I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

June 25, 2018

No, he doesn't text/call her back when we are together.

Then why are you worried about your cozy time with him?

June 25, 2018

OP--the time has come for your boyfriend to stand sentry to your relationship's boundaries. A call once every 6 months is being polite. Multiple times/week? She's trying to undermine your relationship and is using her emotional condition as her excuse to do so.

Him being "polite" is him giving her the green light to continue to call him and whine.

He has not defined to her exactly how far she is allowed to proceed and that's allowing her to intrude on your time with him. That's not being polite. That's investing in keeping her hopes alive and using the excuse of being nice to do it.

And if she's as messed up as you're saying she is, then she needs a therapist, not your boyfriend.

June 25, 2018

OP--the time has come for your boyfriend to stand sentry to your relationship's boundaries. A call once every 6 months is being polite. Multiple times/week? She's trying to undermine your relationship and is using her emotional condition as her excuse to do so.

Him being "polite" is him giving her the green light to continue to call him and whine.

He has not defined to her exactly how far she is allowed to proceed and that's allowing her to intrude on your time with him. That's not being polite. That's investing in keeping her hopes alive and using the excuse of being nice to do it.

I wish people stopped calling mental conditions "whining" and "excuses".

June 25, 2018

The fact that he's afraid to tell her your name because she may stalk you on social media if clear that she's not over him as a lover and still wants him back. Why should he allow her to intrude on your relationship this way is beyond me. I agree that she needs a therapist and her own family to help her. Holding on to your bf for emotional support is not helping her to move on with her life.

June 25, 2018

Perhaps your bf shouldn’t be too eager to answer when she calls/texts, and should keep their contacts to text messaging only. She needs to know that it’s better for her to get support from more sources in the long run. I also don’t think distance should be an obsticle with their other friends, if all she needs is someone to share on the phone or by text messaging. Perhaps your bf can ask a few mutual friends he trusts to provide a little support?

June 25, 2018

Do they have children?

If they don't, then being in constant contact like this isn't healthy for your relationship, (not saying he should cut her out of his life completely, checking in every few months isn't bad in my opinion).

To me, relationships are dynamic and change. It doesn't matter if you know known someone for 15 months or 15 years, you can't expect them (anyone you know) to be apart of your life forever, at least not in the way that you have been used to having them. She has to learn that, and someone should communicate that to her.

Your BF doesn't have to cruel, but more firm. Because they are no longer together, they can't have the same dynamic that used to exist.

I am sorry she is having a hard time. Maybe ur BF should suggest she see a therapist if this hasn't already been mentioned in the past posts.

About him to telling her your name, I think is fine. I think it gets people too involved with each other's lives. The fact that he has a GF should be enough for her to know that they can't be what they used to be.

Edited June 25, 2018 by HiCrunchy

June 25, 2018

The fact that he's afraid to tell her your name because she may stalk you on social media if clear that she's not over him as a lover and still wants him back. Why should he allow her to intrude on your relationship this way is beyond me. I agree that she needs a therapist and her own family to help her. Holding on to your bf for emotional support is not helping her to move on with her life.

Well, that was back in November. Not sure if he'd now text her "By the way, my girlfriend's name is Heaven, sorry I didn't tell you back then", is also a bit weird. Either way, I am sure she knows enough about me already through other people. I can imagine she stalked me already. I like to believe my boyfriend is clueless enough to not realize, or maybe he hopes others didnt tell her.

Either way, I am sure she already has a therapist. And I am sure she already has help from her family. I don't know why she still needs my BF.

He always tells me she's over him but I have my doubts.

June 25, 2018

Do they have children?
If they don't, then being in constant contact like this isn't healthy for your relationship, (not saying he should cut her out of his life completely, checking in every few months isn't bad in my opinion).

To me, relationships are dynamic and change. It doesn't matter if you know known someone for 15 months or 15 years, you can't expect them (anyone you know) to be apart of your life forever, at least not in the way that you have been used to having them. She has to learn that, and someone should communicate that to her.

Your BF doesn't have to cruel, but more firm. Because they are no longer together, they can't have the same dynamic that used to exist.

