I caught feelings while flirting and it ruined everything

[LindseyKelk]

Are you seriously still playing games like this?

 

He invited you to an event.

He told you that he would have wanted to go to the party with you.

He told you that he would want more if your boyfriend were not in the picture.

He likes you, he wants you.

But you are toying with him.

Dear JDJ, I am sorry for this rant... I am also not the person who toys with people emotions, at least not intentionally.

 

You see, everytime I think I finally understand him, he does something weird (like leaving me on read and not replying). It would be fine if we were nothing but friends before, although I’d still probably wonder why they can’t answer when I’m asking about the event that they are inviting me to. I like him, and I hate that I don’t know how he feels about me, or if he even thinks about it.

[Versacehottie]

Oh dear Versacehottie, I thought so, too. This is what happens when you try to repress your feelings they come back, and stronger.

 

Especially now that I realize it will not be the same, and that he is acting weird towards me. He invites me somewhere, then leaves me on read and ignores my question. I am kind of afraid I wil not be able to go to the events with them anymore. He is the boss, and he can make you feel it if you’re not wanted....

 

ok, so yeah it felt like you were trying to skirt the issue in your previous posts (on other thread). I would say that as you've described it on this site and probably toward him, i take YOUR behavior just as vague and not decisive as his is also. Same same. I think that has worked for both of you in the past. And while he may not have any devious motives, he also may have not thought or wanted past harmless flirting.

 

On one hand as a much older guy, he may not think of himself as particularly attractive to someone like you so he could actually be a little fearful of REALLY putting himself out there. I do feel though, as stereotypes go, he probably is enjoying the flirting but realistic enough as an older GUY to see that the age difference is too much/different stages of life AND that there is too much to risk to take up with you, as a friend of your parents. He's not just some random older guy--he is your parents' friend so he really is almost crossing a line with the flirting. You seem a bit impressionable and he probably is experienced enough to know that this in and of itself is dangerous & likely to backfire on him. Impressionable & crushing could mean you will also be fickle and dramatic--a HUGE risk for him.

 

You have analyzed one thing very well: that repressing feelings usually has them come back stronger. I would also add that "investing" of any sort will have your brain desiring to see an outcome. So in a way, it is less about him than you think it is but a natural human reaction to want to see the outcome of your efforts. The solution: REDIRECT YOUR EFFORTS. I really think this will work & if you make a conscious effort to stop wondering about him and focus on your life (career/friends/dates) that the gnawing in your brain will be replaced by new thoughts. Try it

[stillafool]

Lindsey you must have an old soul because when I was your age I couldn't slow down for an old guy or even hanging out with my parents. I was out having fun with my own friends. Do you have many friends that are your age and do you hang with them?

[LindseyKelk]

And while he may not have any devious motives, he also may have not thought or wanted past harmless flirting.

 

You seem a bit impressionable and he probably is experienced enough to know that this in and of itself is dangerous & likely to backfire on him. Impressionable & crushing could mean you will also be fickle and dramatic--a HUGE risk for him

 

That’s what I thought, too. That it was just harmless flirting. However, I don’t know about other people, but to me all the things that he was telling me do not seem as such a “harmless flirting” anymore. Telling someone they are beautiful and stuff, sure... that’s being nice AND flirty. Saying things like “I thought I could stop writing to you, but I can’t.... and you shouldn’t know that I can’t” seems more personal, at least to me. I am not a big fan of these games actually, and I’d be much happier if a person just told me how they feel. Or at least don’t act all interested when they are not. It’s quite mean.

[Versacehottie]

That’s what I thought, too. That it was just harmless flirting. However, I don’t know about other people, but to me all the things that he was telling me do not seem as such a “harmless flirting” anymore. Telling someone they are beautiful and stuff, sure... that’s being nice AND flirty. Saying things like “I thought I could stop writing to you, but I can’t.... and you shouldn’t know that I can’t” seems more personal, at least to me. I am not a big fan of these games actually, and I’d be much happier if a person just told me how they feel. Or at least don’t act all interested when they are not. It’s quite mean.

 

But his brain is doing a version of what yours is doing....looking for some resolution or outcome of all the flirting. It isn't mean--it's a natural human response to emotional investment. Arguing the specifics of how he flirted is pointless. You both have different perspectives in this flirting game and influences. One person's too much is another's not so much. You were each trying to cause a response in the other. Ante'ing up as one might say. Raising the stakes to cause a response when the responses were inconsistent. That's what happens. To be fair, you acted all interested when your rational brain was telling itself you had no plans to do anything with it. How is that different? That was just a week ago also. And it was transparent to lots of us reading that thread that it wasn't harmless flirting on your end--although to you that was your intention. Probably same thing happened with him.

 

Listen, if I were to guess, you feel like you have an insatiable need to "just get this out there, confront him, confess feelings" etc. Bad idea. Exactly the type of emotion, drama and fickleness one might expect from a girl 20 years younger than him--and exactly what he is likely worried about. I doubt it will change anything. And just because these feelings are welling up inside of you, doesn't mean it's a good idea to go explode them all over someone else. You need to learn how to manage and control your own emotions. To be 100% fair, I might easily say that toying with this old man's emotions when the reality is that if you actually started something serious that YOU would likely be the one to change your mind is mean/cruel. This is his life as much as yours. If he decides not to move forward, that's his choice.

[Versacehottie]

That’s what I thought, too. That it was just harmless flirting. However, I don’t know about other people, but to me all the things that he was telling me do not seem as such a “harmless flirting” anymore. Telling someone they are beautiful and stuff, sure... that’s being nice AND flirty. Saying things like “I thought I could stop writing to you, but I can’t.... and you shouldn’t know that I can’t” seems more personal, at least to me. I am not a big fan of these games actually, and I’d be much happier if a person just told me how they feel. Or at least don’t act all interested when they are not. It’s quite mean.

