I chose the other path. I got revenge.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Thankyou everyone. Blue, particularly you. I needed something pretty harsh. He sent me another one asking where my list of Q's was. Very pushy. I've been rehashing ideas for a response and nothing sounds good. This got pretty pathetic. This was the closest one.

 

Hi AP/MM,

 

I have thought about your offer and have two prefatory questions for you to reflect on.

 

- is this a conversation - where you also have things you'd like to know?

 

- are you comfortable to make this a video call? I ask for the humanising element of both parties.

 

Thankyou.

 

 

 

 

 

I haven't sent it. I won't. I don't know why I'm posting it here since it adds nothing to the discussion other than just feeling stressed and unhappy about the whole lot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Super glad you did not send this!!! Thank goodness!!!!!!!!!!

 

The reason you cant find the appropriate response is because there is none. He is treating you as a school child. No response required.

[BaileyB]

OMG. You may not be able to see it but that response would be SO bad. Please stop responding to him. Everything you say sounds weak.

 

He is baiting you. Your best bet would be to block him but it would be entertaining to see just how pissed off he’ll get. Believe me, his big fat ego doesn’t see this coming - you disengaging. Shock him.

 

Agree, I'm sorry to say. By showing him how hurt you are and asking for answers, you are giving him all the power. And, that shows your weakness.

 

He will exploit that, because that is the nature of the relationship. He has shown you, that is who he is as a person.

 

He is bating you. He is playing with you, as someone would play with a cat with a string. Don't give him the satisfaction. Walk away - his ego will never see it coming and he will continue to contact you... because, he wants to have the upper hand. He wants to know that you answer to him, not the other way around.

[carhill]

Told this one in the past here.....IDK about 'revenge' but it felt pretty good to send one MW's H all her love letters and cards from, eh, seven years of interaction. Nice big manila envelope addressed to him at the ranch. Found out (from her) many years later that it arrived the day before they were to go on a cruise.

 

That cemented NC in a way, pre-internet, that endured. We later did have contact but it was, IIRC, some 14 years later.

 

Today, I'd probably have to change e-mail/phone number. MW's can be pretty persistent if there's something in it for them. Boundaries have changed. For the OP, IDK, I'd just change everything and move on. Lots of other guys out there. Dealing with this MM keeps focus off of healthy and available guys. That was a big lesson I learned from the MW years. Up to you.

[Blu72]

I can not say this enough - DO NOT respond. If you do, you are setting your heart up for even more damage. He wants your questions so he can form his answers a head of time to belittle what you are, what you think you had with him, and to hurt you as revenge. Dont fall for it. BLOCK HIM!!

[jah526]

The breaking point for me was when I finally realized I was dealing with a liar and conman, and no matter how much I wanted answers I couldn’t trust anything he said to me.

[BTDT2012]

Don't answer, don't send any questions. If he really is trying to repair his marriage, he will share your questions with her. When you have your 'conversation' she will be right there. Block all his access to you.

[stillafool]

Don't answer, don't send any questions. If he really is trying to repair his marriage, he will share your questions with her. When you have your 'conversation' she will be right there. Block all his access to you.

 

If he is trying to repair his marriage he most certainly is going to share the questions with his wife and will give her the answers first. I'm sure that is why he's asking for the questions ahead of time. This could also be your chance to zing him with questions like:

 

1. Why did you continually tell me you loved me?

 

2. Why did you insist on sex with me __ times in one day?

 

3. Why did you tell me you were leaving your wife?

 

You could pose the questions in a way that tells her the most intimate parts of your affair that he would never do. I'm sure he probably told her about the pregnancy as well. If he is trying to hurt you this would be further revenge. I don't agree that you should not send the questions. If the affair is truly over what do you have to lose?

[brigit87]

If he is trying to repair his marriage he most certainly is going to share the questions with his wife and will give her the answers first. I'm sure that is why he's asking for the questions ahead of time. This could also be your chance to zing him with questions like:

 

1. Why did you continually tell me you loved me?

 

2. Why did you insist on sex with me __ times in one day?

 

3. Why did you tell me you were leaving your wife?

 

You could pose the questions in a way that tells her the most intimate parts of your affair that he would never do. I'm sure he probably told her about the pregnancy as well. If he is trying to hurt you this would be further revenge. I don't agree that you should not send the questions. If the affair is truly over what do you have to lose?

 

She could do that but it will continue the cycle.

 

What is the point of dueling with someone who has hurt and abandoned you?

 

It's not in her best interest.

 

She needs to withdraw from the addiction she has to this man. All the clever responses won't lead to healing.

[preraph]

You'd be broken hearted right now whether you had gotten revenge or not. He dumped you unceremonious Lee remember? So either way you were going to be sitting here missing him and the broken hearted. I don't mind at all that you got revenge. He had it coming.

But you better block him and keep him blocked for the rest of your life now because if you get involved with him again the gloves are going to be off.

 

The problem with being an OW isn't just that you're helping him betray his family but that you are dealing with a ruthless liar , and that will come back on you.