I am sorry she is having a hard time. Maybe ur BF should suggest she see a therapist if this hasn't already been mentioned in the past posts.

About him to telling her your name, I think is fine. I think it gets people too involved with each other's lives. The fact that he has a GF should be enough for her to know that they can't be what they used to be.

Completely agree with the bolded!!!!

I think it's important to make that clear.... not sure how I will do that yet tho.

June 25, 2018

Well if she already has a therapist and family helping she has more than enough support without involving her ex. Since they don't have kids together I can't see the point.

June 25, 2018

Completely agree with the bolded!!!!
I think it's important to make that clear.... not sure how I will do that yet tho.

I don't think its your job to do that but your BFs.

I don't think she needs to know anything about you honesty, ur bf saying he has a new so is important but she doesn't need to know anything beyond that. He should be doing this even if he was single, because breaking up changes the interactions he will be having with her from now on.

The fact of the matter is that relationships change (friendships, and familial relationships are included in this), she needs to accept this. People die, friendships fizzle out, people move away and of course, people break up. I can see how she can't come to terms with it at the moment since she has been with him for so long, but is happens.

June 25, 2018

They split something like 1,5 year ago? It's time for her to put a name and a face on her ex's new girlfriend. It will even help her move on. I think it's time he stop protecting her that way. I am all for offering her kindness during these very difficult moments but I am against you remaining virtual to her.

June 25, 2018

The fact of the matter is that relationships change (friendships, and familial relationships are included in this), she needs to accept this. People die, friendships fizzle out, people move away and of course, people break up. I can see how she can't come to terms with it at the moment since she has been with him for so long, but is happens.

Heaven, I was under the impression she started reaching out to him only since she had her accident and everything tumbled down for her?

June 25, 2018

I know. That’s why i sometimes feel bad when i get grumpy at him for each time she sends a text. I feel that 15 years is a long time and you wouldn’t just drop someone out of your life after that.
Given the fact that they haven’t even seen each other in half a year and are only even seeing each other for logistical reasons (exchange of things/signing things) ever since they broke up, i don’t think there is anything to “worry” about. He is acting out of guilt/kindness/friendship from his side and i believe him when he says their conversations are only about how she is doing. But i sort of wish she would just go somewhere else for comfort.
After all, she knows he has a new girlfriend.
And that this is just not appropriate.
Maybe i am too conservative in this regard?

I don’t know if it’s appropriate or not. I think it depends on how often she’s doing this and how much time he’s spending talking to her. If they parted as friends, then it’s understandable that they’d have some contact. If it’s a daily thing, that’s really too much. He could level things out by not replying so quickly.

He’s a nice guy. That’s not a bad thing. I understand that a person can be overly nice but, in this case, I’d let it go. It’s just not something that’s going to last forever. His patience is going to wear thin eventually.

June 25, 2018

Heaven, I was under the impression she started reaching out to him only since she had her accident and everything tumbled down for her?

No but I noticed the contact increase as things have gotten worse for her in the past weeks.

A while ago they only talked every three weeks or so, it now seems to be a few days per week, or more (what do I know, I can't look in his whatsapp). This is just my observation based on how often i see him receiving texts from her, and based on what he tells me.

They split something like 1,5 year ago? It's time for her to put a name and a face on her ex's new girlfriend. It will even help her move on. I think it's time he stop protecting her that way. I am all for offering her kindness during these very difficult moments but I am against you remaining virtual to her.

I would like that and it would be important to me.

June 25, 2018

The fact that he's afraid to tell her your name because she may stalk you on social media if clear that she's not over him as a lover and still wants him back. Why should he allow her to intrude on your relationship this way is beyond me. I agree that she needs a therapist and her own family to help her. Holding on to your bf for emotional support is not helping her to move on with her life.

Exactly this!

OP---he's afraid to tell you her name because she may stalk you on social media? I'm not seeing what knowing her name has to do with how she is going to act.

Going by what OP has posted and not speculating, I think she's more manipulative than she is mentally ill. And even if she is mentally ill, that doesn't mean she can ignore boundaries and be allowed to intrude on OP's relationship and her time with her boyfriend. Exactly how long is she going to be allowed to keep doing this? 20 years?

