I dont believe in giving up

[littleblackheart]

She offered friendship but I don't believe she meant it.

 

I'd love to be friends but I think it was dumper's guilt that caused her to offer it. She pursued me hard when we first met and we had a tiny window of just being friends before she wanted to date me. So weve really only hungout as a couple. She has recovered from the cancer but had to file bankruptcy.

 

I'm afraid that I'll piss her off or annoy her if I keep trying to contact her as friends. This is a unique situation. In most cases, you move on to heal and stay away from the dumper but I really care about her as a person and would love to just be friends because she could use some positive support in her life with all the crap she's experienced and we could have a lot of fun together with us both loving the outdoors and adventures.

 

I just think she only offered it because I was hurting and she felt guilty. I feel like she's hoping I just quietly go away for good...Idk. A week after the breakup, she initiated contact 4 days in a row. I replied and was pleasant, and we met up to exchange personal things. I texted her a week later about a work subject, she replied the next day. Then I texted her last Saturday about a mutual friend and she replied to that but no initiation of contact on her side since the end of May.

 

She may have meant the friendship part but if she feels you can't keep to your end of the bargain (and she would be right, by all accounts) she will be put off. You can't switch from lovers to friends in a flash anyway; you both need a period of adjustment.

 

Give her and yourself time apart from each other. If she wants to stay in touch, she knows where to find you.

 

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

[JayHarris]

She may have meant the friendship part but if she feels you can't keep to your end of the bargain (and she would be right, by all accounts) she will be put off. You can't switch from lovers to friends in a flash anyway; you both need a period of adjustment.

 

Give her and yourself time apart from each other. If she wants to stay in touch, she knows where to find you.

 

In the meantime, take care of yourself.

 

And I think I can come to these terms eventually. Obviously, I still have romantic feelings for her but they won't be with me forever. I don't like losing good people from my life, even if I have to settle for something smaller than what I originally intended. She's never had any guy friends so it might be weird for her but she also said I was one of the few guys she could ever trust. Time will tell. Have any of you all ever been able to be friends with an ex? How long did it take?

Edited June 16, 2018 by JayHarris

[littleblackheart]

And I think I can come to these terms eventually. Obviously, I still have romantic feelings for her but they won't be with me forever. I don't like losing good people from my life, even if I have to settle for something smaller than what I originally intended. She's never had any guy friends so it might be weird for her but she also said I was one of the few guys she could ever trust. Time will tell.

 

Exactly. After a cooling period, you also may see things differently and not want to pursue a friendship anyway because you will have moved on. For now, accept that the relationship is over - that's the main thing.

[Mac0908]

Ahh, the traditional "I want my ex back/denial" thread with 99.99999% of users saying DON'T text her. Let me ask you seriously bc at 27 you should be old enough to understand. Do you think everyone here just says that for the hell of it? No. They say it backed with endless amounts of experience and evidence. It's just reality man, as hard as it is to accept, and believe me, I've been exactly where you are and in a MUCH worse scenario.

 

First things first, some backstory is always good to throw into the original post. You're pouring your heart out to us about this woman yet we have ZERO clue what happened between guys, exactly how long you dated, etc.

 

So aside from taking anxiety pills bc she was so excited to see you(?) or crying in the middle of the night wanting to come sleep over, this 34 year old woman's full reason for dumping you was bc of DOGS? Did I read that right? Ask any normal, level headed woman on here. If they met the right guy, the man of their dreams so to speak, and everything was as perfect as you claimed they were in your short time together, do you think for a second they'd kick him to the curb bc of his DOGS? And from what I think I remember reading (bear with me, it was a lot) you offered to give the dogs to your parents to watch and that wasn't good enough? Hate to break it to you but this was just a small portion of her real motives behind leaving you. When a woman is 100% into a guy, she'll move mountains to see him, not bow out bc of an animal, "OCD" or not. Her line about not wanting anyone to change and how that would lead to resentment is something straight out of Breakups 101. A complete and utter BS line so she can attempt to cover up the sh-t she just took on you.

