I dont believe in giving up

[fredflint]

You don't want her just as a friend. You value that, but that's not all you want. You primarily want the relationship back, right? So having her as a friend is just going to make it harder for you to get over her, even if she really wants that.

 

In PUA parlance, you will become her "orbiter". Someone who revolves around her, hoping for more someday. Clinging to any morsels of contact or affection she throws you. That's pathetic, so don't go there.

[Mac0908]

I really want her in my life as a friend.

 

You enjoy pain, don't you?

 

Do yourself a favor, if you're that lovesick and want her back THAT bad, stick to 100% NC and your scarcity will create value. If she ever truly liked you, she will eventually reach back out. However since this was a short relationship that is more unlikely. But, its always possible. If that day ever comes then you can meet back up with her with both feet out the door and your heart caged up.

[JayHarris]

You enjoy pain, don't you?

 

Do yourself a favor, if you're that lovesick and want her back THAT bad, stick to 100% NC and your scarcity will create value. If she ever truly liked you, she will eventually reach back out. However since this was a short relationship that is more unlikely. But, its always possible. If that day ever comes then you can meet back up with her with both feet out the door and your heart caged up.

 

I'm learning short relationships are much more painful that long ones. Short relationships just feel like so much potential was wasted. The second things got hard or seemed a bit off, you stopped. Long relationships seem to exhaust all options and try to work things out and the signs of a breakup are much more clear. In my case, this chick seemed to run the second things weren't 100% and that makes me think she'll have a hard time in the future.

 

Time till tell, I know. I've done good and found the demons/moments of weakness thus far thanks to this forum. Friendship is something I honestly could accept but the idea that someone you were so close with can just take a **** on you and be done with your existence forever is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.

[JayHarris]

You don't want her just as a friend. You value that, but that's not all you want. You primarily want the relationship back, right? So having her as a friend is just going to make it harder for you to get over her, even if she really wants that.

 

In PUA parlance, you will become her "orbiter". Someone who revolves around her, hoping for more someday. Clinging to any morsels of contact or affection she throws you. That's pathetic, so don't go there.

 

I guess the big thing I want is this person in my life, whether it be now or in the future. I can come to terms with friends. The thing is, I don't crave sexual contact with this woman. I don't crave sleep overs and cuddling. I truly enjoyed just being around her and the fun adventures/stories we shared.

 

Maybe this feeling will go away in the near future.

[Mac0908]

I'm learning short relationships are much more painful that long ones. Short relationships just feel like so much potential was wasted. The second things got hard or seemed a bit off, you stopped. Long relationships seem to exhaust all options and try to work things out and the signs of a breakup are much more clear. In my case, this chick seemed to run the second things weren't 100% and that makes me think she'll have a hard time in the future.

 

Time will tell, I know. I've done good and found the demons/moments of weakness thus far thanks to this forum. Friendship is something I honestly could accept but the idea that someone you were so close with can just take a **** on you and be done with your existence forever is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.

 

I gotta say you make an interesting point there and many would probably agree it's spot on. I can tell you I was 100x more devastated being blown off like I was after 2 months from my ex-fling than I was when my 2 YEAR relationship ended years ago. Sure I was the dumper in the 2 year one, and it wasn't easy, but it was brewing for many months, and I was able to keep on preparing for the end as it came.

 

Short term breakups are usually (it seems) more often a drastic type of ending over long term bc with long term the two parties are more inclined to stay together and try to work things out bc the longevity is there as is the love. Short term like you said, aside from the whole wasted potential thoughts/factor (knowing you never will be able to do all the fun things you wanted to do with this person), when they see things are off they tend to bail quicker and not dig the deeper hole. This is why I understand how you or others MIGHT feel with regards to trying to save things when you're dumped so early in the game, but the reality still stands that if a woman is 100% into you, she's not going anywhere.