June 25, 2018

Your annoyance is misplaced. You need to be more annoyed with your BF for allowing his EX's co-dependence to continue.

That said they have long history . . . 15 years I think you said.

If she has recently had an accident & needs help, him being compassionate is a good thing to a point. He can't save her nor is that his responsibility after all this time of them being broken up. Do try to appreciate the fact that he's a good person.

I think he needs to be more direct with her about your existence & your place in his life. If she starts stalking you on social media, make all your stuff private & block her. If she starts IRL get the cops involved.

June 25, 2018

My husband had a female friend with whom he was very close for many years. She always had a crush on him but it was never requited (she is about 350 pounds and immature in a way that grates him). Even when he moved away she would still come to visit him once or twice a year, and text him incessantly. When he started dating me, she was pissed! She acted like she owned him, and did not want to deal with me at all. The first time she came by, we'd only been together a few months and I didn't meet her. But the second time we had been together a year and he was unambiguous about introducing me as a big part of his life.

That's not to say your boyfriend should be doing the exact same thing, but he should at least be bringing you into other areas of his life. It's clear from your threads that you and your guy lead extremely separate lives, which is fine if it makes you happy but it seems to make you anxious. I also think this particular situation is very strange. Why wouldn't he tell you her name? Why haven't you met her after more than a year? Why is he holding you at arms' length over this? Why won't he do more to set boundaries and make you feel like a priority?

It is hard to know what to tell you because it's evident that you only have one side of the story, and your boyfriend for whatever reason had a vested interest in not giving you all the details. I don't know what's going on but it wouldn't sit right with me.

June 25, 2018

This was a very long relationship and in her most formative years. Her behavior is understandable... They're family - not by blood but by life experiences... So although the romantic part of their relationship ended, there is still a lot connecting them. In a way it's similar to leaning on estranged sibling when in need. That's not wrong.

But my gut doesn't trust her. Women are very sensitive to 'wasting their time', and she 'wasted' her years of maximal attractiveness, her fertile years etc. She might be attempting to lure him back, and might continue doing so for quite a while.

So I still think your best response is to stay involved in the situation. Give advice, be compassionate. DON'T express jealousy by any means. He'll be associating her with negativity, you'd be helping him reduce this negativity which will only strengthen your bond.

I think she was 18 when they got together and he was 23.

So yes she spent her whole 20s with him. And she lived with him for 10 years and now lives with her parents again because she can’t afford to live on her own (she doesn’t have a job).

I do not worry about cheating. He is not in love with her anymore and they haven’t had sexual relations for i think over a year before he ended it.
That’s not my worry.

My worry is that another woman is using my boyfriend for support that he should not be giving to her. She needs to get the support from someone else.
He’s not her go to guy anymore.
Not sure why she can’t learn that.

June 25, 2018

Why wouldn't he tell you her name? Why haven't you met her after more than a year? Why is he holding you at arms' length over this?

My ex did this right after I discovered his affair--wouldn't tell me her name because he thought I'd go stalk her. I didn't--I didn't have the emotional energy to do that. I was just trying to get through one day at a time after being punched in the gut with the discovery.

But curiously enough, his email account got hacked or something and an email was sent to everyone in his contact list and everyone's email was visible, so I finally found out who she was, but this was about a year after we'd broken up and by then, I didn't give a crap who she was--she could have his cheating behind.

My worry is that another woman is using my boyfriend for support that he should not be giving to her. She needs to get the support from someone else.
He’s not her go to guy anymore.
Not sure why she can’t learn that.

Yes, this is the main concern--she may be under the impression that your relationship with him is transient if he's not telling her "hey, I"m in a relationship with Heaven and you need to respect that and I'm here to make sure you respect that. I didn't allow anyone to do this to you, and I'm not going to allow you to do this to her".

Edited June 25, 2018 by kendahke

June 25, 2018

I really don't understand why you're painting her to be this terrible witch and your boyfriend to be some helpless victim. Nobody can text someone who doesn't want to be texted by them. There is this nifty little feature called blocking someone's number. Now, obviously, if she's constantly using different numbers to text him, that would be a different story (and would warrant a harassment police report IMO), but he hasn't even TRIED blocking her. In fact, he even responds. That's entirely on him, not her.