 

Oh regarding games... you both have been playing them. I don't see how demanding someone tell you where they stand is helping. Basically you can decide what happens here to YOU. You don't like guys who play games and feel like this guy is one of those, don't stay interested. In fact, that's precisely what you should do based on your own assessment of his actions. I would venture to say he has said dramatic type things toward you because:

 

1) you are impressionable

2) you said dramatic things to him; he responded in kind (your posts here have been a bit dramatic in all fairness; some people have a "tone". If you are smart, savvy people speak to others in a tone that they believe they will be responsive to--which i realize i am perhaps failing miserably at in the rational tone of my message back to you lol)

3) it has been working to reel you some more

4) for this sort of age gap, i would imagine things have to have an it's us against the world or there's an irresistible pull toward you or it wouldn't work to bridge the REAL distance and make a person take a leap

[JDJ]

Dear JDJ, I am sorry for this rant... I am also not the person who toys with people emotions, at least not intentionally.

 

You see, everytime I think I finally understand him, he does something weird (like leaving me on read and not replying). It would be fine if we were nothing but friends before, although I’d still probably wonder why they can’t answer when I’m asking about the event that they are inviting me to. I like him, and I hate that I don’t know how he feels about me, or if he even thinks about it.

 

This is still disingenuous on your part. He 100% likes you and thinks about you. What you don't know is what he is going to DO about it, or what you will DO about it. You are using these questions as a way of putting off a decision. But you need to decide what you will do. I don't think there is a right or wrong decision in this case, although pursuing him and seeking out a relationship with him would certainly be riskier here.

[LindseyKelk]

But his brain is doing a version of what yours is doing....looking for some resolution or outcome of all the flirting. It isn't mean--it's a natural human response to emotional investment. Arguing the specifics of how he flirted is pointless. You both have different perspectives in this flirting game and influences. One person's too much is another's not so much. You were each trying to cause a response in the other. Ante'ing up as one might say. Raising the stakes to cause a response when the responses were inconsistent. That's what happens. To be fair, you acted all interested when your rational brain was telling itself you had no plans to do anything with it. How is that different? That was just a week ago also. And it was transparent to lots of us reading that thread that it wasn't harmless flirting on your end--although to you that was your intention. Probably same thing happened with him.

 

Listen, if I were to guess, you feel like you have an insatiable need to "just get this out there, confront him, confess feelings" etc. Bad idea. Exactly the type of emotion, drama and fickleness one might expect from a girl 20 years younger than him--and exactly what he is likely worried about. I doubt it will change anything. And just because these feelings are welling up inside of you, doesn't mean it's a good idea to go explode them all over someone else. You need to learn how to manage and control your own emotions. To be 100% fair, I might easily say that toying with this old man's emotions when the reality is that if you actually started something serious that YOU would likely be the one to change your mind is mean/cruel. This is his life as much as yours. If he decides not to move forward, that's his choice.

I was never really the “dramatic/spill your guts/confess feelings” type of person. It was also never my intention to do that to him, for a number of reasons... 1) I am sure he would not feel the same, and it is unfair to put any person in that position where they have to reject you because you caught feelings 2) I generally don’t tell people about my feelings, I am friendly but I keep my heart in check and 3) if I knew he indeed liked me back, nothing could be done, and it would make me feel worse to not be able to do anything

 

I just don’t care for drama. He wrote again today, praising an article I wrote... He was his usual “flirty” self, all compliments, and I responded in the usual way. It’s always like

him: Ive seen your work, it’s great

me: are you saying that if all else fails I could get a job in some ****ty newspapers?... thank you though, happy to hear you liked it

him: you could. and they’d go from ****ty to the best if they had you..... you’re happy? I’m happy that you’ve got time to talk

me: ok listen.... just out of curiosity... how are you doing?

him: blah blah something about me being beautiful and being happy because we talk

me: you’ve got nothing to do huh? long nights ahead so you’re writing again

him: actually no I’m extremely busy......

 

and something unimportant... but honestly this is what irritates me the most..... why can’t he just talk to me like a normal person?? I get frustrated after the second “beautiful” and just kinda get sarcastic....

 

he can talk to other people normally, but with me he either seems nervous or tries too much... or so it feels. If he doesn’t like me it’s okay, my world won’t fall apart, but I just want to know how to talk to him. A regular friend whose feelings I know I can’t hurt or like someone who likes me and I should be more careful and caring.... ugh

[Versacehottie]

I was never really the “dramatic/spill your guts/confess feelings” type of person. It was also never my intention to do that to him, for a number of reasons... 1) I am sure he would not feel the same, and it is unfair to put any person in that position where they have to reject you because you caught feelings 2) I generally don’t tell people about my feelings, I am friendly but I keep my heart in check and 3) if I knew he indeed liked me back, nothing could be done, and it would make me feel worse to not be able to do anything

 

I just don’t care for drama. He wrote again today, praising an article I wrote... He was his usual “flirty” self, all compliments, and I responded in the usual way. It’s always like

him: Ive seen your work, it’s great

me: are you saying that if all else fails I could get a job in some ****ty newspapers?... thank you though, happy to hear you liked it

him: you could. and they’d go from ****ty to the best if they had you..... you’re happy? I’m happy that you’ve got time to talk

me: ok listen.... just out of curiosity... how are you doing?

him: blah blah something about me being beautiful and being happy because we talk

me: you’ve got nothing to do huh? long nights ahead so you’re writing again

him: actually no I’m extremely busy......

