Absolutely unconditionally bat sh*t crazy head over heels madly in love with him

[Madd_hatter]

@Beachead, you always seem to know the right things to say. I appreciate all of you guys. You’ve helped me more than you know. It may not seem like it, maybe I don’t show it, but you all have helped me so much. That’s why I keep coming back. It’s hard to talk about with friends. You guys are always there for me. Sometimes with tough love and I may get a little PO-ed once in a while lol but I really want to thank you all for listening to my rambles whenever I felt like no one else would.

[Beachead]

@MH

 

I know what it feels like to be on Day 1, clutching my chest and not being able to breathe, eat or sleep over someone who doesn't feel the same way. You know there's nothing you can do about what happened but you still can't escape how badly you wish they were in your arms. Don't feel ashamed about it. It's the most normal feeling in the world.

 

I've seen you get better and better over the past year in your own way, at your own pace. You showed anger towards him at one point for the first time. You admitted you needed help. You owned up to your mistakes. You noticed that people care about you here.

 

If this was last year, I'd have told you you can't heal what you don't acknowledge..but that's not you anymore. You've acknowledged things. You've become aware of yourself and you know what you need to do. All you need to do is give it time and keep putting in that internal work. The day you catch yourself feeling good, smiling, or laughing and it has nothing to do with him is going to be a life changer for you. I hope you come on here and let everyone know when it happens.

 

- Beach

Edited November 19, 2019 by Beachead

[some_username1]

OP you mentioned about feeling alone and no-one understands- I think you would be surprised at the people who can relate to your situation, unrequited love is rite of passage that most have to experience at some point, except you are feeling it more acutely than most but then that is not surprising as when you are young all this is new and there is no perspective in which to put things. Unfortunately I can’t tell you that you will never forget, for my part I still think of someone I dated nearly 20 years ago and wonder how they are and if they still think about me, still have the odd vivid dream where it seems like we are together etc. But I can tell you that it gets easier. With age and life experience you come to accept that that is life and there were reasons why it worked out this way. To the point where it is hard to even say with any conviction you wish it had turned out different because at that particular point in time you see things from an idealistic point of view when life experience teaches you that over time people change, sometimes in a very bad way, quite often in a mundane way, but a way that changes them from the person they were and that we idealised in our heads to the point where you realise that they weren’t the right person all along. You want to be with who they were, not what they became and from what I have read this guy didn’t change over time, he changed from being the person you thought he was the night he took advantage of your feelings for him. You are trying to defend him and I totally get that you would, but what you have told us about him contradicts who he has shown us he is by his actions- again, I’m sure one day as you put distance between who you are and this stage of your life your perspective will shift.

 

To sum up, what I’m trying to say is, take it from us, it will eventually become an event in your life, most probably a minor one that you will look back on and maybe not laugh about but appreciate how it was daft to let so much of your time be spent focusing on people that don’t further your life. But that’s not anything to feel bad about either because when we are young we just don’t know any better and if we don’t have people around us who we feel can help we have to make it up ourselves which is difficult. It’s just not going to get magically better tomorrow, or the next day so with that in mind i would suggest something a bit counter-intuitive and just try to live with how you feel and try and co-exist alongside it, making sure you fulfil your basic responsibilities to yourself and to your employer. Make peace with it that it’s there full in the knowledge that with him out of sight he will, eventually be out of mind. Just don’t try and contact him now and keep going to therapy where possible. FWIW I agree with what your therapist has said. Further, it seems underneath you just want to be loved and desired, perhaps in the same way that you desire this guy, but that is putting you in a sort of helpless position because you are asking him, or someone else, to make you happy when happiness should come from within. Some people are lucky never to have to learn that lesson, others like us who find ourselves let down by someone we felt we need have to do it the hard way and figure out how to love ourselves more than anyone else could possibly love us- that requires taking responsibility and I wonder if this situation has come about because you feel safer placing responsibility for your happiness on others? Hopefully your therapist can help you figure all this out.