 

Now, you're lovesick. Totally get that man. I've been there. Again, boy have I been there. But the bottom line is - she dumped you. You don't need to chase and push her away more to feel that you gave it "100%" as you put it. That's you trying to make excuses for yourself for wanting to reach out. You need to be a man and back away, understanding that you're a catch and this is IN FACT her loss. I know that sounds cliche', but it's reality here. It's normal for someone who's lovesick to not think this way. Fortunately you are here so we can tell you do NOT reach out to her in any way shape or form. You already told her you're not happy at all with the break up I'm sure, and that's plenty. Do you think James Bond would be all devastated and bothered by a woman acting up like you are? Obvious answer - NO.

 

The good news is you seem like quality guy and this particular woman seems like the piece of work emotional type that isn't truly really ready for any type of real relationship. Same situation with my short term ex fling. Treated her like gold, had amazing chemistry, great sex, things in common, thought it was absolutely amazing, I did absolutely positively nothing wrong, and then she left me for an ex bf that came back into the picture that she wasn't over. A day later she came back saying she thinks she made a mistake, but instead of backing away, I over pursued and pushed her away. When I finally backed away it was simply too late. They eventually split and instead of coming back to me she said she felt she "ruined everything between us". Now days she's lingering on Match.com probably going on dead end dates every night. Glad it worked out the way it did bc quite frankly she was in no position to come back to me and IMO is in no position to be in a serious relationship after seeing just what kind of person she is to have put me through what she did. Same story with your girl and her breakup bs reasoning.

 

So YOU, my friend, need to go NC immediately, keep your dignity intact, and don't make the same mistakes I did. If she reaches back out one day you get to hang out with her with both feet out the door instead of taking the chance of being heartbroken again. Morello's post was probably the best response on this entire thread if you want to go back and read it again.

Edited June 16, 2018 by Mac0908

[JayHarris]

Thanks for sharing, Mac.

 

For a back story, we met at work. I trained her. I was professional and told myself I'd never date a coworker or make sexual advances on a coworker. I would get a lot of my UPS packages delivered to work because I always had issues with getting them delivered to my place. We talked A LOT during the training about personal stuff and she basically gave me her whole backstory. She got my # from a coworker and used one of my UPS packages as an excuse to text me and inform me that it had arrived while I was off work. I thanked her and didn't continue the convo. She kept pressing for stuff on a daily basis to get a convo going with me and even asked if I would hangout with her after work one day. I agreed. We hit it off well but I still felt uncomfortable about dating a girl I trained. Eventually, she texted me one Saturday and asked if I wanted to come over to her place and have drinks. I'm not stupid, I knew this meant she liked me. I went over and had drinks, we talked a lot, we madeout, and SHE said "we would be an amazing couple, I think we should date." I agreed and she was happier beyond belief.

 

She texted me all these love poems and told me she can't stop smiling everywhere she goes. We went through the honeymoon phase and things were very strong. She was obsessed with me. After a month of dating, she was the first to say she loves me and I said it back. I couldn't believe how much this chick liked me. We went on adventures together, we went on 4-5 hour car rides together, we did everything together. After the honeymoon phase, we started getting more serious. She met my family and friends and we discussed future stuff like a house, marriage, etc.

 

One night, we got really drunk at my place and she left in the morning. After that night, she suddenly got distant. I did nothing unusual. I played music, we watched TV, we hugged/kissed, and went to bed late. I guess she didn't like that aspect. After being distant, she asked if we could talk a week later. She said "I'm starting to have doubts about us and need to think about the relationship." I asked what the doubts were and she was a closed book. The next day, she texted me to say she loves me and misses me and can't wait to learn more about me. She started discussing vacations, how our house together will look, where our marriage will be, etc.

