced of his innocence... The police don't generally charge innocent people. And, he hasn't denied the charge.

 

You are understandably confused and tied up in knots. But, this guy has bigger fish to fry right now than to answer to you. He has to talk with his lawyer and deal with his family. I can imagine that he is a mess right now, whether he is guilty or innocent... It's understandable why he has not contacted you.

 

Just let it be. you don't have any influence on the situation right now. Give it some time and let things play out...

 

Thank you, and yes, I agree. I apologized for the way I first reacted. I wish I hadn't reacted the way I did when I first found out, but I can't change it now. And I understand he can't talk about it, even if he wanted to. Which I can't imagine he does. If anything, he might just want to be distracted from it all and feel normal for a bit or something. I don't know. Hopefully he has a therapist he can talk with about what he is going through. If he gets back in touch with me, I'm not going to bring it up again or anything like that. I hope we can still be friends even though I was a jerk when I first found out about it. We had talked about going our for tacos soon and going to the dog park sometime. Maybe he'd still want to do that sometime, but I'm just going to leave the whole thing up to him. And if he does contact me and want to still be friends, I certainly won't bring it all up again.

 

Thanks again for everybody's thoughts on the situation. Your feedback has helped me process all this.

[stillafool]

Well it sounds like you had no idea he was gay since he's been married and had girlfriends. If he were my friend I would never suspect that. Again, evidence will come out in court and all will be revealed.

[Veronica73]

He could be bi as well. Either way, that isn't something I'm concerned about. I mean, if that is something he wanted to get off his chest, fine. But it isn't any of my business. I guess I would hope that he wouldn't keep it from me because he thought I was a homophobe or would be judgmental about it. Because I'm not and I wouldn't be.

Edited July 24, 2018 by Veronica73

[JuneL]

Well it sounds like you had no idea he was gay since he's been married and had girlfriends. If he were my friend I would never suspect that. Again, evidence will come out in court and all will be revealed.

 

No offense, but I’m also puzzled as to why you kept bring up his sexual orientation. I read that many/most pedophiles of small boys are heterosexual in that they are only interested in women as far as adults are concerned.

[JuneL]

No offense, but I’m also puzzled as to why you kept bring up his sexual orientation. I read that many/most pedophiles of small boys are heterosexual in that they are only interested in women as far as adults are concerned.

 

Sometimes sexual abuse of children is much more about power and control, instead of sex per se.