I chose the other path. I got revenge.

[bathtub-row]

While I’m not a fan of revenge at all, I have to say that I kind of admired you for what you did - sending photos and generally blowing up his life - until you back-tracked and started begging him. If you’re going to go down the path you took, you need to stand by it.

 

Now you’re pregnant and back to begging again. I really wish you’d get yourself out of this mode. It’s not serving you in any way. You’re doing it now because you feel desperate and because there’s this tiny part of you that persists in believing you’ll get this guy back. It’s not going to happen. But I will say this - all the blaming he’s doing, he knows well and good that he deserved every bit of it.

 

At this point, whether you keep the child or not, you need to be strictly business-like with xMM. Forget the warm chats, his fake opening up - all that. What the two of you had is gone. Recognize that you made a huge error by being with him, that it’s a lesson you’ve learned from and forget about this class A jerk. Lots of people have been through this kind of pain and have gotten past it, coming out on the other side much wiser. You’ll get through this and can even shine but you need to drop the illusions you harbor about this man. He knows how to talk a smooth game. Wise up and be the moxie girl that you are deep down inside.

[CantTakeMySmile]

OP, May I suggest you just step back and take some time to reread all of your entries in this post. It may provide more insight on your behavior if you can try to look at it objectively.

 

 

It appears to the outsider that you are still trying to get something from him. He has told you very very sternly that is does not want anything to do with you. Meaning, you CAN"T and WON'T get anything from him, so trying to work it in a way that you can still talk is only hurting you.

 

 

You have made a very hard decision. You don't have to do it by yourself, but you don't have to do it with him. If you have made your decision, there is no reason to ever speak to him again. Now is the time to change your number.

[whichwayisup]

He called me. We talked. He was nicer this time but still adamant he didn't want much, if anything to do with me, or this. First half hour was us yelling at each other (the blame shifting was staggering, from both of us), second half hour was actual talking. I'm so mistrustful and angry of him, and he is very mistrustful of me. He said he has sold his wife and his parents about this baby. I doubt that, too. But that's on him. I'm not going to tell them myself. I felt no love from either of us. He did open up a little more this time, but I don't really believe much of it.

 

It was hope he'll be friendlier until this is over, though. I asked him to please be with me for the bloodtest (i'll make it a time he can be on the phone with me) and to schedule a time to talk about options. I really don't feel like I can do this alone. He said he doesn't care who I do it with, but its not him - and he will "think about it."

 

Messy. Bad. Sad.

 

Thankyou Poppy. Today, after some soul searching, and talks with friends... I'm not going to keep this pregnancy. I can't. I would be an awful single mother. I don't know how to tell him, or even if I should.

 

But if he said he was going to be involved, you'd keep the baby? Now that he doesn't, you don't want to be a mom because he won't be there... Why would you be an awful mother?

 

You're gonna be a single parent anyway as he's not leaving his wife to be with you.

 

Before you make a huge decision, seek counseling.

 

He won't even go with you to get the blood work done so you cannot count on him. And I highly doubt he's told his wife and rest of the family. And you don't know 100 percent yet if you are pregnant or if this is all stress related. False positives happen all the time with home kits.

[flubberghaster]

My decision was made. I didn't expect him to speak to me again. I spent the weekend with friends. And then I got a text, out of the blue. I had not spoken to him or tried to since the phone call.

 

flubberghaster,

 

You've said you would like to ask me some questions about our affair. I'm willing to answer some questions, but I need to set some ground rules.

 

- Please prepare your questions in advance (maybe with the help of your therapist) and send them to me so that I can be prepared to respond in the amount of time we have.

 

- I’m prepared to stay on the phone for 45 minutes, which should be enough time to respond to your questions.

 

- I reserve the right to not answer a question.

 

- My answers may hurt to hear; please be prepared for that. I am not trying to hurt you, but to give real truth that you can use to move on in your life.

 

My goal in talking is to give you some closure that may help you end our relationship. Please respect that.