 

It sucks man, and there's no doubt that I feel just from reading your stuff that this woman was not ready for what you wanted and won't be ready for it with anyone else either, anytime soon. 34 attractive and single? Well, I'm not going to go on a rant about those types of women but usually there is always some sort of catch. The best thing you could do is sit back, know you did absolutely nothing wrong, and count your blessings that she pulled this type of stunt now and not 6 months from now.

Edited June 18, 2018 by Mac0908

[CantTakeMySmile]

Why not just wait for her to reach out to you, and then be friends?

[JayHarris]

Why not just wait for her to reach out to you, and then be friends?

 

That's the logical answer.

 

I just have this bad feeling that she was experiencing dumpers guilt with the friend request and has no plans of me being in her life ever again.

 

Awful feeling.

[fredflint]

I guess the big thing I want is this person in my life, whether it be now or in the future. I can come to terms with friends. The thing is, I don't crave sexual contact with this woman. I don't crave sleep overs and cuddling. I truly enjoyed just being around her and the fun adventures/stories we shared.

 

Maybe this feeling will go away in the near future.

 

The feeling will dissipate over time. Friends can sometimes work, but I don't think you're in a place to be just a friend. The thing is, it doesn't really matter what kind of relationship you want with her. More importantly every minute you spend with her or even thinking about her is a minute you are not focusing on finding someone who actually wants YOU.

[CantTakeMySmile]

That's the logical answer.

 

I just have this bad feeling that she was experiencing dumpers guilt with the friend request and has no plans of me being in her life ever again.

 

Awful feeling.

 

Waiting for her to iniate friendship is the only way you will know if it was or of guilt or not. How would you know if you reached out first?

[overcome]

I agree with Fred.

 

You're not in a position to be friends. And you have to admit, you want to be more than just friends. We all do. Friends comes much much later.

 

You need to be with someone who wants to be with you. Who appreciates you.

 

When you're ready, you'll find that person. It may be awhile but when you do, it will have been worth the wait.

 

You know what you need to do now. What we all need to do after a break-up. Focus on yourself. Do everything you can to make yourself a better person both physically and mentally.

 

Feeling as crappy as you do, the one thing you do have total control over is how you're going to live each day. Dwell on the past or improve yourself for the future. The sooner you realize that the latter option is best, the sooner you will start to heal.

 

Hang in there.

[mistakemaker1]

hey jay. i just want to give you some confidence and advice, i just saved my relationship from certain doom. it was literly at the walk away and give up point. what saved every thing? very important, i owned up to everything. it doesnt matter what she did.

 

all that matters is what you did. think back on your relationship. was there arguing , fighting,were you lazy did you help out, did you keep score on what you spent your money on. WERE THE 2 OF YOU 1 unit? where money doesnt matter n nothing matters but your love for eachother. i think you need to follow in my foot steps. take a step back. dont worry about her. worry about you. what can you do to change yourself. women dont want to be told this and that. the want to see this n that.people on here are telling you no contact, maybe they are saying it for the wrong reason, you can use no contact to move on, you can use it to get your spouse back, she doesnt want to see same old jay harris begging that youll change and do what ever, she wants to see jay harris not begging and being a different confident man. the only way you can do this is by stepping back, change who you are, stop dressing like a boy n start dressing like a man, get a hair cut. brush your teeth. go to the gym,

 

be independant. ask us older guys. i know i had a lot of bumps in my relationship in the last few years , twice now i lost my gf and i got her back. ive been through tons of relationships and what women want and what they need are 2 different things. she wants a man, and she needs an idependent man.SO BE An INDEPENDANT MAN. im not saying give up, im just saying, i believe you can do this. if you dont got a job n your living at your moms or what ever. change that, thats the most unattractive **** ive ever heard.

 

if your working at mcdonalds, thats pathetic, go become something, who wants to run in to a nobodys arms? not her. sorry i know im being blunt. but my situation was way worse than yours and i did it, i actually did it i just saved my entire life and now im going to forever put 100% into making my spouse feel secure confident and loved. trust me on this one. i suggest you find a mentor in your life and join world wide group. they saved me aswell, n they will do the same for you.

