Boyfriend told me I should lose weight. How should I respond?

[kendahke]

Tell him if he wants you to be skinny, to pay for some liposuction, a tummy tuck and a BBL360 with Dr. 6ix.

[kendahke]

Maybe I don't see it as abusive because I'd appreciate honesty over sugar coating any time.

 

One can be honest and still not sugarcoat nor be abusive.

[JuneL]

You can't just agree to always be thin for him. You need to make sure he understands that as women age and also after they have kids, they are going to put on weight. It's just the way it is. And God forbid you would injure yourself some way where it's hard to exercise, you will also gain weight. So what you can't do is be with a man who has zero tolerance for anything except skinny, because if you do that, all you are doing is giving him the best years of your life only to have him leave you when you're 35 or after you have babies for someone who is skinny because he's that shallow.

 

So your main concern is to find out if he CAN love someone as they age or not, or after they have a mom belly. Then plan accordingly.

 

Here’s my observation. Unless a man is very high maintenance (and wants a trophy wife), I get the impression that he’s usually a little less demanding on his SO’s looks once they’re married and have kids.

[O'Malley]

His comment was tactless. I'd say that he's a bit touchy and insecure about his own appearance, but is deflecting his worries onto you (as he's aware that you are worried about your weight). Most men and women fluctuate a bit in weight, have cellulite by a certain age and get sick.

 

It's one thing to prefer a healthy diet and an active lifestyle and prefer to date partners who do the same, but his comments are similar to people who are paranoid about weight and/or ageing, who easily point out the flaws in their partners while avoiding their own.

Edited June 20, 2018 by O'Malley

[Adiron]

It's too bad we live in a sheltered society where we have to tippy toe around our true thoughts and feelings.

 

This thread reminds me of an article I read recently where a primary care physician got into trouble with his medical board because of a complaint by a patient who said her doctor said she was fat and had to lose weight or risk complications from her diabetes.

 

Don't know if the MD used the word "fat" but so what?

 

If you're significantly overweight, how about not caring if someone says "you need to lose weight" or "you're heavy" or "you need to lose 15 lbs" or "you got fat". If it's true- and you choose to live this unhealthy lifestyle and continue to stuff yourself with unhealthy foods and not exercise regularly than you really need to think about owning it.

 

The Op on this thread said her boyfriend wasn't rude and he comes from an outspoken culture where people say what's on their mind. Good for him for being honest with his feelings and bad for her who can't handle the truth.

 

Most of the stories are on here are due to problems in relationships due to lack of communication. Here we have a guy who is being blamed for being too honest.

 

Its ridiculous.

[guest569]

Can’t believe how many people are defending this awful boy. But yeah stop taking closeups of your bum and belly and talk to a professional. You’re already thinking like a person who has an eating disorder. This guy will gladly encourage it.

 

I mean, people know what they look like and what they weigh. There is something called a “mirror” and another thing called “scales”. Some might think people are dumb and need to be told what weight they should be and if they are putting on weight. Truth is, most young women are already obsessing over their weight and appearance (thanks society - you’re obviously correct in that women ARE objects to be looked at, not human beings). The boy is an insensitive and controlling idiot who should be dropped in favour for some dummy that needs to be told when to eat, sleep and breathe. I think that his comments show that he is controlling and you need to put him in his place. Maybe I’m just too independent but I think there are certain things you need to have responsibility for yourself within a relationship.

 

I said the same in another thread to the woman, if your boyfriend’s weight gain upsets you, suck it up or leave. He knows he is overweight and is working on it. It’s no one else’s place to say.

[nospam99]

Male here.

 

Observation 1: I see several of the LS ladies who usually seem more 'even tempered' getting pretty upset with this scenario, to the extent of saying they'd break up with a bf who said what the OP's bf said.

 

Observation 2: Being no expert on cellulite, I went to wikipedia and found https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Dimpled_appearance_of_cellulite.jpg There is a difference with 'fat', 'overweight', 'obese', and cellulite. If my gf looked like the photo from wikipedia, I'd have no complaints.

 

Obviously, to me, 'cellulite', at least as illustrated on wikipedia is no problem. However I have yet to date a woman who appeared to be 'fat', 'overweight', or 'obese'. The best way I can 'illustrate' that stardard is to say that my ex-wife did not cross into that 'zone' until she passed size 16. If I was in a relationship and my partner gained enough weight to be 'fat' in my perception, I would expect as a condition of our relationship that it would be okay for me a) say so b) strongly suggest she do something about it and c) offer to work with her on diet and exercise and do exactly what she was doing to control her weight.

[mortensorchid]

Whatever you do, whether it's about this or any other issue you need to talk about with someone, business or personal, do it FACE TO FACE NOT BY TEXT. Texting is not an effective method of communication by any means but we do it because there is a wall of safety between you and another person. Things can also be misinterpreted in a text rather than with talking, and you also cannot have a deep, meaningful conversation with someone via text if you want to. Try it. But I digress …

 

If this is something that is bothering you, then you should loose weight because you should loose weight. As for his thoughts/feelings on this? Does he want you to loose weight because it's a condition of something else? If so, that's not a good condition to have between you two. And say it does happen - you loose the weight and … Then what? He has to live up to his end of the bargain, which is what? If there is an end to the bargain for him.

