stillafool Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 I'm curious, what is the proper way to tell a woman she needs to lose weight? Or are you supposed to keep your mouth shut and ghost her? Because if a person isn't attracted to extra weight and can't say anything about it eventually they will get so turned off they won't want to be with them anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StartingOver77 Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 You shouldn't have to deal with his directness because his directness is a tool to lower your self-esteem. No one needs that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 You shouldn't have to deal with his directness because his directness is a tool to lower your self-esteem. No one needs that. So he should just suck it up and let her continue to gain weight until he can't stand it any longer and leaves? Link to post Share on other sites
StartingOver77 Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 (edited) I'm curious, what is the proper way to tell a woman she needs to lose weight? Or are you supposed to keep your mouth shut and ghost her? So he should just suck it up and let her continue to gain weight until he can't stand it any longer and leaves? No, if you can't accept her for her then you leave her. It's that simple. If she isn't interested or has time to fit your idea of her then that says a lot about you.....you just aren't that into her in the first place. Folks get into relationships without realizing it takes work. That also includes accepting the other person for who they are. In addition, it includes the fact you may grow apart for whatever reason. You either deal or cut-bait, especially if you aren't married or have kids. Why stick it out in an unhealthy relationship? When someone can't accept someone for who they are, especially when a little weight gain is inevitable as we all get older, then it's time to find someone else if that bothers you. Life is too short and their are billions of fish in the sea. Weight gain is a difficult thing for most women to cope with, they don't need their guy pointing in out to them. EVER. Men should know better by now but I see I have brothers out there still ignorant to this. Never take your woman for granted. Edited June 20, 2018 by StartingOver77 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 No, if you can't accept her for her then you leave her. It's that simple. You said no when I actually said the same thing. I asked so if he isn't happy he should just leave; but never, ever say anything that might hurt her feelings. Interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 But in other threads, you were upset that your ex-bf was complaining that you were fat when you started to wear size 4, and that you didn’t wear makeup as often and dress as nicely later in the relationship. I think OP’s bf could have conveyed the same message without being rude. He could have said something more helpful like “I know you’ve been bothered by your weight lately. What can I do to help you lose the weight you don’t want?” Well pointing out something to your partner (presuming you trust each other) it’s hardly abusive. I always tell my BF to tell me if he sees something concerning or unflattering- i *prefer* to hear it from someone I trust rather than to be in the mouth of strangers with less than good intentions... If it was something that she can’t change - she could just explain it to him, no big deal. But women are conditioned to hear only compliments, why is that? Complete weakness of our gender? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 20, 2018 Author Share Posted June 20, 2018 Him having a preference is one thing, but his wording was obnoxious. The only excuse I can come up with is that English is his second language. And if there's one thing I dislike, it's being given unsolicited advice starting with "you need to.." or "you should...." He's still working on tone and his vocabulary is a bit limited. I kind of feel bad for him because he says he doesn't have the intention of being rude. He's trying to learn to be more American in his speech. Im working with him. He's not a bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ItsAllConfusing Posted June 20, 2018 Author Share Posted June 20, 2018 Him having a preference is one thing, but his wording was obnoxious. The only excuse I can come up with is that English is his second language. And if there's one thing I dislike, it's being given unsolicited advice starting with "you need to.." or "you should...." He's still working on tone and his vocabulary is a bit limited. I kind of feel bad for him because he says he doesn't have the intention of being rude. He's trying to learn to be more American in his speech. Im working with him. He's not a bad guy. Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 No, if you can't accept her for her then you leave her. It's that simple. If she isn't interested or has time to fit your idea of her then that says a lot about you.....you just aren't that into her in the first place. Folks get into relationships without realizing it takes work. That also includes accepting the other person for who they are. In addition, it includes the fact you may grow apart for whatever reason. You either deal or cut-bait, especially if you aren't married or have kids. Why stick it out in an unhealthy relationship? When someone can't accept someone for who they are, especially when a little weight gain is inevitable as we all get older, then it's time to find someone else if that bothers you. Life is too short and their are billions of fish in the sea. Weight gain is a difficult thing for most women to cope with, they don't need their guy pointing in out to them. EVER. Men should know better by now but I see I have brothers out there still ignorant to this. Never take your woman for granted. Is this true for all potential issues? Gambling problem, drinking issues, sloppy dressing, money management, standards for cleaning/tidiness? Maybe you where into them in the first place, but they started to change during the course of the relationship. A couple of month ago we had a thread with a husband whom asked how he should address this issue with his wife of some 20 years - should he also just bail? Sure it’s a touchy subject - but overweight, and especially obesity is a risk factor that tends to creep up on us. And it is harder to lose weight than to not gain it in the first place... Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Someone's weight changing isn't necessarily something you should blindly accept. Your body is a reflection of how you treat it. That is as much a part of 'who you are' as anything else. If a partner becomes bad tempered, you should be able to take steps to address it. If a partner stops spending enough time with you, you should be able to take steps to address it. If a partner is unemployed and makes no effort to get a job, you should be able to voice your concerns. Weight is as much a personal choice as any of those, no matter how much people would like to believe it's outside of their control. It's not sacrosanct. A relationships works because you address problems (and there always will be problems), not ignore them or walk away from them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 But criticizing harshly in itself may not be productive. I have a good friend who has been obese pretty much her whole adult life. Do you think that she’s not aware of it and that she doesn’t want to be pretty and healthy? So I’ve been trying to help by exchanging our food logs daily (by making her aware of what she eats exactly and making her accountable for her food choice) for a few weeks and it’s showing results; I also gave her pointers whenever I saw areas she could do a little better. I have to see things from her perspectives, namely, it’s much harder for someone with her eating habits to curb the temptations. Is this true for all potential issues? Gambling problem, drinking issues, sloppy dressing, money management, standards for cleaning/tidiness? Maybe you where into them in the first place, but they started to change during the course of the relationship. A couple of month ago we had a thread with a husband whom asked how he should address this issue with his wife of some 20 years - should he also just bail? Sure it’s a touchy subject - but overweight, and especially obesity is a risk factor that tends to creep up on us. And it is harder to lose weight than to not gain it in the first place... Link to post Share on other sites
RideTheLightening Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 I appreciate his honesty, it would be great if he had more tact but I know that's something he's working on. He is big on communication and now that I think of it I think I'm the one who opened the floor to talk about my weight. Ive mentioned to him on multiple occasions how fat I was getting. Last week I sent him a pic of my belly and butt and told him I was gaining weight. So after all of this maybe it's hypocritical of me to feel upser. I don't suggest that you do this stuff. This is the kind of thing you talk about with your best friends, not your BF. You really don't want to put into his head how unattractive you are getting. This is why he reacted the way he did. It's very likely that had you not sent him pictures complaining about this... he may not have specifically noticed. He would just have a general feeling that you are less attractive than before. When you start complaining to him about it, that gives him the feeling that you want him to help you change... which means providing input and motivation. I think your major takeaway from this should be that some topics of discussion should not be brought up with husbands and boyfriends. This is the same concept of talking to men while you are taking a crap. Some women see this as a sign of intimacy. It's not the right kind of intimacy though. You should maintain a sense of mystery where possible in a relationship. Sorry to ramble... hope this helps. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 It seems you think this was banter in the way that two people who are very comfortable with each other are throwing back and forth words. No. It is evident this was not meant this way, and this guy is aware of what he is doing. He knows he can get away with wording things this way. I suspect this was NOT the first time he is putting her down this way. Yep, exactly the bolded is what I though. Why do you suspect it's not that? Was there more posting that suggested it? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Yeah, if your girl has bad breath don't say anything, just walk away and ghost. Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Yes, and I'll tell you why I was upset: because I didn't think I had a problem with weight/makeup/dressing style, and I thought it was just him trying to make up a reason to explain why he didn't like me If she doesn't think her weight is an issue- I told her just to tell him that and leave it there. But OP herself put it in his face she's gaining weight (and sent him confirmation pictures LOL, he may not even have noticed it otherwise...). I agree your wording is much better - his is pretty much young guy's talk... But in other threads, you were upset that your ex-bf was complaining that you were fat when you started to wear size 4, and that you didn’t wear makeup as often and dress as nicely later in the relationship. I think OP’s bf could have conveyed the same message without being rude. He could have said something more helpful like “I know you’ve been bothered by your weight lately. What can I do to help you lose the weight you don’t want?” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
fredflint Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Sure he could have been more tactful but at least he's telling you what he needs in the relationship. That is much better than having someone who's just building resentment and falling out of love with you. Better to fail fast than fail slowly. I'd much rather have a partner who told it like it is, than someone who failed to communicate their needs. You can waste years with someone in the latter category. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 If my BF said that to me...I would send him a photo of a cliff and to tell him to go jump off it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Only-yours Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Tonight I was in my shorts which I wear because my bf likes them, I like them too. My legs are crossed, I'm hugging him and he says. Look, you see this. He points at my thigh which is slightly cellulite ish. I'm not overweight but I've gained weight. (You need to lose weight 15 pounds,) I don't want my woman to be sick and fat. I want her to be skinny. I just nod because I agree too that I need to lose weight. He has this thing where he's trying to be healthy and lose weight. He comes from a different culture where they are more outspoken. He's all about putting healthy things in his body erc... He's worried about health and being in good health. It sounded rude what he said but his tone wasn't rude. I feel that I can talk about his weight etc but I take him as he is. Should I 1. Send him a text about this and how I feel. 2. Talk to him in person about this 3. Be passive aggressive and stop wearing things that reveal my legs/ stop eating around him 4. Ignore him and lose weight in my own time He tells me that if he says or does anything hurtful to talk to him. Communication is important to him. I think I will do number 1. He sounds like a jerk but he takes care of me in all ways. I never been with a man like this before. I love being with him. People says he can come off rude but he's just having a hard time with the cultural differences. He says he needs help with this. He's really not a bad man. He actually cares about you. Perhaps he wants you to look attractive. Personally speaking, If I had a GF, I would also want her to be in good shape and health. We men love to care about women, and we want women to care about their health and looks. I really don't know why would women take such things so seriously instead of focusing on their health and looks. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