 

and something unimportant... but honestly this is what irritates me the most..... why can’t he just talk to me like a normal person?? I get frustrated after the second “beautiful” and just kinda get sarcastic....

 

he can talk to other people normally, but with me he either seems nervous or tries too much... or so it feels. If he doesn’t like me it’s okay, my world won’t fall apart, but I just want to know how to talk to him. A regular friend whose feelings I know I can’t hurt or like someone who likes me and I should be more careful and caring.... ugh

 

Why are you torturing yourself with this then may i ask? Because it sure feels overly dramatic....at least what you have churning inside of you. As well as the dialogue back and forth with him which may convey this over-the-top, once-in-a-lifetimeness based on what you have said before (i believe you--though i think at some point it came from both of you). In the convo above he is simply complimenting you--sure maybe based on past flirting. I commend you for just being matter of fact if that's what you want from him. But if that's what you want, why all the melancholy afterward? Take what he said with a grain of salt. Some guy said i was beautiful, etc at the gas station this am, no big deal and not reading much into it (lol, i know it's not a comparable situation but hopefully it illustrates that you take the compliment and keep moving on, not believe someone is pining for you or that some action need be taken; if you really feel you want to take action than you give a little too and see where it goes; if it goes nowhere, it's simple flirting, admiration, who knows).

 

To me, your past conversations with him have laid this groundwork (both of you are responsible). So it's simple, if you want it to stop, stop engaging in it. Especially if you would like it to go somewhere but know it never will. Then stop. It's not much more complicated than that. You don't need to respond to his messages. And certainly don't initiate any. If you see him at parties, be cordial and friendly. Not that hard. I think you can save yourself a lot of pain if you just accept it and move forward. You are making yourself stuck.

 

He might be an old, bored man who is enjoying and flattered by the conversation and interaction with you. He also might feel a bit obligated to talk to you based on family friendship. There is NO reason you are leaving "this" all in his hands. You have ultimate control AND RESPONSIBILITY with how you deal with your life. This is torturous so don't engage. Little pain upfront to avoid adding more pain. I hardly think it's pain anyway to avoid something that CAUSES you pain. Good luck

[Lotsgoingon]

You have a problem here ... and a huge opportunity.

 

Right now your post reads like: I sometimes think I want him ... but I don't know that he wants me ... But sometimes it seems he wants me ... but I don't know if I want him ... and I didn't really want him ... but now I feel strong about him ... but I don't know know how he feels about me.

 

You have probably not only confused him ... You have thoroughly confused yourself. Which is not surprising if you are flirting with everyone.

 

Flirting with everyone can be all right ... if you are highly self-aware and super clear to others when the flirting isn't real. But if you're not highly self-aware and highly tuned into the feelings of others (noticing quickly when someone takes your flirting the wrong way) you will confuse yourself as you report here.

 

In other words, you flirt so much and the you are surprised that one of your flirtations actually led to powerful feelings ... Well welcome to flirting!

 

You need to decide what you want ... and forget about hiding and playing it safe. ... You have to indicate "I'm interested in you" ... "or not interested in you." Indeed your flirting might be a way of hiding.

 

And yes, sometimes we get interested in others and they don't share that interest. So what?! ... You'll survive. That's living.

 

You'll make yourself a lot easier ... and your dating life clear if you deliberately flirt, selectively flirt. And when you selectively flirt with people you are REALLY interested in, you can keep up with your feelings. ... If you flirt with everyone, you're only confusing yourself and others!

[Versacehottie]

You have a problem here ... and a huge opportunity.

 

Right now your post reads like: I sometimes think I want him ... but I don't know that he wants me ... But sometimes it seems he wants me ... but I don't know if I want him ... and I didn't really want him ... but now I feel strong about him ... but I don't know know how he feels about me.

 

 

I soooooo agree with you lotsgoingon that this ^^^^ is what has gone on. Doubt the guy is doing it out of the blue or it would just feel creepy to OP. As well it would feel creepy if it was no longer welcome.

 

Flirting is fun. No one can tell you what his true intentions are/were (but maybe him). All you can do is control yourself and decide if you want to keep doing it. If it's no longer fun and it's not going to be taken to next level, that's usually the sign to stop. Oh and if it is being misread by the other person or caused you to have feelings you don't feel like having.

[LindseyKelk]

You have a problem here ... and a huge opportunity.

 

Right now your post reads like: I sometimes think I want him ... but I don't know that he wants me ... But sometimes it seems he wants me ... but I don't know if I want him ... and I didn't really want him ... but now I feel strong about him ... but I don't know know how he feels about me.

 

You have probably not only confused him ... You have thoroughly confused yourself. Which is not surprising if you are flirting with everyone.

 

Flirting with everyone can be all right ... if you are highly self-aware and super clear to others when the flirting isn't real. But if you're not highly self-aware and highly tuned into the feelings of others (noticing quickly when someone takes your flirting the wrong way) you will confuse yourself as you report here.

 

In other words, you flirt so much and the you are surprised that one of your flirtations actually led to powerful feelings ... Well welcome to flirting!

 

You need to decide what you want ... and forget about hiding and playing it safe. ... You have to indicate "I'm interested in you" ... "or not interested in you." Indeed your flirting might be a way of hiding.

 

And yes, sometimes we get interested in others and they don't share that interest. So what?! ... You'll survive. That's living.