 

but put that aside, step one,

step back, reavaluate your self, look in the mirror, whats wrong with you, alot, what mistakes did you make, right them all down on paper.

 

step two

start changing who you are. you want to grow and prosper and become a man . then stop saying you are going to do something n just do it. like i said, wear a suit and tie, go to the gym what ever become independant, just do it.

 

step 3

 

once step 1 and 2 or done. and you are feeling confident and you have changed she will see, do you really think shes not thinking about you? Not checking on you, not creepin you, women act like the dont give 2 ****s but oh trust me they do. right now she needs space. once the missing you stage pops into her head. she will be creeping you. and if she looks at your facebook and sees a depressed long haired greasy jobless punk. shes going to be like yeap , same old jay harris. so ****ing get out there and change , right now.

[JayHarris]

hey jay. i just want to give you some confidence and advice, i just saved my relationship from certain doom. it was literly at the walk away and give up point. what saved every thing? very important, i owned up to everything. it doesnt matter what she did.

 

all that matters is what you did. think back on your relationship. was there arguing , fighting,were you lazy did you help out, did you keep score on what you spent your money on. WERE THE 2 OF YOU 1 unit? where money doesnt matter n nothing matters but your love for eachother. i think you need to follow in my foot steps. take a step back. dont worry about her. worry about you. what can you do to change yourself. women dont want to be told this and that. the want to see this n that.people on here are telling you no contact, maybe they are saying it for the wrong reason, you can use no contact to move on, you can use it to get your spouse back, she doesnt want to see same old jay harris begging that youll change and do what ever, she wants to see jay harris not begging and being a different confident man. the only way you can do this is by stepping back, change who you are, stop dressing like a boy n start dressing like a man, get a hair cut. brush your teeth. go to the gym,

 

be independant. ask us older guys. i know i had a lot of bumps in my relationship in the last few years , twice now i lost my gf and i got her back. ive been through tons of relationships and what women want and what they need are 2 different things. she wants a man, and she needs an idependent man.SO BE An INDEPENDANT MAN. im not saying give up, im just saying, i believe you can do this. if you dont got a job n your living at your moms or what ever. change that, thats the most unattractive **** ive ever heard.

 

if your working at mcdonalds, thats pathetic, go become something, who wants to run in to a nobodys arms? not her. sorry i know im being blunt. but my situation was way worse than yours and i did it, i actually did it i just saved my entire life and now im going to forever put 100% into making my spouse feel secure confident and loved. trust me on this one. i suggest you find a mentor in your life and join world wide group. they saved me aswell, n they will do the same for you.

 

but put that aside, step one,

step back, reavaluate your self, look in the mirror, whats wrong with you, alot, what mistakes did you make, right them all down on paper.

 

step two

start changing who you are. you want to grow and prosper and become a man . then stop saying you are going to do something n just do it. like i said, wear a suit and tie, go to the gym what ever become independant, just do it.

 

step 3

 

once step 1 and 2 or done. and you are feeling confident and you have changed she will see, do you really think shes not thinking about you? Not checking on you, not creepin you, women act like the dont give 2 ****s but oh trust me they do. right now she needs space. once the missing you stage pops into her head. she will be creeping you. and if she looks at your facebook and sees a depressed long haired greasy jobless punk. shes going to be like yeap , same old jay harris. so ****ing get out there and change , right now.

 

Appreciate the pep talk, but really, there's nothing I can "change". I gave her all of my heart. I loved her deeply and did everything I could to satisfy her. We never argued once, I bought her gifts and paid for movies & adventures together. I don't have facebook. There's literally no way for her to keep tabs on me without arranging a meet up in person. She can't check up on me because we don't have any mutual friends and I believe it's an out of sight, out of mind thing for her.