 

I wish you the best and I can assure you you aren't alone in all this OP

[Madd_hatter]

Co-exist with these feelings. That’s exactly what my therapist said. Stop trying to fight them, but also stop harping on them. Just continue living kind of like a “fake it til you make it” sort of thing. I’m trying.

 

And yes, one of the other things she told me was by me placing my happiness on others, it was taking responsibility away from myself. It was making it easier for me instead of trying to be on my own. I also have a terrible fear of being alone. And I hate meeting new people. He was safe. He was comfort. He was easy. He was my home. Took away a lot of work. That’s what she told me.

 

I decided to get back to work today. I had a long weekend. Way too long, and yesterday was my day of recuperating. I forced myself out of bed, took a hot shower, dressed up nice, did my hair and makeup and had some me time. I did some retail therapy. I deserved it. I needed to feel pampered. It helped a little. The night was rough. I cried most of the night. Didn’t sleep very well. I kept waking up and even when I was asleep, he was in my dreams... nightmares.

 

Work is better. I’m trying to stay focused and that’s helping me keep him out of my mind. I’m going for dinner and a movie with some of my girls later. I told them I just couldn’t be alone for a little while. I need to be with people I know care for me. I’m still feeling very rejected. Like I’ve lost. Like I’ve failed. I got a long road ahead.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

MH, I just printed this quote out for myself that a friend of mine posted on Facebook. It means something different for everyone, but it means something to me and I needed to hear it.

 

"The habits you created to survive will no longer serve you when it's time to thrive. Get out of survival mode. New habits, new life."

 

I'd argue your "habit" has been to stay obsessed with this man, to pine after him, even wallow in your own self pity for the last year and a half. I guess you might have needed that to survive. But, that won't work if you want to thrive. Time for some new habits.

[Beachead]

@CautiouslyOptimistic

 

"The habits you created to survive will no longer serve you when it's time to thrive. Get out of survival mode. New habits, new life."

 

That's a good quote. I think I'll adopt it into my life as well.

 

@MH

 

Seems your mind is finally opening up to the advice and information you've been receiving the past year. It's really showing in your posts now. I can't help but be proud of how clear you sound, even if you're in pain and grieving.

 

Just remember, healing will take time. You may feel yourself improve for a few weeks and then you might hit a rough patch where you feel like crap again. Then you'll get back up and feel good again. You may also feel kind of numb and plateau for a little while. Be sure your good moods don't come from denial and that they are coming from real things you're doing in your life. Both good and bad feelings will pass and cycle. Just let that emotional process flow and let it do its thing. You won't be able to think your pain away so don't waste energy trying. It hurts, and that's fine. Accept that its there and learn to live with it until its not...just like your therapist told you.

 

If you're able to, think of this as opportunity to learn how to let go of what you can't control while putting your efforts into what you can. It'll be one of the most valuable lessons you'll ever learn in life.

 

- Beach

[Madd_hatter]

I got an email from him yesterday. I’ll cut and paste it.

 

Hey Madd,

I wanted to thank you for coming to the party and to church last Sunday. I’m glad we got to see each other before I left. I wanted to tell you that, just because I’m leaving, doesn’t mean we won’t still be friends. I’ll come visit all the time, and you can even come visit us. I wanted to say I’m sorry for everything. I’ve been a terrible person to you. I won’t even say “friend” because I’ve been anything but that. I want you to know that I care a lot about you and never wanted to hurt you. The only reason I stayed away was because I thought it would be best at the time. I was wrong. I’m sorry Madd. Please don’t be sad anymore. I want you to take care of yourself. You have your whole life ahead of you. Be excited about that. You’re young, smart and beautiful. You are beautiful. Let’s not be strangers anymore, okay? Love you Maddie

 

That’s what he wrote. It really was beautiful. I didn’t reply because I didn’t know what to say. I’m happy we’re back on good terms. I don’t know what to say.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Wonder if his wife knows how much he still wants you orbiting him.

