I chose the other path. I got revenge.

[stillafool]

 

MidnightBlue,

question for you: how do you force yourself to respect him once you know he's capable of talking about a woman like that?

 

I doubt most betrayed spouses have much sympathy for the person who chose to have sex with their spouses. After all, the affair partner had no respect for them.

[BaileyB]

I doubt most betrayed spouses have much sympathy for the person who chose to have sex with their spouses. After all, the affair partner had no respect for them.

 

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I think the question was how does she respect her husband, knowing that he is capable of speaking about another woman that way? It's a good question....

[stillafool]

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I think the question was how does she respect her husband, knowing that he is capable of speaking about another woman that way? It's a good question....

 

Why sould women be excluded from being called out on bad behavior? I hope my husband hasn't lost respect for me because of the things I've said about Harvey Weinstein, another man.

[DKT3]

So true--no matter how you cut it, yes, he wins either way. During the affair he gets to have a wife and a fun OW on the side. Double fun all the time.

After affair, he gets to blame the OW, feel the power of dumping OW, revived appreciation of marriage and of course the wife is still there with him. Neither woman would leave him or ditch him.

 

When does he get to lose? Never. Why shouldn't he play a win-win game then?

 

 

 

MidnightBlue,

question for you: how do you force yourself to respect him once you know he's capable of talking about a woman like that?

 

Honestly, most betrayed spouses want to hear their wayward speak poorly of the AP. Most WH have no problem doing so, WW tend to defend and protect the AP even to a BS

[bathtub-row]

I doubt most betrayed spouses have much sympathy for the person who chose to have sex with their spouses. After all, the affair partner had no respect for them.

 

Actually, I had a husband cheat on me and I encouraged him to end it with her properly. The reason for that was because I knew he fed her a line of bull. I ended up divorcing him anyway and in a lot of ways I was angry with the OW but he was the one most responsible for what happened. It was part of the abuse game he played with me.

 

If we women were wiser about the games men play just to chase, get sex, or get back at their wives, there would be a lot less hurt OW out there. We sorely underestimate men in this sense.

[Bittersweetie]

Regarding getting answers...one thing I learned in the aftermath of my affair and d-day and dealing with all of the other issues in my life is that: sometimes you will never find out why. Sometimes you will never get an answer. And that is okay.

 

I've mentioned this before, my best girlfriend in college ended our friendship abruptly and painfully after graduation. I held on to the "why did she do that" for almost twenty years. When dealing with all my crap after d-day, I looked at why I held on to that question for so long. What was it giving me? Nothing positive! So I let it go. She did what she did and I will never know why. It was like pounds lifted off of me. And I was able to channel that energy into positive things, like my new friends who are wonderful, supportive women.

 

At this point I was still holding on to "whys" about xAP. I thought, am I going to hold on to these for another 20 years? Was that really going to help me, help my marriage? Heck no. So I let those whys go to and it only created more positive energy.

 

I know it is hard to let go of the question on why could they act they way they did. You think, if you know the answer, then you will be able to move on. But you can move on without answers. You can only control you. Good luck.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Perhaps I'm wrong, but I think the question was how does she respect her husband, knowing that he is capable of speaking about another woman that way? It's a good question....

 

Well, keep in mind I am not innocent victim in all this but I guess I would say that my whole view of how men view women has been changed from my experiences and from reading all the stories here. Men basically respect women until they don't. The OW hooked up with a MM (my H) and so he did not view her with respect, because she did not respect herself. A woman who has respect for herself would not be dating someone else's husband. I clearly did not have much respect for myself either, so I'm certainly not judging anyone. But men do. They hold us to a higher standard.

[CloudyHead]

Flubberghaster: Make YOURSELF a priority in your life. You made MM and the affair the priority in your life. MM has not made you a priority in his life. You need to get out of the "fog" of the affair, set aside your emotions and reflect back (objectively) on your time with MM. Why allow yourself to be treated the way he has treated you? MM knows that every text or contact he sends to you is just a way to keep you within reach.

 

MM's opinions and thoughts are worthless. You will never hear from him what you want him to say. You will never get the closure you want from him. Accept the fact that the relationship is over.

 

Is what you are going through right now how you want to live your life for the next several years? Do you enjoy the roller coaster of emotions that you have endured to this point?

 

Now, you are pregnant?! Do you want to raise a child that is rejected by his/her father, has a stepmom and half-siblings who resent his/her existence? Can you imagine the self-esteem and issues this child will have in the future?