[heavenonearth]

Men on this thread talk about obesity and BMIs and health risks and we still don’t know how “heavy” OP really is.

 

I bet 10 bucks she is nowhere near overweight and her boyfriend is simply an insecure guy who needs to put down his girlfriend in order to feel better about himself.

 

In the end, what matters is that this guy hurt her feelings enough for her to seek advice. She should tell him that he hurt her feelings and based on his reaction it can be discussed if she should stay with him or not.

 

That’s what i would do.

 

But i still take the guess these are warning signs of gaslighting.

[d0nnivain]

The way he expressed this was clearly horrible. If you think his statement was out of genuine concern for your health, talk to him about it. If it was cosmetic, dump him. Do not text him about this. Texting is too flawed to handle this level of emotion. Why you didn't let him have it with both barrels when he made the initial comment is where I'm lost. Even if you think you need to lose weight, that does not give him license to insult you. If my husband said that to me my response would be "I can lose 185 lbs right now by divorcing your ass." Stick up for yourself in person not through text.

[basil67]

So he should just suck it up and let her continue to gain weight until he can't stand it any longer and leaves?

 

Let's also be clear that this guy is making no mention of healthy weight. He wants her to be "skinny". There's a huge difference between wanting a person to be healthy and wanting them to be skinny.

[Adiron]

Let's also be clear that this guy is making no mention of healthy weight. He wants her to be "skinny". There's a huge difference between wanting a person to be healthy and wanting them to be skinny.

 

 

Well he might have used the word skinny but I think the same way he does and to me "skinny" = "thin" = "healthy weight"

[basil67]

Well he might have used the word skinny but I think the same way he does and to me "skinny" = "thin" = "healthy weight"

 

Thing is though, if we want to convey a message to someone we care about, it's best to use language which cannot be misinterpreted.

 

I always interpret skinny as meaning reed thin.

[gaius]

Go on a hunger strike to protest his uncouth and insensitive ways.

[guest569]

Male here.

 

Observation 1: I see several of the LS ladies who usually seem more 'even tempered' getting pretty upset with this scenario, to the extent of saying they'd break up with a bf who said what the OP's bf said.

 

Well spotted. What is your point though? To me, the fact he said something that many feel warrants a breakup or shooting or told to jump off a cliff means something. I would absolutely dump a guy if he made our relationship conditional on my appearance or weight. Remember classic Barney with his contract to Robin which was pages and pages long and one of the first things was “must not gain a pound”. Sure, you’re well within your reason to go making demands, but it doesn’t mean the person is not allowed to be offended or upset and dump you. OP states that she is aware that she has gained weight and is self conscious about it and worried about what her partner thinks.

 

I wouldn’t be surprised if the boyfriend was overweight and OP is already slim. Skinny does not equal healthy. Overweight does not equal unhealthy.

Edited June 21, 2018 by smiley1

[Tristian]

Looks like things went a little off track here.

 

 

Before I clean it up I'll remind everyone that this thread is about one person seeking advice on how to respond to to some remarks made by her boyfriend.

 

 

It is not a debate on physical fitness or general discussion on our personal preferences when it comes to body types.

[Casio167]

This is a dumping offence.

Seriously, what happens if things are serious down the line, you get sick, put on weight, you get pregnant, but on weight. People gain weight and lose weight in life for many different reasons. You do not need someone commenting on it like that. If someone said that to me I would walk, hands down.

[amaysngrace]

Forget the weight for a second and think what will he be like if you, heaven forbid, develop an illness that there is limited cure for.

 

Then what?

[stillafool]

I appreciate his honesty, it would be great if he had more tact but I know that's something he's working on.

 

He is big on communication and now that I think of it I think I'm the one who opened the floor to talk about my weight. Ive mentioned to him on multiple occasions how fat I was getting.

 

Last week I sent him a pic of my belly and butt and told him I was gaining weight.

 

So after all of this maybe it's hypocritical of me to feel upser.

 

 

As you can see the boyfriend was not the one to bring up the weight gain it was OP. She is also the one who pointed out her belly and butt weight to him. Maybe people shouldn't ask questions they don't want the answer to. It isn't fair to ask a person to lie. If women don't want their weight addressed it would be a good idea not to mention it.

 

 

Let's also be clear that this guy is making no mention of healthy weight. He wants her to be "skinny". There's a huge difference between wanting a person to be healthy and wanting them to be skinny.

 

I didn't read anywhere on this thread where he said he wanted OP to be skinny.

 

I saw a commercial the other day from Capital One credit card where the woman was actually poking fun at the man's weight as he was standing by the fridge with the door open. I guess this is okay but if it had been the other way around where the man is poking fun at her weight in front of the fridge all hell would have broken lose.

Edited June 23, 2018 by stillafool

[heavenonearth]

As you can see the boyfriend was not the one to bring up the weight gain it was OP. She is also the one who pointed out her belly and butt weight to him. Maybe people shouldn't ask questions they don't want the answer to. It isn't fair to ask a person to lie. If women don't want their weight addressed it would be a good idea not to mention it.