 

Next day, she calls me to dump me. My heart dropped so far and after 10 seconds of silence, I got the courage to just reply why, what's wrong? She said, I don't see a lifetime of happiness for us if we are a couple. We aren't a perfect fit and I have to be honest with my feelings. I was startled and frustrated and said "I don't understand why you can't communicate and try to fight for the relationship with me before just giving up so easily." She got a little annoyed and said, look, nobody wants to figure out a path they're going is wrong, ok, we both need support right now and hung up. WTF.

 

I called back hours later and did the pathetic begging that dumpees do and confessed my deep love and she wasn't having it. I got the reasons out of her which I posted and that's when I suggested the dogs moving in with my parents, my sleep schedule being fixed, and she stayed strong on her stance and said she doesn't want me to change.

 

Then her guilt came around and she fed me breadcrumbs. "Maybe no relationship would work for me right now, maybe this is just all awful timing, but I have realized I can't date right now."

 

"I'm not moving on, I just can't date right now. Thank you for loving me better than any guy ever has, I would be happy to try to be friends."

 

 

Ouch.

 

 

 

You may very well be right about the dogs, but she wasn't a normal chick. She said she had internal fights about me for weeks due to her OCD and wanted to hang on so bad but realized she can't hang on. Could very well be BS but her OCD was legit and something she pointed out before we even dated. She said she wants a perfect relationship and we aren't perfect. I don't know how anyone can expect perfection in a relationship.

 

I think what bothers me the most is this idea I have that she is already completely over me and has no issue living without me. That sounds bad, I know, as people should be allowed and able to live without others, but we had a strong bond. I sometimes wonder if she'll ever reach out to me again and I'm not asking for a reach out to get back together, but a reach out to show she still thinks and cares about me. She reached out right after the breakup to checkup on my well being and that's been it.

 

I'm think she eased her guilt and got on with her life. That hurts.

[CantTakeMySmile]

Not trying to be negative, but please don’t rescue any more dogs if you are willing to give them up for a woman you just met. Wow. Maybe it is just me, but I can not relate to that. I promise you that the dogs will NOT betray you.

 

And I seriously doubt that was her real reason. She left because she wasn’t that into it. If she was, she would have made compromises.

 

At least you know now. Hope you start to feel better and remember those dogs won’t leave you. ?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think what bothers me the most is this idea I have that she is already completely over me and has no issue living without me.

 

If I had a nickel for every time someone on Loveshack says this.....

 

Seriously, it is THE single most common "lament" after a breakup....that the person has just moved on, seemingly without a care in the world.

 

You sound like a pretty decent, normal guy. Probably a lot more emotionally healthy than she is (as long as you stick to your resolve to NOT chase after her). I really thought your relationship was only like 4 weeks old by the way you were talking in the beginning, but I don't think 7 months is anything to sneeze at. I got engaged to my ex-H after 7 months. Don't beat yourself up for feeling this hurt after 7 months. That's a pretty decent length for a relationship.

 

I think you have a lot to offer (you rescue dogs, for goodness' sake!!!) and should not let this one relationship discourage you like it has. Give yourself time, and you'll find a woman worthy of you.

[JayHarris]

Not trying to be negative, but please don’t rescue any more dogs if you are willing to give them up for a woman you just met. Wow. Maybe it is just me, but I can not relate to that. I promise you that the dogs will NOT betray you.

 

And I seriously doubt that was her real reason. She left because she wasn’t that into it. If she was, she would have made compromises.

 

At least you know now. Hope you start to feel better and remember those dogs won’t leave you.

 

Sorry, the way I worded all of that sounded awful and I should explain the situation better. I work a lot of long hours and have been deeply bothered by how much time I am away from the dogs. I love them to death and my main focus before meeting this chick was to better my living situation so they could get a backyard and I could maybe hire a sitter. They sit inside for 10 hours a day by themselves with no yard and I take them for walks in the morning/after work but I feel so guilty about how my work schedule causes me to be away from them for so long. I've had internal debates about solutions to better their lives for awhile and sometimes have felt selfish for having them when I know there's a better situation out there(my parents).