 

Another poster suggested you read your posts and I agree. You need to journal your thoughts and feelings every time you feel like contacting MM. Read what you write. I guarantee you that you will not like the person you have become and, probably, will not even recognize the person that you've become.

[brokenandhopeless]

Despite the overwhelming advise here against the contrary - yes, I was/am still considering it. Literally no logical, sensible reason - simply emotional!

 

Ugh. I'm so glad you guys are here to keep me accountable. I just keep thinking about it.

 

I can tell you this.. If you ghost him and don't respond, curiosity will get the better of him and he will want to know what happened to you/the baby. Oh the sweet revenge of keeping him guessing while you don't respond....If nothing else, as somebody else said, think of the entertainment value!

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

I can tell you this.. If you ghost him and don't respond, curiosity will get the better of him and he will want to know what happened to you/the baby. Oh the sweet revenge of keeping him guessing while you don't respond....If nothing else, as somebody else said, think of the entertainment value!

 

 

 

^^^^^ this 200%. This is excellent and exactly what you want.

[brigit87]

Well, keep in mind I am not innocent victim in all this but I guess I would say that my whole view of how men view women has been changed from my experiences and from reading all the stories here. Men basically respect women until they don't. The OW hooked up with a MM (my H) and so he did not view her with respect, because she did not respect herself. A woman who has respect for herself would not be dating someone else's husband. I clearly did not have much respect for myself either, so I'm certainly not judging anyone. But men do. They hold us to a higher standard.

 

Society holds women to a higher and unfair standard.

 

Men are still given massive passes for cheating while women, for the most part, are shunned for the same behavior.

[brigit87]

I can tell you this.. If you ghost him and don't respond, curiosity will get the better of him and he will want to know what happened to you/the baby. Oh the sweet revenge of keeping him guessing while you don't respond....If nothing else, as somebody else said, think of the entertainment value!

 

The entertainment value?

 

Nah.

 

Any thoughts that focus on him at all is keeping her stuck in obsession. If someone enjoys the feeling of obsession then i guess it would be entertaining. But most ppl find obsession draining and depressing.

[brokenandhopeless]

The entertainment value?

 

Nah.

 

Any thoughts that focus on him at all is keeping her stuck in obsession. If someone enjoys the feeling of obsession then i guess it would be entertaining. But most ppl find obsession draining and depressing.

 

I agree. I am stuck in the obsession/addiction loop but as an outsider reading this, I am trying to offer advice that might help her see a different point of this situation. Of course, none of this is a joke or entertainment really but every once in a while, I get the itch to treat the narcissist the way they treat us...Only I am powerless to do it and hope somebody is stronger than I am. I am totally with you on the "obsession draining/depressing" bit. If I had the strength for sweet revenge, oh golly. And before the other posters say anything, yup I am not playing the victim card at all! I know my moral compass is shot and I jumped into it eyes wide open.

[brigit87]

I agree. I am stuck in the obsession/addiction loop but as an outsider reading this, I am trying to offer advice that might help her see a different point of this situation. Of course, none of this is a joke or entertainment really but every once in a while, I get the itch to treat the narcissist the way they treat us...Only I am powerless to do it and hope somebody is stronger than I am. I am totally with you on the "obsession draining/depressing" bit. If I had the strength for sweet revenge, oh golly. And before the other posters say anything, yup I am not playing the victim card at all! I know my moral compass is shot and I jumped into it eyes wide open.

 

I get that.

 

Also, I understand the desire to get back at the narcissist; hoping in some way that you can right the wrong the narcissist did to make you feel bad.But it NEVER works. It only keeps the cycle going.

 

There's a line from a movie I like "vengeance is a poor mans grief."

 

The best thing anyone can do to get over the obsession is to let yourself feel the grief. Feel bad. It's OK. There isn't any shame in feeling bad. And once you feel bad for long enough you'll stop feeling bad and stop wanting revenge or connection. You'll still have thoughts of the person but the thoughts will dissipate and you'll have your mind back to concentrate on other things.

[Bittersweetie]

Regarding getting answers...one thing I learned in the aftermath of my affair and d-day and dealing with all of the other issues in my life is that: sometimes you will never find out why. Sometimes you will never get an answer. And that is okay.

 

I've mentioned this before, my best girlfriend in college ended our friendship abruptly and painfully after graduation. I held on to the "why did she do that" for almost twenty years. When dealing with all my crap after d-day, I looked at why I held on to that question for so long. What was it giving me? Nothing positive! So I let it go. She did what she did and I will never know why. It was like pounds lifted off of me. And I was able to channel that energy into positive things, like my new friends who are wonderful, supportive women.