 

You'll make yourself a lot easier ... and your dating life clear if you deliberately flirt, selectively flirt. And when you selectively flirt with people you are REALLY interested in, you can keep up with your feelings. ... If you flirt with everyone, you're only confusing yourself and others!

thank you Lotsgoingon, I see how I come off as completely confusing lol. and you both are quite right, though.... After a few months of being in this confused state, I decided to just accept it and move on because I was done with now knowing. He also made it easier when he stopped writing to me after meeting my friend. It lasted 4 months, and I rarely thought of him. I thought fine, if he wanted to talk to me he would have. Based on what happened previously, I concluded that he was only flirting and maybe wanted someone to talk to. Enough time has passed for him to also be clearer, so I let it be.

 

As was said before, I did not want to say anything because I did not want to be dramatic. I just moved on. Whenever there was a chance to see each other, I did not even cross my mind to go, instead I’d go do something else with other people.

 

It was only recently it all came back to me. I do miss talking to the guy. Maybe I just want to know what his intentions were based on all of that. I think anybody would. If he liked me, ok at least I wasn’t completely crazy to think that; if he never did, then fine, I have to realize people have different meanings of “being nice” and “friendly”. It also bothers me that it was all for fun, he will just look at me and go ah silly girl. In which case, I would not longer see him as a decent person. I guess I can’t make up my mind about what kind of person he is after all.

[DKT3]

There isn’t one. my ex and I broke up almost 2 years ago and I’ve been single since then...

 

This is confusing because you said you were taken when all this started. Something like "I knew it could never be anything because I was taken" now you say there wasn't a boyfriend.

 

At any case, you're single he is single if he was really interested then why the incognito game playing? Because your mom who I'm assuming is married had a crush on him? Just confusing.....

 

Listen, dude is trying to get laid, but doing so in a way that you have no expectations. He isn't interested in a relationship, your clearly are despite desperately claiming other wise.

[LindseyKelk]

This is confusing because you said you were taken when all this started. Something like "I knew it could never be anything because I was taken" now you say there wasn't a boyfriend.

 

At any case, you're single he is single if he was really interested then why the incognito game playing? Because your mom who I'm assuming is married had a crush on him? Just confusing.....

 

Listen, dude is trying to get laid, but doing so in a way that you have no expectations. He isn't interested in a relationship, your clearly are despite desperately claiming other wise.

What do you mean, I said we’ve known each other for years. I had a bf when we first met, and then we broke up, and a few months after this guy and I started talking frequently. I don’t see how that was confusing, it’s how life relationships work.

 

Well, I guess incognito because of the - age, his kids, our friends, the society, my both parents, his ex wife, our lives..... I don’t think it’s always so easy. I’m not assuming he was interested, but if he was there would sure as hell be a lot to lose, plus where’s the guarantee that it would even ever work out?

 

As for getting laid, I know him well enough and I’ve heard many stories from his male friends who know he does not sleep around. Now I don’t know if he would be very much against the idea of sleeping with me, I guess not because he did indicate sexual attraction however he would always end it joking that he’s got to have a strong will but it’s a torture. There was a time when we slept in one room and he purposely took his things to the other bed. Am I that ugly? Lol, maybe, but I don’t think so and he does not seem to think so either.

If I am sure of one thing, it’s that he was not trying to get laid.

[stillafool]

There was a time when we slept in one room and he purposely took his things to the other bed. Am I that ugly? Lol, maybe, but I don’t think so and he does not seem to think so either.

If I am sure of one thing, it’s that he was not trying to get laid.

 

How did you two end up sleeping in a room?

 

Do you ever hang out with people your age?

[Versacehottie]

thank you Lotsgoingon, I see how I come off as completely confusing lol. and you both are quite right, though.... After a few months of being in this confused state, I decided to just accept it and move on because I was done with now knowing. He also made it easier when he stopped writing to me after meeting my friend. It lasted 4 months, and I rarely thought of him. I thought fine, if he wanted to talk to me he would have. Based on what happened previously, I concluded that he was only flirting and maybe wanted someone to talk to. Enough time has passed for him to also be clearer, so I let it be.

 

As was said before, I did not want to say anything because I did not want to be dramatic. I just moved on. Whenever there was a chance to see each other, I did not even cross my mind to go, instead I’d go do something else with other people.

 

It was only recently it all came back to me. I do miss talking to the guy. Maybe I just want to know what his intentions were based on all of that. I think anybody would. If he liked me, ok at least I wasn’t completely crazy to think that; if he never did, then fine, I have to realize people have different meanings of “being nice” and “friendly”. It also bothers me that it was all for fun, he will just look at me and go ah silly girl. In which case, I would not longer see him as a decent person. I guess I can’t make up my mind about what kind of person he is after all.

 

You come of as a bit lovesick all along, if i may say. Which is a touch silly, scary to others who might get dragged into your whims. Did you move on? Your musing doesn't really seem like you did.

 

Yes people have different meanings of what is nice and friendly, what is flirting, what is harmless and what is silly--as YOU do. So now that you understand that is it so hard to imagine that maybe he meant them as you did (which started out as harmless nothings remember), maybe on the complete other end of the spectrum (devious, not decent), or most likely somewhere in the middle of that range??? Which keep in mind the range and dynamic has been changing all along--probably for both of you. You started off just for harmless flirting and now you are lovesick, wondering if he duped you.

 

Have to be honest--you sound like you have an old soul & definitely an appreciation for an older guy but that behavior from your end is a little immature/teenager-y/fickle. I think you need to stop seeing whatever he did or didn't do as a finite thing where he had all the facts and knew exactly how things would turn out. He has no more power than you and didn't know. He was just playing along in this fluid thing that was your flirtation with each other. Rather than continue guessing if it torturing you so much to know his intentions, then just ask him. Say that "you enjoy spending time with him and that while you started off with some fun flirting, you were wondering along the way if it turned to anything else for him as it might have for you." You can ask the question in a light-hearted way. I do think if his reasons for backing off are what I think they are it might change things between you to ask the question but maybe not. And i certainly can be wrong. Why keep guessing and all the conjecture going? Living outside of your head is so much better! I.e. do something about it if is nagging at you--which i would say it is. Good luck.