 

My dad works less hours than me, my mom is home all day, and my parents have a HUGE backyard. My dogs love me and I love them, but they'd be in a much better living situation with my parents. They love my parents too and my mom & dad are very lonely without my sister and I around. I'm going to try to figure out what I can do to get them more attention/exercise but I do feel really guilty and one of my dogs gets separation anxiety. On my off days, I maximize the time I have free with them. Long walks in the park, long car rides, treats, etc

 

But I feel so damn guilty during the work week.

[littleblackheart]

my main focus before meeting this chick was to better my living situation so they could get a backyard and I could maybe hire a sitter.

 

Go back to focusing on this.

 

Breakups are a messy thing, I'm sure most people can relate to what you are going through. You are still feeling blue, and maybe you are anxious about not finding another partner because of how busy you seem to be between your job and your dogs.

 

Once you sort out your living/working conditions (which was your plan anyway) you'll feel better.

[Mac0908]

Go back to focusing on this.

 

Breakups are a messy thing, I'm sure most people can relate to what you are going through. You are still feeling blue, and maybe you are anxious about not finding another partner because of how busy you seem to be between your job and your dogs.

 

Once you sort out your living/working conditions (which was your plan anyway) you'll feel better.

 

This is the ultimate "easier said than done" type of post. The OP is lovesick and is hurting pretty badly right now. More than likely he doesn't have the ability to just snap his fingers and do something like this.

 

What he needs to do, before ANYTHING else, is 100% NC if he hasn't already. That means the deletion of all photos, videos, gifts, text message conversations, and yes, especially social media. Anything that can trigger her into his mind needs to go in order for his healing to begin before he can think about or even do anything else.

[basil67]

She asked me out, she would take anxiety pills to see me because she was so excited, she would text me 24-7, she’d wake me up at midnight crying wanting to come over and sleep with me, she had such a heavy presence in my life and a deep love for me. She’d visit me on every lunch break.....

 

Jay, I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out, but she sounds positively unstable. Yes, infatuation is a marvellous time, but needing meds for excitement and crying in the night because she needed you? These should have been red flags.

[littleblackheart]

This is the ultimate "easier said than done" type of post. The OP is lovesick and is hurting pretty badly right now. More than likely he doesn't have the ability to just snap his fingers and do something like this.

 

What he needs to do, before ANYTHING else, is 100% NC if he hasn't already. That means the deletion of all photos, videos, gifts, text message conversations, and yes, especially social media. Anything that can trigger her into his mind needs to go in order for his healing to begin before he can think about or even do anything else.

 

People mourn their relationships in various ways. OP needs to do what works for him, not what worked for you. Maybe it's the same, maybe it's different but you can't fastrack this - deleting everything now is fastracking it, imo.

 

Gently does it, imo, when you are feeling so bad.

[littleblackheart]

Jay, I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out, but she sounds positively unstable. Yes, infatuation is a marvellous time, but needing meds for excitement and crying in the night because she needed you? These should have been red flags.

 

A mere 9 months after cancer remission (just 2 months when they met), most people I know are at least a little instable.

 

She ended it. She took responsibility by telling the OP she was not ready for a relationship. She did the right thing imo, with the info given to us.

Edited June 17, 2018 by littleblackheart

[Young mind]

All that has been said is gold, and in this situation, quite ironically, advising you to go ahead with your plan will be the best, the only reason being no matter what anyone says , you will still do it .

 

The only problem I might have is : if you could count 5 reasons, why you want to do it, I doubt if there will be anything more than “you love her” or reason revolving around that, or she’s the best I ever met.

 

We’ve all been there, most especially the guys, imagined some grand gestures to sweep Cinderella off her feet, make her understand that she’s not making the right decision, some went through with the plan and they are here to advise, some didn’t, few months after the breakup everyone is in that state, I’m here barely 8 months in and I can tell you, come back here few months later and tell me how that turned out.

[JayHarris]

The hardest part is knowing someone you planned to be with the rest of your life is moving on so easily without you and hasn't a care in the world about you. Hurts a lot. Mornings are really rough.