 

At this point I was still holding on to "whys" about xAP. I thought, am I going to hold on to these for another 20 years? Was that really going to help me, help my marriage? Heck no. So I let those whys go to and it only created more positive energy.

 

I know it is hard to let go of the question on why could they act they way they did. You think, if you know the answer, then you will be able to move on. But you can move on without answers. You can only control you. Good luck.

 

I was thinking some more on this post and have something to add. When my best friend stopped being my friend, her rejection hurt me deeply. And I thought, if I knew why she rejected me, then the pain of the rejection would go away. So I continued to wonder why and the pain of her rejection continued to affect me. For years.

 

It wasn't until I let go of the questions that the pain of the rejection finally went away. While my best friend did cause me pain, her motives had nothing to do with how I dealt with my own pain of rejection. For years I let her actions control my own thoughts and actions. And she wasn't even around! When I finally stopped letting her control my thoughts, I was able to properly process and move on to a healthier place.

 

Does that make sense?

[bathtub-row]

OP, you’ve gone quiet. Go on, tell us how the conversation went with him... ?

[Passionfruit500]

OP, how did you decide about the pregnancy?

[flubberghaster]

OP, you’ve gone quiet. Go on, tell us how the conversation went with him...

 

Believe it or not, so far I'm all up on the advice here and its silence from both ends. Proud as punch honestly! Every time I want to, I read through someone elses pain of doing so here. There's so many threads that parallel this experience and not a single one has said "thank god I broke no contact!" -- the advice here is fantastic, and the proof is in those older threads.

 

Passionfruit500 - blood test is on the 22nd. I do not want to go through with the pregnancy.

[bathtub-row]

Believe it or not, so far I'm all up on the advice here and its silence from both ends. Proud as punch honestly! Every time I want to, I read through someone elses pain of doing so here. There's so many threads that parallel this experience and not a single one has said "thank god I broke no contact!" -- the advice here is fantastic, and the proof is in those older threads.

 

Passionfruit500 - blood test is on the 22nd. I do not want to go through with the pregnancy.

 

Whoa!!! I’m so impressed. I thought for sure you had cracked. Glad to hear you’re staying strong and finding ways to cope. Thoughts are with you.

[flubberghaster]

Whoa!!! I’m so impressed. I thought for sure you had cracked. Glad to hear you’re staying strong and finding ways to cope. Thoughts are with you.

 

I thought I would have too, haha! You guys have made a genuine difference in how I'm seeing this. Thankyou so much.

 

That's not to say, for anyone in the same position, that I feel strong. I feel weak as possible. I still WANT to. Long to. If I think about any of the 'good times' I become a blubbering mess. If I think about what he's doing right now, I become a mess. Things only get better if I remember the words here, read others experiences here, remember the 'bad times' when he simply wasn't there, and remember the admission that he was sleeping with his wife the whole time. I can't help but feel - if that tiny trope hurt so much, anything he concocts will be misery.

 

Still, if he called me I don't think I'd have to strength to say no unless I was surrounded by people. So its not all sunshine and roses. But the agonising pain and depression is lifting. The urges to respond are getting less and less strong. I don't know how I'll be on the 22nd, but for now.... doing okay.

 

** the other thing is... I don't have any questions for him. There's nothing I want to know. The only thing I WANT is him to be sweet, soft, loving, kind and affectionate. I want to see his face and hear his well-trained voice mimicking my accent playfully. I want to watch his card tricks. I want to be entertained and laugh freely with him. That's not going to happen, so... no point. But in short, I still feel like half the time I think the sun shines out of his ass. Just part of the process I guess.

Edited July 18, 2018 by flubberghaster

[bathtub-row]

I have an ex like that. I just can’t hate or even dislike him. Never will. He texts me every year on my BD and I text him. That’s the extent of our communications — basically a pulse check. But I don’t long for him, nor do I wish for the good old days. I think about him often but I see things way more clearly than I did a few years ago. No pain, just memories.

 

I understand where you’re at with all of it but I hope you can keep in mind that leaving things as they are is the best possible scenario in this case.

[Imajerk17]

Flubberghaster: Make YOURSELF a priority in your life. You made MM and the affair the priority in your life. MM has not made you a priority in his life. You need to get out of the "fog" of the affair, set aside your emotions and reflect back (objectively) on your time with MM. Why allow yourself to be treated the way he has treated you? MM knows that every text or contact he sends to you is just a way to keep you within reach.