 

*ps this could totally be the start of something. Out of respect, he might be waiting for your to stop waffling and do something/say something definitively. If i was some older guy, friend of your parents, that's probably exactly what I would do--too much for him to mess up, because if it goes south or he makes what you deem an unwanted move, he will look like a creep--whereas you can do almost whatever you want and won't be viewed the same way. If you keep doing this though you will be viewed as silly person who is toying with him (less harmful but still).

[LindseyKelk]

You come of as a bit lovesick all along, if i may say. Which is a touch silly, scary to others who might get dragged into your whims. Did you move on? Your musing doesn't really seem like you did.

 

Yes people have different meanings of what is nice and friendly, what is flirting, what is harmless and what is silly--as YOU do. So now that you understand that is it so hard to imagine that maybe he meant them as you did (which started out as harmless nothings remember), maybe on the complete other end of the spectrum (devious, not decent), or most likely somewhere in the middle of that range??? Which keep in mind the range and dynamic has been changing all along--probably for both of you. You started off just for harmless flirting and now you are lovesick, wondering if he duped you.

 

Have to be honest--you sound like you have an old soul & definitely an appreciation for an older guy but that behavior from your end is a little immature/teenager-y/fickle. I think you need to stop seeing whatever he did or didn't do as a finite thing where he had all the facts and knew exactly how things would turn out. He has no more power than you and didn't know. He was just playing along in this fluid thing that was your flirtation with each other. Rather than continue guessing if it torturing you so much to know his intentions, then just ask him. Say that "you enjoy spending time with him and that while you started off with some fun flirting, you were wondering along the way if it turned to anything else for him as it might have for you." You can ask the question in a light-hearted way. I do think if his reasons for backing off are what I think they are it might change things between you to ask the question but maybe not. And i certainly can be wrong. Why keep guessing and all the conjecture going? Living outside of your head is so much better! I.e. do something about it if is nagging at you--which i would say it is. Good luck.

 

*ps this could totally be the start of something. Out of respect, he might be waiting for your to stop waffling and do something/say something definitively. If i was some older guy, friend of your parents, that's probably exactly what I would do--too much for him to mess up, because if it goes south or he makes what you deem an unwanted move, he will look like a creep--whereas you can do almost whatever you want and won't be viewed the same way. If you keep doing this though you will be viewed as silly person who is toying with him (less harmful but still).

I guess it does seem a lot over exaggerated on this site. No, I was genuinely alright, he would rarely cross my mind. The good friend and I (the one I took to the party) did a lot of things that were fun with our other friends, and for several months I would only think about him if someone mentioned him, but even that was only briefly... Of course, I still liked him AS A PERSON, not in a romantic way.

 

And I really don’t want to say anything to him. We had a text exchange for like two days, which he initiated, but acted really disinterested. His texts are either really dry statements or just plain beauty compliments. It just lacked any interest from his side, so I gave up too. Eventually he said he was going to sleep but stayed online. I don’t have the biggest tolerance for this, so I feel like it’ll be better if we don’t talk. The whole dynamics changed since those few months ago, mainly from his side.

 

No matter what his reasons are, I will just respect that this time, he is just not interested in talking anymore. I am also not interested in being ignored or thinking hard of what to say so that he can say something back. I know I will be okay in a few days, and forget about it in a few weeks so when we meet again later, I can remain friendly but to the point where it’s only going to match his friendliness.

 

It sounds like the best option to me, what do you think?

[Versacehottie]

I guess it does seem a lot over exaggerated on this site. No, I was genuinely alright, he would rarely cross my mind. The good friend and I (the one I took to the party) did a lot of things that were fun with our other friends, and for several months I would only think about him if someone mentioned him, but even that was only briefly... Of course, I still liked him AS A PERSON, not in a romantic way.

 

And I really don’t want to say anything to him. We had a text exchange for like two days, which he initiated, but acted really disinterested. His texts are either really dry statements or just plain beauty compliments. It just lacked any interest from his side, so I gave up too. Eventually he said he was going to sleep but stayed online. I don’t have the biggest tolerance for this, so I feel like it’ll be better if we don’t talk. The whole dynamics changed since those few months ago, mainly from his side.

 

No matter what his reasons are, I will just respect that this time, he is just not interested in talking anymore. I am also not interested in being ignored or thinking hard of what to say so that he can say something back. I know I will be okay in a few days, and forget about it in a few weeks so when we meet again later, I can remain friendly but to the point where it’s only going to match his friendliness.

It sounds like the best option to me, what do you think?

 

Well, yeah I'm aware that people come here to talk about their problems & dilemmas so that may make it seem exaggerated. I guess I'm struggling your reason to wanting to KNOW anything or dissect it if it doesn't mean much and i tend to think i can read between the lines. That said, you know your situation much better than I do.

 

I believe you that he didn't used to cross your mind much. That's so often how some people build attraction. But now you are curious and much more attracted so let's deal with now. I think because of your heightened wanting to know where things stand and what his intentions are and your feelings, you may misinterpret his contact as disinterested. Generalization coming: most guys don't do anything they are not compelled to do. So if he initiated, granted he wanted to talk to you and was not disinterested, in spite of how it came off to you. I think your own waffling might have him approach with caution and you do the same while expecting some declaration or something like that. Life is often in the little moments, just saying, rather than huge grand gestures. And you can't really know his exact position because you don't want to ask him (fair enough & i would agree with that). I don't think though that anything he did would indicate he's not interested in talking anymore--since he did reach out, which indicates the opposite.