 

I know why you all say "no contact", it really does rip open healing wounds. Not sure how to respond, if I should, or if there's anything I even want to know that'll be remotely helpful. Of COURSE I want to hear his voice. But I don't think anything coming from it will be a) true b) helpful.

[burnt]

I felt like my skin was burning reading that message.

 

I am so incredibly sorry that you had to receive and read that. The depth demeaning condescending narcissistic insult that filthy man can put in a single message is disgusting.

 

Oh, God,

one more time, I say to you,

please please feel happy that you are lucky enough to see the true disgusting nature of this man and please feel happy that you didn't end up with him and it's his poor wife who's stuck with him for the rest of her life and she hasn't seen his true nature yet.

 

My sympathy for you and my sympathy for his wife.

[flubberghaster]

I felt like my skin was burning reading that message.

 

I am so incredibly sorry that you had to receive and read that. The depth demeaning condescending narcissistic insult that filthy man can put in a single message is disgusting.

 

Oh, God,

one more time, I say to you,

please please feel happy that you are lucky enough to see the true disgusting nature of this man and please feel happy that you didn't end up with him and it's his poor wife who's stuck with him for the rest of her life and she hasn't seen his true nature yet.

 

My sympathy for you and my sympathy for his wife.

 

Oh thank God, this helps. I read it and thought "I guess that's nice of him?" and my friend snatched the phone from me and said "that is revolting. And suspicious. He has nothing to gain from that other than a new ego boost opportunity."

 

It helps to hear it from you too. Thankyou so much.

[FMW]

Please listen to Burnt and to your friend who snatched the phone away. This man is just so very awful.

 

I hope and pray for you the strength to cut him out of your life completely. Don't reach out, don't respond. He's so very poisonous for you.

[bathtub-row]

Dear God. He is so completely condescending. I’m really sorry, dear. I think I would be inclined to respond like this: “Oh, goody! I get a whole 45 minute session with His Greatness? Why, I just don’t know what to say. Oh, wait, yes, I do. How about you keep your 45 minutes and I’ll pass on the Q&A session. Btw, I’m terminating my pregnancy so as to erase you from my life in every way. Have a nice life and, please, never contact me again.”

[BaileyB]

He is incredibly condescending and self righteous. If you value your emotional well-being, don’t talk to this man. You are not going to hear anything that makes you feel better. I would not even give him the satisfaction of talking with him.. If anything, I would text him back and say, “thanks, but no thanks. I have everything that I need to know.”

[Blu72]

Although the above responses might sound catheric to say to him, DON’T respond to him. That is what HE wants you to do. He wants to know one last time that he has the upper hand in this and over you. DON’T give him that power!!! If you truly plan on termination of your pregnancy, enlist a trusted friend/family member to see you thru this difficult part and DON’T engage with him ANY longer. He has already shown you his true colors thru all this, responding to his narcissistic bs will only hurt you more. Let your silence to him speak volumes. Please please DON’T take the bait. End it for good now with complete NC. You don’t need to discuss this further with him

[BaileyB]

He wants to know one last time that he has the upper hand in this and over you.

 

Let your silence to him speak volumes. Please please DON’T take the bait.

 

This is exactly what he wants.

 

And, this is exactly what you should do.

[jah526]

Although the above responses might sound catheric to say to him, DON’T respond to him. That is what HE wants you to do. He wants to know one last time that he has the upper hand in this and over you. DON’T give him that power!!! If you truly plan on termination of your pregnancy, enlist a trusted friend/family member to see you thru this difficult part and DON’T engage with him ANY longer. He has already shown you his true colors thru all this, responding to his narcissistic bs will only hurt you more. Let your silence to him speak volumes. Please please DON’T take the bait. End it for good now with complete NC. You don’t need to discuss this further with him

 

Agree with this. The only real way to hurt a narcissist is to ignore him.