 

MM's opinions and thoughts are worthless. You will never hear from him what you want him to say. You will never get the closure you want from him. Accept the fact that the relationship is over.

 

Is what you are going through right now how you want to live your life for the next several years? Do you enjoy the roller coaster of emotions that you have endured to this point?

 

Now, you are pregnant?! Do you want to raise a child that is rejected by his/her father, has a stepmom and half-siblings who resent his/her existence? Can you imagine the self-esteem and issues this child will have in the future?

 

Another poster suggested you read your posts and I agree. You need to journal your thoughts and feelings every time you feel like contacting MM. Read what you write. I guarantee you that you will not like the person you have become and, probably, will not even recognize the person that you've become.

 

I agree w most of this post except the bolded. Thing is OP made herself a priority already. To an extent she should not have in fact--she *gave herself permission* to go for another woman's husband when she (the wife) was pregnant w his baby infact. OP put her own needs before those of MM's wife and children.

 

I'm not trying to kick someone when down, I am just presenting the facts here.

Edited July 19, 2018 by Imajerk17

[brokenandhopeless]

I thought I would have too, haha! You guys have made a genuine difference in how I'm seeing this. Thankyou so much.

 

That's not to say, for anyone in the same position, that I feel strong. I feel weak as possible. I still WANT to. Long to. If I think about any of the 'good times' I become a blubbering mess. If I think about what he's doing right now, I become a mess. Things only get better if I remember the words here, read others experiences here, remember the 'bad times' when he simply wasn't there, and remember the admission that he was sleeping with his wife the whole time. I can't help but feel - if that tiny trope hurt so much, anything he concocts will be misery.

 

Still, if he called me I don't think I'd have to strength to say no unless I was surrounded by people. So its not all sunshine and roses. But the agonising pain and depression is lifting. The urges to respond are getting less and less strong. I don't know how I'll be on the 22nd, but for now.... doing okay.

 

** the other thing is... I don't have any questions for him. There's nothing I want to know. The only thing I WANT is him to be sweet, soft, loving, kind and affectionate. I want to see his face and hear his well-trained voice mimicking my accent playfully. I want to watch his card tricks. I want to be entertained and laugh freely with him. That's not going to happen, so... no point. But in short, I still feel like half the time I think the sun shines out of his ass. Just part of the process I guess.

 

 

You go girl! I admire your courage and grit. I am not even in the same position as you are and am weak as hell, caving often. It's amazing to read how you are moving forward and being strong. I hope the best comes your way soon.

[Starswillshine]

The details aren't exact, so I know you cant be the OW my WH was seeing, but it is the same script. My WH has sent his OW a note and said he would answer all questions she has and that would be the last time they would ever communicate. Just like you, his OW exposed all. That isnt how I found out initially, but it is how I found out the details... like who she was, that they had sex, etc etc etc.

 

Sometimes you have to go through your own motions. Sometimes you need to just follow with what your heart and brain is telling you. Not what other people WANT you to do. Because if you just try to do what everyone else wants you to do, you will always wonder, well, what if I did this or that. Eventually, you will get to the point were you have had enough. You may wonder at some point about something... it'll pop in your mind and you'll have a reaction and then you will say to yourself, "you know what, it doesnt even matter. "

 

I think everyone here us trying to help you. They have your best interest at heart. I will say this, if you reach out, dont beat yourself up. He will hurt you more, but maybe in doing that... you will start to finally close the door and get away from the toxicity that is that man

 

Oh, and as for me and that cheating WH of mine? I'm divorcing his punk self. He claims he has changed. He wants to fix it. Etc. Etx. Yet all his new friends just so happen to be female. All his happy hour drinks are shared with another woman.

 

They do not change. Even when they say the most perfect things. I wish i could record him and how sorry he is and how much he cries and wants his family back, but I have people everywhere who sees him and reports back. It's sad.

[stillafool]

 

** the other thing is... I don't have any questions for him. There's nothing I want to know. The only thing I WANT is him to be sweet, soft, loving, kind and affectionate. I want to see his face and hear his well-trained voice mimicking my accent playfully. I want to watch his card tricks. I want to be entertained and laugh freely with him. That's not going to happen, so... no point. But in short, I still feel like half the time I think the sun shines out of his ass. Just part of the process I guess.

 

I can't help but think the reason you don't have questions for him is because you have forgiven him and miss him so much that nothing else matters anymore. Carrying his child is probably fueling your desire for him. Maybe you should just be still (in mind) until after your procedure.