[JayHarris]

People mourn their relationships in various ways. OP needs to do what works for him, not what worked for you. Maybe it's the same, maybe it's different but you can't fastrack this - deleting everything now is fastracking it, imo.

 

Gently does it, imo, when you are feeling so bad.

 

Right now, I don't have the energy or heart to pursue anything, really. It's a sunken feeling. I had the whole summer mapped out with this chick in terms of vacation, daily adventures, and house planning.

[d0nnivain]

The hardest part is knowing someone you planned to be with the rest of your life is moving on so easily without you and hasn't a care in the world about you. Hurts a lot. Mornings are really rough.

 

You think it's been easier for her but you don't know that. She wasn't the healthiest person mentally before the break up. You don't know how she feels. All you know is that your relationship is over & your heart is broken.

 

Since mornings are the hardest for you, find something to do to self soothe in the morning. Take a long hot shower. Go for a walk to get sun on your face. Take care of yourself.

 

Hang in there. You will live to love again.

[JayHarris]

A mere 9 months after cancer remission (just 2 months when they met), most people I know are at least a little instable.

 

She ended it. She took responsibility by telling the OP she was not ready for a relationship. She did the right thing imo, with the info given to us.

 

She knew all of these things going into the relationship though. She pursued me hard, not vice versa. If she had any thoughts that she might have to pull out, she shouldn't have pushed so hard to be with me.

[Mac0908]

The hardest part is knowing someone you planned to be with the rest of your life is moving on so easily without you and hasn't a care in the world about you. Hurts a lot. Mornings are really rough.

 

Welcome to the wonderful world of dating for women, where they bounce back 500x faster than men. Read about this anywhere. It's true. While guys like me and you go back to dating sites cringing with sadness trying to put together a new message to a few randoms, women log in to 25 new messages... a DAY. Sure most of them are creepers and don't have great game, but bottom line is, a semi attractive woman can have a date every single night of the week if she wants to in this day and age. This is what helps them move on and forget about the guy easier, especially when they find a Joe Schmo who's nice enough with decent game. They call that guy the rebound, and guess what, I was once that guy.

 

This stuff is all hard for us to accept, I know, but it's reality. On top of that, if they are attractive (SMV of 7 or higher especially) aside from getting hit on routinely which builds up their self esteem, they usually have men on the backburner from the start that they can reach out to and these men are usually more than happy to give said girl a shoulder to cry on while secretly thinking they're next in line. All validation and all attention for the woman, whereas for men it's a much harder uphill battle.

 

I'm telling you all of this not to be "harsh", but bc it's the truth and most importantly bc I've been there, many times my friend.

Edited June 17, 2018 by Mac0908

[JayHarris]

I’m having to fight a strong urge to reach out. This is so tough.

[littleblackheart]

Right now, I don't have the energy or heart to pursue anything, really. It's a sunken feeling. I had the whole summer mapped out with this chick in terms of vacation, daily adventures, and house planning.

 

I hear you. Give yourself time, be gentle and patient with yourself. You obviously had deep feelings for her so of course they can't be switched off in an instant.

 

You are grieving. Please know that this is only the first step in your process of recovery; you may experience anger, denial, despair, sadness and all sorts of other emotions until you finally realise that you are better off looking into the future, and not stay stuck in this limbo state.

 

You can reach out if you want - just please understand that this may well be in vain. She may ignore you, be short with you or try to let you down gently by offering polite chit chat but ultimately, you will have to accept that the relationship is over and there is no way back.

 

Things will get better, you'll see .

[JayHarris]

I hear you. Give yourself time, be gentle and patient with yourself. You obviously had deep feelings for her so of course they can't be switched off in an instant.

 

You are grieving. Please know that this is only the first step in your process of recovery; you may experience anger, denial, despair, sadness and all sorts of other emotions until you finally realise that you are better off looking into the future, and not stay stuck in this limbo state.