 

I think overall you feel underwhelmed by him in some respects and it's all just too confusing for you. So yeah, I think you should leave it alone--good plan. A relationship with that huge of an age difference AND that there are family ties involve is a huge hurdle for all. As a 24 year old, you have a lot of other experiences in front of you so my advice would not be to fixate on any one person--that goes for whoever he is! I would DEFINITELY 100% with matching what someone else gives you. That's a good strategy always. Life has many twists and turns--just heard of two yesterday regarding romantic things--that just means you need to stay open and live your life. Never say never and be proactive for what you seek. Always measure up what you are getting with what your goals are & how it makes you feel. Based on this since you are recently underwhelmed by him, pull back and see what happens next. Don't focus on it, focus on rest of your life, including interest in other guys Good luck

[Malin889]

I’m guessing if you’re going on and on about this person on this site that means that maybe you don’t really know him that well that you can actually talk openly and honestly with him. I mean, do you know much about his character? Do you know anything about his past (or present?!) love life?

 

Also these things keep happening between the two of you, but instead of thinking about the future, be open in the present. I know that I used to do that with someone where I was thinking too much about what was going to happen in the future and I had such high expectations that I didn’t live in the moment and just let things unravel organically.

 

But Putting that aside, and I don’t want to be rude or anything, but I think that he’s just too darn old for you And like many people have echoed on this thread you are at two different places in your life. When I was 24, I sure as heck didn’t want to hang out with 48-year-old men. Maybe you should explore why you are attracted to a guy who’s the same age as your dad? Also, are you friends with his kids?

 

I don’t know, I just think, that if it’s this dramatic before even getting together, how is it going to be if and/or when you finally do get together? And would you ever be able to date out the open if he’s friends with your parents?

Edited June 21, 2018 by Malin889

[maxi105]

hi LK....argghhhh….just posted a reply and lost it….ok the heart of what it said was. just go for it. talk to him honestly and openly. put your heart in a vunerable place and im sure you will help you move this thing forward and offer you both relief from getting this dealt with and a better means of deciding what happens next, ...if anything can or not...(whether you get together as a friends again or more).

 

as far as what friends think etc, forget them for now, forget the parents, what people close to you think and forget whatever other fears and speculations are making this matter so difficult for you to broach it with him - and address what is pretty clear from your original post. ie that you miss this guy and you'd like to catch up and talk to him!!!!

 

if you get to talk to him it will give you the chance to put your feelings across, to explain what went wrong before, apologise if you need to and more importantly listen to what he wants to put across as well. he must also like an opportunity to talk about his feelings from what ive seen in this and im sure also has reservations that are similar to yours about age and other people's views ...so talking doesnt need to be as awkward as it is getting

 

im sure he's also appreciate the chance to say how he feels or felt, and he sounds from what you say a decent person, so it must be hard for him too not being able to find out what is going on!!!, why not show that you are willing to give him the time to show you do respect him as a person and that you are also willing and mature enough to talk about things properly (not just worrying and guessing about what might happen or looking for reasons to avoid doing what your heart is telling you you must do....to talk to him and put both your minds at rest).

 

 

there are thousands of relatiosnhips that work using an older/younger basis, thousands of the itll never works types that do find a way in far more complicated scenarios than yours, and then there are also many where people have thought hey, aren't they just perfect for each other...only to discover that years later they failed!!!!!

 

but unless you take the mature stance and discuss this with him you are going to go around in endless circles with this situation.

 

if he is a kind person, then surely he needs to hear your views, as your silence may have hurt him!!!!

 

there are no guarantees either way, but you have an opportunity for a good friend to come back into your life (ok, so maybe you don't know him that well, but you know him enough to know you like his company) and if things are to be for more then they will be.

 

if you cannot even talk to him about this, then realistically is there really ever going to be a possibility of any kind of relationship with him? at the moment there is a stilted friendship that is getting more difficult to discuss because you cannot find a way to talk when you know you actually do want to talk to him!!!

 

go on...listen to your heart and be kind and honest in your talking to him. don't mislead him if you realise this isn't going to work (but meet him anyway and just be fair and honest), you will know the answers when you have spoken to him...

 

 

but you cant know any more about what he really thinks or feels otherwise.

 

don't involve friends in this or ask for their input, you need to speak to him first and talk before others cloud things with their opinions and issues.

 

if you love him and he feels the same way then you can deal with everyone else with him by your side.

 

there might be lots of things that have happened since or he might still be waiting for you? its only fair that you talk to him and let him show you what he feels in return (or know for sure if things have changed or what he actually feels about you saying whatever you do say). you need to really know what he thinks wants/doesn't want hopes for so you can evaluate if this man is really what you still want or if it just a fantasy that just needs to be faced up to and kept as friends etc...

 

no one else however for this or against this can tell you if this is going to be likely between you, but only by talking to him you can find a lot of the answers you are really looking for!!!!!!

 

he I suspect also needs to have the questions that are puzzling him about you and the situation answered too.....its only fair and its the only way to sort this.

 

I really hope you take the courage to do this, there's nothing more frustrating than writing over and over and the person is still in the same dialemma months later.....

 

 

let us know how you get on...good or bad.....but I think whatever happens you 'll be relieved and really glad you spoke to this guy. if he is the nice person that you say then you shouldn't have too much to worry about, im sure he will understand or put you right where you have got it wrong at times. but I think It will be positive.

 

best wishes, maxi:)

[LindseyKelk]

Well the worst thing as of now is that we don’t really talk. We have not really spoken since that meeting in February and I am not sure if he is even interested in talking to me at this point. My guess is he is not, why would he be. We only exchanged a few messages since then, and he did not seem too interested in talking to me.