[Madd_hatter]

So I shouldn’t reply right? I mean what can I honestly say? No, there’s nothing left to be said. I’m just not going to reply

[Beachead]

@MH

 

So I shouldn’t reply right? I mean what can I honestly say? No, there’s nothing left to be said. I’m just not going to reply

 

No, you shouldn't reply..but do you know why you shouldn't? That's the real test here.

Edited November 20, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

Well, I think this is the first acknowledgement and apology from him. I don't know why he waited until he was leaving town. I kind of think he may have explained you to his wife. Now, whether he told the exact truth is doubtful but sounds like he must have done something or there would be no invitation and she seemed sympathetic the last time you talked to her. So I imagine he said something that made her feel sorry for you.

 

Anyway, I think you should not deny that he hurt you but you should just say something generic like, "Thanks for the apology. Yes, I am going to just move on with my life. See you and your wife when you come visit."

[Madd_hatter]

The reason I’m not replying? I feel like there’s nothing to say. I don’t want to be friends with him. I want to be with him. Friends is not enough. So if I can’t have that than there’s no point.

[preraph]

Well, that's fine. But you could acknowledge his apology and say, "Yes, I'm moving on with my life. Thanks for the apology." and leave out any mention of being friends. I mean, you will run into him in the future when he's in town, of course.

[Beachead]

The reason I’m not replying? I feel like there’s nothing to say. I don’t want to be friends with him. I want to be with him. Friends is not enough. So if I can’t have that than there’s no point.

 

Exactly!

 

And that's all this is about. As kids, I don't doubt you two were friends. But somewhere along the way as you both grew up, when you developed feelings, your friendship lost the sincerity because with feelings came hopes, expectations, hanging onto his words and hanging onto his actions etc. You tried to shrug those feelings off for years, pretending you could be friends with him but when he met his wife, it upset you. When he got engaged, it upset you. When he got married, it upset you. Those milestone moments in his life really shouldn't have brought those kinds of feelings on, if he was just a friend to you. But, the fact is..he was more to you and you saw the outcome of lying to yourself. It took a toll on you and your life. So, you know why you two can't be friends. The only way you can ever look him in the eyes and feel okay again, is to let him go and learn how to be happy without him. The catch is, when you get to that point (and you will) , it won't seem to matter so much to you, to be close to him again because you won't want to risk all the progress you've made to go back to those feelings again..because it sucks. Unrequited, unreciprocated love sucks.

 

It's nice that he's apologizing but really, what he's doing here is just trying to make it right for his conscious and soothe his guilt. He's right in that you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you but he's wrong in asking you to be friends..because its hella selfish and its self-serving. If you take that deal, he'll hook you your heart right through the better part of your life and it'll stop you from ever healing and becoming emotionally open again. You won't end up trying someone new who will love you the way you want to be loved, because you'll be stuck in the past.

 

So like you said..you wanted more, he didn't. You both wanted different things and ultimately he chose to marry someone else and move on with life. That's his choice. No hard feelings but he doesn't get to have it both ways.

 

- Beach

Edited November 20, 2019 by Beachead

[preraph]

What he's trying to do here is stop the begging phone calls like she did recently when she found out he's moving and called telling him she missed him, probably while crying. My guess is that some way that phone call made it necessary for him to explain something to his wife and it's probably along the lines of "Oh, we grew up kind of together and she has a little crush on me."

 

But whatever, at least he apologized and acknowledged what he did was low. He just wants her to move on and have a nice life.

[LoverOfDance]

So after an entire year of supposedly no contact, he writes you this sorry apology, Lol. Something isn’t right. How does he know you’re sad?? How does he know that you’re even struggling? There are holes in this story - missing parts. Something isn’t adding up. Why am I the only one who sees this?

[preraph]

So after an entire year of supposedly no contact, he writes you this sorry apology, Lol. Something isn’t right. How does he know you’re sad?? How does he know that you’re even struggling?

 

She called him when she found out they were pregnant and moving real upset. He didn't respond at the time. Now he's responding.