[Dreamwalker17]

Why you're continuing to engage with this sorry excuse of a man? He really thinks he is being very generous, offering you "answers".

 

You don't need him and his answers to move on.

 

If you absolutely feel you have to tell him something. tell him to F off once and for all and them slam the damn door already, girl! NO CONTACT

[FMW]

No, no, no, no, no, no! Please do not respond at all, whatsoever, ever!

 

Post here about anything that runs through your head that you might want to send to him, as you have been doing. But DO NOT text him. Not a word.

 

You're caught up in obsession and addiction to this guy, to this relationship. That would be bad enough, but you also have all the crazy pregnancy hormones running amok throughout your body. Try to understand that you can't trust what you're feeling right now. You need to step back and breath.

[bathtub-row]

Something that may help is to change his name on your phone to 'Jerk' or 'Dumbass' -- that'll make you laugh any time he texts or calls, and help you remember why you don't want to answer or respond. I did that with an ex and when he called 3 mos later, I was momentarily taken back -- and then I remembered what I did and cracked up laughing.

[flubberghaster]

Something that may help is to change his name on your phone to 'Jerk' or 'Dumbass' -- that'll make you laugh any time he texts or calls, and help you remember why you don't want to answer or respond. I did that with an ex and when he called 3 mos later, I was momentarily taken back -- and then I remembered what I did and cracked up laughing.

 

"Cheating, lying sack of crap" is the current one :laugh:

[bathtub-row]

"Cheating, lying sack of crap" is the current one :laugh:

 

LOL! Whatever the cell phone will allow in characters.

[BaileyB]

Something that may help is to change his name on your phone to 'Jerk' or 'Dumbass' -- that'll make you laugh any time he texts or calls, and help you remember why you don't want to answer or respond. I did that with an ex and when he called 3 mos later, I was momentarily taken back -- and then I remembered what I did and cracked up laughing.

 

What a great idea!

[flubberghaster]

I really appreciate you guys being so supportive. I have a bit of a history of being impulsive and not containing emotion well (gee, imagine that reading my OP) but I'm trying to avoid it at all costs. I feel so burned out from considering every angle. You are such wonderful people for selflessly helping others.

 

Condensed down, this man can't stand me for what I did. I need to dash the hope of him coming back, that's the key. That's what I'm pining for. That reconnection. Someone to work for and love and wait for. Its left a big hole in my life, and exposed some pretty major... abandonment issues? I guess you could say.

 

I've been umm'ing and aah'ing about it all day. Staring at that message and day dreaming about a video call with him. Normally that's where I'd end the fantasy but from there... what? What do I expect? Him to fall in love again? Him to talk to me like nothing happened? Or him to glare at me like the bitch who ruined all his covert plans and make a concentrated effort to hurt me?

 

This is hard, no doubt about it. And I miss how he made me feel. Its a lonely world without him, but haven't quite decided its a better one yet.

 

I am past the agony of it all though, which hasn't taken as long as I expected. Its now just a dull longing, a dull ache. A constant one, but it doesn't hurt as much as it did - and its only been a month. Anyone going through this, even when it all goes to hell like this did... it does get better. But it sucks. The curiosity is here too, I want to know what happened. But its none of my business anymore, of course. I'm also struggling with belief that he's trying to attack me with this - after everything, I still see 3 years of masked "sweetheart", not the last month of savagery. Our dynamic has always been me submissive/him dominant and its no surprise that we're still deeply entrenched in that after the breakup. He loved me because I was incredibly submissive -- I would suggest that's why this shocked him to the core. This broke every unspoken rule.

 

Deeper than that, losing this man felt like losing my father, my lover and my best friend all at once. Crazy the things this sort of experience unearths.

Edited July 17, 2018 by flubberghaster

[CantTakeMySmile]

I really appreciate you guys being so supportive. I have a bit of a history of being impulsive and not containing emotion well (gee, imagine that reading my OP) but I'm trying to avoid it at all costs. I feel so burned out from considering every angle. You are such wonderful people for selflessly helping others.

 

Condensed down, this man can't stand me for what I did. I need to dash the hope of him coming back, that's the key. That's what I'm pining for. That reconnection. Someone to work for and love and wait for. Its left a big hole in my life, and exposed some pretty major... abandonment issues? I guess you could say.

 

I've been umm'ing and aah'ing about it all day. Staring at that message and day dreaming about a video call with him. Normally that's where I'd end the fantasy but from there... what? What do I expect? Him to fall in love again? Him to talk to me like nothing happened? Or him to glare at me like the bitch who ruined all his covert plans and make a concentrated effort to hurt me?

 

This is hard, no doubt about it. And I miss how he made me feel. Its a lonely world without him, but haven't quite decided its a better one yet.

 

 

Wait! Am I understanding that you are still considering responding? Please post here the possible positive outcome before you do!

[flubberghaster]

Wait! Am I understanding that you are still considering responding? Please post here the possible positive outcome before you do!