[bathtub-row]

Although the above responses might sound catheric to say to him, DON’T respond to him. That is what HE wants you to do. He wants to know one last time that he has the upper hand in this and over you. DON’T give him that power!!! If you truly plan on termination of your pregnancy, enlist a trusted friend/family member to see you thru this difficult part and DON’T engage with him ANY longer. He has already shown you his true colors thru all this, responding to his narcissistic bs will only hurt you more. Let your silence to him speak volumes. Please please DON’T take the bait. End it for good now with complete NC. You don’t need to discuss this further with him

 

This is actually very true. No response is actually the most powerful stance. I always say that few things speak louder than silence.

[flubberghaster]

Thankyou, everyone. I did respond in a weak moment, and said "let me know what time works for you." He responded; "send me a list of questions and we'll work out a time to talk."

 

I haven't responded since, and won't. But its thrown me for a loop. I was doing pretty well and not thinking of him for a day or more at a time. Now all the "possibilities" are there, but I know they're all painful. This helps, guys, I appreciate other people having a look over this and reminding me I'm not insane or being cruel in the aftermath here.

 

I know no contact is the goal and the ultimate way forward. Despite all of this, I'm fighting back the thoughts of wanting him, even in a tiny sense. I miss him terribly despite all these new sides being revealed. I kind of want to keep the fantasy that he loved me and it didn't work out. There's hope he'll "come back." Its a really nasty, messy emotional state. I still adore him. I don't want to. I know he's bad for the women he involves. I know there's no coming back from what I did. Christ, I'm really thrown for a loop. This is why ya'll say "block!". Posting here instead of texting him. Not adding much value, just to type... something.

Edited July 15, 2018 by flubberghaster

[bathtub-row]

The sad thing is that you love the person you thought he was; the person he had you believing he was. It will take some time for you to make sense of this and to become indifferent toward him.

 

We could speculate all day about what his motives were, the level of feelings he had for you, all that stuff. But it makes no difference. Recognize that you’re clinging to memories and that whatever was once there can never be. It happens, sweetie, and it’ll knock the wind out of you and bring you to your knees. But you will get past this and find peace and happiness once again. You won’t always feel this way and you won’t always feel this longing for him.

 

I kind of like it that you can just leave that conversation hanging from here to eternity. It would’ve been better not to respond, or to have responded in a less accommodating manner, but I hope you’ll let it go now.

 

Have you considered giving your baby up for adoption?

[BaileyB]

It will be interesting to see if you get another message from him, asking for your list of questions?

 

I think jah526 had a good point, the narcissist in him may not allow him to let you leave him hanging... He may be looking forward to the conversation, the opportunity to put you firmly in your place, particulalry since you told him you wanted to talk. Don't give him the satisfaction.

 

The truth is, there is nothing he could say that would make you feel better. So, there is nothing he could say that you really need to hear.

 

Based on his most recent conversation, it actually sounds like he is more interested in hurting you. Don't let him hurt you any more than he already has...

 

Focus on the future. I hope you have some good support. I hope, you find a man in the future who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.

Edited July 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[Blu72]

Do NOT respond further. You have the upper hand now, even if you dont recognize it. He is a piece of **** for how he has responded to you. Nothing will change if you reach back out. The only thing that will be accomplished is letting him know he got tbe best of you. You are worth so much more as a human being. Don’t give him the satisfaction of seeing you crumble before him - that’s what he is expecting, that is what he wants. Why else ask for your questions in advance other than to have a premeditated response to hurt you. He is an *******, plain and simple. Rid your heart of him, he doesnt deserve to hold any aspect of your heart.

[flubberghaster]

Thankyou everyone. Blue, particularly you. I needed something pretty harsh. He sent me another one asking where my list of Q's was. Very pushy. I've been rehashing ideas for a response and nothing sounds good. This got pretty pathetic. This was the closest one.

 

Hi AP/MM,

 

I have thought about your offer and have two prefatory questions for you to reflect on.

 

- is this a conversation - where you also have things you'd like to know?

 

- are you comfortable to make this a video call? I ask for the humanising element of both parties.

 

Thankyou.

 

I haven't sent it. I won't. I don't know why I'm posting it here since it adds nothing to the discussion other than just feeling stressed and unhappy about the whole lot.

[BaileyB]

I had a feeling that he would ask about your list of questions...