 

Her big thing with me was that she didn't want me to change. She wanted me to stay true to who I was and believed that people should love each other for who they truly are deep down. It's why I enjoyed her so much. I have a decent job, not a great job, but I am stable. I can provide all the things a woman wants because I have of the money I have saved up and a perfect credit score. I've never missed a bill, I live above my means and enjoy it. I never half ass anything and never plan on it. Really man, there's nothing for me to change except for my obsessive thoughts. I think this forum has taught me that I just need to accept it's over and move on. Dwelling on the past hurts you in the present and future.

 

Congrats on getting your girl back, I am happy for you but I don't have that type of luck. I continue to shift gears from denial to acceptance but I know deep down that acceptance is the more rational state of mind. She ended it out of nowhere with zero communication. She wanted out. It was a short relationship, so I don't think NC is going to work. She's an active person. She does yoga in the morning, runs with her friends near the early afternoon, works, and then hangs out with friends. She's on the run 24-7 and is probably loving single life. Typing all of this stuff out is making it more clear that I have no shot with her again. It's done. It's a hard truth to swallow after my original intentions in this thread but I did nothing wrong. She told me I did nothing and I can honestly say I did do nothing wrong. I was the nicest possible person I could be around her and the best me I can be and it wasn't enough. I begged and pleaded like a complete wuss when it first happened and she probably has lost all the respect she ever had for me by seeing me in such a fragile, weak state. I couldn't help it. She was my first true love and I never thought it'd end. In hindsight, I would have accepted the breakup in a mature manner and pretended to brush it off like I didn't care to flip the table on her. Live and learn, I guess. When a woman dumps you, they think about it for a long time. She probably hid deep annoyances with me and concerns for a long time and finally said enough is enough and won't look back. It's a horrible feeling to be with someone 24-7 and then lose them forever but that's life.

 

The JayHarris that posted he is not giving up is now giving up and throwing in the towel. She has an instagram page that i've ventured to and I have to block the site all together to avoid checking up on her. She's posted a bunch of romantic quotes since the breakup which is all the sign I need to know that she's probably into some new guy.

 

Oh well.

Edited June 18, 2018 by JayHarris

[Marc878]

As in most cases the other man is probably what prompted the breakup.

 

She was probably going behind your back.

 

Which means you didn't lose much.

 

You should gain a lot of wisdom over this

[Marc878]

Appreciate the pep talk, but really, there's nothing I can "change". I gave her all of my heart. I loved her deeply and did everything I could to satisfy her. We never argued once, I bought her gifts and paid for movies & adventures together. I don't have facebook. There's literally no way for her to keep tabs on me without arranging a meet up in person. She can't check up on me because we don't have any mutual friends and I believe it's an out of sight, out of mind thing for her.

 

Her big thing with me was that she didn't want me to change. She wanted me to stay true to who I was and believed that people should love each other for who they truly are deep down. It's why I enjoyed her so much. I have a decent job, not a great job, but I am stable. I can provide all the things a woman wants because I have of the money I have saved up and a perfect credit score. I've never missed a bill, I live above my means and enjoy it. I never half ass anything and never plan on it. Really man, there's nothing for me to change except for my obsessive thoughts. I think this forum has taught me that I just need to accept it's over and move on. Dwelling on the past hurts you in the present and future.

 

Congrats on getting your girl back, I am happy for you but I don't have that type of luck. I continue to shift gears from denial to acceptance but I know deep down that acceptance is the more rational state of mind. She ended it out of nowhere with zero communication. She wanted out. It was a short relationship, so I don't think NC is going to work. She's an active person. She does yoga in the morning, runs with her friends near the early afternoon, works, and then hangs out with friends. She's on the run 24-7 and is probably loving single life. Typing all of this stuff out is making it more clear that I have no shot with her again. It's done. It's a hard truth to swallow after my original intentions in this thread but I did nothing wrong. She told me I did nothing and I can honestly say I did do nothing wrong. I was the nicest possible person I could be around her and the best me I can be and it wasn't enough. I begged and pleaded like a complete wuss when it first happened and she probably has lost all the respect she ever had for me by seeing me in such a fragile, weak state. I couldn't help it. She was my first true love and I never thought it'd end. In hindsight, I would have accepted the breakup in a mature manner and pretended to brush it off like I didn't care to flip the table on her. Live and learn, I guess. When a woman dumps you, they think about it for a long time. She probably hid deep annoyances with me and concerns for a long time and finally said enough is enough and won't look back. It's a horrible feeling to be with someone 24-7 and then lose them forever but that's life.