[LoverOfDance]

“I’ll come visit all the time and you can even come visit us”?

 

Lol, this is a very weird and f***** up situation.

 

Op, go ahead and reply. I am not going to tell you not to reply because I am quite sure that you will write him eventually even if you don’t do it now. If everything you are telling us is completely true, then he has left the door open for you. This is pretty f*****.

 

To everyone else commenting, you will be commenting on this thread for a few more years with the way thing are going, smh.

[Madd_hatter]

He knew I was sad because I had told him multiple times. I told him recently when I found out about the pregnancy and the move, and once a few months ago when I (I’m not proud to admit this at all) begged him to “pick me”. Plus me blocking him and abandoning our home church,.. come on. He knew!

 

I don’t want him to think I haven’t forgiven him, so I might just say something like cautiously said, “thanks for the apology, have a nice life” kinda thing. I haven’t decided yet.

[Beachead]

@Loverofdance

 

I'm hoping MH knows its better not to respond to that trap of a message.

[Beachead]

@MH

 

I think if you respond like to this to a message like that, he'll pick up on the coldness. Then he might respond in a way that you won't like. You two might argue, feeding off of eachother. And then, you'll feel compelled to make it right. ..or he may not respond at all. Can you handle it?

 

I think his replies will plant seeds in your head and make you dwell because you're vulnerable.

 

Furthermore, are you going to keep replying to him because you feel compelled not to hurt his feelings? You two can't be friends and so you two have to stop talking and that means the line has to be drawn somewhere and there's no nice way to go about that, through messages. I think the goodbyes you two shared in person was the best way to part ways.

 

He did what was best from. You have to do whats best for you. He can hurt over it but he can't blame you for it. This was his choice.

 

- Beach

Edited November 20, 2019 by Beachead

[Madd_hatter]

I know you’re right, Beach, but it’s hard. I wish I didn’t want to reply. I know nothing will cone out of it, but I love talking and interacting with him. I want to be more than his friend but I do love the idea of being able to talk to him again. But as long as we keep in touch I’ll never ever get over him.

 

I do believe that this is mostly to clear his conscious, and mostly to feed his ego. He likes having me there.

[preraph]

But as long as we keep in touch I’ll never ever get over him.

 

That right there is the main consideration. And since you've already confessed everything to him anyway, I don't see why not just tell him that. Thanks for the apology, but I think any contact will just make it harder for me to move on. It's honest. And you know it's true.

[BaileyB]

This guy is behaving just as selfishly now as he did the night that you slept together, after he bought a ring for his girlfriend.

 

If he truly cared for you, he would allow you to move on with your life. He is not willing to do that because it is not in HIS best interest. Sad.

 

MH, the only way that you are going to heal and move forward to create a life that makes you happy is to rip the bandage off and end all communication with this man. YOU need to put yourself first, because if you don’t nobody else will...

[Beachead]

I know you’re right, Beach, but it’s hard. I wish I didn’t want to reply. I know nothing will cone out of it, but I love talking and interacting with him. I want to be more than his friend but I do love the idea of being able to talk to him again. But as long as we keep in touch I’ll never ever get over him.

 

You like talking and interacting with him because for the moment, you get to immerse yourself in the closeness and connection you wanted from him. You get to immerse yourself in that world where he's yours. It's a high..like the high you get from a drug. You feel great for the moment. But then..he's going to say "See you later" and it's back to his family and career responsibilities, and you're going to come crashing down everytime. Comfort yourself in a lie and hold your life and yourself back? Or live the truth, feel miserable for a short while, but eventually move passed it?

 

It is very hard.

 

But that's the thing about life. It will keep giving us the same test over and over again until we learn the lesson we're supposed to learn to pass it. Once we pass, we have the tools of that lesson we learned, to avoid ever putting ourselves in that situation again.

 

The test for you is can you care about yourself? Can you put yourself first?

 

I do believe that this is mostly to clear his conscious, and mostly to feed his ego. He likes having me there.

 

Exactly.

Edited November 20, 2019 by Beachead