 

You can reach out if you want - just please understand that this may well be in vain. She may ignore you, be short with you or try to let you down gently by offering polite chit chat but ultimately, you will have to accept that the relationship is over and there is no way back.

 

Things will get better, you'll see .

 

I have accepted that things are over relationship wise for good. I was convinced I'd throw a hail mary and win her back but you all talked sense into me. But I really want her in my life as a friend. I know people say that's weak and you can't do that but I HATE losing people from my life that are good people. We enjoyed so many of the same things and quite honestly, I don't have many friends where I live.

 

I'm afraid if I reach out, a couple of things will happen:

1. She ignores me

2. She is annoyed by my text and responds coldly.

3. She thinks, "God, let it go. How pathetic."

 

She offered friendship after the relationship but I really wonder if she offered that as guilt. She hasn't initiated contact in a long time.

 

When I really analyze the relationship, we probably should have just been friends and not jumped into things. Again, if you read my story, I never wanted a relationship initially because of us being coworkers. She pushed hard and I fell.

 

This all sounds silly but I value friendships and hate losing people from my life that I enjoy being around, male or female. We had soooo many fun summer activies planned out together. A lot of these activities weren't even romantic. Just fun outdoors stuff or amusement park related stuff.

 

Maybe I should just give it months until I am fully over her to reach out as a friend. I'm bored out of my mind and miss having my friend.

Edited June 17, 2018 by JayHarris

[littleblackheart]

I have accepted that things are over relationship wise for good. But I really want her in my life as a friend. I know people say that's weak and you can't do that but I HATE losing people from my life that are good people. We enjoyed so many of the same things and quite honestly, I don't have many friends where I live.

 

I'm afraid if I reach out, a couple of things will happen:

1. She ignores me

2. She is annoyed by my text and responds coldly.

3. She thinks, "God, let it go. How pathetic."

 

She offered friendship after the relationship but I really wonder if she offered that as guilt. She hasn't initiated contact in a long time.

 

When I really analyze the relationship, we probably should have just been friends and not jumped into things. Again, if you read my story, I never wanted a relationship initially because of us being coworkers. She pushed hard and I fell.

 

This all sounds silly but I value friendships and hate losing people from my life that I enjoy being around, male or female. We had soooo many fun summer activies planned out together. A lot of these activities weren't even romantic. Just fun outdoors stuff or amusement park related stuff.

 

Maybe I should just give it months until I am fully over her to reach out as a friend. I'm bored out of my mind and miss having my friend.

 

This doesn't sound silly at all. You are hurting, That's all. I wish I could give you reassurance and tell you that after x amount of time, a friendship is on the cards. The truth is, only she knows. If her offer of friendship stands the test of time, she will reach out to you.

 

In the meantime, the best you can do is keeping your mind busy with other things.

Edited June 17, 2018 by littleblackheart

[overcome]

Jay,

 

I also met my ex at work. She pursued me hard and i had reservations because there is a 13 age difference. I knew that if I accepted her advances, there stood a good change things would not work out because she's in her late 20's and at that age, I think women are still out to have fun and experience life rather than settle down. Anyway, I was right. It sucks. There are just some things you don't want to be right about.

 

Anyway, after 3 days NC, she contacted via text and asked if I was doing okay. I decided to respond with something short/simple. Doing well, thanks for asking, take care. She responded with "thanks for responding". I have a feeling she cares about my wellbeing but also feels bad that she ended it.

 

Bottom line, I will not be responding to her texts that are about how am I doing or what's new, going forward? I'm not interested in being friends. Maybe someday but not now.

 

Please do yourself a favor and stick with NC. Get rid of anything that would allow you to see how she's doing. I don't want to know. It will only re-open a fresh wound that is trying to heal. What good can come from that?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

She knew all of these things going into the relationship though. She pursued me hard, not vice versa. If she had any thoughts that she might have to pull out, she shouldn't have pushed so hard to be with me.

 

Maybe she didn't have those thoughts in the beginning. People are allowed to change their minds. Just because her feelings in the END changed doesn't mean they were not real in the beginning .