 

Despite the overwhelming advise here against the contrary - yes, I was/am still considering it. Literally no logical, sensible reason - simply emotional!

 

Ugh. I'm so glad you guys are here to keep me accountable. I just keep thinking about it.

[bathtub-row]

Lots of us have been there. I know that soul-destroying feeling. That feeling of having lost your best friend. Of not seeing light at the end of the tunnel. That feeling of being astounded that something so powerful could fall apart.

 

I was so stunned about it that I wrote a 400-pg novel based on the whole thing - this great love, this sweet couple. Then, in the next novel, I ripped them apart and she ended up with the guy to end all guys. LOL! Very cathartic.

 

As long as you recognize that the things you feel can be your undoing, you'll be fine. It's hard to stay focused, hard not to cave in at those weak moments but you need to stay strong. And, btw, he knows without a doubt that he deserves what you did to him. There's probably some part of him that even admires you for doing it. Don't mistake that for eternal love. Resign yourself to the fact that you had a nice run and the game is over. There's nowhere to go from here except forward and away. I know it hurts but you're going to see all of this differently in the years to come. Believe that and hang on to it.

[FMW]

If you think about it you'll probably realize a lot of what you are missing so badly is the contact, the connection, the anticipation of the next time together, of the next text popping up. It's kind of like they take on a life of their own, separate and apart from the MM himself. They are the trappings of the affair. All those things are addictive and so hard to deal with when they stop.

 

When you realize that things might actually be over this time it leaves you feeling lost, disconnected, not knowing what to do next. That's normal and no reason for despair. You can and will get past it.

 

Continuing contact with him is only going to make your recovery so much harder and take so much longer.

[MidnightBlue1980]

The curiosity is here too, I want to know what happened.

 

Generally speaking, from my own experience and all the others' here, what happened was when his wife found out, he threw you under the bus. He said you were crazy, pursued him, used sex to control him. He may have altered the facts about how you started or got together, probably placing all the blame on you and minimizing any special intimate times you are remembering.

 

Then he would cry to get sympathy from his wife, also putting the blame on her. It's her fault too. She ignored him because of the kids/work/parents/friends. This would not have happened if it was not for her neglect of him/her poor management of money/ her "fill in the blank".

 

She would most likely have said, why don't you go to her or even, take your stuff and get out! and he would have cried and said no, no, I want to fix my marriage, lets go to MC, we can fix this, I love you, she means nothing to me. Or maybe the wife is weak and was the one crying, please don't leave me, I'll do X, Y and Z as you wanted. The MM gets what he wanted all along, his wife.

 

In all situations, the OW is not a factor other than to be blamed and later - laughed at. Yes, my H chuckles at her now. Boy she must hate me, he says. But he will say, she knew I was married, she knew what she was getting into. Zero sympathy. A joke. For me, you can read my saga but it was pretty bad.

 

Trust me, you don't need to make a list of questions. What if you get on the skpe and both of them are there? No no. Do not do that to yourself.

[jah526]

I think what you are feeling is not so much loneliness but emptiness. There’s a hole where the affair used to be. Eventually the hole will get smaller as you fill it up with other things. Someone here gave very good advice once about giving yourself the gift of a year. Indulge yourself during this year. Find out what it is that you love, what makes you happy. As I recall, this poster treated herself to a hot bath and greasy Chinese food at the end of every week.

[burnt]

The MM gets what he wanted all along, his wife.

So true--no matter how you cut it, yes, he wins either way. During the affair he gets to have a wife and a fun OW on the side. Double fun all the time.

After affair, he gets to blame the OW, feel the power of dumping OW, revived appreciation of marriage and of course the wife is still there with him. Neither woman would leave him or ditch him.

 

When does he get to lose? Never. Why shouldn't he play a win-win game then?

 

In all situations, the OW is not a factor other than to be blamed and later - laughed at. Yes, my H chuckles at her now. Boy she must hate me, he says. But he will say, she knew I was married, she knew what she was getting into. Zero sympathy. A joke.

 

MidnightBlue,

question for you: how do you force yourself to respect him once you know he's capable of talking about a woman like that?

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Despite the overwhelming advise here against the contrary - yes, I was/am still considering it. Literally no logical, sensible reason - simply emotional!

 

Ugh. I'm so glad you guys are here to keep me accountable. I just keep thinking about it.

 

Please don’t. He will be mean cruel and sadistic. You will feel worse than you do right now. By not responding you maintain dignity and self respect instead of what appears to him to be pathetic begging and grovelling.

 

I know you feel badly now but you will feel a MILLION times worse if you do this.

 

Please don’t.

[brigit87]

Deeper than that, losing this man felt like losing my father, my lover and my best friend all at once. Crazy the things this sort of experience unearths.

 

You sound as if you're dealing with emotional needs that weren't met as a child. This is common. I don't know if you're ready to cut him out completely. You might need him to emotionally "smack" you around a bit more before you're ready to leave this mess.