 

 

 

 

I didn't read anywhere on this thread where he said he wanted OP to be skinny.

 

I saw a commercial the other day from Capital One credit card where the woman was actually poking fun at the man's weight as he was standing by the fridge with the door open. I guess this is okay but if it had been the other way around where the man is poking fun at her weight in front of the fridge all hell would have broken lose.

 

Obviously everybody has different sensitivities, as this thread clearly shows.

OP was offended enough to seek advice.

Many others on here also stated they would have felt offended enough to justify ending the relationship, were they in OPs shoes.

 

This is not a debate on gender norms or biases.

 

This is about a particular individual who decided to demand his partner to lose weight to fit his standards and did so in the most cruel and insensitive way possible.

 

It is clear that OP and her partner differ greatly in their sensitivities, which indicates some sort of incompatiblity.

 

On top of that, as i mentioned before, i fear his commentary may be the beginning of emotionally abusive behavior that could get worse with time.

 

I would be very cautious here if i were OP.

 

I doubt these two will be happy in the long run.

Love is not supposed to be like this.

[JuneL]

OP: As I said before, the manner in which your bf expressed his opinion about your weight was very rude and very insensitive. That said, I was wondering what your intention was when you sent him those pics. Did you just want him to assure you that you’re attractive and that you’re not overweight? Or were you dissatisfied about your weight and wanted to lose some?

[kendahke]

"Boyfriend told me I should lose weight. How should I respond?"

 

Respond by losing weight. Duh.

 

Boyfriend, not husband.

 

Dump him.

 

After the weight is lost, it'll be something else he wants her to change. Then she changes so much and loses so much weight that guys are starting to hit on her and then his lip will be stuck out about that, blaming her for being too cute and sexy when he insisted on her getting cute and sexy.

 

This reeks of control issues on his part.

[kendahke]

Well he might have used the word skinny but I think the same way he does and to me "skinny" = "thin" = "healthy weight"

 

However, "skinny" can also = "thin" = "anorexia" and people die from that.

[Veronica73]

Wow how times have changed...

 

As a guy who was married for close to 20 years, my ex-wife's weight went up and down all the time. I didn't care one bit. I loved her for who she was. I could not fathom telling any woman "I don't want you to get sick and fat". I couldn't live with myself planting that seed in my girls mind that she is not living up to something I want her to be. F*ck that. It's selfish.

 

The only time I would ever mention anything about weight is if in fact it was a medical issue that needed to be addressed immediately for her well being. Not because I cared what she looked like.

 

And to the dudes using health as an excuse to get any woman to lose weight so she lives up to how she makes you feel. Go choke yourselves... you've got some major, major growing up to do regardless of your age...

 

The above x 1000. People are so effing shallow (and thinking they are entitled to be making demands on other people’s bodies for their own satisfaction.) And it’s not a man vs. woman thing. It’s about respecting valuing people for who they are. I don’t understand it.

 

But as to the OP, if it is bothering you, then TALK to him about it. Don’t text. Don’t be passive aggressive.

[coolheadal]

Tonight

 

I was in my shorts which I wear because my bf likes them, I like them too. My legs are crossed, I'm hugging him and he says.

 

Look, you see this. He points at my thigh which is slightly cellulite ish. I'm not overweight but I've gained weight. (You need to lose weight 15 pounds,) I don't want my woman to be sick and fat. I want her to be skinny.

 

I just nod because I agree too that I need to lose weight.

 

He has this thing where he's trying to be healthy and lose weight. He comes from a different culture where they are more outspoken. He's all about putting healthy things in his body erc... He's worried about health and being in good health.

 

It sounded rude what he said but his tone wasn't rude. I feel that I can talk about his weight etc but I take him as he is.

 

Should I

 

1. Send him a text about this and how I feel.

2. Talk to him in person about this

3. Be passive aggressive and stop wearing things that reveal my legs/ stop eating around him

4. Ignore him and lose weight in my own time

 

He tells me that if he says or does anything hurtful to talk to him. Communication is important to him.

 

I think I will do number 1.

 

He sounds like a jerk but he takes care of me in all ways. I never been with a man like this before. I love being with him. People says he can come off rude but he's just having a hard time with the cultural differences. He says he needs help with this. He's really not a bad man.

 

What I don't get my dear is why are you settling with this sort of guy! He told you what he wanted and your just now trying to figure out what to do. "HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE INSIDE AND OUT! Are you two in love or just in the like you, like you mode. Because it clearly reads you two are not right for each other. He's alpha, he's rude, verbal abusive with calling you names yet still if you okay with it but I see your not. Then you need to tell him this is me you don't like me then I am out! Just don't settle for anyone that not comfortable with your weight. You will never be happy yourself if you let anyone tell you how to control your body. It's up to you to loose the weight but do it for you and not for him. Guys, men, boyfriends comes and goes. Like you said you never had a guy like this before, yeah but you do now and what do you do? You let him get away from it. Do not text talk to him in person and tell him directly with eye to eye contact. Do fooling around!