 

The JayHarris that posted he is not giving up is now giving up and throwing in the towel. She has an instagram page that i've ventured to and I have to block the site all together to avoid checking up on her. She's posted a bunch of romantic quotes since the breakup which is all the sign I need to know that she's probably into some new guy.

 

Oh well.

 

Most who come here make this same mistake. Along with writing some long stupid letter pouring their heart out.

 

That's ok. Learn for your next relationship. Women can sense needy a mile off and it's not attractive. Never make someone your whole world. If a relationship isn't balanced one will get taken advantage of.

[d0nnivain]

Post break up friendship is not true friendship. It's a misnomer for lack of drama on the rare occasion when you bump into each other. You don't talk or hang out. You don't exchange pleasantries on social media because it's a lousy idea to give your EX that level of insight into your new life without them & you really don't need to see what they are up to. Who needs a front row seat to their new relationship? Ugh. At best it's a happy birthday message & some holiday wishes.

[JayHarris]

Do you all think this woman will ever try to text me again?

 

She last initiated contact 3 weeks ago and we last talked last Saturday.

 

I'm not going to reach out anymore and it's up to her. It's just a sunken feeling to think i'll never interact with her or hear from her again.

[CantTakeMySmile]

This feeling sucks and you just don't know. But, most likely you may hear from her again at some point. I don't assume you will be friends but maybe friendly... for a while, until something else comes up. People that I date for such a short time are not someone that I usually have the desire to keep in my life for the duration. If I was with someone for years, then most times I do. I am "friendly" with all my exes, but only friends with a few.

[littleblackheart]

I'm not going to reach out anymore and it's up to her.

 

Good on you, Jay! It's still fresh, you're still tender, it's your first breakup so you'll remember this one! It'll pass though.

[JayHarris]

^Thanks.

 

This anxious feeling just needs to completely go away. It ending so soon has me feeling so uneasy. We could have slowed things down and tried to work things out but she just ran away so fast. Ugh. So many fun vacations/adventures for the summer planned together down the drain. It's going to take a long time to completely get over this because she never tried to work things out. And I can't help but feel like i'll never receive a text message from her ever again and i'm stuck in the past.

 

I've received some amazing advice on here and I've given myself some tough pep talks but I'm still so far from being over because I catch myself thinking about her all the time and fantasizing about reconnecting. How do you not sit a person down and try to work things out if you truly cared about them? Man. If we weighed realistic, possible solutions and came to the conclusion that things weren't fixable, I'd get it and accept things better.

Edited June 18, 2018 by JayHarris

[CantTakeMySmile]

^Thanks.

 

This anxious feeling just needs to completely go away. It ending so soon has me feeling so uneasy. We could have slowed things down and tried to work things out but she just ran away so fast. Ugh. So many fun vacations/adventures for the summer planned together down the drain. It's going to take a long time to completely get over this because she never tried to work things out. And I can't help but feel like i'll never receive a text message from her ever again and i'm stuck in the past.

 

I've received some amazing advice on here and I've given myself some tough pep talks but I'm still so far from being over because I catch myself thinking about her all the time and fantasizing about reconnecting. How do you not sit a person down and try to work things out if you truly cared about them? Man. If we weighed realistic, possible solutions and came to the conclusion that things weren't fixable, I'd get it and accept things better.

 

What do you want to happen from this?