 

He did go to the event he sort of invited me to (just because I wrote to him) and I said I did not know, and we left it at that. I went somewhere else, and he went there. I had a great weekend and I am sure he did too.

 

I really do not think there’s any use in telling him how I feel or felt. At this point I just feel remorse because although I did like him, I never really showed it because I knew it would not be the right thing to do. I feel like I should have, not in a way I want to be with you and stuff, just to let him know I indeed did like him. This weekend made me realize that he had a lot of respect for me and was mature enough to never cross any line with me.

 

I know not talking is the right thing to do, and I also know that to him it is no big deal, but it kinda sucks to me because I liked the playful conversations.

 

He shared a photo from the event and I wrote to him saying his face looked really cute there (everytime he is uncomfortable he makes that one particular puppy face) and that I hope they had fun. I do not want any answer, I just hope that this message is enough to show him I still do care about him and that I do indeed still like him to a certain extent although we are not close anymore. We might meet over the weekend, but I no longer want to play this game as I realized nobody wins in it. I am taking the friend of mine with me, he is my rock and I know he will help me avoid talking to him.

 

It’s weird I came to the realization this weekend when another friend of mine (and the two of them kind of know but dislike each other - they do the same volunteering stuff just different companies) was openly flirting with me shamelessly even kissing me when I blacked out, all while having a girlfriend, that this guy would never do that. Ever. And I got a feeling that I would be safe around him at all times as his friend (and he did tell me to come hang out with them but that he’d protect me from everybody lol). So yeah.....

[stillafool]

I didn't realize you hadn't spoken to this guy since Feb. I agree then he's probably over it. I didn't realize that you felt unsafe with the other guy who gave you a peck on the lips last weekend. I thought somewhere in your thread you said you liked the attention he was giving you. Anyway, I just wanted to say that there are many young men who are respectful of women who you can feel safe around. Don't think this is a rare thing, you just have to demand it.

[maxi105]

hi there lk. im not really sure of the in's and outs of your situation now, there still seems to be a little regret on your part, which is why I was really suggesting that if you can you get and talk to him, get this off your chest and put your feelings out there so you can have a clear head and clear conscious.

 

but at the same time I respect that there is a part of you that has experience with this guy and the longer that this has gone on then the gap has grown so as I said earlier things can get to a point where you kinda freeze and the talking bit drifts further away.

 

but look on the bright side, if you want to talk to this guy then I am sure the channels are not closed for good and I think you are the one that is holding the key to talk and I really also think that this guy is a good person who will actually be willing to listen if you did (found the courage in the future) to talk to him and put him in the picture as to what really went on for you and why things went the way they did between you both.

 

maybe part of the reason you are struggling to talk to him is that because you do actually care for him a lot!!!!!!

 

it can be more difficult to open up when tension from not knowing or maybe fear of rejection or anxiety of guessing what might happen/what he might think or say etc...builds up.

 

but thanks for the update. I did check in on fri, but I couldn't remember where your post was, so now ive found it I thought id answer as promised.

 

hope your well, its good to hear that you are still getting out and about, and hey, the fact that you did go to something he invited you to and you had some kind of small communications goin on is a good sign that communication is still possible if you want it.

 

people who make an effort to talk and sort things out should be valued for at least trying to do that and also respected for wanting to move forward. even in the worst cases where people talk and they decide its over, just talking and getting to speak, and let another have the chance to say what they feel is important to both people. it can offer real, solid help, real answers (instead of guessing).

 

when you keep guessing things (I mean "you " as a general term) there is the chance that you may not always be seeing it clearly or there may be other things going on...when you talk and share how each other feels you not only learn about the things that made things difficult but you come away with respect for others (or not) as sometimes can happen, but you have a better idea and your feelings/mind get a better picture of your part in things, did you assume or worry when there were other reasons behind things, do you need to apologise, do they need to apologise, can you be friends, can you be lovers, is this person really a much stronger person than you realised/gave them credit for or are there other people behind how things have gone wrong etc....millions of questions...but when you talk to someone face to face (in a relationship/potential relationship) it cuts through all of the self posed questions that may or may not be what is actually happening, it cuts through fear and anxiety if it is based on I dont think he ……..(unless you talk to him, you cant always be sure what he really thinks or feels).

 

for me on this post, I still think in time if you can find a way of talking to this dude, you will bring a lot of relief for your mind, soul and give you a better understanding for the next set of problems you face that may be simillar.

 

there is still guessing and background regret on your part but I feel with such a responsive person as this guy - if you talk, you will at least get answers and still walk away with your (and his) self respect, thoughtfulness in tact and good wishes without the need for any bad feeling or silly dramas.

 

but its your call eventually. just be sure you don't let a good person go (friend or potential other) just out of fear, over worrying about what others think or expect or trying to pan out how things will go (if you haven't really had the talk that you seem to still be in your heart wanting to have).not talking isnt healthy for the situation whether you admit you need to talk or not..and you have admitted that already haha....your posts all say you do want to talk to this man and you miss him!!!!!

 

 

i wish you well in this. but i must say (as i haven't followed this from the first post on...that im not really sure why you think talking to him isn't the right thing to do???? is that because of the age gap or because that you are worried of what people think or the fact that he is divorced etc...i still think there is a bit of fear/anxiety in the background here.

 

 

i think the fact he shared the photo of the event is a sign that he is open to having you in his space/world in a chilled way or maybe more, but it feels like a good way and he sounds like a respectful person that will respect whatever you feel or say....maybe the time is right for you to be brave and respect your inner feelings, respect the fact that you don't really know what he feels for sure and get to know so you can move forward and no longer keep feeling like this.