Both of you cannot control what she does, but he has control over what he does. The biggest problem, IMO, is that he's not doing it.

June 25, 2018

I really don't understand why you're painting her to be this terrible witch and your boyfriend to be some helpless victim. Nobody can text someone who doesn't want to be texted by them. There is this nifty little feature called blocking someone's number. Now, obviously, if she's constantly using different numbers to text him, that would be a different story (and would warrant a harassment police report IMO), but he hasn't even TRIED blocking her. In fact, he even responds. That's entirely on him, not her.

Both of you cannot control what she does, but he has control over what he does. The biggest problem, IMO, is that he's not doing it.

Well it will be extremely cruel to block her IMO, especially that they divorced amicably and she’s now going through hardships.

He can be more reserved of course when answering her... But we don’t know their dynamics.

June 25, 2018

I think it’s a bit much to block her. My guess is that the bf probably responds eagerly. Honestly what he needs to do is to reply to her texts with a brief message and with some delay. Whenever she calls, he can just wait some time to TEXT back a little.

I really don't understand why you're painting her to be this terrible witch and your boyfriend to be some helpless victim. Nobody can text someone who doesn't want to be texted by them. There is this nifty little feature called blocking someone's number. Now, obviously, if she's constantly using different numbers to text him, that would be a different story (and would warrant a harassment police report IMO), but he hasn't even TRIED blocking her. In fact, he even responds. That's entirely on him, not her.

Both of you cannot control what she does, but he has control over what he does. The biggest problem, IMO, is that he's not doing it.

June 25, 2018

Well it will be extremely cruel to block her IMO, especially that they divorced amicably and she’s now going through hardships.

He can be more reserved of course when answering her... But we don’t know their dynamics.

I think it’s a bit much to block her. My guess is that the bf probably responds eagerly. Honestly what he needs to do is to reply to her texts with a brief message and with some delay. Whenever she calls, he can just wait some time to TEXT back a little.

Lots of people go NC after breaking up, before they even get into a new relationship - in fact, it's generally recommended for healing. Is there some circumstance here that I'm unaware of, do they have kids together or something?

June 25, 2018

Your situation is different, as your hubby found his former close female friend annoying now (I don’t understand how a guy can have a close female friend when he’s not gay, btw). In this case, he just has to slowly demote the woman to an be something like his acquaintance. As simple as that.

My husband had a female friend with whom he was very close for many years. She always had a crush on him but it was never requited (she is about 350 pounds and immature in a way that grates him). Even when he moved away she would still come to visit him once or twice a year, and text him incessantly. When he started dating me, she was pissed! She acted like she owned him, and did not want to deal with me at all. The first time she came by, we'd only been together a few months and I didn't meet her. But the second time we had been together a year and he was unambiguous about introducing me as a big part of his life.

That's not to say your boyfriend should be doing the exact same thing, but he should at least be bringing you into other areas of his life. It's clear from your threads that you and your guy lead extremely separate lives, which is fine if it makes you happy but it seems to make you anxious. I also think this particular situation is very strange. Why wouldn't he tell you her name? Why haven't you met her after more than a year? Why is he holding you at arms' length over this? Why won't he do more to set boundaries and make you feel like a priority?

It is hard to know what to tell you because it's evident that you only have one side of the story, and your boyfriend for whatever reason had a vested interest in not giving you all the details. I don't know what's going on but it wouldn't sit right with me.

June 25, 2018

Heaven said last time she was aware the ex didn't know her name was back in November, that's 8 months ago. For all we know she has learn more about Heaven since then.

I highly doubt she is after Heaven's bf. She suffers from mental illness, she had an accident and is in a bad shape enough she had to move back to her parents, do you really think that's something a woman is proud of! and something to attract an ex with! Like No_go said this man has been her reference for everything since her teen years.

Heaven about having a conversation with your bf about what this woman knows about you and share your desire with him to be introduced.

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I am annoyed with my boyfriends ex

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