 

He still wants to engage you, but now it's only to punish you. He wants to hurt you, and he knows how to push your buttons.

 

Definitely do not respond to his message. That response indicates that you are interested in continuing to engage with him... He will continue to push through any door that you leave open.

 

DO NOT REPLY! Or, if you must, a simple - "I have decided that I have nothing to say to you. Don't contact me again." Done. No more contact.

Edited July 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[brigit87]

Thankyou, everyone. I did respond in a weak moment, and said "let me know what time works for you." He responded; "send me a list of questions and we'll work out a time to talk."

 

I haven't responded since, and won't. But its thrown me for a loop. I was doing pretty well and not thinking of him for a day or more at a time. Now all the "possibilities" are there, but I know they're all painful. This helps, guys, I appreciate other people having a look over this and reminding me I'm not insane or being cruel in the aftermath here.

 

I know no contact is the goal and the ultimate way forward. Despite all of this, I'm fighting back the thoughts of wanting him, even in a tiny sense. I miss him terribly despite all these new sides being revealed. I kind of want to keep the fantasy that he loved me and it didn't work out. There's hope he'll "come back." Its a really nasty, messy emotional state. I still adore him. I don't want to. I know he's bad for the women he involves. I know there's no coming back from what I did. Christ, I'm really thrown for a loop. This is why ya'll say "block!". Posting here instead of texting him. Not adding much value, just to type... something.

 

I've read a million posts like this but I'm going to respond to yours because I believe you can move forward. Your first step is to realize this is not about wanting a man. It's about your brain going through obsessive thoughts. Go on youtube and watch videos about pure OCD.

[bathtub-row]

Thankyou everyone. Blue, particularly you. I needed something pretty harsh. He sent me another one asking where my list of Q's was. Very pushy. I've been rehashing ideas for a response and nothing sounds good. This got pretty pathetic. This was the closest one.

 

Hi AP/MM,

 

I have thought about your offer and have two prefatory questions for you to reflect on.

 

- is this a conversation - where you also have things you'd like to know?

 

- are you comfortable to make this a video call? I ask for the humanising element of both parties.

 

Thankyou.

 

I haven't sent it. I won't. I don't know why I'm posting it here since it adds nothing to the discussion other than just feeling stressed and unhappy about the whole lot.

 

OMG. You may not be able to see it but that response would be SO bad. Please stop responding to him. Everything you say sounds weak. Even if you were strong or mean, you’re still engaging him in conversation. Let him figure it out that you’ve disengaged - no matter what he says back. He’s likely to start saying things that will push your buttons even further - like giving you a deadline or that he’s no longer talking to you. Just let it ride. He is baiting you. Your best bet would be to block him but it would be entertaining to see just how pissed off he’ll get. Believe me, his big fat ego doesn’t see this coming - you disengaging. Shock him.

[brigit87]

OMG. You may not be able to see it but that response would be SO bad. Please stop responding to him. Everything you say sounds weak. Even if you were strong or mean, you’re still engaging him in conversation. Let him figure it out that you’ve disengaged .

 

She is massively engaged and her finding different "tactics" to prove to him that she's disengaged is going to keep her in this sick cycle.

[brigit87]

 

DO NOT REPLY! Or, if you must, a simple - "I have decided that I have nothing to say to you. Don't contact me again." Done. No more contact.

 

You know what would be better?

 

If she sent him a message like this "This is making me sick can you take me to the hospital?"

 

It would scare the crap out of him and let him know that this nonsense might become out of control.

[stillafool]

OP, I don't understand why you are dragging your feet on his request. You told him you wanted him to answer some questions, he's ready to answer them so you can move on. His wife probably knows that he is doing this. Write out what you need to know, ask him so you will finally have some answers and then block him and start to heal.

[stillafool]

Thankyou, everyone. I did respond in a weak moment, and said "let me know what time works for you." He responded; "send me a list of questions and we'll work out a time to talk."

 

 

Sorry OP, but to me it does not sound like he wants to get involved with you again but just wants to try to give you closure. If you want it here's your chance.