[fredflint]

How do you not sit a person down and try to work things out if you truly cared about them?

 

Because she realized there were insurmountable dealbreakers from her perspective. That doesn't mean she doesn't care. She decided there was no way past whatever was blocking her seeing herself with you.

[Mac0908]

Most who come here make this same mistake. Along with writing some long stupid letter pouring their heart out.

 

That's ok. Learn for your next relationship. Women can sense needy a mile off and it's not attractive. Never make someone your whole world. If a relationship isn't balanced one will get taken advantage of.

 

Marc while I can absolutely see where you're coming from here and you're right 100% in that if a guy is ever blown off acting beta like this will only push her away very quickly, there is one thing that the OP and many other men need to realize and that's this..

 

Even if he DIDN'T beg and plead, it wouldn't have mattered. This woman DUMPED him and threw their entire great time together in the dumpster. Now, if he was a beta guy during the relationship and began turning her off in that sense, then that's another story and he should learn from his mistakes, but if it was only post blowoff then it's not the end of the world. I think the majority of dudes, especially in todays day and age when we're all programmed to chase the woman and get her back, would go at least a little beta. Lord knows I did several times in my life before I finally learned.

 

So yeah, point is, OP and all other guys shouldn't dare be upset about regretting his post breakup beta behavior, bc it was a lost cause from that point anyway. You can hold back and go NC immediately and this might draw her back to you, but there's a 95% chance the same problems she felt before will come about again down the road. Bottom line is girls simply don't DUMP(not yell at, not say leave me alone for today, but DUMP) guys they like. Doesn't mean they're always right, but it just doesn't happen that way.

[Mac0908]

Do you all think this woman will ever try to text me again?

 

She last initiated contact 3 weeks ago and we last talked last Saturday.

 

I'm not going to reach out anymore and it's up to her. It's just a sunken feeling to think i'll never interact with her or hear from her again.

 

If she truly regretted the breakup she would have been back by now. If she returns down the road (which of course is possible) there's a 95% chance it's just to get some validation/attention bc her other options fell off. That all being said, from my experience and others I've seen, short term girls more than likely don't return. There has to be a true deep connection for a woman to go as far as to legitimately reaching out to a guy via text or call. If anything, a breadcrumb is a more realistic scenario. I.e. a social media request or an "accidental" phone call or her telling a friend something that "wasn't" supposed to get back to you.

 

My personal experience was seeing my ex have the gall to view my online dating profile (Match.com) a couple of months after the blowoff. I did nothing. Bottom line is women simply DON'T do the pursuing in general unless we're talking about a long term bf and you obviously were not that.

 

If this person ever reaches out again in any way you tell her it's nice to hear from you but you are no longer interested in any friendly conversations. However, if she'd like to hang out sometime and grab a drink to let you know. That will instantly cut through any BS and tell you what her deal is.

[JayHarris]

Again, solid points by all. It's just so confusing to me. I wasn't beta. I didn't even pursue her. I acted like a man with many options. She chased and chased and then I agreed to date her. She told me I was everything she ever wanted in a man. Respectful, trustful, and manly. She knew I had dogs that shed and stayed in house all day. We often talked about how if we lived together, he'd spend all day outside. She enjoyed staying up late with me and watching movies with me or just making love. All of a sudden, those were the two reasons she supposedly dumped me. Maybe she did fall out of love with me, but the signs weren't visible. She was telling me she loved and missed me all week and made intense love to me the night before the breakup. It's so ****ing confusing to me mentally. There were no signs and the two reasons she gave me were things she knew from the get go before she pursued me. I treated her great and she told me I was 100x better than her exes and was the first man she ever felt comfortable around. It was just so sudden.

 

I know I need to get over it and accept it's over, but it's just so frustrating when there were no warning signs and she at least acted like she was madly in love with me.

[JayHarris]

I will respect her decision and leave her the hell alone but I can't change the fact that I am still in love with this woman. Life is a biatch.