 

 

and whatever you say or try to tell yourself....i do actually think you like this guy ….a lot...haha.... (but i think your own fear is stopping you having a proper talk with him...

 

 

good people you know for sure you can trust are always worth being open to...and i think he desearves to know how you feel too...he must have feelings that also need to know where he stands, what the truth is and whether there is anymore in this.

 

 

 

maybe put yourself in his place...wouldn't you want someone taking the time to talk to you sensitively an honestly if you hoped more might happen (even if you were just thinking about it). talking really does help, especially in a situation as yours.

 

 

plus its a way to cut back on confusion, misleading and hurting someone good or kind and its saying hey, im mature and i care for you and i respect you enough to think of you to want to talk and listen to how you feel...and more importantly...i d like to resolve this so we are not stuck emotionally.

 

 

it is clear you are not that satisfied the way things are between you both, but it doesn't have to stay that way...it just needs a little courage, honesty, trust in yourself (and him to respect you...and i think you know he will respect you) so show him and yourself that you have the courage and kindness to do the mature thing that can free you from this emotional trap that is solvable and will give you the courage to both be more honest with your feelings and the situation that is being given more status and is creating an unessesary block.

 

i also think it is the younger part of you in this age gap is partly the reason why you are just not dealing with this.. too much is going round in your head. but like i said before...its your heart that you gotta listen to on this one....speak openly all of this to him, and it will really change how you think and feel and confirm what can be realistic and what will give you strength, more courage and support.

 

i don't mean to be disrespectful mentioning your younger age in this, i just think it is a factor as to why this is going round and round in circles!!!!....but as someone said in reply to you, you also have an opportunity here!!!!!

 

so good luck. hope you do get to meet and talk....for me its what your posts have been saying that you hope for and miss a lot about him. this is not a complete stranger, and you do have an opportunity to make those connections a little more intimate and solid...even freindships can be intimate and more soild….so go for it.

 

 

talking is the only way you are going to set yourself (AND HIM and his feelings) free.

 

 

ok, see ya, and thanks for taking the time to read the LONG messages to you. you sound like a nice person and so does the guy you like. i really really genuinely hope you can find the courage you need to open your heart.

 

he deserves to know how you feel or don't feel and you ought to hear how he feels in order to stop putting what you think he feels into the picture (because it isnt helping anyone and it might not even be a realistic truth about what he feels or thinks now), also by knowing what he thinks or has felt (by you both not talking) and how he feels about how things have changed between you from the earlier times is also important to know, especially (when i think you know he likes you too!!!!).

 

whether anything happens is ups to you two, but unless you talk its not giving the chance for anything other than sexual tension, frustration, feeling uncertainty and feeling emotionally deflated because you want something but cant express it or resolve it properly....

 

 

also, i fear it will ultimately hurt him if he keeps flirting with you thinking there may be a chance but he doesn't really know what you think or know for sure if you want more. he's trying to respect you it sounds like, but if you know what you want (scared or otherwise) and are not discussing that it is not the fairest thing to be doing as it is leading him on where flirting is involved.(even if he flirts back). he's acting awkward probably because he likes you!

 

 

maybe you are taking him for granted because you know he likes you, but what would you do seriously if you lost him for good ( i mean something really awful really tragic!!!!!....you would feel big time regret i can think from not talking to him anymore) and more becasue you would know you could have said something but chose not to do that for him!!!!.

 

its not going to be easy, because youve built this thing up so so much....but once you start talking it will be easier than you think and you will be real glad you were honest and fair.

 

OK, HOPE IT GOES OK FOR YOU...best wishes. maxi.

[Veronica73]

I started reading this thread pretty thoroughly (but then stopped because I didn’t see anything changing), and I read the one about that guy kissing you at a party when you were all drunk (and it seemed very similar to this one). And this maybe all sorts of out of line and if so I apologize and ignore what I’m about to say...

 

But I think you need to just get a damn boyfriend already. It seems like you spend an inordinate amount of thought and emotions on these flirty situations that may or may not mean anything. I feel like you need to start seeing available men in your age range instead of a dude who is a friend of your parents, and a dude who is an inconsumate flirt who already has a girlfriend. You are wasting way too much energy and thought on unavailable guys. Find somebody else.

[LindseyKelk]

I started reading this thread pretty thoroughly (but then stopped because I didn’t see anything changing), and I read the one about that guy kissing you at a party when you were all drunk (and it seemed very similar to this one). And this maybe all sorts of out of line and if so I apologize and ignore what I’m about to say...

 

But I think you need to just get a damn boyfriend already. It seems like you spend an inordinate amount of thought and emotions on these flirty situations that may or may not mean anything. I feel like you need to start seeing available men in your age range instead of a dude who is a friend of your parents, and a dude who is an inconsumate flirt who already has a girlfriend. You are wasting way too much energy and thought on unavailable guys. Find somebody else.

Well, thank you for taking the time to read both posts.

 

I do not see how having a boyfriend would help anything. It’s not that I am actively seeking out these guys. If I had a boyfriend, the poor dude would get hurt. Also I would never start dating someone unless I’m sure I REALLY want to be with that person. I take relationships seriously. I don’t want to hurt people unintentionally.

 

Here’s the thing. I am NOT looking for a relationship. Which means I avoid flirting with guys my age because I know they want more than I am willing to give them. With these dudes, I was simply being nice and felt pretty safe to joke around them, because one is unavailable and the other one I never thought liked me like that (and has a gf). I suffer from horrible anxiety and I never assume people like me, although to other people it’s obvious. I am completely oblivious to the signs someone is flirting with me, especially if I think there’s no way they could like me. I know I am making a mistake, but I usually notice when it’s too late already.