frigginlost Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Wow how times have changed... As a guy who was married for close to 20 years, my ex-wife's weight went up and down all the time. I didn't care one bit. I loved her for who she was. I could not fathom telling any woman "I don't want you to get sick and fat". I couldn't live with myself planting that seed in my girls mind that she is not living up to something I want her to be. F*ck that. It's selfish. The only time I would ever mention anything about weight is if in fact it was a medical issue that needed to be addressed immediately for her well being. Not because I cared what she looked like. And to the dudes using health as an excuse to get any woman to lose weight so she lives up to how she makes you feel. Go choke yourselves... you've got some major, major growing up to do regardless of your age... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
heavenonearth Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 OP, while we're at it, I know this is a touchy subject and an insensitive thing to ask, but since this is an anonymous forum on the internet, would you like to share how much you weight and what your height is? I mean, are your boyfriend's demand and your insecurity really warranted? That being said, I really think the diverse responses in this thread show call for a more in-depth description of this guy and your relationship. How long have you been together? How old are you both? What is his background? Is this guy really good for you? I have my doubts... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DrReplyInRhymes Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 (edited) If my BF said that to me...I would send him a photo of a cliff and to tell him to go jump off it. Pretty much this. If he wanted you to workout, he could have done so with tact, For instance, inviting you to the gym and supporting you back, Next time he points to your legs and says something like that, Tell him to last longer in bed so you can get a workout in the sack. LOL Edited June 20, 2018 by DrReplyInRhymes 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 You stated that English was his second language, so I think we need to take that into consideration. I think he is trying to send you a message, but did not chose the right words, because of his limited English vocabulary. I think he was trying to say this is a "yellow flag" for him. At this point your weight/appearance is an issue with him but not a "deal breaker", yet. Certain men prefer certain body types. Personally, I prefer a woman with a little "meat on the bones", but that is my preference. Your significant other prefers a "leaner" woman. He is telling you this before it becomes unacceptable to him and he leaves you. It sounds like he doesn't want to leave you, but would like you to be the person/size he was originally attracted to. At this point, "the ball in your court"; lose the weight and keep him or find someone that prefers "curvy" women. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Yeah it might be better to just find someone who likes women with more weight as a lot of guys do these days. I see this issue popping up again and causing you more hurt feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 Tonight I was in my shorts which I wear because my bf likes them, I like them too. My legs are crossed, I'm hugging him and he says. Look, you see this. He points at my thigh which is slightly cellulite ish. I'm not overweight but I've gained weight. (You need to lose weight 15 pounds,) I don't want my woman to be sick and fat. I want her to be skinny. I just nod because I agree too that I need to lose weight. He has this thing where he's trying to be healthy and lose weight. He comes from a different culture where they are more outspoken. He's all about putting healthy things in his body erc... He's worried about health and being in good health. It sounded rude what he said but his tone wasn't rude. I feel that I can talk about his weight etc but I take him as he is. Should I 1. Send him a text about this and how I feel. 2. Talk to him in person about this 3. Be passive aggressive and stop wearing things that reveal my legs/ stop eating around him 4. Ignore him and lose weight in my own time He tells me that if he says or does anything hurtful to talk to him. Communication is important to him. I think I will do number 1. He sounds like a jerk but he takes care of me in all ways. I never been with a man like this before. I love being with him. People says he can come off rude but he's just having a hard time with the cultural differences. He says he needs help with this. He's really not a bad man. I think you should speak to him in person and not hide behind a text so that he can take time to twist this around on you. No, he said something rude to you and if it bothers you that much, you need to speak up and say something. Does he not know that there are women who are skinny and sick? What does he think anorexia is? You need to weigh if this is the hill to die on, since it seems you're bent on staying with someone who speaks to you like this. What is he going to say once you're pregnant? Is he going to put you on a starvation diet for 9 months? This isn't going to be the last time you hear this drivel out of him because you don't seem to have the confidence to check him in the moment when he says this mess to you. You're going to have to develop some emotional place within that you can retreat into when he comes at you with this if you insist upon staying with him because this isn't a one-off, isolated incident. This is the beginning of a long, long road of being belittled, which is the cost of him taking care of you and "taking care" of you. What he needs help with is basic tact and by now, he should have learned that somewhere along the way. It's a bit late and it's not a cute look. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 20, 2018 Share Posted June 20, 2018 You can't just agree to always be thin for him. You need to make sure he understands that as women age and also after they have kids, they are going to put on weight. It's just the way it is. And God forbid you would injure yourself some way where it's hard to exercise, you will also gain weight. So what you can't do is be with a man who has zero tolerance for anything except skinny, because if you do that, all you are doing is giving him the best years of your life only to have him leave you when you're 35 or after you have babies for someone who is skinny because he's that shallow. So your main concern is to find out if he CAN love someone as they age or not, or after they have a mom belly. Then plan accordingly. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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